Pressure to have children

andys cornerandys corner Posts: 1,664
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Does anyone have any tips for dealing with my parents, they are constantly pressuring us to have children >:(

Bit of background: I am 34, my wife is 31, and to say the last 6-12 months have been rough on us is a bit of an understatement. Last summer I had an illness that left me with no voice for 7 months, then last November my older sister died suddenly aged 39, if that wasn't enough, my father in law's battle with cancer led to him passing away in January.

My parents were not very subtle about wanting grandkids before all of this started and today they have been to a christening, and it all started again. Luckily my wife was upstairs when I was being quizzed, we were also quizzed when we went round yesterday. We are also guilt tripped into going every weekend as my mum's brain in understandably fried.

As it is my wife is on a waiting list for bereavement councilling (sp?) on antidepressents and also diabetic, so children are not really something we would be jumping straight into.

Does anyone have any tips or do we just grit our teeth and put up with it?
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Comments

  • Black BoxBlack Box Posts: 765
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    Just be straight up and tell them how it is, ie you don't want them yet.
  • MaxatoriaMaxatoria Posts: 17,980
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    Always remember my mum, one moment she was all 'you better not make me a grandma just yet' and once we'd settled down it was questioning if we'd pop a 'heir and and spare' but due to family problems on both sides theres a good chance of there being a kid with 'problems' so we've agreed to not start the brood and hey ho it must mean we're the perfect tory person as we don't draw on the 'hard working tax payer'
  • AndrueAndrue Posts: 23,351
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    Tell them there's already too many humans on the planet and that by choosing not to propagate you are doing more to protect the environment than most people ever do.
  • Victoria SpongeVictoria Sponge Posts: 16,645
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    Tell your mum you and your wife are happy as you are (with just eachother) and that neither of you are ready for children just yet. Surely she can't argue with that??
  • Sarah777Sarah777 Posts: 5,058
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    Sorry for your loss. Please ignore their selfish requests and put your family (Mr&Mrs) needs first. Be there for your wife. Hope her Counselling comes through soon. How are you coping with your sister's death. Do you have any other siblings?? Do they have any kids??.
  • Mumof3Mumof3 Posts: 4,529
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    Do whatever suits the both of you. But do it from an informed point of view, ie. that a woman's fertility drops through the floor from age 35 onwards.
  • andys cornerandys corner Posts: 1,664
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    Sarah777 wrote: »
    Sorry for your loss. Please ignore their selfish requests and put your family (Mr&Mrs) needs first. Be there for your wife. Hope her Counselling comes through soon. How are you coping with your sister's death. Do you have any other siblings?? Do they have any kids??.

    there was just the two of us, my mum wanted another (younger than me) but miscarried and was told not to have any more for health reasons.

    To be honest I haven't been able to think about how I am feeling, as soon as I found out I was there for my mum and arranging for us to go down to the other end of the country to where she was living. 48 hours after finding out what had happened I was in her old flat clearing it out. My sister had health problems which meant a lot of things were out of the question (kids being one of them) I nearly went for bereavement councilling but other things happened and other people come first
  • eluf38eluf38 Posts: 4,874
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    Just say, 'it's something we'd prefer not to discuss.' It astounds me that people still think it's acceptable to casually ask 'when do I get to be a grandma?' or 'when are you getting sprogged up?' as though it's a case of going online and ordering a baby.
    I asked my Dad not to enquire, which is just as well as two days later I had a miscarriage. He hasn't said anything since. But my cousin, bringing her newborn to meet us for the first time, asked 'any luck giving lil' eluf a brother or sister?' Coming the day after I'd had the miscarriage, I think I did well not to cry.
    People should know better than to ask about baby-making plans, as they have no idea what a struggle some people go through to start a family; nor should you have to justify your decision not to have one.
  • TurbulenceTurbulence Posts: 4,819
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    Thankfully I don't get asked anymore since it became clear I planned on staying single. But I've found the best way is always straight up honesty. If you really were thinking about having kids but just not at the moment, then no harm in telling them that. If you had zero intentions of ever having kids, then just as easily tell them that too. You should do what's best for both you and your partner.
  • lyndeeloolyndeeloo Posts: 552
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    I would never dream of asking my son and his wife if they are having kids. Not my business. I have asked my other son and my daughter if he has spoke to them about it.. but they both said the same as me.. "No i would never ask something like that" :D

    I never asked my daughter either when she got married.. I thought maybe not then she had two in very fast succession when she was in her early thirties.

