Dating, early stages - when to divulge past (gay) relationship?
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Hi all,
After breaking up with my long term girlfriend last year, I've decided to get back into the dating scene. I've been on 4 dates with one girl who I can potentially see as getting closer with. We've spoken a little about both of our most recent previous relationship, but I have been in a relationship with a guy before (this ended around 5 years ago and was extremely non-sexual, no sex, but did last 3 years due to me letting it go on for MUCH longer than necessary for me).
Now, I've had girlfriends since then - I've lived with one for well over a year, but I know this is something I should tell her at some point. Previously, I'd tell girls on the first date so it's out there right away, but recently I've gone off this idea as that's me (potentially) making a big deal about it when it's really not (I see it as totally in my past, which has helped me become more secure in who I am now). On the other hand, I understand it's not an 'everyday thing' that all guys have in their past, so understand that I should tell her at some point.
I'm just not sure when's the best time to do this - should I wait until it's clearer that we're in an exclusive relationship (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend) or just tell her next time I see her (if the subject of previous relationships comes up?). Some people don't like to talk deeply about previous partners early into dating, so don't want to scare her off until she actually knows me/trusts me more... but maybe this is an exception?
As I say, it was a very non-sexual relationship and one that confirmed to me that I do not want to be with men, but it was a significant amount of time.
I'm in my late 20's by the way.
Thanks!
After breaking up with my long term girlfriend last year, I've decided to get back into the dating scene. I've been on 4 dates with one girl who I can potentially see as getting closer with. We've spoken a little about both of our most recent previous relationship, but I have been in a relationship with a guy before (this ended around 5 years ago and was extremely non-sexual, no sex, but did last 3 years due to me letting it go on for MUCH longer than necessary for me).
Now, I've had girlfriends since then - I've lived with one for well over a year, but I know this is something I should tell her at some point. Previously, I'd tell girls on the first date so it's out there right away, but recently I've gone off this idea as that's me (potentially) making a big deal about it when it's really not (I see it as totally in my past, which has helped me become more secure in who I am now). On the other hand, I understand it's not an 'everyday thing' that all guys have in their past, so understand that I should tell her at some point.
I'm just not sure when's the best time to do this - should I wait until it's clearer that we're in an exclusive relationship (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend) or just tell her next time I see her (if the subject of previous relationships comes up?). Some people don't like to talk deeply about previous partners early into dating, so don't want to scare her off until she actually knows me/trusts me more... but maybe this is an exception?
As I say, it was a very non-sexual relationship and one that confirmed to me that I do not want to be with men, but it was a significant amount of time.
I'm in my late 20's by the way.
Thanks!
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Comments
Tell her before it becomes a lie not to tell it. Not whether on when she asks you, but when you've shared enough mutually that excluding it becomes a deliberate act of concealment.
After all, I'm sure you wouldn't want to be with a girl who would judge you for such a background.
My friend was 6 months into a relationship and had a big heart-to-heart dirt sharing with her boyfriend. A kind of cards-on-the-table, 'this is my crazy' kind of sharing session where they learned a lot about each other. The very next night his male housemate came up to her in a club and told her that they used to sleep together.
They didn't any more, and she didn't care that he'd done gay/bi stuff, but the fact that she'd laid her soul bare and thought that he had too really got to her. It became a lie because she thought she should know that about him.
Can I ask what made this past thing with a guy a relationship? If there was no contact at all, wouldn't that just be good friends?
Thanks, I understand what you're saying here. Instead of just blurting it out you suggest just not holding it back when the time comes to chat about past relationships on a much deeper level.
It's such a tricky one, as one part of me thinks "it's so far in my past now, it shouldn't matter so let's just be open" but on the other hand I'm also thinking "it's so early into this potential relationship, why the need to divulge things like this already that have no bearing on my future"?
We did go on some holidays together, and when I said non-sexual, that was probably a bit misleading, as there was contact from time-to-time, but it was so few and far between over the course of 3 years (and minimal), mainly because I never wanted to do anything or stay the night with the guy.
More than a bit misleading. This relationship lasted three whole years so it was a good deal more important to you than you're admitting to youself. No matter how much you want to dismiss this man as someone of no importance, he mattered once and you didn't treat him very well if you are telling the whole truth now.
You cannot be honest with this girlfriend if you cannot even be honest with yourself.
If not, I don't see the problem. If yes, then my advice would be to not blurt anything out too soon unless asked of course.
No we didn't have sex at all.
