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Finding my dad
#grotbags#
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Over the last couple of years, on and off, I have thought about finding my biological dad and I just wondered if anyone here had done so, and how it turned out.
Long story... my mum married when I was five, but she died when I was 10 and then my stepdad died when I was 12. I have a half-brother. We lived with my stepdad's sister and family once our dad died. I had already worked out that my 'dad' wasn't my real dad, but no-one actually told me until I was about 16/17. My aunt and uncle and the rest of my stepdad's family have always treated me amazingly. Actually, the only one who I never felt loved me, was my stepdad. I was the apple of my gran's eye, even though she wasn't really my gran (but she never ever mentioned that). In fact, that's probably part of why I've not really thought about my real dad so much until now, because I would never have wanted her to think I needed someone other than the family I knew. But now she's dead, and I'm 32, and through no fault of my family, some days I can't help but feel that technically I don't "belong" to anyone. I can't explain it, but when it comes down to it, other than my brother, I'm absolutely nothing to do with them. My aunt and uncle love me (they are divorced now), but they have two sons. My son think of my aunt and uncle as his grandparents, and my cousins as his uncles, but I know when the real grandkids come, and I'm being called "Auntie", I will be resentful that they are more loved by the grandparents than my son. Blood is thicker than water. There's no getting away from that.
Anyway, there are a couple of people (my mums brother and two close friends) who I think could probably tell me who my real dad is. But to be honest I'm not even sure if he knows I exist. I imagine he must, as one of the friends daughters has drunkenly spoken about my situation, so I guess he's local and so how could he not know about me? I also have this memory from being about 3 of going to a house with my mum, just once, and it was to see a man. I don't know why it sticks out to me, but it does. I only remember being at the front door and he had a moustache
Anyway, this has become a ramble, eh?
What should I do? He will have his own life now. But if he has family, they are my family. I could be walking past them, day in, day out and not know. But what if I met him and didn't like him? Or he didn't want to know me? Or he doesn't actually know about me?
And I don't want to seem ungrateful to the family who brought me up. I know they love me as much as they can, considering, and they would support me in finding him, but still.
So, has anyone here tracked down a biological parent after 32 years? How did it work out? Do you regret it? Did it help you know who you are, etc? Or should I just be grateful for the family I do have? (Which I really am) The curiosity and feeling like I don't know who I belong to is getting stronger as time goes on and my family changes.
Thanks for reading, I hope it makes sense.
Long story... my mum married when I was five, but she died when I was 10 and then my stepdad died when I was 12. I have a half-brother. We lived with my stepdad's sister and family once our dad died. I had already worked out that my 'dad' wasn't my real dad, but no-one actually told me until I was about 16/17. My aunt and uncle and the rest of my stepdad's family have always treated me amazingly. Actually, the only one who I never felt loved me, was my stepdad. I was the apple of my gran's eye, even though she wasn't really my gran (but she never ever mentioned that). In fact, that's probably part of why I've not really thought about my real dad so much until now, because I would never have wanted her to think I needed someone other than the family I knew. But now she's dead, and I'm 32, and through no fault of my family, some days I can't help but feel that technically I don't "belong" to anyone. I can't explain it, but when it comes down to it, other than my brother, I'm absolutely nothing to do with them. My aunt and uncle love me (they are divorced now), but they have two sons. My son think of my aunt and uncle as his grandparents, and my cousins as his uncles, but I know when the real grandkids come, and I'm being called "Auntie", I will be resentful that they are more loved by the grandparents than my son. Blood is thicker than water. There's no getting away from that.
Anyway, there are a couple of people (my mums brother and two close friends) who I think could probably tell me who my real dad is. But to be honest I'm not even sure if he knows I exist. I imagine he must, as one of the friends daughters has drunkenly spoken about my situation, so I guess he's local and so how could he not know about me? I also have this memory from being about 3 of going to a house with my mum, just once, and it was to see a man. I don't know why it sticks out to me, but it does. I only remember being at the front door and he had a moustache
Anyway, this has become a ramble, eh?What should I do? He will have his own life now. But if he has family, they are my family. I could be walking past them, day in, day out and not know. But what if I met him and didn't like him? Or he didn't want to know me? Or he doesn't actually know about me?
And I don't want to seem ungrateful to the family who brought me up. I know they love me as much as they can, considering, and they would support me in finding him, but still.