    Can you not just say " dont ask me any more" Things like this do puzzle me .. If i asked my kids something and they said dont asked i just would not ask,
  • shmiskshmisk Posts: 7,963
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    maybe the loss of your sister is making them so?

    I felt a lot of stress when I was married and I have now my 1 IVF child although I wanted more it wasn't to be.

    People who say 'ah you could give him a brother or sister' get pretty short shrift from me!
  • RellyRelly Posts: 3,469
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    Andys Corner, tell them in no uncertain terms that if they continue putting the pressure on at an already difficult time that you'll stop going round to see them so often, whether they try to guilt-trip you into going or not. Put that guilt out of your mind, because they're basically holding you to ransom by doing that - yes, they're having a bad time of it, but so are you.

    Put your foot down. You and your wife have other issues to deal with, and bringing a child into the equation right now would not be the best thing for either of you, and definitely not for the child.

    The thing is, when there's already so much crap to deal with, you probably don't feel up to putting your foot down or being confrontational and potentially causing more crap. However, if you do put your foot down, some of the crap will ease up. You don't have to tell them nastily or shout or anything - just sit them down and explain that you're starting to dread your visits, that you love them dearly and always will, but you don't want to start not liking them and resenting having to visit just to get nagged about their need for grand-kids, and that your priority at the moment is your getting your wife better, and all the stress of being nagged for a child will upset her even more. That sort of thing. x
  • sarahj1986sarahj1986 Posts: 11,305
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    We've been married nearly a year now and lucky for us nobody has asked that question although we have mentioned that we are in no rush to start.

    OP just tell them that currently having children is not high on your priorities due to the issues you are going through at the moment.
  • paralaxparalax Posts: 12,127
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    They probably don't realise that you feel pressed, so maybe best to let them know that they are making you feel uncomfortable, that you are not ready to have children while you have other issues going on and you would appreciate it if they dropped the subject. If they ignore it tell them it is making visits difficult.
  • frisky pythonfrisky python Posts: 9,737
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    OP, the feeling I get when reading your posts is that having put others first a lot, you feel that this is another issue of putting others wishes (your mums) before your own. Be clear about what it is you (and your wife of course!) want when it comes to kids and then you can be confident at shutting down any pressure.
  • RellyRelly Posts: 3,469
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    OP, the feeling I get when reading your posts is that having put others first a lot, you feel that this is another issue of putting others wishes (your mums) before your own. Be clear about what it is you (and your wife of course!) want when it comes to kids and then you can be confident at shutting down any pressure.

    Sorry about this (I haven't noticed the OP's posts before), but are you saying it's a general assertiveness issue, then? If so, you're right - starting out winning one 'battle' can give confidence for another.
  • qwerty_1234qwerty_1234 Posts: 950
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    As others have said really. They seem to have good intentions - perhaps there isn't need to be quite as cut-and-dry as some of the posters here have suggested (althought it depends on your stance towards the questioning really - it is a touchy subject after all), but I'd leave it until they ask again. At the point, just explain that the past few months have been a difficult time and that you and your partner are certainly in no rush to have kids. That should calm things down - if the questioning continues, politely inform them that you'd prefer not to discuss it anymore as you have enough going on without introducing children into the chaos.
  • frisky pythonfrisky python Posts: 9,737
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    Relly wrote: »
    Sorry about this (I haven't noticed the OP's posts before), but are you saying it's a general assertiveness issue, then? If so, you're right - starting out winning one 'battle' can give confidence for another.

    It can be, I don't know the OP to say it is in this case. My sister and brother in law chose not to have kids, and said so from the off and everyone accepted it. My oldest friend has been with her partner 30years, and don't want kids, and again said it firmly from the very beginning. Neither entered into discussion or debate about it from what I remember, it was "decision made, end of" although of course people the continued to meet did ask them the usual "kids?" and they had to state it all over again. They didn't need to justify their decision to anyone.

    I suppose as a mum to two kids, who always knew I wanted to be a mum (I'd describe it as instinctual) I never felt I had to justify that decision to have kids to anyone, so why should those who don't want kids feel they have to? They don't really,

    Having said that, I flat shared with a female friend who at age 26 said very firmly she never wanted kids - 20yrs later she's happily married with two of them. People however are allowed to change their opinions/views and therefore minds on whatever - it's not set in stone.

    TLDR: a firm decision brokers no discussion!
  • EmilyJEGEmilyJEG Posts: 539
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    Your mum maybe doesn't realise how insensitive she is being - with the loss of your sister, and never having the chance to have the number of children she wanted, she's probably worried because you're the last opportunity to expand the family.

