[B]i am makeing a dr who script up[/B]

ilovedrwho123ilovedrwho123 Posts: 394
Forum Member
here it is

Set 1
Inside the TARDIS
The doctor and Amy are planning on were to go.

Dr: (looking at Amy) so were do you want to go this time back in time, forward in time, a planet or a spaceship.

Amy: a planet.

Dr: ok Amy. Just setting the tardis for the planet… waked.

Amy: (confused) not sure about what planet you mean. But ok.

Dr: it’s a really calm planet

The Dr sets the tardis for waked and lands it.

Set 2
The doctor has landed and they start exploring the planet.

Dr: Amy the planet a waits.

Amy: ok lets go then

Walks out he tardis

Dr: oh…

Amy: …it’s beautiful. Oh thank you doctor

Dr: yes it is

Start walking

Amy: it looks like an alien Dr what is it

Dr: (excitedly) its k9 a tin dogs so Sarah Jane must be here an old companion of mine

Amy: (sacristy) oh great

Dr: oh Amy lets go and at lest meet her

Amy: ok

Set 3
The doctor and Amy meet Sarah and an alien

Dr and Amy: Hello Sarah Jane

Sarah Jane: hello who are you and how do you know me.

Dr: oh yeah new face. I’m the doctor and this is my new companion Amy

Sarah: Doctor! Like your face but why did you come to me at Christmas and hello Amy?

Amy: hello Sarah Jane

Dr: hi thanks and the reason I came to you at Christmas maybe (points at face) what I look like gives you a clue

K9: master

Dr: Hi k9 any way how did you get to the planet waked and what are you doing here

Sarah: I’m not on the planet waked you on earth and I trying to defeat some cybermen

Amy: Dr you promised me a planet that wasn’t earth.

Dr: I know and cybermen do you want any help

Sarah: ok and Amy you can help too

Dr and Amy: thanks

K9: batteries running o…

Sarah and Dr: I think we need to fix k9

Amy: ok


:cool::):yawn::D:D:D

Comments

  • davrosdodebirddavrosdodebird Posts: 8,692
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    The Doctor sure says 'wicked' a lot :D
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 20
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    Is this a Chav Doctor?
  • ilovedrwho123ilovedrwho123 Posts: 394
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    marksteel wrote: »
    Is this a Chav Doctor?

    no it's this doctor
  • ilovedrwho123ilovedrwho123 Posts: 394
    Forum Member
    The Doctor sure says 'wicked' a lot :D

    what do you mean
  • davrosdodebirddavrosdodebird Posts: 8,692
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    I see. "Waked" is the name of the planet :o:o:o

    I'll, erm... I'll just go now... :o
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 52
    Forum Member
    "Well, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better — but apart from that it was excellent."

    Thanks, Blackadder ;)
  • DICKENS99DICKENS99 Posts: 2,619
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    Needs more ghosts
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,509
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    "Well, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better — but apart from that it was excellent."

    Thanks, Blackadder ;)
    DICKENS99 wrote: »
    Needs more ghosts

    :D:D:D

    also- there should be an evil helper monkey out for revenge
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,068
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    Tags ( [ B] etc) don't work in titles :)
  • ilovedrwho123ilovedrwho123 Posts: 394
    Forum Member
    Tags ( [ B] etc) don't work in titles :)

    thanks
  • scouseyb123scouseyb123 Posts: 204
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    boring
  • ilovedrwho123ilovedrwho123 Posts: 394
    Forum Member
    you know it's not finished :mad::(
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,068
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    boring

    You joined in 2007 and that is your first post!? :confused:
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 268
    Forum Member
    it just feels a little bland. no imagery at all. and the dialogue's a bit OoC.

    Sorry. Maybe you should develop this as a short story??
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 523
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    You joined in 2007 and that is your first post!? :confused:

    He's a time traveller...
  • BaileyBigIdiotBaileyBigIdiot Posts: 4,614
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    Scene 1

    Interior TARDIS:

    The Doctor is racing around the Tardis pushing every button he can, Amy stands by the doors of the TARDIS with an expression of bewilderment as she watches the Doctor.

