my friends husbands pre marriage activities.

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,373
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I found out last night that my good friends husband had been getting quite close to another girl at work just before he was due to be married, apparently cuddling and getting very close while waiting for the bus, going for lunch together every day, saying to my friend he was going for after work drinks with 'the lads' when he was meeting her, and from what the husband said they actually had an incident in the toilets of the pub too [he did not elaborate.] Him and this other girl aren't friends anymore, and presumably don't speak, it all happened about 3 years ago.

I was not really surprised when I heard this, he has done a few things before the marriage which he openly told us about during occasional drinks after work [me and her hubby used to work in same place] for example openly talkin about when he used to smoke crack and how he has slept with prostitutes, although his wife does not know about this. Other things like not being very attentive to her needs from what she tells me, hardly ever having sex him apparently telling her he prefers to ummm pleasure himself etc. All kind of lowers my opinion of him :s

Anyway I know it would break her heart to tell her this, and i don't think she would leave him, she would stay with him and just put up with the heartache. She has got her heart set on a baby meanwhile he says to his mates he never wants kids [again he hasn't told her this let's her go on thinking its what they both want]


Obviously my loyalties lie with my good friend but still part of me things she should know what he is really like, even though it will upset her no end. Maybe if I had firm evidence that he cheated might be different rather than an ambiguous incident in a toilet... I just don't know if it makes me a bad friend not to tell her these things as I would like to spare her hurt feelings.
I know nothing good can come of it. But still I
would hate that being done to me whether this girl umm orally pleasured him in the toilets like we are assuming or not.

Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts!


Oh and my good friend is late 20s her husband is late 30s just as a side note.
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  • fredsterfredster Posts: 31,802
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    Flaxseed wrote: »
    I found out last night that my good friends husband had been getting quite close to another girl at work just before he was due to be married, apparently cuddling and getting very close while waiting for the bus, going for lunch together every day, saying to my friend he was going for after work drinks with 'the lads' when he was meeting her, and from what the husband said they actually had an incident in the toilets of the pub too [he did not elaborate.] Him and this other girl aren't friends anymore, and presumably don't speak, it all happened about 3 years ago.

    I was not really surprised when I heard this, he has done a few things before the marriage which he openly told us about during occasional drinks after work [me and her hubby used to work in same place] for example openly talkin about when he used to smoke crack and how he has slept with prostitutes, although his wife does not know about this. Other things like not being very attentive to her needs from what she tells me, hardly ever having sex him apparently telling her he prefers to ummm pleasure himself etc. All kind of lowers my opinion of him :s

    Anyway I know it would break her heart to tell her this, and i don't think she would leave him, she would stay with him and just put up with the heartache. She has got her heart set on a baby meanwhile he says to his mates he never wants kids [again he hasn't told her this let's her go on thinking its what they both want]


    Obviously my loyalties lie with my good friend but still part of me things she should know what he is really like, even though it will upset her no end. Maybe if I had firm evidence that he cheated might be different rather than an ambiguous incident in a toilet... I just don't know if it makes me a bad friend not to tell her these things as I would like to spare her hurt feelings.
    I know nothing good can come of it. But still I
    would hate that being done to me whether this girl umm orally pleasured him in the toilets like we are assuming or not.

    Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts!


    Oh and my good friend is late 20s her husband is late 30s just as a side note.


    I would say nothing, she probably would not believe you and you might lose a friend.
  • Tweacle Tart IITweacle Tart II Posts: 5,079
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    Such a tricky one because you'll be the bad guy whatever happens. He sounds like a right arsehole though and someone you wouldn't really wish on your worst enemy.

    I predict 99% of the replies will tell you to stay out of it ;)
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    Flaxseed wrote: »
    Anyway I know it would break her heart to tell her this, and i don't think she would leave him, she would stay with him and just put up with the heartache. She has got her heart set on a baby meanwhile he says to his mates he never wants kids [again he hasn't told her this let's her go on thinking its what they both want]

    There are two issues here. One is his past, which is hearsay. And the other is the baby issue.

    I really, really would not get involved in the hearsay as you don't really know how much there is in this. The baby issue is something else. I would not tell her that either but perhaps your husband could encourage him to tell her he does not want kids as that is really unfair. I may also be why he is avoiding sex with her.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,373
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    Yeah that's what I thought I should do for the best, I need to put aside my feelings about him and do what is best by her! Still it is a difficult one esp when I hear how wonderful he is etc! ;)
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    I stood by a friend of mine through thick and thin when her husband moved in with the woman next door. Even though he had been my friend longer. He was taunting her daily, even leaving the windows open when they had sex so she could hear. BUT she still wanted him back. In the end she dumped ME because she said I didn't like him and she was desperate to have him back. That is how blind some people can be. They are now divorced and she has a much smaller circle of friends as I was not the only person she fell out with.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,373
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    Not sure the baby issue is the reason they don't have sex, she says he just doesn't seem bothered and tells her she looks silly etc when she puts on sexy undies to try encourage him . It seems really weird :s but all I have to go on is what she tells me.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    Flaxseed wrote: »
    Not sure the baby issue is the reason they don't have sex, she says he just doesn't seem bothered and tells her she looks silly etc when she puts on sexy undies to try encourage him . It seems really weird :s but all I have to go on is what she tells me.

    That is so cruel :( It does make you wonder if he is seeing someone else from what you have described. He does not sound the sort of man to have a baby with does he?
  • c4rvc4rv Posts: 29,538
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    she needs to figure this out by herself. She is the one in the relationship, not you. Just be there for her when if all falls apart.

