Has anyone ever really asked, or been asked by, a near or total stranger why they dont have kids? And asked in a normal conversational way, not as part of a discussion that naturally led to that question? I daresay there's a few nosy sods with no social boundaries who will cheerfully ask you with no shame how much you earn or what your favourite sexual position is, but I don't believe asking why a stranger doesn't have kids is part of the vast majority of people's habits.
Have to say I agree with you - I've never been asked why I do not have kids, - if anything it is the opposite - sometimes I broach the subject myself just to clear the air.
The most intrusive thing anyone has said to me is along the lines of 'oh, you are sensible not having kids' - a bit nosey, but it at least gives me a chance to say I would have liked to, but couldn't - I honestly do not mind confiding that, because it is the truth, and a way of moving on when getting to know someone.
It is all subjective though - YOU feel a certain way. Other people may feel a similar (not exactly the same) way about someone, or not.
People don't all feel exactly the same about the same things.
I am sure if I was a father I would feel a certain way about my children, but I don't want to be a father. The feeling of not wanting to be a father for me, overrides any potential feelings I might experience were I to be a father.
I do get that people with children might find it hard to understand that some people don't want children but the assumption that child free people cannot feel unconditional love or a bond towards someone else is completely wrong.
100% agree with everything you say.
Not only is it completely wrong it's also incredibly insulting. How dare someone categorically state that the love and emotions I experience in my life are worth less than that of a parent and child? How dare someone else categorically state that I am incapable of pure, unconditional love? They know nothing about me, and nothing about my relationships or my ability to experience emotion.
All they are really saying there is that THEY were incapable of such emotions until they have children, which frankly is pretty sad for them. Many, many people are capable of experience pure, unconditional love towards people who are not their offspring and if anything, all these parents are doing is showing themselves up as incapable of it themselves.
I also think, actually, that some of the parents on here who like to come out with such wild statements might consider being a little more tactful as they do not realise that some readers may find their assumptions very hurtful. How do they think that someone who hasn't had that kind of unconditional love from their parents feels when they read that ALL parents MUST feel that way about their children without fail? They would probably be left feeling very hurt and wondering just what is wrong with them that they did not receive this apparently universal parental affection. It is offensive, also, to parents who may not feel this way about their children, as they will be left feeling ashamed and guilty, perhaps, that their parental devotion is not up to scratch.
Thing is there are loads of things in life which people may regret not doing but some of those may also be restricted by having children. I could equally argue the point that staying in all the time changing nappies doesn't outweigh the joys of being free to do what you want or go off travelling the world etc. and being able to go out when you want without having to think about babysitting not to mention the expense and the stress of being a parent. Not everybody is 'missing out' just because they don't want kids.
My o/h (funnily enough I don't recall being asked the question) is often asked if she has children and when she replies that she doesn't, is asked why.
What I want to know is why people think they have the right to ask such a personal question!
Yep, we get that too. I'm 40 and my husband is 43, and people always ask why we didn't have children. We respond truthfully and say that we just never wanted them, and I'm always amazed how many people assume that there must have been some physical reason why we couldn't have children, or they tell us that we'll regret not having any. Makes me quite annoyed really. Who the heck are people to assume our reasons for doing anything, or to tell us (as if they are the font of all knowledge) that we will regret it?!
I do wonder if people who say that you will regret not having any kids say it to people who can't have kids. It just strikes me as an incredibly insensitive thing to say, regardless of who you are saying it to.
Yep, we get that too. I'm 40 and my husband is 43, and people always ask why we didn't have children. We respond truthfully and say that we just never wanted them, and I'm always amazed how many people assume that there must have been some physical reason why we couldn't have children, or they tell us that we'll regret not having any. Makes me quite annoyed really. Who the heck are people to assume our reasons for doing anything, or to tell us (as if they are the font of all knowledge) that we will regret it?!
You see I'm in my 20s so when people tell me I will change my mind later I accept that they might have a point, even if they are being rather presumptuous in stating it as a certainty.
But surely if you haven't changed your mind by the time you hit your 40s, chances are you're not going to?
I do wonder if people who say that you will regret not having any kids say it to people who can't have kids. It just strikes me as an incredibly insensitive thing to say, regardless of who you are saying it to.
Not only is it insensitive, but it's incredibly naive and patronising. It's as if they think they know your mind better than you do.
It also ignores the fact that you could still regret your decision later if you did have children, as some people do.
I do wonder if people who say that you will regret not having any kids say it to people who can't have kids. It just strikes me as an incredibly insensitive thing to say, regardless of who you are saying it to.
Its something I would never say to someone about kids, I mean, how do I know their private life, they could be giving the same false responses as me.
Thing is there are loads of things in life which people may regret not doing but some of those may also be restricted by having children. I could equally argue the point that staying in all the time changing nappies doesn't outweigh the joys of being free to do what you want or go off travelling the world etc. and being able to go out when you want without having to think about babysitting not to mention the expense and the stress of being a parent. Not everybody is 'missing out' just because they don't want kids.
