Everybody's child is different, everybody's coping mechanisms are different and everybody's experience of parenthood is different so I think it's unfair to judge other people just because they don't have the same positive views on parenthood as other people.
Whilst i think wizard is too negative i do see his point.
I only know one couple my age with a child and their lives are completely different with their child.
Like wizard the woman was hell bent on having a child but the man didnt want any but eventually caved in. Now hes confessed to his friends that he not only regrets having the child but also marrying his wife.
For them once the baby was born they led a traditional life for the first few months. He got up at 6 for work and she stayed home looking after the baby. Completely ruined them. He was getting hardly any sleep as they were both doing night feeds and changes, then he was at work at day and when he got home they would argue because she was fed up of looking after the baby all day so expected him to take over so she could rest, but he was shattered and just wanted sleep. Cue non stop arguments and resentments.
Now hes awful to look at. His friends are worried about him as hes lost so much weight he looks ill. His hair is falling out and his complexion is completely different. He looks like hes at least in his 40s and the child isnt even a year old yet.
The other week they went out with the baby and friends and the baby started crying, the wifes immediate reaction was that she was so embarassed by the baby that she made the husband take him outside for a push round town to calm him down because she didnt want to miss out on socialising even though they were the mans friends!
The whole thing for them is a bit of a sham. Hes struggling physically and emotionally and so is she. While he is honest with his friends that he misses his old life and misses hanging out with the lads, she is hell bent on trying for another baby!
I suppose thats the difference between people. They both love the child but he recognises that it was too soon for them and he regrets moving so fast and essentially missing out on his life. Shes experiencing thr same stresses but rather than open up, she pretends life is perfect and wants another child soon.
I suppose if wizard didnt want kids, and made it clear then hes entitled to feel a bit peeved that his wife skipped her pills to become pregnant. Its one of those things that you have to be certain you want. Obviously his wife was the one who wanted the child so she probably does see it differently. Its not the kind of thing you want to admit but i can see why he thinks life was easier before.
Whilst i think wizard is too negative i do see his point.
(snip)
I suppose if wizard didnt want kids, and made it clear then hes entitled to feel a bit peeved that his wife skipped her pills to become pregnant. Its one of those things that you have to be certain you want. Obviously his wife was the one who wanted the child so she probably does see it differently. Its not the kind of thing you want to admit but i can see why he thinks life was easier before.
Thank you for at least trying to see things from where I'm coming from and you haven't just labelled me a bad father who hates his son.
I love him with all the world and wouldn't do without him now and we have some lovely times together but sadly the tantrums, arguments and stresses far outweigh those golden moments so yes, I have every reason to say that my life was better before. I made it clear when I met my wife that I wasn't paternal and she said it didn't matter as it was too soon in the relationship to worry about all that but did say she wanted kids "one day" but it was always like "Yeah maybe sometime in the future but not now" and I always tried to steer away the conversation. Then all of a sudden she was pushing towards 30 and she started to turn up the heat on me. I caved in and agreed but said we'd wait until after we were married, again trying to hold it off and avoid the subject but approx 5 months before the big day she got caught out and all of a sudden we had a wedding to sort out whilst getting to grips with being a parent which I wasn't prepared for and on top of all this I'm a carer for my disabled wife and my son has inherited her disability so I felt I had a lot on my plate to deal with.
I suffer with my mental health, have had 2 nervous breakdowns and numerous attempted suicides from stress and chronic depression but I have to try to keep strong for everybody but sometimes it's all too much for me to cope with when things get stressful. I have no energy and feel permanently mentally exhausted and drained of any emotion and as a couple were permanently having a go at each other. As a result we've ended up having to undergo marriage guidance to help with the strain it's put on our relationship. I realise my own health is a major factor but having a child has made this a lot worse.
Ok wizard, do you think that if you were paternal in the first place you wouldnt be feeling as you are?
I guess if a man really wants a child, like the op here, then they would be able to see past the negatives. Likewise if a woman wants a baby she would do the same. I guess to a certain extent even women who dont plan children have nine months of the baby growing inside them, along with the hormonal changes that allow them to bond with the baby. Even if they werent overly maternal they would be more likely to have a stronger bond with an unplanned baby than a father would who wouldnt really experience the pregnancy in the same way.
I suppose its something only the person living it would understand. You love your child but at the same time you are able to acknowledge that you were happier and more content without the child. Personally i think its better to be honest rather than pretend that you are happy.
Although maybe some professional help with your depression/anxiety would help you see the positives more.
I do think sometimes you say things which do come across very badly, but i can understand the frustration. To a certain point you remind me of my friend who has confessed that he is struggling but has to keep up appearances for his family.
