Shocked by my daughters MSN convo
stormin norm
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Just gone on my daughters laptop as while she's at school and on the screen was a convo from last night between her and her boyfriend. It was shocking, it was basically cyber sex and then he was saying about having a shag at school. I feel sick and just do not know what to do at all. They are both 12, although she is very mature for her age.
My mind is spinning, I just don't know what to do. If I taalk to her she'll know i've been on her computer. I didn't come here to pry, it was just on the screen, but she will be livid if she even knows I've been on it.
But I can't just let this go. I don't knw whether I should tell her dad either. We are not together and he's pretty useless but I really need some support with this
My mind is spinning, I just don't know what to do. If I taalk to her she'll know i've been on her computer. I didn't come here to pry, it was just on the screen, but she will be livid if she even knows I've been on it.
But I can't just let this go. I don't knw whether I should tell her dad either. We are not together and he's pretty useless but I really need some support with this
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She was going along with most of it tho, at one point she even said 'It's better when it hurts' :eek:
How the hell can I confront her?? She will never trust me if I say I've been on her computer, even tho I needed to use it (mines broken)
Oh my god, I've become my father. :eek:
To be honest, that was my gut reaction. But I don't want to isolate her, and make her feel she can't talk to me, which I probably will do if I jump straight in.
And anyway, they are in the same form at school.......:(
Sod it. All rules of privacy fly out the window with this. Confront her, tell her your PC broke and ask her to explain everything. Yep, she'll be morbidly embarassed and probably angry but this could be the short, sharp shock she needs to stop her furthering this.
Doubtless, people will come on here and suggest that shocking her will cause her to fly off the handle and go and do things with this guy, but I wont subscribe to that.
That said, she is probably old enough to be told about safe sex and stuff, if she hasn't already been, you don't need to let on that you know about that conversation, you could just say "you're 12 now, maybe you're getting interested in boys" or something and have a word with her about it. As you probably know, you need to make sure that she can always talk to you about it if she needs to, rather than getting into the situation where she doesn't want you to know about anything so it's all hidden from you. But kids that age (and upwards, obviously) will begin to start getting serious boy/girlfriends - it's a perfectly normal part of growing up.
She knows my computer is broken, its a constant battle ground at the mo cos she hates me using hers. Hence the fact I've given up asking and just waited till she was at school.
I'm so torn between needed to confront her but not wanting to break her trust
I don't see when she would have the chance at the moment to be honest. It's crossed my mind, but highly unlikely. Although 'm sure if things carry on, the time won't be far off
Yes, but you can't really stop teenagers having sex if they want it (though with each other, obviously). After all, you're 31 and have a 12 year old
If your daughter was 14 or 15 I would be on the same wavelength as you are - but she is only 12.
I do understand all about sexual awakenings - but I would be worried also at 12 if this conversation is going on - IF it is as explicit as you say.
Only you can judge whether they were joking or not - him saying "a quick shag?" is maybe just him trying to be "funny" and at least she was saying "no" lol - maybe its just a kid trying to be "cool" while knowing there is no way ever that she would say yes.
But if the conversation was very explicit and adult in its content I would actually not worry too much about "privacy" and think about the bigger picture. 12 is just too young to be having cyber sex.
(do you really think they were being "serious" in the content or were they obviously joking?)
Either way Im afraid privacy would have to go out the window with a child so young ................good luck with it - being a parent is completely crap at times, we are damned if we are too interfering and damned if we try to "give them their space"...........
My daughter is 14 now but at 12 she understood that when it came to the internet there was NO privacy for her. Her safety and well being came first and the rules were that I could check her internet activity at any time.
I think a 12 year old having free reign to do whatever they want online unsupervised isn't a good idea really.
Say that you needed to use her computer and that the conversation was on the screen.
That you couldnt help a couple of the sentences catching your eye as you went to close it down and that as she is only 12 you need to speak seriously to her.
She WILL go off on one - of COURSE she will - but as her parent I feel that this is something you will have to deal with - its like when a small child does wrong, they might have a tantrum but you would not avoid dealing with the issue because of this.
