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Family at war
I've never considered posting for advice before, but could really do with fresh perspective please.
The short story: my father-in-law has died this week after becoming increasingly disabled over the last couple of years. During that time, my husband became depresssed and stressed about the situation, which culminated in him becoming delusional and finally being sectioned and diagnosed with bipolar. But during that time he caused a huge amount of trouble, and his brother cut off all communication.
When he came out of hospital, he sent a letter to his brother to apologise for everything, but has been deeply depressed since then. No response from his brother.
Last night we tried to communicate, to ask where we could help with the funeral arrangements etc, only to receive a hostile response which, quite honesty was very cruel - bringing in other unconnected family problems.
My worry is that at the funeral, we have to share a car with the brother and his family, and obviously have to try to continue to support their mother. My husband has been told to avoid stressful situations to avoid making his bipolar worse, but naturally he wants to be there. My base instinct is to tell the brother what an ignorant b*&tar* he's being....but that wouldn't help the situation at all.
Help?
The short story: my father-in-law has died this week after becoming increasingly disabled over the last couple of years. During that time, my husband became depresssed and stressed about the situation, which culminated in him becoming delusional and finally being sectioned and diagnosed with bipolar. But during that time he caused a huge amount of trouble, and his brother cut off all communication.
When he came out of hospital, he sent a letter to his brother to apologise for everything, but has been deeply depressed since then. No response from his brother.
Last night we tried to communicate, to ask where we could help with the funeral arrangements etc, only to receive a hostile response which, quite honesty was very cruel - bringing in other unconnected family problems.
My worry is that at the funeral, we have to share a car with the brother and his family, and obviously have to try to continue to support their mother. My husband has been told to avoid stressful situations to avoid making his bipolar worse, but naturally he wants to be there. My base instinct is to tell the brother what an ignorant b*&tar* he's being....but that wouldn't help the situation at all.
Help?
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Comments
Having said that, your husband has you there for him. I hope you all manage to gt through the funeral as well as can be expected and then maybe your husband and brother can start to put things back together
well tell his brother he's being a c*** then.
However, it sounds as if your hubby's brother is making no effort to understand that whatever it is your hubby might have done was not done intentionally but as the result of his illness. It might be, as it is in my family, that his brother is completely dismissive of mental illness and does not "believe in it" if you get what I mean. Or he might be scared to have to deal with something that can be like opening a can of worms, which can cause a lot of pain.
Or he might well be a c0ck!
If I were in your shoes, I would probably try to talk to my brother in law, in advance of the funeral, and do my best to explain the pain that whatever it was that he did is causing your hubby, and how much he wants to apologise, and that not being able to get past this is causing your hubby problems which are exacerbating his illness.
If he then choses to continue to blank/refuse to talk to hubby, you are in a better position to work out how to deal with things, and you will know you've done everything you can to try to make the situation better.
Being the partner of a bipolar can be such hard work, and your hubby is lucky to have someone who wants to help and take positive steps on his behalf. I hope his brother sees that whatever is hard for him in relation to dealing with your hubby's diagnosis must be ten times harder for you facing it on a daily basis, and stops being such a prawn
Good luck xx
Speaking from similar experience, I don't believe it is wrong to expect the family to make themselves aware of their brother's condition.
When my brother was diagnosed with mental health problems we were all very concerned and did everything we could to help and support him despite the sometime quite frightening and worrying things he was saying to us and about us.
I would suggest you try and talk to your brother in law privately, if he can't or won't accept the reasons for his brother's behaviour then you can only ask that he puts on a front to keep the peace for all concerned on the day of the funeral and hope that in time he will come to understand.
Good luck
I agree fully with this. What you need to do is get past the funeral and then start rebuilding bridges. I recently went to a funeral after a huge family falling out. People were civil to each other and it made the whole day a lot easier. It was stressful, but not as stressful as it could have been.
Sadly, I think he is just a neanderthal when it comes to any sort of mental health problems - I guessed this from his comments while hubby was at his worst. He and his wife are the sort who love to hold grudges against anyone who has slighted them..and love to spread the word around too.
But, you're right that it's best to do all I can for now, then hope for the best.