Ok wizard, do you think that if you were paternal in the first place you wouldnt be feeling as you are?
Perhaps. I don't know because my own poor state of health was present prior to becoming a parent so that has to be factored in but parenting is never as easy or straight forward as you think it's gonna be. Before hand I just thought it was a case of putting them to bed, feeding them and changing a few nappies. Nothing could possibly prepare you for exactly how mentally and physically exhausting and time consuming it is.
I did say to my wife (fiancée at the time) that maybe it wasn't a good idea to think about having kids while I was suffering from stress, depression and anxiety but she just said, "no time is a good time for you is it? and decided hook or by crook she was going to have one before she was 30 regardless of what I wanted even though by this time I had kind of caved in and agreed so long as we left it till after the honeymoon period. She's right though. No time would have been a good time if it was left to me as I would always have been trying to put it off.
Everybody's child is different, everybody's coping mechanisms are different and everybody's experience of parenthood is different so I think it's unfair to judge other people just because they don't have the same positive views on parenthood as other people. I am indeed speaking for myself and I think it's unfair to suggest I'm a bad person who doesn't love my son just because my life was easier and I was a happier person before I became a father. It's just a fact which I can't change and nor did I know what parenthood was gonna be like before hand.
Believe me I wish I could cope with it better and it doesn't help with me having depression and anxiety and I hope that in time I will find it easier to cope with so hopefully I can be as happy as I was when I was single but right now I just look back and feel that I was a happier and more calm and relaxed person before I became a dad and I believe the reasons are to do with stress, lack of sleep, lack of time to ourselves, constant arguments and the constant battles we have with our son whenever we try to get him to do anything and the general strain it's put on our marriage. Every day my head is just spinning with frustration and I'm constantly so run down that I'm forever I'll with colds and chest infections so please excuse me if I don't agree that parenting is mostly a positive experience because that's not how I feel and I can't help that.
I haven't said any of the BIB.
I was simply pointing out that what you wrote is solely your experience with your child. All children and all parents are different, just because your life with your child is like that it doesn't mean that that is how parenthood is for everyone.
As I said earlier in the thread, I just think you focus too much on the negatives instead of the positives.
I was just pointing out that what you wrote is solely your experience with your child. All children and all parents are different, just because your life with your child is like that it doesn't mean that that is how parenthood is for everyone.
As I said earlier in the thread, I think you focus too much on the negatives instead of the positives.
Apologies if you've misunderstood me. I was talking about what other people have said and how people shouldn't just judge. Although I was replying to you, that bit wasn't aimed at you personally.
Because my wife was hell bent on wanting kids so she came off the pill and got caught out. He was unplanned. We were only 5 months off getting married. Even now she harps on about wanting another child even though she's aware I struggle to cope as it is but I've said definitely not. I couldn't physically cope with another child with having mental health problems, stress and anxiety issues and it would mean a whole lot of upheaval and extra expense and not to mention more stress and sleepless nights and a bigger strain on our already strained relationship.
As he's getting older I'm starting to find parenting a lot easier but the first few years are just filled with stress and constant exhaustion but there's still the constant tantrums and arguments and strain between us and lack of time to ourselves and as a result my depression has got worse over the last few years and I've found it difficult to cope with to the point that I've even felt suicidal.
I'm very sorry if people on here don't like honesty but parenting so far at least has been a case of the negatives outweighing the positives rather than the other way around. Yes there are many happy times with my son and I love them all but sadly the tears, the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the lack of freedom, the stress, my depression and anxiety, and arguments between us and the strain on our relationship all outweigh the joys of being a parent.
Like I say it's not as if you know what to expect before you become a parent as everybody only tells you the positives and you don't get to try it out before hand to see if you're gonna take to it and I love my wife so much that letting her go was never an option. I just have to do the best I can and try to be the best dad I can but that doesn't mean I don't have times when I feel weighed down and overwhelmed by it all.
What a very sad post . Not just for you but for your child .I feel for you both as it certainely is not my experience or that of those around me
Speak for yourself... My experience of being a parent is nothing like what you've described, and none of my friends have it as bad as you make out like you do with their kids either.
I think with anything you will have the people who think parenthood is great or will at least tell people it's great whilst glossing over all the negatives (the sleepless nights, the worry, the tantrums, the loss of your own freedom, having to do stuff suitable for children). All Wizard is doing is putting across the negatives that many people seem to pretend don't exist.
I think with anything you will have the people who think parenthood is great or will at least tell people it's great whilst glossing over all the negatives (the sleepless nights, the worry, the tantrums, the loss of your own freedom, having to do stuff suitable for children). All Wizard is doing is putting across the negatives that many people seem to pretend don't exist.
