my friends husbands pre marriage activities.
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I found out last night that my good friends husband had been getting quite close to another girl at work just before he was due to be married, apparently cuddling and getting very close while waiting for the bus, going for lunch together every day, saying to my friend he was going for after work drinks with 'the lads' when he was meeting her, and from what the husband said they actually had an incident in the toilets of the pub too [he did not elaborate.] Him and this other girl aren't friends anymore, and presumably don't speak, it all happened about 3 years ago.
I was not really surprised when I heard this, he has done a few things before the marriage which he openly told us about during occasional drinks after work [me and her hubby used to work in same place] for example openly talkin about when he used to smoke crack and how he has slept with prostitutes, although his wife does not know about this. Other things like not being very attentive to her needs from what she tells me, hardly ever having sex him apparently telling her he prefers to ummm pleasure himself etc. All kind of lowers my opinion of him
Anyway I know it would break her heart to tell her this, and i don't think she would leave him, she would stay with him and just put up with the heartache. She has got her heart set on a baby meanwhile he says to his mates he never wants kids [again he hasn't told her this let's her go on thinking its what they both want]
Obviously my loyalties lie with my good friend but still part of me things she should know what he is really like, even though it will upset her no end. Maybe if I had firm evidence that he cheated might be different rather than an ambiguous incident in a toilet... I just don't know if it makes me a bad friend not to tell her these things as I would like to spare her hurt feelings.
I know nothing good can come of it. But still I
would hate that being done to me whether this girl umm orally pleasured him in the toilets like we are assuming or not.
Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts!
Oh and my good friend is late 20s her husband is late 30s just as a side note.
I was not really surprised when I heard this, he has done a few things before the marriage which he openly told us about during occasional drinks after work [me and her hubby used to work in same place] for example openly talkin about when he used to smoke crack and how he has slept with prostitutes, although his wife does not know about this. Other things like not being very attentive to her needs from what she tells me, hardly ever having sex him apparently telling her he prefers to ummm pleasure himself etc. All kind of lowers my opinion of him
Anyway I know it would break her heart to tell her this, and i don't think she would leave him, she would stay with him and just put up with the heartache. She has got her heart set on a baby meanwhile he says to his mates he never wants kids [again he hasn't told her this let's her go on thinking its what they both want]
Obviously my loyalties lie with my good friend but still part of me things she should know what he is really like, even though it will upset her no end. Maybe if I had firm evidence that he cheated might be different rather than an ambiguous incident in a toilet... I just don't know if it makes me a bad friend not to tell her these things as I would like to spare her hurt feelings.
I know nothing good can come of it. But still I
would hate that being done to me whether this girl umm orally pleasured him in the toilets like we are assuming or not.
Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts!
Oh and my good friend is late 20s her husband is late 30s just as a side note.
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I would say nothing, she probably would not believe you and you might lose a friend.
I predict 99% of the replies will tell you to stay out of it
There are two issues here. One is his past, which is hearsay. And the other is the baby issue.
I really, really would not get involved in the hearsay as you don't really know how much there is in this. The baby issue is something else. I would not tell her that either but perhaps your husband could encourage him to tell her he does not want kids as that is really unfair. I may also be why he is avoiding sex with her.
That is so cruel It does make you wonder if he is seeing someone else from what you have described. He does not sound the sort of man to have a baby with does he?
Regardless of the past all the crap you say he is doing at the moment in their relationship, what does she think of it. Is she happy to put up with it ?
I would be more inclined to judge his behaviour since the marriage started - how has he treated her during that marriage?
You say there are problems in the bedroom department and that she wants babies, he doesn't. It's not such a leap to see that the two are connected. Whether consciously or sub-consciously (or both) he's avoiding having sex with her - no sex, no babies.
Now on to whether you should say something...my gut feeling is no, you shouldn't. My main reason is that this marriage may well unravel on it's own accord. If you say something and the marriage does come apart (due to what you say or not) she will forever associate you with a bad time. If you say nothing and support her during the, probably inevitable, fall-out she will see you as nothing more than the good friend you are.
Marriages/relationships are funny things and people don't behave how you expect them to - I wouldn't risk becoming the bad guy here.
The past is the past and before they married. It's also really hard to know what he has or hasn't told her re children and whether what he says to her or what he claims in testosterone friendlies with his mates is the truth.
If your suspicions about him are right - then the relationship will end sooner rather than later, if they are wrong - it may flourish. Either way it's their business.
the messenger is usually first in the firing line and she may not want to know or may already but be ignoring it.
eta: but you can still tell him that he`s a ****.
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Gosh, that's a bit of a harsh thing for a caring friend to say. I think it is good that she does feel able to discuss that with another friend. I would struggle to stand by and see a friend desperate for a baby knowing the husband didn't want a baby and didn't seem that bothered about her either.
The stuff before they were married is not the issue here IMO but the baby stuff is. I think he should be encouraged to come clean and tell her he doesn't want kids. It will avoid a lot of heartache.
Wth regard to the past, support is one thing, telling unfounded tales is another and personally I'd advise staying well away from that subject.
Leave well alone is my advice, none of this matters.
Be around if it all falls apart.
Invite them to the next local session for Blood Donations. Once he's read the health leaflet, it might jog his conscience.