It's a bit of a PITA my shyness is so crippling, I've been here before!
I know I've got to make the change, but when faced with an opportunity to do so it doesn't seem like such a great idea! I like guarantees, sadly this is one situation that doesn't include those!
Next year, ladies and gents, I'm going to enter the Le Mans 24 hour race in a Fisher Price 'My first pedal car', because frankly, I'd stand a better chance of winning that than getting anywhere with this girl now.
She turned up at a party recently with a nice present for me; her boyfriend.
It was literally one of those 'dagger in the heart' moments, I was absolutely devastated. I genuinely thought that she was my soulmate, or certainly very close. I got so flustered I couldn't really concentrate on the party so I left about an hour in.
I think the boyfriend himself doesn't surprise me, she's bright, attractive and personable, you'd be mad not to see that. What does surprise me is in the 6/7 months I've known her, she's never ever mentioned him.
Working something out last night it dawned on me that she has mentioned him before, just not as her 'boyfriend'. She's always used phrases like 'someone I know' or 'my friend' etc etc. Now I literally have no idea why she would do this. I considered the possibility that she knows I like her and didn't want to, ahem, break my heart (:o), but then I was going to (and have) found out anway?
I don't think I'll ever get my head around this, I really don't. I will get over it in time, of course I will, but I'll never understand it!
Next year, ladies and gents, I'm going to enter the Le Mans 24 hour race in a Fisher Price 'My first pedal car', because frankly, I'd stand a better chance of winning that than getting anywhere with this girl now.
She turned up at a party recently with a nice present for me; her boyfriend.
It was literally one of those 'dagger in the heart' moments, I was absolutely devastated. I genuinely thought that she was my soulmate, or certainly very close. I got so flustered I couldn't really concentrate on the party so I left about an hour in.
I think the boyfriend himself doesn't surprise me, she's bright, attractive and personable, you'd be mad not to see that. What does surprise me is in the 6/7 months I've known her, she's never ever mentioned him.
Working something out last night it dawned on me that she has mentioned him before, just not as her 'boyfriend'. She's always used phrases like 'someone I know' or 'my friend' etc etc. Now I literally have no idea why she would do this. I considered the possibility that she knows I like her and didn't want to, ahem, break my heart (:o), but then I was going to (and have) found out anway?
I don't think I'll ever get my head around this, I really don't. I will get over it in time, of course I will, but I'll never understand it!
MM, from reading your opriginal post, it seems like you are exactly the same as I was when I was your age. If I liked a girl it took me ages to work up the confidence to ask her out; if she said 'no' I was absolutely gutted. Believe me, it gets easier to ask a girl out (and still be friends with her even if she says no); have a bit more confidence in yourself. I know this is easier said than done (believe me, I know, I've been there!), but it truly truly helps.
You thought this girl was your soulmate: you allowed yourself to become too committed to this girl before you even knew where you stood with her. I know it hurts, but you can't allow yourself to dwell on her. You wren't expecting her to bring someone, so you were in shock, but time is a great healer. MOve on, and in future, don't allow yourself to build a girl up in your head as 'the one' until you know if you have a chance. Thinking of someone as your soulmate before you even ask her out is only going to lead to hurt and pain for you.
She's never mentioned him before (as her boyfriend, but she has referred to a friend) - you know her from work, am I right? Maybe she wants to keep her private and work life separate? Many people do this, and it's not unusual.
Don't think that she knew how you felt and was just messing with your feelings. If you allow yourself to think that, you'll end up resenting her, and this will make your life (particularly work if she's there) unpleasent unnecessarily. Forget about pursuing romance with this girl, and instead be her friend - one of my best friends got married recently. I asked her out 10 years ago and she turned me down; it hurt, but I knew it would be better to have a great friend than to resent her. My life is better for knowing her and for being her friend; she and her husband are very happy together and I'm very happy for them.
Time heals. Look to the future and what will be, not on the past and on what hurts.