While forgetting to mention positives and proclaiming the negatives outweigh the positives
Very sad
I think with anything you will have the people who think parenthood is great or will at least tell people it's great whilst glossing over all the negatives (the sleepless nights, the worry, the tantrums, the loss of your own freedom, having to do stuff suitable for children). All Wizard is doing is putting across the negatives that many people seem to pretend don't exist.
Its not about pretending the negatives don't exist... It's about putting them into context along with the positives.
And now that my kids are at school all day, they come home and we have a few hours together before they go to bed and sleep straight through to the morning... I miss the cuddles in the middle of the night, the sleepy late night conversations and the waking up to their faces next to me from when they didn't sleep through.
As for having to do stuff suitable for children, again it is what you make it, you can choose to see it as restrictive and a loss of freedom or you can choose to enjoy it and to enjoy the experiences and memories you're creating & sharing with your children.
And if Wizard was putting a balanced view of parenting across it would be different, but every post I've ever read from him about his son has been totally negative.
Because my wife was hell bent on wanting kids so she came off the pill and got caught out. He was unplanned. We were only 5 months off getting married. Even now she harps on about wanting another child even though she's aware I struggle to cope as it is but I've said definitely not. I couldn't physically cope with another child with having mental health problems, stress and anxiety issues and it would mean a whole lot of upheaval and extra expense and not to mention more stress and sleepless nights and a bigger strain on our already strained relationship.
As he's getting older I'm starting to find parenting a lot easier but the first few years are just filled with stress and constant exhaustion but there's still the constant tantrums and arguments and strain between us and lack of time to ourselves and as a result my depression has got worse over the last few years and I've found it difficult to cope with to the point that I've even felt suicidal.
I'm very sorry if people on here don't like honesty but parenting so far at least has been a case of the negatives outweighing the positives rather than the other way around. Yes there are many happy times with my son and I love them all but sadly the tears, the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the lack of freedom, the stress, my depression and anxiety, and arguments between us and the strain on our relationship all outweigh the joys of being a parent.
Like I say it's not as if you know what to expect before you become a parent as everybody only tells you the positives and you don't get to try it out before hand to see if you're gonna take to it and I love my wife so much that letting her go was never an option. I just have to do the best I can and try to be the best dad I can but that doesn't mean I don't have times when I feel weighed down and overwhelmed by it all.
Most blokes you will speak to don't really enjoy the early years, but once they develop into active little kids with their own likes and dislikes, personalities and interests, they become quite fun to have around. It's the small things that make me smile, like overhearing them tell their friends some tall tale I have told them, repeating it earnestly as if it's like, really true. Or seeing them for the first time in a school play. You don't get to see them at school, so when they are there suddenly with their own little mates, and singing and acting - you think "WTF? My kid can sing? Who knew?" Or you'll go in their class and there's a picture they have drawn of you with "My dad" written on it. They hang on every word you say, and to them you're like Batman, Superman, James Bond and Hulk Hogan all rolled into one, even if you're a fat, balding, bespectacled office worker.
It's a privilege to be a parent, and I enjoyed it more when I remembered that I've had my time, now it's their time, and I set about making their childhood as happy as mine was.
Exactly. And why do you think everybody says this? Why should couples do all the things they want to do and enjoy themselves before having kids? It's because once you have kids you can kiss goodbye to holidays for the first few years and when you do eventually get to have one it's nothing but stress trying to cope with getting stroppy toddlers through an airport whilst trying to manage a pushchair and a load of cases as they're kicking off because they just want to run about and then they wont sit still on the plane and get tired and restless and start playing up. By the time you get to your destination you need rehab not a holiday.
You can kiss goodbye to your freedom and your mates and your social life because you won't get time to see them. Or those romantic meals for two are a thing if the past unless you can find a cheap reliable babysitter. Forget about peace and quiet nights to yourself because they'll be disturbed. Kiss goodbye to a decent nights sleep for the next few years and be prepared for day after day of feeling tired, niggley, frustrated and uptight and stressed out due to.not getting enough sleep. Getting woken up several times in the night and then up at 6am and not having a minutes peace to yourself until the time they go to bed again which is a fight in itself. Trying to get them dressed for bed, brushing their teeth and getting them into bed when all they want to do is run around and scream and play you up. 10 minutes into settling down for the night they're up again saying they can't sleep and by the time you've got them settled and had your tea in peace you've just about got 2 hours to yourself watch some tv before it's time to go to bed when you have another sleepless night to look forward to.
People never tell you this though. They only tell you the positives. Apparently they call this the joys of parenting. If these are the joys I hate to think what the negatives are.