Nappies aren't forever though, and neither are the restrictions placed on your freedom. As long as you have financial means, you do start to get your life back again when the kids reach 11 or so, because they can start to be left alone whilst you go out.
I get it, I get it completely. I am selfish because I want to put my enjoyment and needs first. What I should be doing is changing the course of my life for good, so that I can no longer do the things I want in life.... just so I do not appear selfish to people who I have no concern for.
I am selfish and I do not care a tit that I am. My life is for me to live and I will be as selfish as I damned well like with it.
By the same token you could give reasons why it is selfish to have children, but that wouldn't give you* the right to criticise anyone who made that choice. Thus, when people do pass judgement for other's breeding choices, either way, they are being out of order.
*As in a general you, not you specifically ladymoanalot.
Interesting thread.The world is already overpopulated and we all have the right to choose our life course. So if you know you dont want a kid and the responsibilities involved, then dont have any. Its unfair on you and very unfair on any child. . Children should be born into families where they are wanted .
Myself, had 3 now bringing up 3 more. Bringing another human into the world is a big decision and is expensive and time consuming. It takes a certain mindset and character type to raise kids. I laud people who are self aware enough to desist from having them. If only more people were as aware.
I love them myself and find them endlessly interesting. But I realise many don't feel this way. Each to their own.
The truth is that having a child is seriously tough and if you get a difficult child, it's even harder.
Yes, it's wonderful too but I totally respect those who are brave enough to say 'it's not for me'.
One of my childless friends says she loves speaking to me as I'm the only one who says 'for gods sake, don't do it'.
I've never wanted kids, never been maternal. I got irritated when a friend who had just had a baby was trying to tell me that I should have a baby as I'd make a 'good mother'
I said ' I've just told you I'm not maternal & don't want kids, at the same time if someone said they didn't like dogs would you tell them they'd make a good dog owner?'.
I later found out she gave the baby up as she couldn't cope with it.:(
Can I hazard a guess at the people asking these questions to be considerably older than yourself?
Hm...not necessarily. Maybe elderly people think more along the old fashioned line that it's normal and expected to have children when you're female, but the occasional resentful/jealous remarks I have received along the years have mainly been from mums with young children.
People who stare and frown at you, as if saying "What is wrong with you, what do you mean you're not joining the club and you don't want kids?"
Nowadays I just shrug and laugh. No, I don't want kids and I never did. The mere idea exhausts me. I can't even stand the smell of babies, so I guess that tells me all I need to know about my total lack of any baby-want!
I'm 23 and definitely don't want kids. I don't think I could cope with them. People keep telling me I'll change my mind, but I know I won't. Talk about patronising :rolleyes:
Hm...not necessarily. Maybe elderly people think more along the old fashioned line that it's normal and expected to have children when you're female, but the occasional resentful/jealous remarks I have received along the years have mainly been from mums with young children.
People who stare and frown at you, as if saying "What is wrong with you, what do you mean you're not joining the club and you don't want kids?"
Nowadays I just shrug and laugh. No, I don't want kids and I never did. The mere idea exhausts me. I can't even stand the smell of babies, so I guess that tells me all I need to know about my total lack of any baby-want!
Your username makes me laugh, given this topic and all
What's the best way to deal with people who wont take a simple no for an answer who say things like, 'you can't just have the one' then bang on about how an only child is a lonely child bollox. Sometimes I try to bite my lip and don't want to make excuses but short of upsetting these people and saying, 'why don't you just butt out and mind your own business' I'm really not sure how to put people in their place as no matter what I say they just come back with more excuses why we should have more kids. It's just so God damn personal and our decision is final so why don't these people just shut up and and respect your wishes instead of trying to inflict their unwanted opinions on you.
To be honest, after seeing a family member bury a 6 day old child I worry about even asking people if they have kids, I know it's a rare occurrence what happened to them but you wonder how they'd react to the question "Do you have children? "
I've never wanted kids, never been maternal. I got irritated when a friend who had just had a baby was trying to tell me that I should have a baby as I'd make a 'good mother'
I said ' I've just told you I'm not maternal & don't want kids, at the same time if someone said they didn't like dogs would you tell them they'd make a good dog owner?'.
I later found out she gave the baby up as she couldn't cope with it.:(
I get this loads. Mainly from people who have never seen me interact with children. If they had, they would not be remarking on me making a good mother. I am awful with kids.
One woman though asked why not and told me she was sad I would "never have a complete life without experiencing the joy of children" - her exact words.:rolleyes:
It's a shame you couldn't use your exact words, as it was a customer I presume, namely 'go and eff yourself'.
Me neither. I guess the approach is that you are depriving your parents of the joy of grandchildren.
I wasn't given the choice in being born, so on that basis alone I don't feel the need to breed, just so my dad has grandchildren. Luckily, he's not too bothered about it.