MM, from reading your opriginal post, it seems like you are exactly the same as I was when I was your age. If I liked a girl it took me ages to work up the confidence to ask her out; if she said 'no' I was absolutely gutted. Believe me, it gets easier to ask a girl out (and still be friends with her even if she says no); have a bit more confidence in yourself. I know this is easier said than done (believe me, I know, I've been there!), but it truly truly helps.
You thought this girl was your soulmate: you allowed yourself to become too committed to this girl before you even knew where you stood with her. I know it hurts, but you can't allow yourself to dwell on her. You wren't expecting her to bring someone, so you were in shock, but time is a great healer. MOve on, and in future, don't allow yourself to build a girl up in your head as 'the one' until you know if you have a chance. Thinking of someone as your soulmate before you even ask her out is only going to lead to hurt and pain for you.
She's never mentioned him before (as her boyfriend, but she has referred to a friend) - you know her from work, am I right? Maybe she wants to keep her private and work life separate? Many people do this, and it's not unusual.
Don't think that she knew how you felt and was just messing with your feelings. If you allow yourself to think that, you'll end up resenting her, and this will make your life (particularly work if she's there) unpleasent unnecessarily. Forget about pursuing romance with this girl, and instead be her friend - one of my best friends got married recently. I asked her out 10 years ago and she turned me down; it hurt, but I knew it would be better to have a great friend than to resent her. My life is better for knowing her and for being her friend; she and her husband are very happy together and I'm very happy for them.
Time heals. Look to the future and what will be, not on the past and on what hurts.
KA27
Thank you for that, that's a really nice response!
I should add, it was actually a work party she brought him to, so she wasn't really keeping him a very good secret.
Whilst it kills me to think there is no chance with her, we get on so well it would be a travesty to lose her friendship. Plus, I do have to work with her too, and she's not dim, she'll know why I'm quieter than normal if I stop speaking to her as much.
What does surprise me is in the 6/7 months I've known her, she's never ever mentioned him.
Working something out last night it dawned on me that she has mentioned him before, just not as her 'boyfriend'. She's always used phrases like 'someone I know' or 'my friend' etc etc. Now I literally have no idea why she would do this.
I have been on both the receiving and giving side of this behaviour, ashamed as I am to admit the latter. For what it's worth, when I was on the giving side, the reason I didn't mention my boyfriend was partly that people didn't generally discuss personal lives in the workplace in that company. And partly, I was actully attracted to the co-worker and it just never seemed the right time to drop that mention into the discussion. I don';t know if it had any effect on him or even if he fancied me but he basically dropped off the face of the earth when I finally came clean so I suspect he was not happy. I screwed up with that.
The other thing is that you can all too easily get yourself into a position when you're friendly with someone, and there's a hint of flirtation, that even a casual mention of 'my boyfriend' starts to feel like the equivalent of turning up at work with a sign saying 'Don't Get Any Ideas'. If the other person hasn't made a pass then it just seems totally presumptuous - it's as if you are saying 'back off' but there's nothing to back off from.
It really is a lot easier if people make themselves clear up front but sadly it doesn't always happen. You may never know why not and you shouldn't be tempted to ask her. Keep it warm and friendly but professional. It hurts but you can and will survive this.
Hang on a sec, are you sure that he's her boyfriend? Did she actually say "he's my boyfriend" or kiss him? I go to places all the time arm in arm with male friends but that doesn't make them my boyfriend.
I have been on both the receiving and giving side of this behaviour, ashamed as I am to admit the latter. For what it's worth, when I was on the giving side, the reason I didn't mention my boyfriend was partly that people didn't generally discuss personal lives in the workplace in that company. And partly, I was actully attracted to the co-worker and it just never seemed the right time to drop that mention into the discussion. I don';t know if it had any effect on him or even if he fancied me but he basically dropped off the face of the earth when I finally came clean so I suspect he was not happy. I screwed up with that.
The other thing is that you can all too easily get yourself into a position when you're friendly with someone, and there's a hint of flirtation, that even a casual mention of 'my boyfriend' starts to feel like the equivalent of turning up at work with a sign saying 'Don't Get Any Ideas'. If the other person hasn't made a pass then it just seems totally presumptuous - it's as if you are saying 'back off' but there's nothing to back off from.