See in recent posting history I can remember you posting that you get out two or three nights a week for a drink. Which is more than most people manage. You have had numerous holidays also so you can't think that is too stressful not to do it again. And maybe you should think about setting a strict routine for your son if you are still having sleepless nights. I think your negativity reflects back to your son, it must be if you are this unhappy at being a parent. Going by your posting history winging and whining and bitterness is all your poor son must hear.
I personally think that 23 is way too early. We have a baby and we're both 33/34, I've a mate that had kids when he was 26 and he says if he could go back he'd have waited. Before we had a baby we've got married, had the exact wedding we wanted, got a nice house, a nice car, have been on some amazing holidays and have everything pretty much as we want, which I think is then the right time to have a kid. Whilst it's not impacted us much in terms of our social life (we're lucky that we've a few people who are more than happy to babysit), it has definitely impacted us in terms of holidays as it'll be a good few years before we can go on our favourite kind of holiday again (for example San Francisco, just chilling out around the city, going in bars and nice restaurants), so I'm glad we did the things we wanted to do.
I'm not too keen on babies though, never have been and never will be, and most of the time they're pretty boring because it's just the same thing over and over (eat, sleep, crap, repeat) but I can't wait until he's talking and actually doing more things.
In my humble opinion 24 is far too young to be considering having children.
I was 27 when I had my first, had a ball before he was born, settled down a bit after (we still managed nights out and a life etc!). Now my lads are 17 and 15 and I am looking toward to our next chapter in life. I'm glad I waited though. I didn't find parenting anything other than positive, I had strict routines with them both and thankfully the sleepless nights etc were few and far between. I've had no trouble, even when teenagers. Maybe it was because I was a little older?
I absolutely ADORE kids - and I have great times with friends and families kids. The trick is to remember what it was like to be their age and engage with them - not just make kiddy noises and similar. From having fun with a toy together to simple pleasures like digging a hole just 'to see what is underground', showing what is under the bonnet of the car and even ,aking things together (helping daddy is always good). Show them that you are with them and on their side - not just telling them what to do. Outings to mystery places ending with a treat from the gift shop are memories thet will remember long after the adult has forgotten.
The only problem is you need two people to make them and I have never even had a look in so that's that!
Believe me I wish I could cope with it better and it doesn't help with me having depression and anxiety and I hope that in time I will find it easier to cope with so hopefully I can be as happy as I was when I was single but right now I just look back and feel that I was a happier and more calm and relaxed person before I became a dad..
I don't believe for a second you were happy and relaxed before you became a dad. Judging by your posts on here your someone who finds fault with everything and joy in nothing so I'm not surprised you have plenty of complaints about fatherhood.
Personally i think babies are rubbish. Its like having a thousand pooing, screaming alarm clocks due to go off randomly all around your house, that don't really do anything except stop you doing things (like sleeping). However every day they get a bit better and more interactive and before you know it you have a fantastic little person who you love to bits, is wonderful to spend time with and could't imagine being without.
Having kids is hard and knackering, especially if you're on your own.
Mine didn't sleep through the night or anything like it until she had been at SCHOOL for months.
And working full time and being a mum is bloody hard, you feel crap at all of it.
That's just the truth for many of us.
My girl is the love of my life though, and wonderful and huge fun, even if when she is here she can be exhausting and the wet towel fairy comes out an' all.
Parenthood is awesome, but it's not a walk in the park, except I suppose if you can devote yourself to it solely, and/or have a flamin' nanny.
my partner is the same age as you , though we have been trying for several years he is happy to wait a bit but kids are still important to his future.
It is hard when you really want kids , for me its the most important thing to become a parent while for others they are happy just being aunts or uncles and don't want kids of their own.
And either is totally fine.
There is no problem wanting kids at 24 if that's feels right to you , its great for some people to wait but i wouldn't recommend waiting too long till mid thirties anyway.
For one many seem to think like i naively did its so easy having kids , but for some men and women they may struggle to conceive and if its something you really want then every month , year of being able to try really does count.
You could be a couple that gets pregnant first time , but you really need to find out at some point.
Some people here think the negatives start after you both conceive but for some it isn't , best to always bear that in mind. Some may say oh god she is scaremongering but i wish i am glad i found out about my condition at 19 rather than 35.
Im just shy of 22 and my god seeing women even at my young age with babies tears me apart , i may be biased but if you and your partner both feel ready then go for it.
It cannot hurt to try.
Anyone with half a brain know that there is highs and lows of parenthood that's life , i dont see why people are debating it.
If you both want a child when you are early twenties , late twenties or never , it is your decision not that of us. Also it is normal for men to be broody to. If anything to me it makes men more of a catch to want to be fathers.