So, has anyone here tracked down a biological parent after 32 years? How did it work out? Do you regret it? Did it help you know who you are, etc? Or should I just be grateful for the family I do have? (Which I really am) The curiosity and feeling like I don't know who I belong to is getting stronger as time goes on and my family changes.
Thanks for reading, I hope it makes sense.
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Comments
There are a lot of questions going round in your head and I guess no one on here can tell you the exact answers.
If you feel it would help then you should ask those people if they know who he is and try and get some contact details. If you meet him and you dont like him then you have lost nothing and at least you know whats what. He may have been to scared to get in touch after all these years, then again he may not know you exsist -these are only things that he can clear up.
You are not being ungrateful to the family you have now, even though it may seem that way to you. You would stil treat them the same and your realtionships with them dont have to change! Just make sure you do whats best for you and I really hope it works out for you
You make complete sense, a reader would have to have a heart of stone not to feel for you.
But reading your thread it is easy to conclude there are a lot of emotions flying around within you.
My first thought was-- when is enough enough for you?
BIB, no they are not and you could be heading for extra heartache should you succeed in your search.
Of course you should search and in that respect you might wish to talk to the Salvation Army.
Good Luck.
I think the OP's stepdad died 20 years ago, so it isn't as if they are immediately starting a "find my dad" mission.
Thank you for replying, but could you explain what you mean by the BIB?
What very heartless and cruel words. He/she was searching for others in the same situation.
grotbags I have no advice to give because I have no experience of this.. As other posters have said, clearly you have confusión and you need answers. Chaseta said it well.
There will probaby be lots of replies in the coming days and much mind-searching for you (as if you hadn't already had enough).
I wish you the very best outcome.
Oh right. Well hopefully these others will be aware of his honorouble intentions
I had a strong male influence in my life for many years in the form of my grandfather and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything at all. There's a reason my biological father isn't in my life and I respect whoever made that decision (from what I can gather, in my circumstance, he made that decision)
You sound like you want to fit somewhere and you want a family and you have issues with not belonging where you are. You need to decide if you can handle the heartbreak and rejection that may come with it should you pursue it when it seems you want the happy ending so much.
However, your dad was the man you grew up with, who looked after you, and the man you want to find is your father, and, to me, he has to earn the title of "dad". If you make that plain to your step-family, it might make it easier for them to understand what you want to do.
You've got a total right to search for your biological father, and time marches on, and lots of people have regretted not doing so before it's too late. Just don't go into it with loads of expectations, and then you won't be disappointed. Not that I'm saying you'll be disappointed, but there's always that chance. Best of luck. x
He would stay for hours, my wife was afraid to look out the window when she herd a car in case it was him. We politely told him 5 or 6 times to give us a call before you call in just in case it's not convinient. However he still kept turning up after about 6 months of this. He popped round one day, our boy was ill that day and we had been up half the night with him. all she said to him was "have you not go your mobile with you" he said er it's in the car. to which she replied "well please could you just ring me before you come"
He then stormed off saying "well if you don't want me to come round I won't bother". He has not come back since and has stopped talking to us.
His loss I'm afraid we are not chasing after him, He had not been in my wifes life from the age of 5 and she just had nothing in common with him. We did try but he was just too hard to deal with as well as the fact he smoked so much and hardly washed that made us uncomfortable around him.
As my wife said she felt uncomfortable in her own home and that's not on. She wanted to find him and we were not expecting a miracle to happen that everything would be great. It just did not work, thankfully though we did find that his mother was still alive and my wife now has a relationship with her Nan that she did not have before.
My parents have been like mum and dad to her as well. I'm afriad my wife lucked out with her mum as well. She is a very selfish person who cares about herself, both her parents were 17 when my wife was born.
Yes.
When I first read your thread it was clear it must have been tough loosing your parent/s at such an early age but you were fortunate in as much as you were taken in/adopted by your aunt and uncle.
If I understood your words correctly, with you reflecting, you had a happy child hood given the circumstances and I thought that's a fair bite at the apple,--is that not enough?
I am left wondering why your biological dad didn't have you after your Mother died, there could be many reasons for this, you didn't explain and there is no reason for you to have to.
It would appear your Gran and you adored each other and gelled things together and for the greater part eased any thinking for your real dad, didn't stop it but maybe filled a big gap.
I thought what a fantastic thing but she has now gone.
You write you felt loved by those that looked after you and it must have been a stable love so why search now for your dad who has had little to do with your childhood?
Which is why I thought first is enough not enough?
