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Getting over someone
iSupposeSo
Posts: 89 Forum Member
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Cannot believe I'm having to resort to DS for some guidance but hey here I am!
Long story but I got 'dumped' about 4 months ago by someone I really love (first love, but I never told him I did), I always knew it was never going to last forever as it was a bit clandestine and his kids/family never knew about me but I kept carrying on and it was really making me happy at the time. I thought we were getting closer too, and when he finished it, if I'm honest it was a bit of a shock and I thought we'd probably end up hooking up again after a while... Anyway, it has absolutely destroyed me now I can see that this really is it and I don't know how to move forward. (In case it's unclear from previous sentence he was single, just his kids didn't know about me). Basically I feel such a fool, he told me the whole 'we'll stay friends' thing, which I am trying but it's usually me that wants to speak to him, rarely the other way round. We've met up a couple of times since the split as mates and it was fine but I suspected from the beginning that he was just saying it to appease his guilt and still do, I was weak and went along with it.
I can see in my logical head that this will go away one day, I will meet someone else blah blah blah but I just need some way of moving forward. The obvious thing I know is to stop talking to him but this is complicated by the fact that we do also work together. I keep telling myself to stop it but I keep caving all time because I'm so scared of losing him all together. It could be done as we don't work directly together and I probably just see him in passing maybe twice a week and don't necessarily have to talk to him.
I have no one I can talk to about all of this. I don't know whether to try and meet up with him, put my cards on the table, tell him I love him then tell him that we can't be friends anymore and cut him off. We had a long chat a few days after he broke up with me and I tried to make that the cut off point but I am struggling so much. I think in hindsight I should have been angry with him and truly let him know how I felt rather than trying to keep the peace.
Anyone in my life would have no idea of how I'm feeling. I live alone and keep spending the whole weekend just away indoors. I now I need to move on now but need some suggestions!! Please be kind, I know that I'm being weak. Going back a few years ago I'd have told anyone in my position they were stupid and idiotic, I never knew I'd feel like this or let myself become like this over a guy.
Long story but I got 'dumped' about 4 months ago by someone I really love (first love, but I never told him I did), I always knew it was never going to last forever as it was a bit clandestine and his kids/family never knew about me but I kept carrying on and it was really making me happy at the time. I thought we were getting closer too, and when he finished it, if I'm honest it was a bit of a shock and I thought we'd probably end up hooking up again after a while... Anyway, it has absolutely destroyed me now I can see that this really is it and I don't know how to move forward. (In case it's unclear from previous sentence he was single, just his kids didn't know about me). Basically I feel such a fool, he told me the whole 'we'll stay friends' thing, which I am trying but it's usually me that wants to speak to him, rarely the other way round. We've met up a couple of times since the split as mates and it was fine but I suspected from the beginning that he was just saying it to appease his guilt and still do, I was weak and went along with it.
I can see in my logical head that this will go away one day, I will meet someone else blah blah blah but I just need some way of moving forward. The obvious thing I know is to stop talking to him but this is complicated by the fact that we do also work together. I keep telling myself to stop it but I keep caving all time because I'm so scared of losing him all together. It could be done as we don't work directly together and I probably just see him in passing maybe twice a week and don't necessarily have to talk to him.
I have no one I can talk to about all of this. I don't know whether to try and meet up with him, put my cards on the table, tell him I love him then tell him that we can't be friends anymore and cut him off. We had a long chat a few days after he broke up with me and I tried to make that the cut off point but I am struggling so much. I think in hindsight I should have been angry with him and truly let him know how I felt rather than trying to keep the peace.
Anyone in my life would have no idea of how I'm feeling. I live alone and keep spending the whole weekend just away indoors. I now I need to move on now but need some suggestions!! Please be kind, I know that I'm being weak. Going back a few years ago I'd have told anyone in my position they were stupid and idiotic, I never knew I'd feel like this or let myself become like this over a guy.
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After I was blocked I threw myself into life again, I saw those friends I'd hid from for two months, play sport every night of the week. I meet a lot of new people through the sports I wouldn't normally have encountered. I do things for me now. I still have days where I hate the world, think of ways for her to notice me and want to talk to her...but now it's less and less and my mind is spent concentrating on what I'm going to do next. Like I've booked a holiday with my friends and fly on her birthday. Which is good as I won't be at home thinking about it!
The biggest mistake I made was going on a date on Friday, I thought I was fine because I had been doing all these things. But I wasn't, I cut the date short and realised I need to spend my days with happy positive things I enjoy doing rather than trying to find a replacement for my ex.