    Amy: Doctor... what are you doing?

    Doctor: Well... what i am trying... to do...

    The Doctor slams his hand on the TARDIS console and looks over at Amy with a massive smile on his face and walks over to her.

    Doctor: Amy Pond you were a Scottish girl brought up in an English village well here's they future of your home country, the year is 2174 and Scotland is protected under the Pollution Act 23.

    Amy opens the Tardis doors and stands out of the TARDIS by the edge of a small river but noything is right.

    Amy: is this it?

    The Doctor: Somethings wrong, so very wrong. Where are the hundred mile forests and fields of the greenest grass.

    The Doctor and Amy look onto a ground of dead plants and a grey sky.

    Amy: This is my "home countries" future its just an episode of Eastender is less depressing than this.

    The Doctor: I know its not right, everything is just not meant to look like this and what is that smell its like rotten eggs.

    Amy: I think its sulpher.

    The Doctor and Amy begin to walk on but as they get further from the TARDIS the ground starts to shake, the river starts fill with more water.

    Amy: is it an earthquake

    The Doctor: it shouldnt be, look at the river Amy its swelling.

    Amy then looks behind and a massive wave of water is heading towards them.

    Amy: Doctor look!

    The Doctor turns and sees the massive wave, he grabs Amy's arm and runs to the TARDIS, The Doctor and Amy run inside but just as they close the doors the wave smashes into the TARDIS.

    Title sequence
  • ilovedrwho123ilovedrwho123 Posts: 394
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    i know a lot of you are finding it borind but you may like this bit.:(:mad:cry::cry::cry::cry::(

    Amy: ok

    Sarah: theirs a chip shop over there

    Dr: let’s go
    Set 4
    They silently stroll to the chip shop and fix k9 but lurking for Amy

    K9: master this machine is no fully working

    DR: cyberman time

    They all start to walk back to the hill

    Amy: ahhhhh

    DR: (turning around and looking at Sarah) where’s Amy…

    tittle sequence:p:eek
  • ilovedrwho123ilovedrwho123 Posts: 394
    Forum Member
    i know a lot of you are finding it borind but you may like this bit.:(:mad:cry::cry::cry::cry::(

    Amy: ok

    Sarah: theirs a chip shop over there

    Dr: let’s go

    Set 4
    They silently stroll to the chip shop and fix k9 but lurking for Amy

    K9: master this machine is no fully working

    DR: cyberman time

    They all start to walk back to the hill

    Amy: ahhhhh

    DR: (turning around and looking at Sarah) where’s Amy…

    tittle sequence:p:eek
  • ilovedrwho123ilovedrwho123 Posts: 394
    Forum Member
    i know a lot of you are finding it borind but you may like this bit.:(:mad:cry::cry::cry::cry::(

    Amy: ok

    Sarah: theirs a chip shop over there

    Dr: let’s go

    Set 4
    They silently stroll to the chip shop and fix k9 but lurking for Amy

    K9: master this machine is no fully working

    DR: cyberman time

    They all start to walk back to the hill

    Amy: ahhhhh

    DR: (turning around and looking at Sarah) where’s Amy…

    tittle sequence:p:eek

    hello now its intresting
  • johnnysaucepnjohnnysaucepn Posts: 6,775
    Forum Member
    DR: cyberman time

    This line should definitely be in the real series. "Hey guys! Cyberman time!"
  • sebbie3000sebbie3000 Posts: 5,188
    Forum Member
    here it is

    Set 1
    Inside the TARDIS
    The doctor and Amy are planning on were to go.

    Dr: (looking at Amy) so were do you want to go this time back in time, forward in time, a planet or a spaceship.

    Amy: a planet.

    Dr: ok Amy. Just setting the tardis for the planet… waked.

    Amy: (confused) not sure about what planet you mean. But ok.

    Dr: it’s a really calm planet

    The Dr sets the tardis for waked and lands it.

    Set 2
    The doctor has landed and they start exploring the planet.