It really is a lot easier if people make themselves clear up front but sadly it doesn't always happen. You may never know why not and you shouldn't be tempted to ask her. Keep it warm and friendly but professional. It hurts but you can and will survive this.
Interesting, thanks for that. I don't actually disagree with what she did, it just seemed a bit weird that was all. Even if she thought of me as just a friend she wouldn't need to cover it up, surely?
I'd love to believe that bit in bold applies to my case though...:o
Hang on a sec, are you sure that he's her boyfriend? Did she actually say "he's my boyfriend" or kiss him? I go to places all the time arm in arm with male friends but that doesn't make them my boyfriend.
I'm about 99% sure Psych. I didn't like to stare, however he did stand with his arm around her waist (possibly lower, again, no staring makes it hard to tell) most of the evening. They also sat on the steps outside the venue for a significant time, where I'm fairly certain they were 'nuzzling', that about as best I can put it. Whilst I didn't directly see them kiss, I can't beleive they weren't together from the impression they were giving off.
I'm 22 yrs old and really fancied this 45 yr old woman at work. I kept thinking that I was too young for her, she wouldn't be interested, but then thought, why not, nothing to lose, so I asked her and she said yes! age difference doesn't matter!
I dont have the "gift of the gab" - I dont come out, with all the chat-up lines, e.t.c...
I'm shy, I always have been.
I'm ok if I know the person a little bit, but I just cannot strike up chats with strangers.
I don't have the 'gift' either. It takes a certain cheeky 'swagger' to successfully use chat-up lines; I'm totally devoid of it! I am also a lot shyer than people think. However, I have this mantra that I repeat to myself in my head, it goes 'Nothing to lose, plenty to gain'. Instead on mravado and posturing, I try to find mutual ground and strike up a conversation on those grounds.
I'll put in into context. A few years ago I went to a newsagents to pre-order a book; at the same time a woman (about my age) came in looking to pre-order the same book. The owner went off looking for the order book, and the two of us were left standing around a small and empty shop. I liked the look of her, so I repeated the mantra a few times, and then asked her if she'd read anything else by the author. We got talking, ended up grabbing a cup of coffee together, swapped numbers, and were together for 3 years. Some of the best times of my life occurred with her; if I hadn't gathered the nerve to make the 'first move' (for want of a better phrase) i'd possibly never have seen her again.
There's a time and a place for cheesy chat-up lines, and if you're not the type of person who can use them you end up feeling stupider than the lines themselves! You'll find yourself in random situations where it's possible to make some sort of opening comment, it's all about judging the environment and building up the nerve to do so. And even if it doesn't go anywhere, you've still been brave enough to at least try and your confidence will grow bit by bit.
I still get shy and nervous; I think I always will. For me, there nothing worse than the pressure I put myself under before making any sort of move; those few seconds or minutes feel like hours, and I just want to throw up (not attractive!) However, if I don't at least try, I'll never know.
I don't have the 'gift' either. It takes a certain cheeky 'swagger' to successfully use chat-up lines; I'm totally devoid of it! I am also a lot shyer than people think. However, I have this mantra that I repeat to myself in my head, it goes 'Nothing to lose, plenty to gain'. Instead on mravado and posturing, I try to find mutual ground and strike up a conversation on those grounds.
I'll put in into context. A few years ago I went to a newsagents to pre-order a book; at the same time a woman (about my age) came in looking to pre-order the same book. The owner went off looking for the order book, and the two of us were left standing around a small and empty shop. I liked the look of her, so I repeated the mantra a few times, and then asked her if she'd read anything else by the author. We got talking, ended up grabbing a cup of coffee together, swapped numbers, and were together for 3 years. Some of the best times of my life occurred with her; if I hadn't gathered the nerve to make the 'first move' (for want of a better phrase) i'd possibly never have seen her again.
There's a time and a place for cheesy chat-up lines, and if you're not the type of person who can use them you end up feeling stupider than the lines themselves! You'll find yourself in random situations where it's possible to make some sort of opening comment, it's all about judging the environment and building up the nerve to do so. And even if it doesn't go anywhere, you've still been brave enough to at least try and your confidence will grow bit by bit.
