My wife and my mum no longer on speaking terms
I am in a bit of a situation with my wife and my mother, and I don’t know how best to resolve it, or even if I can.
My wife has decided that she no longer wishes to have anything to do with my mum because my mum, who is divorced and lives alone, hasn’t really bothered to be involved over the last twelve months or so with our two young children, but spends a lot of time looking after my brother’s children, who are similar in age to ours.
My wife’s parents are very hands on and helpful with our children when we need them to. My mum does not really make the effort to see ours, have them over, look after them etc. nor does she offer.
However. There are some (I think) valid reasons for my mum’s lack of involvement, which are:-
1. My gran (my mum’s mum) died last year and this caused my mum, I think, to become a bit depressed, and have some mental health problems with her memory etc
2. My brother’s wife has no family nearby, so my mum steps in to be involved and help them out a bit more than she does us, as my wife’s family are nearby.
3. My mum is (mildly) disabled following injury in her youth, and complains of pain to her legs which she says makes looking after two boisterous boys, one with Asperger's, difficult.
My wife seems to disregard these reasons however because it irritates her when she looks on Facebook and sees posts from my mum, or my brother’s wife saying how she has been out for the day with their children, or has had them staying over etc
My wife just says things like “I’m done with her, she does nothing for these two. If it wasn’t for my mum and dad, we’d really struggle” and "Her legs weren't hurting when she was seen pushing (my brother's youngest) around town in the pram the other day"
Obviously, I’m caught in the middle of this now. I see my wife’s point of view, and up until a few weeks ago, when she told my mum what she thought, they got along fine. My wife is quite stubborn though once she has made her mind up about something.
Now we have this situation where my mum is crying all the time about it and it kind of compounds her loneliness that she is divorced, her mum is dead, and she is left feeling that she is no longer welcome at our house. I have to support my wife's decision, but I do feel sorry for my mum at the same time because of the above.
Any suggestions?
My wife has decided that she no longer wishes to have anything to do with my mum because my mum, who is divorced and lives alone, hasn’t really bothered to be involved over the last twelve months or so with our two young children, but spends a lot of time looking after my brother’s children, who are similar in age to ours.
My wife’s parents are very hands on and helpful with our children when we need them to. My mum does not really make the effort to see ours, have them over, look after them etc. nor does she offer.
However. There are some (I think) valid reasons for my mum’s lack of involvement, which are:-
1. My gran (my mum’s mum) died last year and this caused my mum, I think, to become a bit depressed, and have some mental health problems with her memory etc
2. My brother’s wife has no family nearby, so my mum steps in to be involved and help them out a bit more than she does us, as my wife’s family are nearby.
3. My mum is (mildly) disabled following injury in her youth, and complains of pain to her legs which she says makes looking after two boisterous boys, one with Asperger's, difficult.
My wife seems to disregard these reasons however because it irritates her when she looks on Facebook and sees posts from my mum, or my brother’s wife saying how she has been out for the day with their children, or has had them staying over etc
My wife just says things like “I’m done with her, she does nothing for these two. If it wasn’t for my mum and dad, we’d really struggle” and "Her legs weren't hurting when she was seen pushing (my brother's youngest) around town in the pram the other day"
Obviously, I’m caught in the middle of this now. I see my wife’s point of view, and up until a few weeks ago, when she told my mum what she thought, they got along fine. My wife is quite stubborn though once she has made her mind up about something.
Now we have this situation where my mum is crying all the time about it and it kind of compounds her loneliness that she is divorced, her mum is dead, and she is left feeling that she is no longer welcome at our house. I have to support my wife's decision, but I do feel sorry for my mum at the same time because of the above.
Any suggestions?
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Comments
She is out of order to distance herself and your kids from their Grandma.
I feel for you as you will try to keep both women happy, but probably not succeed in either of them being happy.
She is your Mum, the kids Grandmother, she should not be excluded by your wife just for the reasons stated.
I wish you well in sorting this family issue out.
Thanks, it's a tricky one. I get where my wife is coming from, but I don't think my mum deserves this cold shoulder treatment, which is really upsetting her. I get that my wife's parents take more of the burden, but my wife doesn't seem to want to accept my mum having had some mental health difficulties. This came to a head a couple of months back when my mum forgot to go to a performance at school to watch one of the children. My son was upset and my wife became furious.
Arrange to get them together say at a pub and then you take the children to play while they talk...
They both love you so they need to sort this out.... Being selfish isn't the answer so your wife needs to be reasonable! But then your mum needs to understand how she feels
I know. I'll have to try something. Thanks.
What is she like at Christmas and birthdays is she fair or does the special treatment of the other children carry on there? The relationship you have with your wife and children should come first as they are your primary family. I think I would not want to put my children through being treated as second best.
I work hard to support my children and grandchildren emotionally and they all have other grandparents too but because your wife parents help out does not mean your mum does not have to bother with your children.
I know its so hard being in the middle of two people you love but you need to accept that using excuses for your mum when she seems perfectly able to maintain a relationship with her other grandchildren will really upset your wife.