Ask yourself what is the alternative to speaking to her???? For you to worry about her having sex at that age with her boyfriend with all the problems that might cause ( dont need to spell them out to you Im sure!!).
Again good luck - it wont be nice but as a parent most of the teenage years I have found to be fricken horrendous - but it does get better. xxxxxxxx
Agreed totally, but again, there's a way to do it. If you just put up barriers, a kid that age will just want to climb over them.
But at the end of the day it is the OP's computer and internet connection not the kid's, she paid for it presumably.
It's a tricky one to do correctly - there are many ways to do it, but few which don't either implicitly condone the "do what you like" response provided they are comfortable with discussing it with you, or are so draconian it just puts a huge barrier up between you and the kid so they just don't trust you at all.
I feel for you finding that you must feel sick..I dont have girls but have 2 boys 14 and 15..A few years ago I changed the computer area in our house around..on purpose and it is now in the middle of the house where you are all walking through all the time..I dont nosey but can tell by the lads reactions if they are on something they shouldnt be!..I let swearing,silly rude things etc go..but do try and keep track of other things they are on and saying.My son has laptop and am sorry but whilst he is still school age the lap top stays downstairs when he goes to bed..mainly because he would be up all night on facebook..
I dont think I am a tyrant but whilst they are the age they are then I will still retain some control or where the laptop/computer is used..believe me I would have a much easier life if i let the older one take it up to bed at night..and often it ends up in a row..but when I can barely get them out of bed in the morning for school..then that is my excuse for making sure they get some sleep.
Conversations like this can take place anytime-i know..but may give you some peace to know she isnt in her bedroom chatting this way.
I'm sceptical anything's going on. They are after all only 12 (and lads tend to be quite a way more immature than girls at that age). In year 7 (11/12, so the same age) everyone used to talk about girls, girlfriends and stuff (all-boys school, but there was an all-girls school as well) but in reality it was pretty exaggerated, as a lot of it is sounding cool to fit in! It is probably just a joke - but even so, I agree, she can't not talk to her about it.
Forest I completely understand what you are saying. Its a very fine line between coming the heavy handed parent and completly pushing her away - I know.
But to NOT address it at all I feel is somehow worse. No matter how lightly you handle this the 12 year old WILL "go off on one" - but it still has to be handled in some way - what I said above I feel is the "lightest" way to do it - to try to engage her in conversation about it without shouting and ranting - but I do agree - no matter what its going to be a real hard one to deal with.
Best case scenario - two very immature kids thinking they are "cool" and having a bit of internet banter
Worse case scenario - unprotected sex between children so young - I would rather try my best to get to the bottom of which case scenario it is.................:(
My gut feeling is that there is nothing going on and its kids trying to be cool.
But if the conversation is very adult in content and the mum feels uncomfortable then I just feel it cant be left to chance..........
You have seen the convo as it was just sitting there. I would suggest that she can chat on MSN in the living room under supervision and not in her room for the time being. That is quite reasonable and what the child safety organisations suggest when it comes to safe internet use.
I would not go in all heavy though. Just ask her if her BF is pressuring her to have sex, that she is too young for stuff like that etc etc. More concerned than angry.
Definitely, at that age letting them have machines in their rooms is a bad idea - well, I did have an old machine when I was in secondary school but it wasn't connected to the internet (we didn't have dialup until I was 16) and I didn't have an internet connected machine in there until I was 18. They need to sometimes, though they won't think so, be supervised online because of the dangers - not just other people, but scams, viruses and stuff as well, and of course, if they're up late it's affecting their schoolwork as well.
I don't think anyone has said not to address it at all - there's just ways to go into it gently, like if you talk to her about boyfriends and safe sex she might just mention it or you could lever it in gently. It's not the same as just going up to her and going OI KID I SAW YOUR DIRTY MSN LAST NIGHT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND YOU ARE ONLY 12 AND SHOULDNT BE DOING THIS. Or you could say the same thing and be a bit more civilised. Either way it needs to be discussed preferably without the OP's kid being so pissed off with it that she decides to just hide everything and just not cyber on msn and go to the park or something, where her mum can't ever find out. That's the kind of standoff which should definitely be avoided.
Yep - thats what I feel too.............