I still get shy and nervous; I think I always will. For me, there nothing worse than the pressure I put myself under before making any sort of move; those few seconds or minutes feel like hours, and I just want to throw up (not attractive!) However, if I don't at least try, I'll never know.
Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can!
Thanks, that is a good post.
the basic problem with me is, if I ask a woman out on a date/coffee whatever, I'm so paranoid of the response I may get.
because u dont know what response you will get - you could get a slap in the face (unlikely I know) but it could happen, or she may have a boyfriend waiting for u around the corner.
But you would have found out much earlier and moved on with your life.
Would you rather have found out five days ago, or five months ago?
To have found out 5 months ago, then I would have had to ask her out, meaning I would have been rejected (because of the boyf) and looked a bit of a fool.
I don't have the 'gift' either. It takes a certain cheeky 'swagger' to successfully use chat-up lines; I'm totally devoid of it! I am also a lot shyer than people think. However, I have this mantra that I repeat to myself in my head, it goes 'Nothing to lose, plenty to gain'. Instead on mravado and posturing, I try to find mutual ground and strike up a conversation on those grounds.
I'll put in into context. A few years ago I went to a newsagents to pre-order a book; at the same time a woman (about my age) came in looking to pre-order the same book. The owner went off looking for the order book, and the two of us were left standing around a small and empty shop. I liked the look of her, so I repeated the mantra a few times, and then asked her if she'd read anything else by the author. We got talking, ended up grabbing a cup of coffee together, swapped numbers, and were together for 3 years. Some of the best times of my life occurred with her; if I hadn't gathered the nerve to make the 'first move' (for want of a better phrase) i'd possibly never have seen her again.
There's a time and a place for cheesy chat-up lines, and if you're not the type of person who can use them you end up feeling stupider than the lines themselves! You'll find yourself in random situations where it's possible to make some sort of opening comment, it's all about judging the environment and building up the nerve to do so. And even if it doesn't go anywhere, you've still been brave enough to at least try and your confidence will grow bit by bit.
I still get shy and nervous; I think I always will. For me, there nothing worse than the pressure I put myself under before making any sort of move; those few seconds or minutes feel like hours, and I just want to throw up (not attractive!) However, if I don't at least try, I'll never know.
Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can!
Thanks again KA27, your contribution to this thread has been rather marvellous!
Again, I can really relate to what you have said, very similar to how I feel/think.
Someone once said to me 'never apologise for being who you are', and whilst it was a nice thing to say, and made me feel good, sometimes, I do wish I was someone different.
the basic problem with me is, if I ask a woman out on a date/coffee whatever, I'm so paranoid of the response I may get.
because u dont know what response you will get - you could get a slap in the face (unlikely I know) but it could happen, or she may have a boyfriend waiting for u around the corner.
it's what response the female gives, that I fear.
True, you might get a slap, or there might be a boyfriend around the corner. On the other hand, she might say yes. Getting over the fear/paranoia is the only way you'll ever find out.
Try this if you really can't bear the thought of asking a girl out fear. Try just making small talk. Nothing too heavy - if you're in somewhere like HMV and you happen to be browsing the DVDs, ask a girl nearby if she would recommend anything. Same goes for music, or books, computer games, whatever. She might say no and dismiss you, she might point something out and move on; she might ask what you're interested in and make a recommendation, you might find common ground and one thing will lead to another. (see my earlier post about the book)
You never know what reaction you'll get. Don't go into it expecting to get a date, just hope to make a connection with another person. You might get a date at the end of it, you might not. You'll never know if you don't try.
Someone once said to me 'never apologise for being who you are', and whilst it was a nice thing to say, and made me feel good, sometimes, I do wish I was someone different.
Everyone finds themself wishing they were someone else. I've lost count of the amount of times I wish I was my brother (who is the polar opposite of me)! Thing is, you have strengths and values that other people wish they had. Think about what those are, and you'll soon realise that 'You know what? There's a part of me that's pretty damn great.'
Comments
It's a bit of a PITA my shyness is so crippling, I've been here before!