It sounds like you will make a great father whenever that time does come. I wish you luck.
my partner is the same age as you , though we have been trying for several years he is happy to wait a bit but kids are still important to his future.
It is hard when you really want kids , for me its the most important thing to become a parent while for others they are happy just being aunts or uncles and don't want kids of their own.
And either is totally fine.
There is no problem wanting kids at 24 if that's feels right to you , its great for some people to wait but i wouldn't recommend waiting too long till mid thirties anyway.
For one many seem to think like i naively did its so easy having kids , but for some men and women they may struggle to conceive and if its something you really want then every month , year of being able to try really does count.
You could be a couple that gets pregnant first time , but you really need to find out at some point.
Some people here think the negatives start after you both conceive but for some it isn't , best to always bear that in mind. Some may say oh god she is scaremongering but i wish i am glad i found out about my condition at 19 rather than 35.
Im just shy of 22 and my god seeing women even at my young age with babies tears me apart , i may be biased but if you and your partner both feel ready then go for it.
It cannot hurt to try.
Anyone with half a brain know that there is highs and lows of parenthood that's life , i dont see why people are debating it.
If you both want a child when you are early twenties , late twenties or never , it is your decision not that of us. Also it is normal for men to be broody to. If anything to me it makes men more of a catch to want to be fathers.
It sounds like you will make a great father whenever that time does come. I wish you luck.
I have to agree on the "you're young yet but don't leave it too late" train of thought.
I'm pregnant now at the age of 29 but when I was 25 I was told I was infertile. Its taken us since then to get pregnant (with one miscarriage along the way) and I didn't think it would ever happen. You just never know what will happen once you start trying so be prepared for anything, whether it happens quickly or not.
I have to agree on the "you're young yet but don't leave it too late" train of thought.
I'm pregnant now at the age of 29 but when I was 25 I was told I was infertile. Its taken us since then to get pregnant (with one miscarriage along the way) and I didn't think it would ever happen. You just never know what will happen once you start trying so be prepared for anything, whether it happens quickly or not.
I see your point, but then i dont think that its something that should be worried about at 23.
Yes some people do find it harder to conceive but i dont think people in their early twenties need to be having unprotected sex to see if they can conceive easily!
If you think that waiting until your late twenties is best then you should wait until then, not start trying at 21 on the off chance it might take a few years!
Im of the school of thought that when two people in a relationship decide together to have a baby, it should just happen when it happens. Ive never understood people who are so desperate for a baby that nothing else matters except for ovulation charts, thermometers, specific sex positions and weekly pregnancy tests. I think some people lose sight of everything else and trying for a baby becomes a chore and it seems like its taking longer because every day thats all they are thinking about.
Exactly. And why do you think everybody says this? Why should couples do all the things they want to do and enjoy themselves before having kids? It's because once you have kids you can kiss goodbye to holidays for the first few years and when you do eventually get to have one it's nothing but stress trying to cope with getting stroppy toddlers through an airport whilst trying to manage a pushchair and a load of cases as they're kicking off because they just want to run about and then they wont sit still on the plane and get tired and restless and start playing up. By the time you get to your destination you need rehab not a holiday.
You can kiss goodbye to your freedom and your mates and your social life because you won't get time to see them. Or those romantic meals for two are a thing if the past unless you can find a cheap reliable babysitter. Forget about peace and quiet nights to yourself because they'll be disturbed. Kiss goodbye to a decent nights sleep for the next few years and be prepared for day after day of feeling tired, niggley, frustrated and uptight and stressed out due to.not getting enough sleep. Getting woken up several times in the night and then up at 6am and not having a minutes peace to yourself until the time they go to bed again which is a fight in itself. Trying to get them dressed for bed, brushing their teeth and getting them into bed when all they want to do is run around and scream and play you up. 10 minutes into settling down for the night they're up again saying they can't sleep and by the time you've got them settled and had your tea in peace you've just about got 2 hours to yourself watch some tv before it's time to go to bed when you have another sleepless night to look forward to.
People never tell you this though. They only tell you the positives. Apparently they call this the joys of parenting. If these are the joys I hate to think what the negatives are.
Couples should do anything they dream to do that they can't do with a child then there won't be any resentments.
Most people in your social circle when they get to a certain age will have children and you will have things in common and can do loads of fun things together as families instead of going down the pub every night. Most people when they get to a certain age prefer a different lifestyle to the things they liked to do when they were younger and enjoy settling down. Yes it is challenging, hard work and stressful at times but the rewards far outweigh this for most.
I don't feel the need to go on holiday abroad now as I have been to all the places I wanted to visit and can now enjoy a stress free holiday at a family friendly place in this country. I have made sure I am financially secure so I have no stresses on that front.