My advice would be just chuck yourself into things, sports, MeetUp, see friends, do things for yourself. When I'm doing that the thoughts go and I'm really happy! Allow yourself to be sad but not for it to consume you...and most of all, you'll know when you're ready to date again
Thanks. That bit is particularly interesting to me ^ as I went and did some online dating quite quickly after we split and kept in contact with one guy, he keeps pushing for a date but I know I'm not ready yet so this kind of confirms it for me. Like you I think I was looking for someone to replace him and I guess a bit of affirmation that there was someone else out there, which isn't at all the right reasons. Hope things get better for you soon.
I agree that ignoring the ex is for the best,it's hard to have to change and suddenly try and forget people you've been close to. I try not to think about exes as it irritates me so distractions are always good things. Hobbies,going out and taking new interests in things have helped me in the long term.
When my thoughts get too much my friend always said to think that I'm only hurting myself by thinking about it! And I try and stop. Instead of writing draft e-mails I'd love to send on my lunch break, now I'm shopping for new sports stuff to look good at sessions and feel happier. It's when you're on your own with your thoughts it's the worst. So yeah, completely agree to just do as much as possible.
Once you cease contact (I also mean contact via social media including being facebook friends) you may see a massive change in how you're feeling. It isn't easy, but well worth it in the long run
You say that and for me it's awful right now! It's been four weeks, my phone number is blocked, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram are all gone but it still doesn't stop me thinking it's been done because she's met somebody else and I actually drive myself mental with the thoughts!
That is when I'm on my own of course or I don't have something to occupy my mind. It is getting better, but very slowly. She's still all I think about when I have too much time on my hands but I don't know, it's not in a weird way just a remembering things randomly type of way.
Cheers. He doesn't 'do' social media so that does help! I know that I do feel better when I don't speak with him but then I cave when feeling lonely. It is getting better, I suppose I'm just impatient to get it off my mind and move on. It is complicated by us being colleagues though, means I see him on a regular basis whether I like it or not.
You've had it forced upon you though. If you had blocked her, it would be a different story.
Honestly, you will feel so much better. You can't help being colleagues but you don't need any contact outside of anything work related.
My ex thoroughly broke my heart. I was a mess. I thrived off the contact - I would find anything to call/text about. We lived together too and he worked shifts, I'd find myself waiting up later than normal or waking up earlier than normal. In the end I grew sick of myself. I told him he had 2 days to get out, I deleted him from fb, deleted his number etc and started to feel more human every contactless day that passed
Thanks. I know you're right. I've not spoken to him in a few days. Bumped into him just in passing this morning and it just screws with my feelings when I just say hi let alone think about stuff! Am feeling better after meeting friends at the weekend and just being out means you see life beyond the past...if that makes any sense at all?!
Think it will take me a lot longer to get properly over him if I'm honest BUT I can see the light a bit more now. Just need to get rid of a few reminders I have (gifts bought etc) but am getting there!
I was coping fine with the break up until I realised I'd lost my best friend, and social life. Horrible thing is I work with him so still have to see him. I've been off work 2 weeks and it has helped not seeing him.
Even though I know he isn't going to change I still think about asking if he wants to get back together, and have to keep listing the reasons for us splitting, to stop me thinking about it.
That sounds awful, must be really tough having been engaged too. I take solace in the fact that for me it wasn't anywhere near serious as that, it was actually very casual (not that the feelings were). I think that's what I find tough too, he was my best friend, always the one I would want to speak to if something great or something awful happened and now I've lost that. Hope things work out for you
my 7 and a half year relationship split last June and for 2 months we had contact - and I got no better
really even at your low points NO CONTACT.
no contact gets you to rely on yourself again. be yourself again. and not knowing anything about their life is important - or you tie yourself in knots about it
This is a biggie. Any snippet of information will have you making up fairy stories about how happy they are and living a wonderful life without you. Its enough to drive you crazy.
That is so true! I have it in my head right now that my ex has a fantastic new life without me because my phone number is blocked. Even when we had a query from our old landlord this week, she contacted my Mum rather than me and won't even reply to an e-mail being perfectly reasonable. So the only conclusion I jump to is she actually hates me or has met someone else.
Anyway, definitely no social media. I'm so thankful we don't have that problem. I guess she could see my Twitter or Instagram as it isn't private but I have no way to see hers - which is definitely a good thing!
Yeah, I get that. Fortunately he doesn't do social media so it's not like I'd see things that way. Get scared of hearing something off someone at work though, as that could happen. That said, it is getting that bit easier each day. I know that it's all for the best, I'm just focusing on getting through this period of adjustment now.