You further wrote that your Dad's family was your family and for some reason that irritated me.
It's right you search for your Dad, I hope you find him, I hope it works out for you.
Keep you emotions rational as best as you can and don't let them be clouded by need.
Thanks for replying. It's good that you are happy with how things are. I used to feel like that I wasn't too bothered. I'm not too sure what has changed. Maybe it's just growing up, or having my own son. I haven't thought too much about being a part of his family - Sunday dinners and things that you mention. The thought of that does seem strange and I don't know if I could do that. I know he could end up rejecting me. But as for "heartbreak", it's not like a I love him, so I don't know how I would take that.
As for who decided he wasn't to be in my life, I don't know the answer to that or the reasons for it, so if that was down to him, I find it hard to respect it without any explanation. Perhaps it was my mum's choice, and hopefully if it was, her friends can explain.
I can't remember if it's blank or says "unknown" (was that even allowed?). I would have to check.
You are right, I have been very lucky and I actually believe I was happier with my aunt and uncle than I would have been growing up with my stepdad. Even back to my mum dying, had that not happened, I wouldn't have the son I have, or the friends I have, etc. So I believe everything happens for a reason. Saying that, maybe there is a reason for me to find him.
When I said his family is my family, I didn't mean in the true sense of the word. I suppose I just mean that they are out there (if they are), they exist, and I want to be able to picture them and know a bit about them. They wouldn't and couldn't replace the only family I know. I don't think I feel like I need him, I just feel like I need to know who he is,what happened and why. But it would be nice if he wanted to know me and we got along.
Perhaps I don't really know what I want. But I'm starting to think I need to know something before it's no longer an option to find out.
I'm sorry it didn't work out for your wife. It must have been especially hard for her if she already had a bad relationship with her mum. I hope they realise one day that they have let her down and put things right.
But I get a sense from you posts that you have a gap in your life you need filling and you are looking to him, and what ever family he may have, to fill it. If so then it's not so much a good idea. His family will only be your family from a genetic perspective. They will not have anywhere near the feeling for you that your step family does.
Maybe if you get some form of counselling before you start with all this?
NB I'd start with your birth certificate and also your brother's (I assume he has the same father as you?). That is the logical first step.
It's hard to see that happening unfortunately. Her mum thinks she has done nothing wrong and it is all us being rude for not seeing her. She has never come to see us and wants everything on her terms. My wife has no memory of her dad from when she was a child. Some of this is due to her mum putting obsticals in the way for him. However he never tried to contact her when she was growing up.
After we met him he did say to me that he did not want to contact her when she was 18. As he was worried she would be like her mum and he could not go through all that again. Reality is she is nothing like her mum, I would not have married her if she was. I can chat to anyone but all I ever get out of her mum is one word answers.
Hope it all goes well for you though. It is only fair that you know where you come from, that is why my wife wanted to find her father.
Have you watched "Long Lost Family". The outcome is uncertain. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.
My advice is go for it NOW! You'll always regret it if you leave it too late. You'll always be thinking "what if". What if he's a really, really nice person and he's been trying to find you for decades?
That's my thinking too, Martin. One day it'll be too late. The OP needn't have a father-daughter relationship with the man if she doesn't want to, but the "What if" is a killer. If he turns out to not want to know her, or anything negative like that, then at least she knows.
I do feel something is missing, but I think it's the not knowing about him. I think if he didn't want to know me, I could accept that. I think. But if I find out he's dead, that would be harder. My birth cert doesn't mention him, and my brother's dad is the stepdad who died.
I definitely don't think he's been trying to find me. I have lived in the same area all my life, so if he is here too, and knows about me, it wouldn't be too hard to track me down.
It is the "what if", I think. But there is also part of me that thinks maybe I don't know myself well enough to be sure how I will deal with it if it goes badly. Maybe I should find out only if he is alive and that someone can tell me who he is, before tying myself in knots about possible outcomes.
Yes, exactly that. Once you have the knowledge of who and where he is, you can then decide if you want to approach him. Maybe you'll find it's enough for you to know who he is, and, if he IS living in the same town, you can then think about the fact that he could have looked for you, but didn't. You never know: maybe he thought you'd reject him - a possibility, with lots of maybes and interpretations.
It's all a big complicated thing, and I think step by step would be better for you than trying to decide now what will happen at the end of it all. I really do wish you luck. grotbags. x
I don't know if it would be any different. But that's the point, that I dont know anything.
Thank you Relly. You've been very understanding x