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I must have the worst relationship ever..
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My relationship is so messed up, right now I am sitting here with my baby asleep beside me while my 'boyfriend' is outside in the kitchen on his computer hosting a blog show live, in his 'room' he has viewers watching him, the same people go into his room each night, mostly women..well they are probably teenagers knowing him
so basically these people get his attention and time and he comes across so sweet and funny, and loads of these women/girls add him on Skype and when I go to bed he sometimes (when he is drinking) goes on webcam and masturbates with them
I posted a thread here before about hearing him discussing a few girls he has seen naked on cam, and how he had shot his load over his webcam when one of them took her top off..he was drunk and didn't think I could hear this conversation, I was upstairs btw and could hear him telling his asshole friend all this, he is 32 with three young kids aswell
I suspected it anyway as he never seems to want sex anymore, and I am in bits as it really hurts to think when I'm in bed he is doing this, he sits up on his computer until 6am most days, he does not go out much so I know he is not sleeping with someone else at the moment anyway
So I do everything with the kids and baby and he just sits there 24/7 in this fantasy world, he hides his screen and exits out of pages everytime I walk into the room and then tells me I am paranoid and insecure and making things up in my head..oh and he threatens to leave me all the time because I question what he is doing online
So last Saturday night I came into the room and he has his belt undone with his hand in his trousers, now I never usually come down the stairs at night but I had a feeling he was up to something..I was so close to catching him, he heard me outside the door and I could hear him fixing himself
He is unemployed, does nothing all day, never comes near me and barely even speaks to our boys..and I am taking all this is I am so afraid of being alone and being a single Mum
Also I suspected him of having two affairs, with his co-workers..all the obvious signs were there, this is going back three years, I have a feeling it was two different women, but I think he was dumped back in April as he was always disapearing for hours and coming back with stupid excuses and then he suddenly was here all the time and rarely left the house
I think his 'friend' left the country, so I'm paranoid she will come back and he will go back to her
So I am depressed and miserable and so afraid of what I will hear him do and say at night, I dread going to bed and hearing him whispering to someone..he is getting worse too, being braver and pushing me so far as he knows I don't want him to leave, when he is drinking it's worse as I know then he will sit there looking for someone to get him off
I want to go to my GP and maybe get something to help my nerves as I feel so anxious and worried all the time, and I am getting very black thoughts especially at night
..I sometimes think he is trying to drive me off my head, he knows the lack of sex and affection between us really hurts me as I have questioned him and told him how I feel, and he just still does nothing but avoid me and go on his blog show talking to these girls, being so nice to them while I am standing there like an idiot listening to him
We have been togther 13 years and it has never been this bad, I was wondering if losing his job has effected him that he had to get drunk and see teenagers naked behind a screen to get him off, but I know he was with someone last christmas and up until April so I just don't exist to him now as I think he is pining for this person
I know I sound pathetic and stupid but my confidence has been shattered and I am in bits over how bad he has been this year, I feel if he stays or leaves I can't win..I still love him, yet he just does not see me in the same way, even though I haven't changed
He doesn't flaunt his webcam sessions, like he will lie and tell me I'm wrong and he does try and pretend he is not up to anything and he almost convinces me sometimes, but I am a bit more intelligent then he thinks..he is the dumb one that makes things so obvious like leaving socks with dried cum on them under his computer chair
I still think he has some feelings for me, but he is acting so weird and seedy..it's a horrible way to live
sorry this is so long btw
so basically these people get his attention and time and he comes across so sweet and funny, and loads of these women/girls add him on Skype and when I go to bed he sometimes (when he is drinking) goes on webcam and masturbates with them
I posted a thread here before about hearing him discussing a few girls he has seen naked on cam, and how he had shot his load over his webcam when one of them took her top off..he was drunk and didn't think I could hear this conversation, I was upstairs btw and could hear him telling his asshole friend all this, he is 32 with three young kids aswell
I suspected it anyway as he never seems to want sex anymore, and I am in bits as it really hurts to think when I'm in bed he is doing this, he sits up on his computer until 6am most days, he does not go out much so I know he is not sleeping with someone else at the moment anyway
So I do everything with the kids and baby and he just sits there 24/7 in this fantasy world, he hides his screen and exits out of pages everytime I walk into the room and then tells me I am paranoid and insecure and making things up in my head..oh and he threatens to leave me all the time because I question what he is doing online
So last Saturday night I came into the room and he has his belt undone with his hand in his trousers, now I never usually come down the stairs at night but I had a feeling he was up to something..I was so close to catching him, he heard me outside the door and I could hear him fixing himself
