long post - friend thinks I am having an affair with her BF
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I've been friends with a girl for about 9-10 years. She is not in my closest circle, but someone I meet up with every couple months, it's always been like this. We text or talk on the phone at about the same rate. During our friendship, we've both had different relationships and she is now settled with someone and has had two kids. From knowing her, I know she can be very jealous and paranoid about her men - although this isn't a constant, more like something that pops up here and there and usually without merit.
If there is something coming up that looks like we'd all enjoy and is kid friendly, I tend to email both she and her boyfriend with the details. Usually she comes alone with the kids or they both do. She had her second baby toward the beginning of 2012, but went out of the UK for it. I was in contact and very happy for her, they sent pics etc. About a month after the baby was born, he text me and asked if I wanted to meet for a meal, which I did, a couple hours after work and that was it. Of course most of the conversation was around how things were going with the new baby and just life in general. Fast forward to this summer and I invited them both to a small event near us. They said yes and on the day, he text to confirm the time and I should add at this point, when I am meeting them, he is the one who does the texting to check arrival times, etc, so this wasn't unusual. I got there expecting them both, but it was just him and a couple guys from our mutual social group. She had apparently had to go back to her home country. I didn't think anything of it, a few of my friends came and we had a nice afternoon. He left first while the rest of us ended up on a spontaneous pub crawl.
In early September she rang and I said it had been too long, I'd not seen her in ages (not seen her since the baby was born) and she said 'you've seen my boyfriend more than me.' It had not been long since I had last seen him, but had completely forgotten about meeting him for dinner months ago. Something I should add, not long after I met up with him, my uncle died unexpectedly which was a shock. Even worse, a month later I went to visit my parents and my dad died unexpectedly while I was there (not exactly been a great year), my mind has been other places. When she said this, I stumbled a minute and said 'oh yes, I forgot I met him then, you know, a couple dates with your boyfriend, hahaha' As soon as I said it, I regretted it. I then said I had expected to see her in August when I saw him, I didn't know until I arrived she was away.
We met up that night and had a few drinks, I think she really appreciated a night away from the kids. I collected her from her house and when we got to the pub, she realized she forgot her phone, so asked to use mine to ring him, which she did in case he needed to reach her. While talking, she was telling me how frustrated she is, nothing unusual or unable to be dealt with, I'd say more like typical stress of parents with two young kids and careers. I listened and gave her a sympathetic ear. She told me their sex life was suffering and she was thinking about how great it would be to go home with someone else. I suggested that may sound good right now, but she'd have to consider the repercussions and would really only solve one problem but could potentially open up a host of others. I did my best to meet her where she was at with everything and just be a friend. At some point, he sent a text to my phone, which was sitting on the bar, asking her if she wanted pizza as he was about to order. I text him her reply (she asked me to when I offered she could do it) and I set the phone back down without closing it (it's an iPhone) so she could see there were a couple other short texts there between us. At this point, I noticed she was staring at the phone reading the other texts. What was visible were a couple very short and placid texts from the two times I met him in the year along the lines of 'see you at 130' and 'I'll be there in ten minutes.' She had a funny look on her face and I almost said she was welcome to look at the exchanges between us if she wanted, but I didn't. My mind was spinning at that moment as I was thinking by the look on her face that I think she is thinking there is something going on between he and I.
We had a good night and I text her the next day to say keep the spirits up, enjoyed seeing you, let's not leave it so long next time. No reply. I have since sent her check-in texts like we usually do, but she has not responded at all. On Facebook, the couple times I've commented on her updates, she writes return comments to everyone but me. It's all out of our usual pattern.
I have to say, I am not paranoid and don't tend to get too worked about many things, I stay sensible and stable. However, it just seems strange to me that she has gone so quiet and not even responded to my offers to meet up or watch the kids a couple hours.