I think that midwives who have actually given birth are more sympathetic than the ones who haven't. I happened to encounter some old biddy who when I complained about the pain said I was making a fuss. I then asked her if she had children and she replied no, so I then said "Well how on earth would you know what pain I am experiencing?"
Comments
You yourself cannot help being born of course.
The people doing the "breeding" can decide whether the action produces a child or not. (obviously not in all cases).
Have to say I agree with you - I've never been asked why I do not have kids, - if anything it is the opposite - sometimes I broach the subject myself just to clear the air.
The most intrusive thing anyone has said to me is along the lines of 'oh, you are sensible not having kids' - a bit nosey, but it at least gives me a chance to say I would have liked to, but couldn't - I honestly do not mind confiding that, because it is the truth, and a way of moving on when getting to know someone.
100% agree with everything you say.
Not only is it completely wrong it's also incredibly insulting. How dare someone categorically state that the love and emotions I experience in my life are worth less than that of a parent and child? How dare someone else categorically state that I am incapable of pure, unconditional love? They know nothing about me, and nothing about my relationships or my ability to experience emotion.
All they are really saying there is that THEY were incapable of such emotions until they have children, which frankly is pretty sad for them. Many, many people are capable of experience pure, unconditional love towards people who are not their offspring and if anything, all these parents are doing is showing themselves up as incapable of it themselves.
I also think, actually, that some of the parents on here who like to come out with such wild statements might consider being a little more tactful as they do not realise that some readers may find their assumptions very hurtful. How do they think that someone who hasn't had that kind of unconditional love from their parents feels when they read that ALL parents MUST feel that way about their children without fail? They would probably be left feeling very hurt and wondering just what is wrong with them that they did not receive this apparently universal parental affection. It is offensive, also, to parents who may not feel this way about their children, as they will be left feeling ashamed and guilty, perhaps, that their parental devotion is not up to scratch.
Yep, we get that too. I'm 40 and my husband is 43, and people always ask why we didn't have children. We respond truthfully and say that we just never wanted them, and I'm always amazed how many people assume that there must have been some physical reason why we couldn't have children, or they tell us that we'll regret not having any. Makes me quite annoyed really. Who the heck are people to assume our reasons for doing anything, or to tell us (as if they are the font of all knowledge) that we will regret it?!
You see I'm in my 20s so when people tell me I will change my mind later I accept that they might have a point, even if they are being rather presumptuous in stating it as a certainty.
But surely if you haven't changed your mind by the time you hit your 40s, chances are you're not going to?
People are strange.
Not only is it insensitive, but it's incredibly naive and patronising. It's as if they think they know your mind better than you do.
It also ignores the fact that you could still regret your decision later if you did have children, as some people do.
Its something I would never say to someone about kids, I mean, how do I know their private life, they could be giving the same false responses as me.
Nappies aren't forever though, and neither are the restrictions placed on your freedom. As long as you have financial means, you do start to get your life back again when the kids reach 11 or so, because they can start to be left alone whilst you go out.
By the same token you could give reasons why it is selfish to have children, but that wouldn't give you* the right to criticise anyone who made that choice. Thus, when people do pass judgement for other's breeding choices, either way, they are being out of order.
*As in a general you, not you specifically ladymoanalot.
Myself, had 3 now bringing up 3 more. Bringing another human into the world is a big decision and is expensive and time consuming. It takes a certain mindset and character type to raise kids. I laud people who are self aware enough to desist from having them. If only more people were as aware.
I love them myself and find them endlessly interesting. But I realise many don't feel this way. Each to their own.
Yes, it's wonderful too but I totally respect those who are brave enough to say 'it's not for me'.
One of my childless friends says she loves speaking to me as I'm the only one who says 'for gods sake, don't do it'.
I said ' I've just told you I'm not maternal & don't want kids, at the same time if someone said they didn't like dogs would you tell them they'd make a good dog owner?'.
I later found out she gave the baby up as she couldn't cope with it.:(
Hm...not necessarily. Maybe elderly people think more along the old fashioned line that it's normal and expected to have children when you're female, but the occasional resentful/jealous remarks I have received along the years have mainly been from mums with young children.
People who stare and frown at you, as if saying "What is wrong with you, what do you mean you're not joining the club and you don't want kids?"
Nowadays I just shrug and laugh. No, I don't want kids and I never did. The mere idea exhausts me. I can't even stand the smell of babies, so I guess that tells me all I need to know about my total lack of any baby-want!
same story with me, I've been asked a few times over the years and I've given the same response.
Your username makes me laugh, given this topic and all
Lolll I was just thinking that!! Talk about making a statement.
If I hadn't been born, it wouldn't have bothered me.
I get this loads. Mainly from people who have never seen me interact with children. If they had, they would not be remarking on me making a good mother. I am awful with kids.
Tad harsh there, don't you think, as you don't know the full situation.
It's a shame you couldn't use your exact words, as it was a customer I presume, namely 'go and eff yourself'.
I wasn't given the choice in being born, so on that basis alone I don't feel the need to breed, just so my dad has grandchildren. Luckily, he's not too bothered about it.