Sharing responsibilities between the couple mean you both get plenty of sleep and time out to yourselves.
Most people in your social circle when they get to a certain age will have children and you will have things in common and can do loads of fun things together as families instead of going down the pub every night. Most people when they get to a certain age prefer a different lifestyle to the things they liked to do when they were younger and enjoy settling down.
I wouldnt necessarily agree with that.
I think nowdays theres a bit of a turnaround when it comes to what people want to do as they get older. Its not uncommon for people to stay at home longer before moving out, spend longer building careers and getting married older.
There doesnt seem to be the stigma anymore about being an unwed single person with no children at 40 years old, especially since people are having kids naturally in their 40s.
I think people are generally taking their time more and tend to socialise with similar people. People who have families tend to befriend similar people, whereas those who dont have children tend to mingle more with other people with no kids.
Perhaps. I don't know because my own poor state of health was present prior to becoming a parent so that has to be factored in but parenting is never as easy or straight forward as you think it's gonna be. Before hand I just thought it was a case of putting them to bed, feeding them and changing a few nappies. Nothing could possibly prepare you for exactly how mentally and physically exhausting and time consuming it is.
I did say to my wife (fiancée at the time) that maybe it wasn't a good idea to think about having kids while I was suffering from stress, depression and anxiety but she just said, "no time is a good time for you is it? and decided hook or by crook she was going to have one before she was 30 regardless of what I wanted even though by this time I had kind of caved in and agreed so long as we left it till after the honeymoon period. She's right though. No time would have been a good time if it was left to me as I would always have been trying to put it off.
Sorry but were did you get the idea that being a parent was just about putting them to bed, feeding them and changing a few nappies? That might be what a young teen might think but not a grown adult would think, unless they have lived a very shelterd life,
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Whilst i think wizard is too negative i do see his point.
I only know one couple my age with a child and their lives are completely different with their child.
Like wizard the woman was hell bent on having a child but the man didnt want any but eventually caved in. Now hes confessed to his friends that he not only regrets having the child but also marrying his wife.
For them once the baby was born they led a traditional life for the first few months. He got up at 6 for work and she stayed home looking after the baby. Completely ruined them. He was getting hardly any sleep as they were both doing night feeds and changes, then he was at work at day and when he got home they would argue because she was fed up of looking after the baby all day so expected him to take over so she could rest, but he was shattered and just wanted sleep. Cue non stop arguments and resentments.
Now hes awful to look at. His friends are worried about him as hes lost so much weight he looks ill. His hair is falling out and his complexion is completely different. He looks like hes at least in his 40s and the child isnt even a year old yet.
The other week they went out with the baby and friends and the baby started crying, the wifes immediate reaction was that she was so embarassed by the baby that she made the husband take him outside for a push round town to calm him down because she didnt want to miss out on socialising even though they were the mans friends!
The whole thing for them is a bit of a sham. Hes struggling physically and emotionally and so is she. While he is honest with his friends that he misses his old life and misses hanging out with the lads, she is hell bent on trying for another baby!
I suppose thats the difference between people. They both love the child but he recognises that it was too soon for them and he regrets moving so fast and essentially missing out on his life. Shes experiencing thr same stresses but rather than open up, she pretends life is perfect and wants another child soon.
I suppose if wizard didnt want kids, and made it clear then hes entitled to feel a bit peeved that his wife skipped her pills to become pregnant. Its one of those things that you have to be certain you want. Obviously his wife was the one who wanted the child so she probably does see it differently. Its not the kind of thing you want to admit but i can see why he thinks life was easier before.
Thank you for at least trying to see things from where I'm coming from and you haven't just labelled me a bad father who hates his son.
I love him with all the world and wouldn't do without him now and we have some lovely times together but sadly the tantrums, arguments and stresses far outweigh those golden moments so yes, I have every reason to say that my life was better before. I made it clear when I met my wife that I wasn't paternal and she said it didn't matter as it was too soon in the relationship to worry about all that but did say she wanted kids "one day" but it was always like "Yeah maybe sometime in the future but not now" and I always tried to steer away the conversation. Then all of a sudden she was pushing towards 30 and she started to turn up the heat on me. I caved in and agreed but said we'd wait until after we were married, again trying to hold it off and avoid the subject but approx 5 months before the big day she got caught out and all of a sudden we had a wedding to sort out whilst getting to grips with being a parent which I wasn't prepared for and on top of all this I'm a carer for my disabled wife and my son has inherited her disability so I felt I had a lot on my plate to deal with.
