In fairness, Rome is a more dramatic setting for a paso than Woking. I'm not sure bringing Horsell Common to the dancefloor would have done much for the dramatic tension.
I wonder if Mark has heard that Steve is studying herpetology and sidled up to him in a quiet moment saying 'Uhhhh, Steve, mate, I've got this, like, really red itch ..... ummmm, down there, you know .....'
Let's hope it doesn't break otherwise we'll get some disturbing mishmash -
"YER CAHM AHHTTT and pickled me walnuts and it's harder for men... *trails off*... rumba... waltz... very hard for men... walnuts... pickled... heel lead... samba... hard for men... *to audience* SHAATT AHHHPP! I'M DOIN' ME JOB! that rumbletango wuz great... need more pampers... sweaty gauchos... walnuts are harder for men..."
Nominating Monkseal on the Shirley Bassey thread. I know he has a blog to spread out in and doesn't need name-checking here but he's captured the whole blummin' thing:
Love Shirley. Love how she BOOMED that first "GOLDFINNNNNNNGAH" like it was whale song. She's got the finesse of an oil tanker bless her, but always such fun. Give her to Anton next series.
You are forgetting the Blackpool Bedhop, whereby you travel to the resort to pick up drunk Northern hens and their entourages, and visit varius run down bed and breakfasts.
This often leads to the Blackpool Itch a frantic leg crossing affair with body spasms.
I expect nothing less than a pack of frozen peas, wheelchair and hospital visit, while Steve peers, Chad like, over a wall of his own painkillers and anti-inflammatories.
Oh me too, there isn't enough vodka in the world to get me through his showdance to a mashup of There's no one quite like Grandma/Cry me a river and Michelle My Belle :(
I posted this a few days ago about my fantasy Strictly experience. I think people thought I was joking but this is truly what I would want to dance to -
Week 1 - Waltz Aljaz - Coles Corner (Richard Hawley)
It's so romantic the national birth rate goes up 50% nine months after my performance. The rehearsals go well except Aljaz keeps stopping to propose to me. It's embarrassing! We've only just met.
Week 2 - Cha Cha Cha Iveta - La Bamba - (Ritchie Valens)
Gosh, Iveta and I are practically body doubles! We each wear dresses that weigh 50lbs but it doesn't matter because we're fabulous. It's all going well until someone in the canteen asks if he can have a selfie with The Cheeky Girls. Iveta is from Lithuania, she doesn't understand why I'm crying.
Week 3 - Foxtrot Brendan - The Very Thought of You (Ella Fitzgerald)
Brendan gets his mojo back and we're like Fred and Ginge! Aljaz can't cope with me dancing with another man. There are fisticuffs. The Daily Mail reports of 'backstage tensions' don't even cover half of it.
Week 4 - Jive Pasha - Dreaming (Blondie)
We're Debbie Harry and Andy Warhol at CBGBs and we're soooo cool! The comedy VT involves Pasha in a Warhol-esque film called The Dance Factory. He's so happy he cries.
Week 5 - Tango Aliona - This Town Ain't Big Enough for the Both of Us (Sparks)
God, Aliona seems sooooo scary but it turns out she's just really, really method and, in fact, I'm the only person she's ever liked in her life. We become BFF, and by that I mean Mean Girls.
Week 6 - Samba Ian - Going Back to My Roots (Odyssey)
It's so incredible the viewers feel like they've worn a polyester jumpsuit but been let into Studio 54 anyway. Ian wears those red trousers. He decides he's also my BFF and we're going to do everything together and go everywhere together and never leave each other's side.
Week 7 - Rumba Vincent - Help Me Make It Through the Night (Rita Coolidge and Kris Kristofferson)
It's so sensual teenagers can't bear to watch with their parents. The Daily Star's front page asks if two Strictly stars 'did it' on live television. We did.
Blackpool Week - American Smooth Anton - Everything's Coming Up Roses (Ethel Merman)
The entire tower is turned into a giant helter-skelter. Anton and I slide down from the top and land in the ballroom. We do the entire routine while simultaneously keeping 100 plates spinning on poles and never break a single one. It's so camp from henceforth Anton and I are asked to front every single Eurovision Song Contest ever.
Week 9 - Charleston Aliona - The Charleston (Mack and Johnson)
We're literally possessed by the spirit of Josephine Baker. There is a slight wardrobe malfunction with a black widow infestation in our banana costumes but Aliona just kills them with her bare hands and carries on. Aliona rocks!
Week 10 - Quickstep Natalie - Lust for Life (Iggy Pop)
Our legs are so long and elegant we're like a pair of Sapphic gazelles leaping across the plains. It's all going well until she keeps stopping to propose to me in rehearsals. Oh god, not the women too!
Quarter Finals - Salsa and Argentine Tango Flavia (Salsa) - Bamboleo (Celia Cruz)
It's so authentic viewers write to Raul Castro to demand he invades the UK. The US Ambassador leaves the country in protest. Aljaz begins to style himself as Che Guevara in an attempt to impress me. It's kind of hot. Vincent (Argentine Tango) - Theme from Bullitt (Lalo Schifrin)
Vincent arrives on a Vespa he's ridden from the West End. It's a cool, jazzy interpretation. Viewers tuning in halfway through wonder why primetime Saturday evening BBC1 is showing a Fellini film. Others complain the dry ice means they can't see our footwork. That's not dry ice, it's the smoke our legs are generating.
Semi Finals - Paso Doble and Viennese Waltz Tristan (Paso Doble) - Prince Charming (Adam and the Ants)
I'm originally partnered with Kristina but we catfight over who gets to be Diana Dors. I'm jealous that she actually looks like her and demand she is replaced by Tristan who is just so rock 'n' roll. When Pasha see Tristan's costume he silently weeps in a corner. Aljaz (Viennese Waltz) - Mad About the Boy (Dinah Washington)
I'm a mature Joan Crawford, he's a young Montgomery Clift, he steps from a silvery-screen and we dance. As we whirl around the dance-floor he whispers from a folio of poetry he has written about me entitled 'Your Milky-White Thighs'. I wonder about getting the police involved.
The Final - Showdance Aljaz - Jump (Van Halen)
After reprising my quickstep, rumba and waltz I perform my showdance. The original Van Halen reforms just for this moment and they've used a time machine so they're not all old and wrinkly. I arrive atop a motorcycle pyramid, comprising Austin Healey, Colin Jackson, Ramps, Michael Vaughn and Mark Benton, and leap through a firey hoop. Halfway through the routine we pause as a newly-ordained Ian performs a marriage ceremony for Aljaz and I. It's a move that blasts the classic 'dead nan' out of the water. Unfortunately I have entered Strictly in the same year as Jonny Wilkinson who is good-looking and a bloke and a sportsman and, surprisingly, half-decent at dancing and I am merely runner-up. DS Spy will debate this moment for the next decade.
I do wish someone just would tell her if she got the job at Euro Disney though. I swear she's auditioned for it about 3 times now and I'm getting a little tired of Disney Princess Mode Pixie. It's very pretty but I had a brief moment of fear that they were somehow going to be dancing their waltz to It's a Small, Small World last night, what with the costumes, the hair, the clogs, the windmill, the basket of tulips and the kitchen sink. I far preferred Futuristic Gladiator Warrior Pixie, Electric Hair Pixie, 1940s Housewife Pixie and maybe even Carmen Miranda Pixie to Disney Princess Pixie. (Auditioning For The Role of Roxie Hart Pixie was vaguely terrifying, still not sure if I liked that one or not.)
Comments
Aw bless....
If only...
Yeah, right!
excellent choice