    Dr: Amy the planet a waits.

    Amy: ok lets go then

    Walks out he tardis

    Dr: oh…

    Amy: …it’s beautiful. Oh thank you doctor

    Dr: yes it is

    Start walking

    Amy: it looks like an alien Dr what is it

    Dr: (excitedly) its k9 a tin dogs so Sarah Jane must be here an old companion of mine

    Amy: (sacristy) oh great

    Dr: oh Amy lets go and at lest meet her

    Amy: ok

    Set 3
    The doctor and Amy meet Sarah and an alien

    Dr and Amy: Hello Sarah Jane

    Sarah Jane: hello who are you and how do you know me.

    Dr: oh yeah new face. I’m the doctor and this is my new companion Amy

    Sarah: Doctor! Like your face but why did you come to me at Christmas and hello Amy?

    Amy: hello Sarah Jane

    Dr: hi thanks and the reason I came to you at Christmas maybe (points at face) what I look like gives you a clue

    K9: master

    Dr: Hi k9 any way how did you get to the planet waked and what are you doing here

    Sarah: I’m not on the planet waked you on earth and I trying to defeat some cybermen

    Amy: Dr you promised me a planet that wasn’t earth.

    Dr: I know and cybermen do you want any help

    Sarah: ok and Amy you can help too

    Dr and Amy: thanks

    K9: batteries running o…

    Sarah and Dr: I think we need to fix k9

    Amy: ok


    :cool::):yawn::D:D:D

    Okay, I shall skim over the obvious critcisms - the spelling and grammar mistakes - and get to the actual structural critiques...

    Not wanting to sound mean or harsh, I shall endeavour to make it as constructive as possible:

    When writing for established characters, familiar to the general populace, you must make sure you retain the characters' voices (characterisation, vocal mannerisms, speech patterns). Unfortunately, there is none of that included in your dialohue, so it is ultimately flat. You need to try to write believeable dialogue between them, using your knowledge of the conversations they have had in the episodes you have seen, and also the back stories of each of the characters. This rich tapestry should allow you to write convincing conversation.

    Now for the settings - with script writing, you still need to let the reader know exactly where they are. You need to add some detail about their surroundings, if there is any action going on around them, and what they may have been doing just before we catch up with them... But not too much detail (as directors prefer to flesh things out themselves with the minutiae).

    Finally, the action and the story itself. You need some kind of suspense to draw the viewer in. There isn't really any in yours, up to the point that Amy screams, and then (I am assuming) disappears. There is nothing to grab hold of the viewer/reader's attention and keep it from wandering. There has to be plotting issues - ie: the pace of the story. You might have heard or read that people feel a Doctor Who episode lagged in the second act - basically, this is because not a lot happened, so the action slowed down. This can be good for a story, or bad, it really does depend on what you expect the viewers/readers to get from it. Make sure you don't spread the source material too thinly, or bunch a rich story up with too much dialogue. One of the easiest mistakes to make is having a well structured story up until the final reel of the third act, and then try to messily conclude it, or use a deus ex machina where something not seen or heard of before suddenly saves them all (which has been used in Doctor Who through everyone's tenure, not just RTD's, except for Moffats' - thus far!). Steer clear of these if you can!

    I assume you had actually worked out the full story - the beginning, the middle and the end - before you started this? If not, might I suggest a template for it (there are really only 8 stories to tell, and some scholars will tell you they can be boiled down further to only 4): the classic 'whodunnit' would probably suffice. You need a 'whom', a 'how' and most importantly, an absolute 'why' - one that can be arrived at through faultless logic.

    If I were you, I would rewrite the stuff you already have to add the 'zing' it really requires.

    I hope you don't think I'm being unkind, it's just that I found it difficult to read and would love for you to get better at writing it, so that I might read it comfortably!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,151
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    This line should definitely be in the real series. "Hey guys! Cyberman time!"

    Cue Cybermen dancing to MC Hammer.

    Can't touch this...
  • CoalHillJanitorCoalHillJanitor Posts: 15,634
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