Feeling bad as I doubted my son
gorsewaygirl
Posts: 311 Forum Member
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So my boy has just stated seniors. In his first week he has made a whole batch of new friends and seems to be happy and is enjoying himself.
On Saturday he received a text from a very good friend who he went to juniors with, who he plays sports outside of school with and who he walks to senior school with saying that he had told his Mum that my son had been pushing him around and had been bullying him. He said that my sons new friends were a bunch of bullys who had been picking on the other kids all week and that my son was playing along with it. To say I was shocked was an understatement as 24 hours earlier they had walked home from school together and seemed to be fine. We questioned our son who denied all knowledge and as they share no lessons, are not in the same form or house we wondered where this bullying was happening. But I doubted my son as I thought there's no smoke without fire.
We took my son round to the boys house to see if we could get them to talk and sort this out and my son denied the bullying and the other boy insisted that my son was lying. In the end they agreed to be friends and shook hands and we left.
It has really shaken me up though as it is completely out of character for my boy to behave this way. He is a gentle giant and I have never known him to pick on anyone - he is usually the one that gets picked on.
The following morning we took our son to training and although the two boys were cool with one another it all seemed fine until my son tackled the boy and the other boy launched himself at my son. He punched him in the jaw twice and was pulled away from my son before he managed to plant his studs in my boys chest, but he still went in for another kick before he was dragged away again. My son didn't retaliate though - just rolled away and put his hands up to protect himself. Which is completely in his character as he isn't a fighter.
We let the coach sort it out and the Grandad took the other boy home after we had made it clear that his behaviour was unacceptable.
A couple of hours later we got a phone call - expecting more confrontation I thought it would be a good idea to let everyone calm down, so I didn't call back until the evening. But I am then confronted with the Mum and the boy apologising because the boy had admitted to his Granddad that he had lied about all of the accusations and made it all up. For what reason I am not sure - we can only assume, but I feel terrible about it all. Even though it has proven that my son was telling the truth and had not been bullying the other boy. The mother was very apologetic, assured us that he was being punished and admonished the boy for behaving that way to a loyal friend and said she would understand if my son never wanted to speak to her son again.
I feel so naive to have believed the other boy, why did I doubt my son? We gave my son a really hard time, even though we couldn't really believe it. I just feel terrible. My son is going to spend a couple of weeks away from this other boy, walk to school with other friends and then see how he feels in a few weeks time about the situation. I am still nervous though that there may be repercussions at his new school, even though the mother has promised that there won't be. But how can I trust him now. Why do that to a friend though - it's horrible. Why try to discredit his new friends as well? I should feel better as my son is in the clear but I don't.
On Saturday he received a text from a very good friend who he went to juniors with, who he plays sports outside of school with and who he walks to senior school with saying that he had told his Mum that my son had been pushing him around and had been bullying him. He said that my sons new friends were a bunch of bullys who had been picking on the other kids all week and that my son was playing along with it. To say I was shocked was an understatement as 24 hours earlier they had walked home from school together and seemed to be fine. We questioned our son who denied all knowledge and as they share no lessons, are not in the same form or house we wondered where this bullying was happening. But I doubted my son as I thought there's no smoke without fire.
We took my son round to the boys house to see if we could get them to talk and sort this out and my son denied the bullying and the other boy insisted that my son was lying. In the end they agreed to be friends and shook hands and we left.
It has really shaken me up though as it is completely out of character for my boy to behave this way. He is a gentle giant and I have never known him to pick on anyone - he is usually the one that gets picked on.
The following morning we took our son to training and although the two boys were cool with one another it all seemed fine until my son tackled the boy and the other boy launched himself at my son. He punched him in the jaw twice and was pulled away from my son before he managed to plant his studs in my boys chest, but he still went in for another kick before he was dragged away again. My son didn't retaliate though - just rolled away and put his hands up to protect himself. Which is completely in his character as he isn't a fighter.
We let the coach sort it out and the Grandad took the other boy home after we had made it clear that his behaviour was unacceptable.
A couple of hours later we got a phone call - expecting more confrontation I thought it would be a good idea to let everyone calm down, so I didn't call back until the evening. But I am then confronted with the Mum and the boy apologising because the boy had admitted to his Granddad that he had lied about all of the accusations and made it all up. For what reason I am not sure - we can only assume, but I feel terrible about it all. Even though it has proven that my son was telling the truth and had not been bullying the other boy. The mother was very apologetic, assured us that he was being punished and admonished the boy for behaving that way to a loyal friend and said she would understand if my son never wanted to speak to her son again.
I feel so naive to have believed the other boy, why did I doubt my son? We gave my son a really hard time, even though we couldn't really believe it. I just feel terrible. My son is going to spend a couple of weeks away from this other boy, walk to school with other friends and then see how he feels in a few weeks time about the situation. I am still nervous though that there may be repercussions at his new school, even though the mother has promised that there won't be. But how can I trust him now. Why do that to a friend though - it's horrible. Why try to discredit his new friends as well? I should feel better as my son is in the clear but I don't.
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you can tell when teenagers are lying, their moths are open.
judith sheindlin.
You should, you were in the wrong.
Tell him you are sorry for doubting him, but that is the nature of things in life and its a good lesson for him.
Other kid has clearly gone off the rails a bit though, maybe he is upset that your son has found new friends when he was a close friend before. Again, this happens when you go up to "big school"
This boy needs to understand the consequences of his actions and part of that is how it has left you feeling.
As a general rule we always give him time to go and think about what he is saying to make sure he is certain what he his telling us is the truth. We always say to him that the consequences will be far worse for him if he is subsequently found to be lying when he has been given the opportunity to tell us the truth.
I know it's a lesson - for me also - in not to be so trusting. But I really do feel bad and sad about about it.
I think it is obvious what is wrong with this other boy. He is jealous. He sees his friend getting independent, making new friends and he fears he is being left behind. In his 11 year old mind this was a way to keep his friend.
If your son has never lied to you, you should trust him until proved otherwise. He is your son, he is your own flesh and blood, he deserves unquestioning love and loyalty by default.
The other boy is probably jealous and envious of the new friends. Also, maybe he was feeling neglected and he thought being bullied would be something which would make his mother and grandfather care about him and give him attention? It often seems that unhappiness about bullying is the only sort of unhappiness that parents take seriously in children. To be quite honest when I was a child I used to try to get other children to bully me because I was in that situation.
But I do think the other mother needs to get to get to the root of her own sons lying and violence, he may well be getting bullied after all, and too scared to speak out who it is and therefore blaming your son as an easy target.
This 100%
The important thing is to make sure he feels that he can still talk to you without the worry that you will jump to the worse conclusion.
You will get over it.
When the children move up to Senior school, they are all trying to find their place in the form group and so on. It sounds to me like you son was doing just fine, making new friends and settling in well and the other lad had a visit from the green eyed monster. he might be finding it more difficult to make friends and feeling left out. Maybe this is something you could suggest to your son if you haven't already and have a chat about it from that aspect.
Boys will be Boys.
Dont worry, he will kick someones ass soon:D