    I think you need to speak to her about it - make some notes so you can get everything off your chest in one go, and be the one to bring it up so that you're prepared and it's not an inappropriate time for you. If you would consider having children in the future, reassure her it's something you would like one day but emphasise that the time is definitely not right just now and bringing a child into the world would be bad for everyone in the current situation.
  • Ella NutElla Nut Posts: 8,887
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    lyndeeloo wrote: »
    I would never dream of asking my son and his wife if they are having kids. Not my business. I have asked my other son and my daughter if he has spoke to them about it.. but they both said the same as me.. "No i would never ask something like that" :D

    I never asked my daughter either when she got married.. I thought maybe not then she had two in very fast succession when she was in her early thirties.

    Can you not just say " dont ask me any more" Things like this do puzzle me .. If i asked my kids something and they said dont asked i just would not ask,

    My mother asked me once and once only maybe in my late twenties if I thought I "might" be interested in kids. I said I doubted it, I never had been interested and probably never would. She said "Well, it's not for everybody, I know lots feel that way, nothing wrong with it either of course." in a very casual way. I was never asked again, even when I did marry at 36.

    I agree, it is NOT something that anyone should put up with, parents don't have a right to know. Badgering like this is despicable. I would say "What we decide to do, and when is our business. I'm not going to repeat myself on this, understand? Stop asking."
  • MR_PitkinMR_Pitkin Posts: 30,673
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    Mumof3 wrote: »
    Do whatever suits the both of you. But do it from an informed point of view, ie. that a woman's fertility drops through the floor from age 35 onwards.

    It's not an exact science, you don't wake up on your 35th birthday being significantly less fertile.
  • NormandieNormandie Posts: 4,617
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    I had this sort of pressure about 30 years ago. I can't believe it still goes on. Although... on reflection, I suppose I can... see para 4 below!

    Neither of us wanted children so I simply said that I was infertile and that further nosiness (from the enquirer) would be unacceptable. It shut people up beautifully. Though I'm sure I was the subject of gossip behind my back. Meh. :D

    My father (who hadn't been subjected to the 'I'm infertile' response) once made a simply appalling remark (but I loved him dearly so it was water off a duck's back as far as I was concerned) along the lines of: at least your sister is normal (she had three children). But Ma and Pa were old-fashioned and whatever I achieved in life was irrelevant compared to producing sprogs.

    I suppose that, now I'm older and can analyse things a bit more, I can see that the drive to pass on family genes and for a mother to hold her own child's children is (in some people) a very powerful desire. But that doesn't mean that anyone is entitled to ask such intrusive questions - well... more than once. ;-)

    I think in the OP's case, if he really wants to knock this sort of questioning on the head, he needs to sit down with his parents (and any other repeat offenders) and bluntly say that children are not on the agenda and may never be on the agenda* and that you will not tolerate any more questioning on the subject. Be firm, even bordering on rude. Because they are being rude. OP will need to be prepared for emotional blackmail but be firm: no one's business except the couple concerned so parents can just butt out. No further questions will be answered and barbed comments will be ignored.

    *even if they are on the agenda, nothing is guaranteed reproductively
  • pugamopugamo Posts: 18,039
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    I get the same. Sometimes it makes me not want to have children just to spite them.
  • funnierinmyheadfunnierinmyhead Posts: 487
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    It is rude, so don't worry about coming across as rude by telling them it's none of their business. Some of the above suggestions are good, non confrontational ways to suggest they back off. You really shouldn't have to justify your family planning to anyone, it's your bodies, and your lives.
  • ianradioianianradioian Posts: 74,539
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    Relly wrote: »
    Andys Corner, tell them in no uncertain terms that if they continue putting the pressure on at an already difficult time that you'll stop going round to see them so often, whether they try to guilt-trip you into going or not. Put that guilt out of your mind, because they're basically holding you to ransom by doing that - yes, they're having a bad time of it, but so are you.

    Put your foot down. You and your wife have other issues to deal with, and bringing a child into the equation right now would not be the best thing for either of you, and definitely not for the child.

    The thing is, when there's already so much crap to deal with, you probably don't feel up to putting your foot down or being confrontational and potentially causing more crap. However, if you do put your foot down, some of the crap will ease up. You don't have to tell them nastily or shout or anything - just sit them down and explain that you're starting to dread your visits, that you love them dearly and always will, but you don't want to start not liking them and resenting having to visit just to get nagged about their need for grand-kids, and that your priority at the moment is your getting your wife better, and all the stress of being nagged for a child will upset her even more. That sort of thing. x

    This post sums it up perfectly
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