I know I've got to make the change, but when faced with an opportunity to do so it doesn't seem like such a great idea!
It will happen eventually. I hope.
She turned up at a party recently with a nice present for me; her boyfriend.
It was literally one of those 'dagger in the heart' moments, I was absolutely devastated. I genuinely thought that she was my soulmate, or certainly very close. I got so flustered I couldn't really concentrate on the party so I left about an hour in.
I think the boyfriend himself doesn't surprise me, she's bright, attractive and personable, you'd be mad not to see that. What does surprise me is in the 6/7 months I've known her, she's never ever mentioned him.
Working something out last night it dawned on me that she has mentioned him before, just not as her 'boyfriend'. She's always used phrases like 'someone I know' or 'my friend' etc etc. Now I literally have no idea why she would do this. I considered the possibility that she knows I like her and didn't want to, ahem, break my heart (:o), but then I was going to (and have) found out anway?
I don't think I'll ever get my head around this, I really don't. I will get over it in time, of course I will, but I'll never understand it!
MM, from reading your opriginal post, it seems like you are exactly the same as I was when I was your age. If I liked a girl it took me ages to work up the confidence to ask her out; if she said 'no' I was absolutely gutted. Believe me, it gets easier to ask a girl out (and still be friends with her even if she says no); have a bit more confidence in yourself. I know this is easier said than done (believe me, I know, I've been there!), but it truly truly helps.
You thought this girl was your soulmate: you allowed yourself to become too committed to this girl before you even knew where you stood with her. I know it hurts, but you can't allow yourself to dwell on her. You wren't expecting her to bring someone, so you were in shock, but time is a great healer. MOve on, and in future, don't allow yourself to build a girl up in your head as 'the one' until you know if you have a chance. Thinking of someone as your soulmate before you even ask her out is only going to lead to hurt and pain for you.
She's never mentioned him before (as her boyfriend, but she has referred to a friend) - you know her from work, am I right? Maybe she wants to keep her private and work life separate? Many people do this, and it's not unusual.
Don't think that she knew how you felt and was just messing with your feelings. If you allow yourself to think that, you'll end up resenting her, and this will make your life (particularly work if she's there) unpleasent unnecessarily. Forget about pursuing romance with this girl, and instead be her friend - one of my best friends got married recently. I asked her out 10 years ago and she turned me down; it hurt, but I knew it would be better to have a great friend than to resent her. My life is better for knowing her and for being her friend; she and her husband are very happy together and I'm very happy for them.
Time heals. Look to the future and what will be, not on the past and on what hurts.
KA27
Thank you for that, that's a really nice response!
I should add, it was actually a work party she brought him to, so she wasn't really keeping him a very good secret.
Whilst it kills me to think there is no chance with her, we get on so well it would be a travesty to lose her friendship. Plus, I do have to work with her too, and she's not dim, she'll know why I'm quieter than normal if I stop speaking to her as much.
I'll bet she still makes me blush though...:o
I have been on both the receiving and giving side of this behaviour, ashamed as I am to admit the latter. For what it's worth, when I was on the giving side, the reason I didn't mention my boyfriend was partly that people didn't generally discuss personal lives in the workplace in that company. And partly, I was actully attracted to the co-worker and it just never seemed the right time to drop that mention into the discussion. I don';t know if it had any effect on him or even if he fancied me but he basically dropped off the face of the earth when I finally came clean so I suspect he was not happy. I screwed up with that.
The other thing is that you can all too easily get yourself into a position when you're friendly with someone, and there's a hint of flirtation, that even a casual mention of 'my boyfriend' starts to feel like the equivalent of turning up at work with a sign saying 'Don't Get Any Ideas'. If the other person hasn't made a pass then it just seems totally presumptuous - it's as if you are saying 'back off' but there's nothing to back off from.
It really is a lot easier if people make themselves clear up front but sadly it doesn't always happen. You may never know why not and you shouldn't be tempted to ask her. Keep it warm and friendly but professional. It hurts but you can and will survive this.
I'm useless at picking up on hints at body language.
unless the woman actually comes outright, and says "I like you" - I could never tell through body language.
