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Death of Best Friend
Dodgyraider
Posts: 283 Forum Member
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Hi all
I don't really know what advise I'm after. Suppose I'm using this as more of a venting tool.
Last month I lost one of my best friends. Completely unexpected and sudden, he just collapsed and died one night and was discovered the next morning by his partner. He had stayed downstairs to work whilst she went to bed. Tests carried out since have come back as inconclusive. He was only 35 with a 20 month old kid.
I spoke with him on the Wednesday and he was absolutely fine, his usual cheery self. We were making plans for our Lads Trip in October following the rugby world cup around. We were so, so looking forward to that. Like giddy children waiting for Christmas Day! On the Friday he was dead.
It's been six weeks to the day now and I'm still really struggling to process the fact he is gone and I'm never going to speak to him again or never meet up for a beer, go for a run etc again.
There doesn't appear to be a minute go by when I'm not thinking about it and to be honest it's exhausting.
I have a great network of friends for which I am truly grateful and we help each other out and talk about it. We manage to have a laugh about days gone by but it feels like a bit of a front.
I've been around his house numerous times to sit with his partner and help with the kid but I feel I need to do more. But I don't know what to do to help this feeling of complete and utter loss go away.
I'm a 29 year old rugby playing bloke and find myself crying every other day still.
I know it seems like a cliché thing to say but he was genuinely like a brother to me. If we'd not met up for a week or so he would phone me just for a catch up and to make sure I was alright.
I'm single and live alone and if he ever thought I was at a loss for plans over the weekend he'd come pick me up, take me back to his and we (along with his lovely partner) would just chat the night away, have a few beers, a takeaway, watch tv etc...
Like I say I don't know what advise I'm after, if any. But it does help to talk or write about everything!
Sorry for the long depressing post!
I don't really know what advise I'm after. Suppose I'm using this as more of a venting tool.
Last month I lost one of my best friends. Completely unexpected and sudden, he just collapsed and died one night and was discovered the next morning by his partner. He had stayed downstairs to work whilst she went to bed. Tests carried out since have come back as inconclusive. He was only 35 with a 20 month old kid.
I spoke with him on the Wednesday and he was absolutely fine, his usual cheery self. We were making plans for our Lads Trip in October following the rugby world cup around. We were so, so looking forward to that. Like giddy children waiting for Christmas Day! On the Friday he was dead.
It's been six weeks to the day now and I'm still really struggling to process the fact he is gone and I'm never going to speak to him again or never meet up for a beer, go for a run etc again.
There doesn't appear to be a minute go by when I'm not thinking about it and to be honest it's exhausting.
I have a great network of friends for which I am truly grateful and we help each other out and talk about it. We manage to have a laugh about days gone by but it feels like a bit of a front.
I've been around his house numerous times to sit with his partner and help with the kid but I feel I need to do more. But I don't know what to do to help this feeling of complete and utter loss go away.
I'm a 29 year old rugby playing bloke and find myself crying every other day still.
I know it seems like a cliché thing to say but he was genuinely like a brother to me. If we'd not met up for a week or so he would phone me just for a catch up and to make sure I was alright.
I'm single and live alone and if he ever thought I was at a loss for plans over the weekend he'd come pick me up, take me back to his and we (along with his lovely partner) would just chat the night away, have a few beers, a takeaway, watch tv etc...
Like I say I don't know what advise I'm after, if any. But it does help to talk or write about everything!
Sorry for the long depressing post!
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Comments
You need do whatever helps you get though it. Be that writing on here or going to a bereavement counselling group or whatever. Time is the only thing that will make things better, but the loss will never truly go away.
Be there for his family as much as you can. You can support each other through this difficult time.
Six weeks is not a long time, this is still very new and raw. Please don't think you need to be feeling okay about it. Grief is grief, and it's even harder if you're close.
The feeling of loss won't go away, but you will, in time, find ways of accepting it.
My best friend died two and a half years ago at 36 leaving behind 4 kids she died of cancer so admittedly we knew it was coming but in a lot of ways watching someone you love slowly die is harder I think. People say you can prepare yourself but you cant its still a shock when they're gone.
I miss her every day sometimes I still cry.
I cant give you any advice...the world continues moving on no matter how much you want it to stop.
This type of death happens a fair amount (Sudden Death Syndrome, I think it's called, but I might be wrong), so you're not alone. You and his partner might benefit from a chat with someone at CRY:
http://www.c-r-y.org.uk/sads/
All the best to you, I mean that. x
http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showthread.php?t=989167&highlight=
We are still very close and have already spoken in depth about it.
Chuff me I got shudders reading that post back. Still remember that conversation...
Since that day she has had two kids and is in a very loving relationship. Although she has had to move away so we don't get to see each other as often as we did back then.
Only time can truly heal, but you have already taken an important step by crying - a lot of people are stupid and say men should not cry but they are complete idiots.
My best friend was killed in a car crash in Australia just over 9 years ago. He had gone out there for a year to work and was killed 2 weeks before he was due to come home. He was 25 (i was 26).
9 years on and he still comes into my thoughts almost every day. We had been best friends from 7 years old. It does get easier as time passes, the aching for the lost life and friendship and times we should still be having doesn't go away. It's just easier to deal with.
I hope you get through this, it doesn't feel like things will change, i know. But they do.
But however bad it is for me, and his friends, for his family, his mum and dad, his sisters, his gran, it is a million times worse.
Grief never goes away but it does get easier to live with.
Condolences, OP.
First and foremost you are a human being who has only just lost someone you loved. Being a rugby playing bloke has nothing to do with it. You need to cry. It is a normal response to a tragic, painful situation.
There is no time limit attached to grief. Even years down the line you will still occasionally catch yourself crying about what has happened. That's all part of learning to deal with it.
Keep him alive by talking about him. Don't lose contact with his partner and child. Remember him and all your fantastic times with joy. You'll also have to grieve for what you have both lost. All the things in the future that you'll never share now. That's all part of grieving.
Most of all, be kind to yourself and don't think there is a right or a wrong way to behave. Just do what feels right.
I hope things start to feel slightly better soon. Big hugs. Xxxx
http://www.cruse.org.uk/
It was a year to the day last Monday (10 August) since my good friend died, he had lung cancer and was 44.:(
And it was 8 weeks yesterday since my dad died of a brain haemorrhage he was 78.:(
I'm coping but I miss them both.
It's ok to cry and I don't believe there is any set time period for grieving, everyone's different!
Grief - that's what you're doing now.
Absence - your friend's absence leaves an impact on your everyday life. You're probably struggling to adjust to these changes, which can make you keenly aware of his absence.
Morality - your friend was only 35, which has to be a shock to your system. This probably makes you acutely aware that anyone could go any time. It can be scary as hell.
Guilt - some people might feel guilty, especially when they feel the deceased person had more to lose. You mention that you're single and your friend had a 20-month-old and a partner. Knowing this may affect you in a way you didn't expect.
Unfortunately, all that are normal. It's something every person goes through when grieving. For most people, talking it out and time help. You should adopt the others' suggestions of seeking help from CRUSE or the like. My condolences.
You should definitely consider speaking to a grievance councillor. They are very helpful.