'What name??' I understand your point, and I'm not asking if I should tell her sometime, more 'when'. If the subject comes up, I certainly won't lie or hide it, I just don't know if I should purposefully bring it up or wait until we have a more natural discussion about our entire dating history.
I hate to pry or probe here but I am misunderstanding when you so "some contact" and then "no sex at all" it is a little strange. Are you equating full penetration as sex and all other touching as not?
I can't quite understand your thinking on this. One can still be in a romantic relationship and have minimal sexual contact, though it is rather unusual. To brush aside or deny a three-year relationship on the basis that they never actually had sex (even though the OP says there was some sexual contact) would surely be very dishonest, both to himself and his partner(s).
That sounds like the best idea, John. Wait until there's a natural discussion about your dating histories, and then tell her.
What does it matter? He was in a three-year relationship - surely the ins and outs (no pun intended!) of exactly what they got up to in the bedroom is neither here nor there.
It does because to be honest he seems to be hiding something and the fact that he is so worried about it makes one equally dubious. I sense there is more than we are being told and just as some said if they didn't really do anything then there was no real relationship just intense friends so it would merit whether to tell any prospective partner or not.
I totally get what you're saying, but I think the fact that he himself describes it as a relationship, even if there was no sex, is reason enough to tell a prospective partner about it. I'm thinking about it from her point of view. I've never dated a bisexual man (to my knowledge, anyway), and I don't think it would bother me at all, but I would want to know.
since you did not have sex then whenever a natural point comes up in conversation.
You see this is the reason I'm worried about it, as it's a very hard one for those that didn't know me back then to fully understand what it was like. I guess my explanations aren't great, which may be why I'm stirring up more questions.
Without getting into too much detail, we did 'fool around' on the odd occasion (every few months), so not have penetrative sex, but other things did happen. I got on very well with him as a person, but as far as the sexual side was concerned, it never interested me, and I tried to avoid it as often as I could.
Should I have ended things a lot sooner? Yes, of course, and I feel bad for not doing this, but as I say, we did get on well. Am I embarrassed or ashamed of being with a guy? Not at all, it's made me more confident in what I want/need now.... the issue is explaining this to somebody without making it seem like I'm hiding something.
You can say, "You' know, I've done this before..." and take it from there...
I can understand your difficulty and this in deed a question in world we are all pigeon holed by labels. However I think the most appropriate advice here would be to speak of it at an appropriate time. If someone really likes you for you then it should come with all the bells and whistles. It is the 21st century unless you are going to date a religious fundamentalist.
Yes, this is certainly what I feel more comfortable with. I'd rather get to know her a bit more (and her me) and the people we are now, before we go into details about the past. Although, I know that a person's past shapes how they are as a person today, so if we do get deep on to the subject next time I see her, I will just say. I'm not going to shoe-horn it into conversation though (as I have done in the past)
If you treat it as if it was an important past relationship, she will probably take it that you were in love with him and are bisexual, which could be a problem for no reason as you are not; a problem if she doesn't like bisexuals or cannot understand it.
All you have to say - only if it would seem like concealment otherwise at any stage - is you had a close male friend you experimented slightly with.
If anyone tells her you had a relationship with a guy, all you have to say is you were experimenting. That's true - isn't it?
She might have experimented with females in the past, but I doubt she'd disclose it unless it was relevant to her now.
But if you actually are bisexual, when you get closer this is probably something you should disclose.
Thanks for the reply Dolls, I've never actually thought of it as simply experimenting before, I guess because of the time frame involved, but it does actually make sense given that since that ended I've known that it's not something I'd want to / have the urge to go back to.
Why can't you just wait till the conversation is around that area anyway and just tell her what you've told us? You seem very uncomfortable about it now, but it is part of who you are. It was part of your journey in life, and part of your process of discovering who you are. You shouldn't feel you have to lie or not-quite-tell-the-truth about it.
If she is potentially someone who might be right for you, then she needs to be someone who is OK with all aspects of you in a completely honest way, and that includes the past relationship.
Honesty is the basis for good relationships.
I agree. I've been with my partner for 10 years now, and we've never felt the need or obligation to give, nor to have, an account of each others previous relationships - they're history. Yet as with yours, they're part our own histories so bits and pieces of them crop up in anecdotes in random conversations. That's just normal in the same way other bits of our lives before we met each other crop up as well.
I think I would be put off somebody if they had the need to tell me all about their past relationships, or had a need to know all about mine.
My second point is this. Your past is in the past. Why should it play any part in your future? If it's no longer relevant, there's no reason to bring it up. Unless it's not really as 'in your past', as you're making out.
In summary, don't allow your past to define your future; you massive cock tease.
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