Knowing her as I do, I really think she believes I am having an affair with her boyfriend. I'm in two minds - either call her and bring this up to reassure her and let her laugh at her own paranoia, what she usually does when she realizes she's being unreasonable. Or just to ring her and not even mention it - there's a part of me thinking whether bringing it up could make her think even more that I'm trying to cover my tracks. This has really been bothering me, so I will call her soon, just really stuck with which route to take. I have discussed this with a few friends who don't know her too well and no one has offered anything in terms of solutions, more like 'wow, sounds like she's being weird.' On that, decided to bring it here to see if anyone can offer some sensible advice. Thank you in advance and sorry for long post!
If there is something coming up that looks like we'd all enjoy and is kid friendly, I tend to email both she and her boyfriend with the details. Usually she comes alone with the kids or they both do. She had her second baby toward the beginning of 2012, but went out of the UK for it. I was in contact and very happy for her, they sent pics etc. About a month after the baby was born, he text me and asked if I wanted to meet for a meal, which I did, a couple hours after work and that was it. Of course most of the conversation was around how things were going with the new baby and just life in general. Fast forward to this summer and I invited them both to a small event near us. They said yes and on the day, he text to confirm the time and I should add at this point, when I am meeting them, he is the one who does the texting to check arrival times, etc, so this wasn't unusual. I got there expecting them both, but it was just him and a couple guys from our mutual social group. She had apparently had to go back to her home country. I didn't think anything of it, a few of my friends came and we had a nice afternoon. He left first while the rest of us ended up on a spontaneous pub crawl.
In early September she rang and I said it had been too long, I'd not seen her in ages (not seen her since the baby was born) and she said 'you've seen my boyfriend more than me.' It had not been long since I had last seen him, but had completely forgotten about meeting him for dinner months ago. Something I should add, not long after I met up with him, my uncle died unexpectedly which was a shock. Even worse, a month later I went to visit my parents and my dad died unexpectedly while I was there (not exactly been a great year), my mind has been other places. When she said this, I stumbled a minute and said 'oh yes, I forgot I met him then, you know, a couple dates with your boyfriend, hahaha' As soon as I said it, I regretted it. I then said I had expected to see her in August when I saw him, I didn't know until I arrived she was away.
We met up that night and had a few drinks, I think she really appreciated a night away from the kids. I collected her from her house and when we got to the pub, she realized she forgot her phone, so asked to use mine to ring him, which she did in case he needed to reach her. While talking, she was telling me how frustrated she is, nothing unusual or unable to be dealt with, I'd say more like typical stress of parents with two young kids and careers. I listened and gave her a sympathetic ear. She told me their sex life was suffering and she was thinking about how great it would be to go home with someone else. I suggested that may sound good right now, but she'd have to consider the repercussions and would really only solve one problem but could potentially open up a host of others. I did my best to meet her where she was at with everything and just be a friend. At some point, he sent a text to my phone, which was sitting on the bar, asking her if she wanted pizza as he was about to order. I text him her reply (she asked me to when I offered she could do it) and I set the phone back down without closing it (it's an iPhone) so she could see there were a couple other short texts there between us. At this point, I noticed she was staring at the phone reading the other texts. What was visible were a couple very short and placid texts from the two times I met him in the year along the lines of 'see you at 130' and 'I'll be there in ten minutes.' She had a funny look on her face and I almost said she was welcome to look at the exchanges between us if she wanted, but I didn't. My mind was spinning at that moment as I was thinking by the look on her face that I think she is thinking there is something going on between he and I.
We had a good night and I text her the next day to say keep the spirits up, enjoyed seeing you, let's not leave it so long next time. No reply. I have since sent her check-in texts like we usually do, but she has not responded at all. On Facebook, the couple times I've commented on her updates, she writes return comments to everyone but me. It's all out of our usual pattern.
I have to say, I am not paranoid and don't tend to get too worked about many things, I stay sensible and stable. However, it just seems strange to me that she has gone so quiet and not even responded to my offers to meet up or watch the kids a couple hours.
Knowing her as I do, I really think she believes I am having an affair with her boyfriend. I'm in two minds - either call her and bring this up to reassure her and let her laugh at her own paranoia, what she usually does when she realizes she's being unreasonable. Or just to ring her and not even mention it - there's a part of me thinking whether bringing it up could make her think even more that I'm trying to cover my tracks. This has really been bothering me, so I will call her soon, just really stuck with which route to take. I have discussed this with a few friends who don't know her too well and no one has offered anything in terms of solutions, more like 'wow, sounds like she's being weird.' On that, decided to bring it here to see if anyone can offer some sensible advice. Thank you in advance and sorry for long post!