He is unemployed, does nothing all day, never comes near me and barely even speaks to our boys..and I am taking all this is I am so afraid of being alone and being a single Mum
Also I suspected him of having two affairs, with his co-workers..all the obvious signs were there, this is going back three years, I have a feeling it was two different women, but I think he was dumped back in April as he was always disapearing for hours and coming back with stupid excuses and then he suddenly was here all the time and rarely left the house
I think his 'friend' left the country, so I'm paranoid she will come back and he will go back to her
So I am depressed and miserable and so afraid of what I will hear him do and say at night, I dread going to bed and hearing him whispering to someone..he is getting worse too, being braver and pushing me so far as he knows I don't want him to leave, when he is drinking it's worse as I know then he will sit there looking for someone to get him off
I want to go to my GP and maybe get something to help my nerves as I feel so anxious and worried all the time, and I am getting very black thoughts especially at night
..I sometimes think he is trying to drive me off my head, he knows the lack of sex and affection between us really hurts me as I have questioned him and told him how I feel, and he just still does nothing but avoid me and go on his blog show talking to these girls, being so nice to them while I am standing there like an idiot listening to him
We have been togther 13 years and it has never been this bad, I was wondering if losing his job has effected him that he had to get drunk and see teenagers naked behind a screen to get him off, but I know he was with someone last christmas and up until April so I just don't exist to him now as I think he is pining for this person
I know I sound pathetic and stupid but my confidence has been shattered and I am in bits over how bad he has been this year, I feel if he stays or leaves I can't win..I still love him, yet he just does not see me in the same way, even though I haven't changed
He doesn't flaunt his webcam sessions, like he will lie and tell me I'm wrong and he does try and pretend he is not up to anything and he almost convinces me sometimes, but I am a bit more intelligent then he thinks..he is the dumb one that makes things so obvious like leaving socks with dried cum on them under his computer chair
I still think he has some feelings for me, but he is acting so weird and seedy..it's a horrible way to live
sorry this is so long btw
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Comments
I fear it may be too late for you since you obviously believe you ought to be treated like a doormat, but bare in mind you have sons who are like sponges and may well believe that women should be treated like their mother.
Sorry but...their father is a lazy lying cheating kvunt and is a pathetic specimen of a man and father; he needed to be kicked to the curb aeons ago by you before it got to this, the only question remains is why you didnt do it.
Good luck with it all the same.
And do you think you are worth so little that it is ok to be treated like this? Why do you deserve to be treated like shit?
All sexual content is pretty much prohibited on there, so you really shouldn't be worrying for that part at least. It's primarily used (or was back in the day) by internet celebrities (youtube stars etc) as a live blog, as well as a way to communicate and interact with fans.
There are two sides to every story though - and believe me...most blokes ONLY do this if the other party is willing to participate. (it takes TWO!) and these teenage girls know full well and EXACTLY what they are doing...and they do not need any encouragement or protection.
Let's not go down that road you are thinking of because lots of teenage girls deliberately flaunt themselves on-line and get a thrill of the attention. If anything...THEY should be prosecuted for broadcasting illicit sexual activity - NOT the male in question! This is where the laws are totally screwed up! Teenage girls are definately NOT as innocent as they look and they laugh at these so called 'protection laws' and if anything I think it is the MALE population that actually needs protecting against these teenage girls that offer sex on a plate and know they can get away with it because of their age.
You seriously need to wake UP to reality...and so do these middle ages MP's who are way out of touch with society and make these alleged laws of which todays teenage girls are laughing at because they know they can get away with it!
Jeez....how outdated is this society? :rolleyes:
I'll totally agree the idea of leaving the known (even if it's cr@p) for the unknown of a single life with children is damned frightening... I had to start over myself as a single parent when my ex husband did a moonlight flit... It took time to adjust - discovering how to be happy again and take control of my life was at times challenging and frightening - but boy, it was an exhilarating time too...
Your partner doesn't rate fidelity or responsibility to his home and family very highly... This is obviously hugely distressing to you but you really need to decide whether you can continue to live like this or not - it is totally *your* decision not his... If you can, then you need to work out a way for yourself that you can just kick on and ignore the behaviour that's driving you nuts... If you can't, you need to have some expectations for yourself within this relationship and if they aren't met, be prepared to walk away... What I mean is you can't just continue to let yourself be upset day in day out - you do need to accept it all or make changes - with him or without him...