I would arrange for your Mum to spend time with your family. No babysitting, nothing which will cause her legs to hurt - just spending time as a family. Your wife will get to see Grandma having a good time with the children, your Mum will feel less lonely as she's part of family activity, and hopefully if this is a regular event, your Mum will start feeling able to drop in to your home and play a greater roll in her grandchildren's lives.
Your Mum can look after her grandkids without it being too physically demanding. She could pop round and look after them for an hour while you go out shopping, or if your wife has an appointment. Short periods, but important chances to spend time with her grandkids. And your wife should welcome any involvement her MIL feels able to have, for the family's sake.
The posters who suggest that my mum doesn't have to do anything strenuous are absolutely right. The problem is now that my wife feels that she gave my mum a chance to put things right when it came to a head a couple of months back, but my mum, typically, instead of taking the comments from my wife on board, just played the persecuted victim and started crying, and kept away even more! She doesn't take too kindly to any kind of criticism, and thus became even more estranged. Now she seems to want to try and make amends, but my wife has just had enough and says she doesn't wish to speak with her any more.
I just feel like I'm in the middle of two squabbling kids who were once friends but have fallen out, and it's a strain.
I mean how much 'helping out' are we talking about?
I think your wife is being rather harsh. How would she feel if your mother had made the complaint that she feels left out as the kids see more of their other grandparents.
To me the crux of it is this: your wife has her folks and SIL doesn't.
My MIL spends a lot more time with my SIL and her kids - my SIL lost her mother a few years back, I thankfully still have my Mum. Also my SIL has been around for years longer than I have and they have a genuinely deep relationship. I have no envy of this, my MIL is fab and there is more than enough love to go around. I have never felt my MIL favours the other grandkids. It's quite a petty attitude really.
I think your wife needs to calm down and really assess the situation here.
She now is trying to fix a problem she created and make herself look good. I do not think this is about you as a family wanting childcare but for your children to have a relationship with the grandparent
.I do not knowif this can be fixed but perhaps an honest look back in your family will uncovert other times your mum has behaved like this and everyone has just accepted it to keep the peace. I think your wif just has given up keping the peace as it is to the detriment of your children.
On reading the OP though it appears it's not just "help" that the mother is not doing. The OP said she's having hardly any involvement with the kids even just seeing them.
That is a very good suggestion.
I really feel for you, OP: you can see both points of view but have to liv with one of them! Apparent favouritism to one set of grandchildren is always a hot potato.
As a side issue, and not directed at you: We brought up our kids without any assistance from our parents whatsoever and just got on with it. Visits were largely made to our two sets of parents, with them occasionally coming to stay with us. I've never really been into the "entitlement" thing where grandparents are seen automatically as childcarers - and I too have a child with autism, as well as another with ADHD.
As a grandparent my loves elastic and I do have different relationships with different children but I am there for them all. I try to loving and fair. No matter how hard your wife's parents work as the boys grow up they will sense the difference and they will feel the hurt.
This is a rather interesting point.
Maybe the OP can clarify how old all the kids are and what the involvement was before (he said it has been in the past 12 months so prior to that was granny involved a lot more? or has she always been a bit distanced). Is physical distance an issue? IE does granny live closer to the other kids?
Upon reading the first post back maybe I was a little harsh on the OP's wife.
Could it be a case of granny doing too much for the other grandkids that she is too tired for the OP's children?
It is a bit of a weird one and now reading back that it isn't just about the "help" I am a little more sympathetic to the OP's wife.
It does sound that way, and it's unfair on you and the children to be caught in between their squabbling. In your position I would suggest to both parties that a line needs to be drawn. Forget what has been said, start again and arrange a family day out where the children are the focus. Try to create a situation where everybody can come together and have agreed to have a 'fresh start' - no bitching, sniping or arguing about what has been. Your MIL and wife don't have to like one another, but they need to be civil - and if they turn it into a slanging match remind them how selfish they are being, and the children deserve better than to be caught up in their petty squabbles.
If your wife agrees to another chance and your MIL still plays the aggrieved victim card, then it's sad that she will miss out on time with her grandchildren - but at least your wife cannot then be accused of keeping her kids from their grandmother.
I say those things because your message sounds as though you are asking for help and you know the situation, and the reality is that you might not really know.
Blatantly sexist thing coming up. Bear in mind that Freud said that men are motivated by ambition, and women are motivated by envy. Your wife might have envy about your brother's wife which she takes out on your mum.
Anyway, to just offer straight advice, I will say that you say to your wife at the right moment that these family things are likely to fester for a long time, and you really would like a bit of improvement between her and mum. She is likely to give it rather short shrift, but don't argue, just let it sink in and perhaps over a little while will relax over it a little.
Out it curiosity what did your wife say to your mum about it (you mentioned it came to a head recently) and what was your mum's direct reaction?
I might be way off the mark here, but I can't help feeling your wife is using this as an excuse to distance herself from your mum. Just a thought.