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Comments
Phone her, talk to her, leave facebook and texting, written words can always be misinterpreted. see if you can meet for a coffee and talk things through. Don't lose a friend through a misunderstanding.
That's what I was thinking.
And also, if the texts were old, why has the OP kept them since they are unimportant?
Does anyone really go and delete old messages these days??
I don't delete any of my texts, whats the point.
Sure - what's the point of cluttering up your phone with 'bring home some milk' etc
And how odd that these old messages happened to be visible for the OPs friend to see.
Phones have enough memory now that you don't need to delete old messages, and most people don't bother. It's not like in the old days where your inbox got full after 20 messages!
I don't think you're being fair to the OP. The friend asked her to text her boyfriend and OP was open and honest enough to leave her phone out for her friend to see. The messages that were seen were old; it's not like the friend realised they'd been madly texting everyday behind her back!
Am I being unfair to the OP? I don't think so - I'm merely puzzled that she would leave the phone open for her friend to see the text that the friend had asked her to send. And lo and behold, these ancient old messages happened to be at the top of the screen. Unless the friend was allowed to scroll down the entire list of text? But why...?
Iphone's show the texts as a conversation. If the OP had not sent any other texts to this guy then the old texts will be visible as the new text just carries on the conversation.
Ah, I see! Thank you. Perhaps I was unfair to the OP after all. Apologies.
It has already been stated that they are not the closest of friends, they they hadn't been in contact for months, that the friend has a new baby to distract them and so on.
Thsi is someone who the OP seems to have drifting into meeting once or twice a year, perhaps the friend has drifted even further? Friendships come and go, people move on, life's changed. Perhaps the last time they met they found they had nothing in common to talk about, perhaps it was a really stilted and awkward meeting?
Now the OP is telling her other friends (and us) that "Knowing her as I do, I really think she believes I am having an affair with her boyfriend" and everyone is going "Well that's just wierd, why would she think that, she's got a problem" and it may be nothing of the sort.
Sounds like you are suddenly contacting her more, out of your own need to resolve the "misunderstanding". She might be finding that a bit weird if the texts actually had no impact on her.
It seems like a misunderstanding to me and I think you should approach your friend and explain that there's nothing to worry about. She probably assumed that the texts she saw were recent and let her imagination get away with her.
Thanks for this - it's along what I was thinking but was needing some reassurance. As she was basically saying she has been thinking about shagging someone else, I kind of figured it's within her thinking he may be wanting to as well, or already doing it. It didn't help when I
To other posters who have responded - the reason we physically saw each other less this year was that she had her baby in the country she is from and has spent more time there than here. I was also away for a chunk of time when my father passed, and when we did try to hook up in summer, just couldn't get it right - one or the other busy.
As for having a meal with him, it was because she had bought a living social thing and it was going to expire, plus I happen to work near the restaurant. I had helped out with his ailing mother while they were away so he offered to do this as a nice gesture. I assumed that night she knew we were meeting up, and she did tell me he told her the next day.
I have certainly not been bombarding her with texts nor changed my pattern. I have sent her two, the night after we went out and one about 10 days ago. My first thought after that night was not to worry about it, figuring she may ask him about it, he'd say no and that would be that.
Her looking at the phone was not normal glancing, it was in a craning the neck way with her eyes down and her head up, trying to be subtle. Then she looked distant and was just sort of staring off as if there was something ticking away in her head. I really regret not saying something there and then. I am not afraid of this sort of conversation, just for whatever reason I didn't.
Anyway, just writing this today and some of the responses have made me feel less worried, especially after seeing how explainable and reasonable everything is. She and I both have birthdays upcoming, so think I will wait till then to get in contact again and not going to say anything about all this. If she brings anything up, I will address it, otherwise, there's nothing there to worry about!
Thank you