You're also a parent and that means having to figure in what is the best for them too... To continue to be raised in the current household, to implement changes or ultimately, if necessary, to create a better environment for them...
You can win - but only if you act for yourself rather than deciding that his actions determine that... The bigger question is why you don't love yourself more...
I can only speak from my own experience... Adjusting from familiarity (even when detrimental) to the unknown is difficult - but definitely not impossible... It took time but I learned to value and have higher expectations both from and for myself and my children... I'd walk over hot coals now before exposing myself or my offspring to such a setup again...
I wish you the best whatever you decide
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=1073010&highlight=
Although some posters did seem to think you should explore "why" your partner was behaving this way :eek:
I think it's gone well beyond that - he has disrespected you in a way that is unforgiveable.
You need to leave this man - or ask him to leave NOW
There is lots of help available to you,from family support groups,womens refuges(might not take you in but would give advice ),the GP.Start with the HV next time you see her,even if it's just to tell her you are unhappy and not sure about your options.You don't need to go into detail if you feel it's too hard.Where are your /his family?Can they help,even if you just ask someone to have a word?
Someone said in you previous thread,get the internet cut off.If you don't want to do that you can just remove the modem so that you have control of when it's used and what for.I know it always gets said in advice, but you REALLY deserve better than this.
1) You stay, he stays and he keeps on doing what he's doing and you carry on being miserable as sin for the rest of your days together. Why milk the cow when you can get the milk for free?
2) You stay, he goes and it'll more than likely be with one of his skanks. You'll still be miserable because the decision will have been taken out of your hands in the nastiest possible way.
or
3) You accept that your marriage is already dead and that you are effectively already a single mum and take some steps in preparing to leave. Give yourself the power, and boy will you feel better - I can promise you that.
Don't hold on to any hope that you can save your relationship or that your OH will change his ways and go back to how he was - that seems highly unlikely now. He doesn't respect you because you stay with him whilst he behaves so badly. The simplest of explanations are usually the right ones. I would suggest kicking him out, but it's more than likely that he'll start begging you to come back when his security is threatened and because you're at a low ebb right now, you'll fall for it and you'll be right back to square one.
I think you're gonna have to leave and take the kids with you. I know it's difficult uprooting the children but this is temporary means to an end until you're strong enough to resist going back to him each and every time. Make no mistake, he does not care one jot about you or your children. Maybe he will once he's forced to be on his own and realises what he's lost but that should be too little, too late for you. Or maybe he'll carry on, unemployed and addicted to internet hoes. Who knows?! Let him flounder. You deserve respect, but only if you believe it yourself.
Put the power in your hands - the ball in your court. Speak to friends and family if you can, solicitors or as a last resort, a domestic abuse shelter. And whilst I would never encourage anybody to cheat on their partners, it would seem that your OH doesn't seem to give two sh!ts about doing it, so after a little while, why not join a chat or dating site and see what's out there?! Or doll yourself up and go on a night out with friends?! It doesn't have to lead to anything except friendship (especially as it's probably too soon) but it will a) give you a confidence boost to be chatted up by other fellas and b) give you a chance to see what else it out there. You need to cement your boundaries first though - people will only get away with murder when they're allowed to. There are plenty of lovely blokes about who would treat you like a queen. You just have to believe that that's what you are.....
Good luck Nikki.
Oh please. No one's denying that there are some attention whoring and manipulative teenage girls on the internet, particularly the so called internet celebrities on stickam, but you're being ridiculous by suggesting that in ALL cases these are harlots, Jezebels and wannabe Lolitas picking on a poor defenseless male. There are some cases where that is true, but you must know deep down that in the majority of cases it doesn't hold up to reality. The John Hock case is one example of this, since it's the opposite gender-wise of what you are describing.
I am not middle aged and I'm male myself, I've been on the internet since I was twelve years old. And I have first hand experience of how a lot of guys will lure you in with acts of friendship, generosity and kindness then suddenly will flip and will start to use emotional blackmail like threatening to commit suicide when you don't pay them enough attention, don't comply with their demands or favour someone else over them. They will constantly try to make the ''friendship'' seem equal in line crossing actions when the power is obviously imbalanced.