I suffer with my mental health, have had 2 nervous breakdowns and numerous attempted suicides from stress and chronic depression but I have to try to keep strong for everybody but sometimes it's all too much for me to cope with when things get stressful. I have no energy and feel permanently mentally exhausted and drained of any emotion and as a couple were permanently having a go at each other. As a result we've ended up having to undergo marriage guidance to help with the strain it's put on our relationship. I realise my own health is a major factor but having a child has made this a lot worse.
I guess if a man really wants a child, like the op here, then they would be able to see past the negatives. Likewise if a woman wants a baby she would do the same. I guess to a certain extent even women who dont plan children have nine months of the baby growing inside them, along with the hormonal changes that allow them to bond with the baby. Even if they werent overly maternal they would be more likely to have a stronger bond with an unplanned baby than a father would who wouldnt really experience the pregnancy in the same way.
I suppose its something only the person living it would understand. You love your child but at the same time you are able to acknowledge that you were happier and more content without the child. Personally i think its better to be honest rather than pretend that you are happy.
Although maybe some professional help with your depression/anxiety would help you see the positives more.
I do think sometimes you say things which do come across very badly, but i can understand the frustration. To a certain point you remind me of my friend who has confessed that he is struggling but has to keep up appearances for his family.
I did say to my wife (fiancée at the time) that maybe it wasn't a good idea to think about having kids while I was suffering from stress, depression and anxiety but she just said, "no time is a good time for you is it? and decided hook or by crook she was going to have one before she was 30 regardless of what I wanted even though by this time I had kind of caved in and agreed so long as we left it till after the honeymoon period. She's right though. No time would have been a good time if it was left to me as I would always have been trying to put it off.
I haven't said any of the BIB.
I was simply pointing out that what you wrote is solely your experience with your child. All children and all parents are different, just because your life with your child is like that it doesn't mean that that is how parenthood is for everyone.
As I said earlier in the thread, I just think you focus too much on the negatives instead of the positives.
Apologies if you've misunderstood me. I was talking about what other people have said and how people shouldn't just judge. Although I was replying to you, that bit wasn't aimed at you personally.
I think with anything you will have the people who think parenthood is great or will at least tell people it's great whilst glossing over all the negatives (the sleepless nights, the worry, the tantrums, the loss of your own freedom, having to do stuff suitable for children). All Wizard is doing is putting across the negatives that many people seem to pretend don't exist.
Very sad
Its not about pretending the negatives don't exist... It's about putting them into context along with the positives.
And now that my kids are at school all day, they come home and we have a few hours together before they go to bed and sleep straight through to the morning... I miss the cuddles in the middle of the night, the sleepy late night conversations and the waking up to their faces next to me from when they didn't sleep through.
As for having to do stuff suitable for children, again it is what you make it, you can choose to see it as restrictive and a loss of freedom or you can choose to enjoy it and to enjoy the experiences and memories you're creating & sharing with your children.
And if Wizard was putting a balanced view of parenting across it would be different, but every post I've ever read from him about his son has been totally negative.
Most blokes you will speak to don't really enjoy the early years, but once they develop into active little kids with their own likes and dislikes, personalities and interests, they become quite fun to have around. It's the small things that make me smile, like overhearing them tell their friends some tall tale I have told them, repeating it earnestly as if it's like, really true. Or seeing them for the first time in a school play. You don't get to see them at school, so when they are there suddenly with their own little mates, and singing and acting - you think "WTF? My kid can sing? Who knew?" Or you'll go in their class and there's a picture they have drawn of you with "My dad" written on it. They hang on every word you say, and to them you're like Batman, Superman, James Bond and Hulk Hogan all rolled into one, even if you're a fat, balding, bespectacled office worker.
It's a privilege to be a parent, and I enjoyed it more when I remembered that I've had my time, now it's their time, and I set about making their childhood as happy as mine was.
See in recent posting history I can remember you posting that you get out two or three nights a week for a drink. Which is more than most people manage. You have had numerous holidays also so you can't think that is too stressful not to do it again. And maybe you should think about setting a strict routine for your son if you are still having sleepless nights. I think your negativity reflects back to your son, it must be if you are this unhappy at being a parent. Going by your posting history winging and whining and bitterness is all your poor son must hear.
I'm not too keen on babies though, never have been and never will be, and most of the time they're pretty boring because it's just the same thing over and over (eat, sleep, crap, repeat) but I can't wait until he's talking and actually doing more things.
I was 27 when I had my first, had a ball before he was born, settled down a bit after (we still managed nights out and a life etc!). Now my lads are 17 and 15 and I am looking toward to our next chapter in life. I'm glad I waited though. I didn't find parenting anything other than positive, I had strict routines with them both and thankfully the sleepless nights etc were few and far between. I've had no trouble, even when teenagers. Maybe it was because I was a little older?
