Wanting to move out, but too scared
RuinedGirl
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I'm 26 soon and still living at home. I've tried to move out twice in the past, but been unsuccessful and moved back in with my parents within 5 days (the first time when I moved out to live in uni accommodation and ended up in a flat with people who were vile towards me, and the second time when I moved in with a friend whose boyfriend pretty much moved in without paying rent and I felt like it was their flat rather than mine.)
My mum gets offended when I mention that I want to move out (I don't say it in a nasty way, but I'm almost 26 and she seems very reluctant to let her last child fly the nest) and makes me feel as though I'm being nasty or critical towards her. We've always been far too dependent on each other and I think it would actually do us both some good if I moved out, although that is not the main reason why I want to leave.
I act younger than my age and tend to hide behind my overbearing mother because it makes my anxiety easier to deal with. I can't even go to the doctors/dentist on my own and so always convince my parents to come with me (and they always have to speak for me by saying ''My daughter has an appointment/prescription to pick up etc'' whilst I stand in the background feeling like a 5 year old) I also can't go out anywhere aside from work unless I have one of them with me. But if I lived on my own, I'd have to force myself to do all these things and I think it could be the making of me and bring me out of my shell.
Although my mum is supportive and has done a lot for me, she is also incredibly critical of me and to be honest, when my parents go away on holiday for (sometimes) a month, I've always felt so much happier being at home on my own because there's less pressure and no-one to point out all my flaws.
I'm terrified that I'll fail at moving out again and end up having to move back home, but at the same time I feel as though if I don't move out soon then I'll end up being 50 years old and still living with them.
I've saved up almost £2000, but that's been whilst living at home rent free. The job I do isn't really financially stable in the sense that I work for just above minimum wage and if a few of my clients end up in hospital at the same time, they I could be working for only around 15 hours a week. I'm planning on doing a course which will hopefully have job opportunities at the end of it, but I'm scared I'll either be too scared to do it, or end up failing at it.
Long story short, I'm torn between taking a chance and moving out, or staying at home and telling myself ''I'll move out one day.'' If I move out, would I be being irresponsible and putting myself in a position where it will most likely all go wrong? Or is that just my fear talking and should I move out before it's too late?
Sorry for the rambling post. I'm not in any way criticising my parents, who love me very much. I hope that's not how this post comes across.
Thank you for reading, and any advice would be much appreciated
My mum gets offended when I mention that I want to move out (I don't say it in a nasty way, but I'm almost 26 and she seems very reluctant to let her last child fly the nest) and makes me feel as though I'm being nasty or critical towards her. We've always been far too dependent on each other and I think it would actually do us both some good if I moved out, although that is not the main reason why I want to leave.
I act younger than my age and tend to hide behind my overbearing mother because it makes my anxiety easier to deal with. I can't even go to the doctors/dentist on my own and so always convince my parents to come with me (and they always have to speak for me by saying ''My daughter has an appointment/prescription to pick up etc'' whilst I stand in the background feeling like a 5 year old) I also can't go out anywhere aside from work unless I have one of them with me. But if I lived on my own, I'd have to force myself to do all these things and I think it could be the making of me and bring me out of my shell.
Although my mum is supportive and has done a lot for me, she is also incredibly critical of me and to be honest, when my parents go away on holiday for (sometimes) a month, I've always felt so much happier being at home on my own because there's less pressure and no-one to point out all my flaws.
I'm terrified that I'll fail at moving out again and end up having to move back home, but at the same time I feel as though if I don't move out soon then I'll end up being 50 years old and still living with them.
I've saved up almost £2000, but that's been whilst living at home rent free. The job I do isn't really financially stable in the sense that I work for just above minimum wage and if a few of my clients end up in hospital at the same time, they I could be working for only around 15 hours a week. I'm planning on doing a course which will hopefully have job opportunities at the end of it, but I'm scared I'll either be too scared to do it, or end up failing at it.
Long story short, I'm torn between taking a chance and moving out, or staying at home and telling myself ''I'll move out one day.'' If I move out, would I be being irresponsible and putting myself in a position where it will most likely all go wrong? Or is that just my fear talking and should I move out before it's too late?
Sorry for the rambling post. I'm not in any way criticising my parents, who love me very much. I hope that's not how this post comes across.
Thank you for reading, and any advice would be much appreciated
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Comments
I have anxiety issues too, and whilst you say you'd force yourself to go out if you lived alone you probably wouldn't. I personally think the nature of anxiety is that you can convince yourself if this or this will change then i'd have to change too but its just another way of avoidance.
If you really do feel like you want to move out, then give it a go just make sure you've got a good support network in place.
Thank you for the reply But if I don't move out, I know I'll just stay in my comfort zone and never change because I can just hide behind my parents. Isn't part of anxiety management learning to confront things which you fear rather than letting them dictate your life?
I dunno, I'm really confused about the whole thing
As sad as it sounds, I don't actually have any friends. I only leave the house to go to work or if I'm going to the supermarket with my parents. So that's not an option I'm afraid.
Thanks for the reply
So maybe you need to take this a step at a time, and try to go out more and make some friends before thinking about moving out? It's good that you want to move away from your comfort zone. How about doing it by going out & finding something that you want to do that brings you into contact with other people? This might lead to you meeting someone that you could share with.