    Regardless of the past all the crap you say he is doing at the moment in their relationship, what does she think of it. Is she happy to put up with it ?
  • Abbasolutely 40Abbasolutely 40 Posts: 15,589
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    Thats a really tough one OP .If it wasnt for the baby issue I would tend to say keep it all to yourself .Maybe you could ask her if she thinks he is ready to have a baby and be guided by her replies and work from there
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,373
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    Thing is he is nice on the surface he is just the kind of person who does what he wants with no regard for peoples feelings. He is a good laugh when he wants to be but I couldn't go out with someone like that, he even told my friend he had been out with better looking women than her, but her personality was better. Ok so may be true but that still might be quite upsetting to hear for some women esp insecure ones like my friend!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    It sounds to me that your friend has confidence issues, which is why she puts up with this crap.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,373
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    I won't tell her, I couldn't see her hurt like that esp as he upsets her already and she never thinks about leaving him etc. I just kinda needed to vent I guess. And if it does come crashing down in the future just be there for her without I told you so.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 14,284
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    The baby thing is the big issue. He needs to be honest with get about his feelings so she can either decide she values her relationship over children or give her the chance to find someone else to give her the children she wants.
  • humdrummerhumdrummer Posts: 4,487
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    Well, my thoughts on this for what they're worth, is that most of this guys misdemeanors happened before the marriage - we all have a past and some people have a more colourful past than others.

    I would be more inclined to judge his behaviour since the marriage started - how has he treated her during that marriage?

    You say there are problems in the bedroom department and that she wants babies, he doesn't. It's not such a leap to see that the two are connected. Whether consciously or sub-consciously (or both) he's avoiding having sex with her - no sex, no babies.

    Now on to whether you should say something...my gut feeling is no, you shouldn't. My main reason is that this marriage may well unravel on it's own accord. If you say something and the marriage does come apart (due to what you say or not) she will forever associate you with a bad time. If you say nothing and support her during the, probably inevitable, fall-out she will see you as nothing more than the good friend you are.

    Marriages/relationships are funny things and people don't behave how you expect them to - I wouldn't risk becoming the bad guy here.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 5,432
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    Nobody has any idea what any relationships is like from the outside.

    The past is the past and before they married. It's also really hard to know what he has or hasn't told her re children and whether what he says to her or what he claims in testosterone friendlies with his mates is the truth.

    If your suspicions about him are right - then the relationship will end sooner rather than later, if they are wrong - it may flourish. Either way it's their business.
  • spikydogspikydog Posts: 1,926
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    Just to be clear here, you are concerned about his behaviour before he married? Has he been doing something since he got married that his wife doesn't know about?
  • annette kurtenannette kurten Posts: 39,543
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    i`d leave it and just be there when the shit hits.

    the messenger is usually first in the firing line and she may not want to know or may already but be ignoring it.

    eta: but you can still tell him that he`s a ****.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,373
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    I don't know about that one, wouldn't be surprised if you can behave that way when you've got a fiancee you can do it when you've got a wife! I haven't heard of any misdemeanors mainly just what she has told me about how he treats her sometimes.
  • Star_BrightStar_Bright Posts: 11,341
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    Stay out of it. They will probably both end up hating you.
  • SeasideLadySeasideLady Posts: 20,766
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    Pre-marriage activities - sowing his wild oats wasn't he ? That's what he was doing and if your friend didn't know anything about it then she obviously didn't know her future husband very well. As humdrummer said in post no. 15, it's how he has been behaving since their wedding that's the issue. Having a baby together is something they should have discussed carefully beforehand, and if he has lied to her about that well that's something else. It sounds to me that she didn't really know him and his character as well as she should have done. Tell her to keep her sex life to herself and don't get involved with her problems.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    Tell her to keep her sex life to herself and don't get involved with her problems.
    .

    Gosh, that's a bit of a harsh thing for a caring friend to say. I think it is good that she does feel able to discuss that with another friend. I would struggle to stand by and see a friend desperate for a baby knowing the husband didn't want a baby and didn't seem that bothered about her either.

    The stuff before they were married is not the issue here IMO but the baby stuff is. I think he should be encouraged to come clean and tell her he doesn't want kids. It will avoid a lot of heartache.
  • jasvinyljasvinyl Posts: 14,631
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    Ok, here goes: their relationship is nothing to do with you, either before they got married or now. You can absolutely be there to listen, support, and even tentatively advise if it is asked for and you can temper that advice with complete objectivity....which is hard, when it's your friend involved. Anything else is asking for trouble in the long run, because it is likely (from what you say) that your friend would ultimately "side" with her husband if push came to shove. So, keep a distance with the advice but be there with a listening ear - and remember, you are only hearing one side of any story. Personally I'd tread very carefully, and bear in mind that she is an adult and can - and has - made her own choices.

    Wth regard to the past, support is one thing, telling unfounded tales is another and personally I'd advise staying well away from that subject.
  • TogglerToggler Posts: 4,592
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    Say nothing at all; you will end up as the one everyone hates and falls out with, Their marriage is none of your business and if you repeat what the husband has apparently said about not wanting kids, it could have all been a bit of beer bravado t his mates. No one will back you up and your own husband will be furious.

    Leave well alone is my advice, none of this matters.
  • Judge MentalJudge Mental Posts: 18,593
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    Say nothing.

    Be around if it all falls apart.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,856
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    Hmm, he may be avoiding the big question whether hs premarital sex life has affected his own or your friend's sexual health (who's to say he's not carrying something from previous partners but is asymptomatic at the moment), as well as ensuring a 0% fertility rate by not making love.

    Invite them to the next local session for Blood Donations. Once he's read the health leaflet, it might jog his conscience.
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