The only problem is you need two people to make them and I have never even had a look in so that's that!
I don't believe for a second you were happy and relaxed before you became a dad. Judging by your posts on here your someone who finds fault with everything and joy in nothing so I'm not surprised you have plenty of complaints about fatherhood.
Personally i think babies are rubbish. Its like having a thousand pooing, screaming alarm clocks due to go off randomly all around your house, that don't really do anything except stop you doing things (like sleeping). However every day they get a bit better and more interactive and before you know it you have a fantastic little person who you love to bits, is wonderful to spend time with and could't imagine being without.
Mine didn't sleep through the night or anything like it until she had been at SCHOOL for months.
And working full time and being a mum is bloody hard, you feel crap at all of it.
That's just the truth for many of us.
My girl is the love of my life though, and wonderful and huge fun, even if when she is here she can be exhausting and the wet towel fairy comes out an' all.
Parenthood is awesome, but it's not a walk in the park, except I suppose if you can devote yourself to it solely, and/or have a flamin' nanny.
It is hard when you really want kids , for me its the most important thing to become a parent while for others they are happy just being aunts or uncles and don't want kids of their own.
And either is totally fine.
There is no problem wanting kids at 24 if that's feels right to you , its great for some people to wait but i wouldn't recommend waiting too long till mid thirties anyway.
For one many seem to think like i naively did its so easy having kids , but for some men and women they may struggle to conceive and if its something you really want then every month , year of being able to try really does count.
You could be a couple that gets pregnant first time , but you really need to find out at some point.
Some people here think the negatives start after you both conceive but for some it isn't , best to always bear that in mind. Some may say oh god she is scaremongering but i wish i am glad i found out about my condition at 19 rather than 35.
Im just shy of 22 and my god seeing women even at my young age with babies tears me apart , i may be biased but if you and your partner both feel ready then go for it.
It cannot hurt to try.
Anyone with half a brain know that there is highs and lows of parenthood that's life , i dont see why people are debating it.
If you both want a child when you are early twenties , late twenties or never , it is your decision not that of us. Also it is normal for men to be broody to. If anything to me it makes men more of a catch to want to be fathers.
It sounds like you will make a great father whenever that time does come. I wish you luck.
I have to agree on the "you're young yet but don't leave it too late" train of thought.
I'm pregnant now at the age of 29 but when I was 25 I was told I was infertile. Its taken us since then to get pregnant (with one miscarriage along the way) and I didn't think it would ever happen. You just never know what will happen once you start trying so be prepared for anything, whether it happens quickly or not.
I see your point, but then i dont think that its something that should be worried about at 23.
Yes some people do find it harder to conceive but i dont think people in their early twenties need to be having unprotected sex to see if they can conceive easily!
If you think that waiting until your late twenties is best then you should wait until then, not start trying at 21 on the off chance it might take a few years!
Im of the school of thought that when two people in a relationship decide together to have a baby, it should just happen when it happens. Ive never understood people who are so desperate for a baby that nothing else matters except for ovulation charts, thermometers, specific sex positions and weekly pregnancy tests. I think some people lose sight of everything else and trying for a baby becomes a chore and it seems like its taking longer because every day thats all they are thinking about.
Couples should do anything they dream to do that they can't do with a child then there won't be any resentments.
Most people in your social circle when they get to a certain age will have children and you will have things in common and can do loads of fun things together as families instead of going down the pub every night. Most people when they get to a certain age prefer a different lifestyle to the things they liked to do when they were younger and enjoy settling down. Yes it is challenging, hard work and stressful at times but the rewards far outweigh this for most.
I don't feel the need to go on holiday abroad now as I have been to all the places I wanted to visit and can now enjoy a stress free holiday at a family friendly place in this country. I have made sure I am financially secure so I have no stresses on that front.
Sharing responsibilities between the couple mean you both get plenty of sleep and time out to yourselves.
I wouldnt necessarily agree with that.
I think nowdays theres a bit of a turnaround when it comes to what people want to do as they get older. Its not uncommon for people to stay at home longer before moving out, spend longer building careers and getting married older.
There doesnt seem to be the stigma anymore about being an unwed single person with no children at 40 years old, especially since people are having kids naturally in their 40s.
I think people are generally taking their time more and tend to socialise with similar people. People who have families tend to befriend similar people, whereas those who dont have children tend to mingle more with other people with no kids.
Sorry but were did you get the idea that being a parent was just about putting them to bed, feeding them and changing a few nappies? That might be what a young teen might think but not a grown adult would think, unless they have lived a very shelterd life,