You need something more secure job wise that comes with a solid basic wage , giving you the peace of mind that all your bills would be covered
Why don't you look at renting a room to begin with? There's rarely contracts like renting a flat, only needs a months notice and all bills are often included. You will have your own room, maybe an en-suite and a communal kitchen and living room. This could be the first steps you need. It helped me out loads when I wanted to move out but wasn't in stable employment. Could be a great way to meet new people too.
Spareroom.co.uk is where to look.
Part of anxiety management is learning to control things but also not pushing yourself to the point where you end up back at the start.
From an outside point of view (and only you know how easy or hard this will be) I think you need to start working on some social interaction first without your parents. I hate the thought of you trying to go through with all of this, ending up back at home and never finding the nerve to move out again.
You need to sort yourself a plan of action and with moving out being the end goal. You can start off as easy or as hard as you like. Even something simple like instead of having your mum say 'I'm here to pick up a prescription for my daughter' she goes with you and you say it.
I hope you don't think I'm trying to be mean or put you off. Its just sometimes the grass is greener and you think you'll feel a lot better when you make a big change but when things remain the same its rather depressing.
I think that's a good idea. There's also a website called houseshare.com that might be worth a gander.
Maybe if you can find a house listed in your area, consider such a thing? Then you could meet the potential flatmates and check out the house/cleanliness etc before signing up so you could see if they have similar lifestyles to yourself before committing. It might be worth seeing if there are any places out there with no specified rent term or with trial periods, so you wouldn't necessarily feel pressured into keeping a long term agreement going/trying to find someone to fill your place if it's not right for you.
There's no rush to move out; consider the advice regarding working on your anxiety first, but if you're dead set on the idea of moving out, I think this sounds like a decent way forward. Small steps- no stress about an entire flat/house, and potentially an opportunity to meet new people with similar lifestyles.
Good luck to you with whatever you decide to do. I hope it works out for you. :)
I know you think moving out will "force" you to have the interactions, but I'm not convinced it will. I think you'll just end up isolated, scared and depressed.
I really think far more constructive moves for you to make are changing your life as it is right now. I think you should look into joining a club or classes in a hobby you might find interesting. I don't know if you've seen your GP about your anxiety, but I think that's also essential and you can chose to take your mum - or not.
One of the self-fulfilling prophecies you have going on right now is your mum is critical so you have low self-esteem. But because you have low self-esteem, you don't have other friends/contacts who you can let off steam to and make you feel good about yourself, so you only have your mother's input. I think you'd be surprised how much better you would feel if you had outside interests.
You make a lot of sense And perhaps you're right and I should take more steps to gain gradual independence rather than throwing myself in at the deep end and possibly putting myself off moving out for life.
I've already set myself the goal of losing weight (since I was obese and it made my confidence even lower than it already was.) I've lost almost a stone and a half so far and once I get a bit healthier I'm planning on taking a counseling course. Hopefully that will allow me to make friends and increase my confidence even more. Also going to try and go to the dentist for a check up and speak for myself instead of making my mum/dad do it for me.
Thank you once again for your well thought out and articulate reply. I was having a bit of a ''wobbler'' and it helped to get some rational perspective
You could move in with me £50 a week all bills included. I'll even cook your tea and wash your clothes.
Well done on losing weight, I know that eating healthier is thought to really improve anxiety. I don't know if it is true because I never really managed much of the healthy eating haha.
I think the counselling course sounds really interesting. Plus you'll be able to work on your issues whilst also learning how to help others in your position so really good all round.
If you lived where I lived I'd be your friend lol I do socialise nowadays though but only assisted by large amounts of alcohol. I wasn't ready to leave home properly (like you I'd moved out a few times but ended up back at home) until I found a man I loved to move in with. Probably sets feminism back about 40 years but who cares :P
And you will find yet another reason for the move not to work out.
You need to start with baby steps, by going out the house on your own (and not to go to work) - first maybe just to the corner shop, then progressing onto going to the docs on your own, joining a gym orclass, making friends, going clubbing with them, on holiday with them etc.
You mayfind you need extra professional help through this, so you can seek a psychologist's help, either privately or through your GP (think of this as another first step towards your independence).
I could have been in the same situation. But it happened I had to move 100 miles away for work; I was 25.
Living on my own was great! It supposed to be for a few months, but I never went back. (Except for a short while at age 50, in between houses. It didn't really work...)
-sigh- Sorry for the rant.
is she an alcoholic
Don't do that. Just get on with it.
It's not worth making a problem out of
Unfortunately, I've been going to my doctor on and off for over 10 years with depression etc. I've found them rather unhelpful.
I was prescribed Citalopram a few years ago. Had to go back every month for another prescription. I went on three separate occasions and saw three different doctors each time.
The first one told me I needed to increase my dosage as the current Citalopram dosage wasn't working effectively. A month later, the second doctor said Citalopram wasn't working at all so I should reduce my dosage and they'd ween me off it and try another anti-depressant. A month after that, the third doctor said I simply needed to increase the dosage again. I gave up after that and stopped taking it since none of them seemed to have a clue what they were doing and Citalopram was just making me feel even worse.
Ignoring it is the wrong thing to do. It just delays getting help further down the line.