Even when you turn against them, there are some cases where no one will believe you because they think its inconcieveable that their nice, handsome, or popular friend is actually a manipulative scumbag and a pervert, either that or they're under the spell themselves. It's easier to pretend to be someone wonderful on the internet than it is in real life. I've never been into sites like Stickam or blog tv unlike a lot of my friends, but webcamming is the definitive mode of choice for a lot of nonces nowadays. My own would-be predators on the other hand tried initiating cybering/roleplaying and doing flagrant acts like appearing on webcam naked themselves for no reason whatsoever because I refused to webcam myself. Even though I thought they were my friends before they did it, I blocked them completely out of my life every single time they did anything like that. Someone who could be mentally weaker, or worse, naive to this type of thing might have overlooked it or even interpreted it as an act of love if it got to that stage.
NikkiClo, sorry to say it, but your boyfriend seems like the typical grade A fit for this type of person. I am not suggesting you call the police, but he needs to seriously get counselling or something before this turns into an addiction. If he doesn't watch then one day the police WILL arrest him for grooming charges, child pornography or something along those lines because these things always spiral out of control. It has to be stopped before it gets to that point, and if he doesn't listen to you then either you (along with the kids) or he must leave. Because at the end of the day, for all the manipulated and Jezebel-ish types on the internet, there are also a lot of very sensible people who will straightaway report behaviour like that to the relevant authorities.
If I were you I'd be kicking him out the door.
My initial thought and personally the only option she truly has
BUT when you read through the opening post and indeed the last thread on the subject you begin to see someone who has all but been stripped of any confidence and self respect. It makes for very upsetting reading actually!!
OP all I can say is think about your child - think about your child growing up in the situation you are in now?? Surely you do not want that???
You can get help - and you can leave this bastard.... A bunch of strangers telling you 'you can do it' probably doesn't mean much after the battering your confidence has taken but I urge you to take every last little inch of strenth you have and get this man out of your life - any way you can - it's the only way you and your child will be able to survive and be happy!!!
I think you should attend therapy / counselling sessions to help with building your self confidence so that you can see that its better to be a single mum and look elsewhere for a relationship then to put up with this type of behaviour.
I think you should ask yourself if you still want to be with him?
This question determines your way forward, as if you dont then use the situation you are in to get some help for yourself in terms of your self esteem and confidence and when you are on cloud nine then get rid of him.
Alternatively if you still want him around then you need to sit and discuss with him once you feel confident and strong the implications of his behaviour and how that makes you feel.
I'd like to know how your relationship and sexual relationship with him is?
Despite having three kids do you both have time alone together when you go for meals or for a walk in the park or to the pictures?
I believe the decision on how to move forward must come from you.
Good luck
Personally I would rather be alone than with such an awful man. You can easily find better than him.
Start planning the practicalities, a job, childcare, family and friends support, what benefits you'd be entitled to and you'll see it really is possible. Why not start with seeing how much money you'd need and how you're going to find it, it will be exhilirating as you'll be doing it for you and your kids!
You have three young children and a really tedious, disrepectful adolescent as a partner.
You're scared of change I get that but change MUST happen FROM YOU or nothing will change.
Why don't you deserve emotional and physical love? Why don't your children deserve a present and loving father? YOU ALL DO. HE IS THE FALIURE. GET ANGRY & GET RID.
He can do live web chat in a bed sit and pay the price with his children's contempt and indifference when they are older.
YOU can concentrate on improving you and being a great mum.
The GREAT news is the only way is up IF YOU make a change.
How can being a single mum be any worse than your current situation?
You know yourself that this relationship is all wrong. It's not good for you or your kids. The only one getting any benefit out of it is the useless lump of meat masquerading as a partner!
I can only emphasise what everyone else has said. Being a single mother will be *better* than what you have now. Honestly. You will have control of your life back and you won't have that useless git in the house pulling you down and destroying your self-esteem. He isn't worth it!
I think you need to realise that you can be a lot stronger than you know. You've reached out to us and now you need to take steps to change things. He's not going to change. He's got no reason to. His life is fine in his mind.
A good way to start would be to find out exactly what benenfits and rights you would have as a single mother. You will get help. Get legal advice on your situation. Knowledge empowers and you will feel more in control if you know what you can do. If you can talk to family, get them involved. Get a support system.
Just one more thing. Did you see the thread by SmellyJem? She was in a similar situation to you and, like you, had come to a point where enough was enough. She got out and felt better for it. A lot better for it. I'm not going lie and say her life is now easy because that would be wrong. But it's a lot better than it was.
You can do this.
Good luck.