Me neither. It's all about building up the courage and going for it. (Easier said than done!)
Interesting, thanks for that. I don't actually disagree with what she did, it just seemed a bit weird that was all. Even if she thought of me as just a friend she wouldn't need to cover it up, surely?
I'd love to believe that bit in bold applies to my case though...:o
I'm about 99% sure Psych. I didn't like to stare, however he did stand with his arm around her waist (possibly lower, again, no staring makes it hard to tell) most of the evening. They also sat on the steps outside the venue for a significant time, where I'm fairly certain they were 'nuzzling', that about as best I can put it. Whilst I didn't directly see them kiss, I can't beleive they weren't together from the impression they were giving off.
I like your thinking though!
Not really, even if I had asked her out, she'd have still had the boyfriend.
Hmm, not sure I'd be able to keep my job if I did that.
I dont have the "gift of the gab" - I dont come out, with all the chat-up lines, e.t.c...
I'm shy, I always have been.
I'm ok if I know the person a little bit, but I just cannot strike up chats with strangers.
But you would have found out much earlier and moved on with your life.
Would you rather have found out five days ago, or five months ago?
I don't have the 'gift' either. It takes a certain cheeky 'swagger' to successfully use chat-up lines; I'm totally devoid of it! I am also a lot shyer than people think. However, I have this mantra that I repeat to myself in my head, it goes 'Nothing to lose, plenty to gain'. Instead on mravado and posturing, I try to find mutual ground and strike up a conversation on those grounds.
I'll put in into context. A few years ago I went to a newsagents to pre-order a book; at the same time a woman (about my age) came in looking to pre-order the same book. The owner went off looking for the order book, and the two of us were left standing around a small and empty shop. I liked the look of her, so I repeated the mantra a few times, and then asked her if she'd read anything else by the author. We got talking, ended up grabbing a cup of coffee together, swapped numbers, and were together for 3 years. Some of the best times of my life occurred with her; if I hadn't gathered the nerve to make the 'first move' (for want of a better phrase) i'd possibly never have seen her again.
There's a time and a place for cheesy chat-up lines, and if you're not the type of person who can use them you end up feeling stupider than the lines themselves! You'll find yourself in random situations where it's possible to make some sort of opening comment, it's all about judging the environment and building up the nerve to do so. And even if it doesn't go anywhere, you've still been brave enough to at least try and your confidence will grow bit by bit.
I still get shy and nervous; I think I always will. For me, there nothing worse than the pressure I put myself under before making any sort of move; those few seconds or minutes feel like hours, and I just want to throw up (not attractive!) However, if I don't at least try, I'll never know.
Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can!
Thanks, that is a good post.
the basic problem with me is, if I ask a woman out on a date/coffee whatever, I'm so paranoid of the response I may get.
because u dont know what response you will get - you could get a slap in the face (unlikely I know) but it could happen, or she may have a boyfriend waiting for u around the corner.
it's what response the female gives, that I fear.
You could easily be me Rob. It's not that I particularly mind being shy, until some confident lothario nips in before me.
I think only certain people can pull off the chat up line, others it probably wouldn't work well for (i.e. me).
To have found out 5 months ago, then I would have had to ask her out, meaning I would have been rejected (because of the boyf) and looked a bit of a fool.
Thanks again KA27, your contribution to this thread has been rather marvellous!
Again, I can really relate to what you have said, very similar to how I feel/think.
Someone once said to me 'never apologise for being who you are', and whilst it was a nice thing to say, and made me feel good, sometimes, I do wish I was someone different.
True, you might get a slap, or there might be a boyfriend around the corner. On the other hand, she might say yes. Getting over the fear/paranoia is the only way you'll ever find out.
Try this if you really can't bear the thought of asking a girl out fear. Try just making small talk. Nothing too heavy - if you're in somewhere like HMV and you happen to be browsing the DVDs, ask a girl nearby if she would recommend anything. Same goes for music, or books, computer games, whatever. She might say no and dismiss you, she might point something out and move on; she might ask what you're interested in and make a recommendation, you might find common ground and one thing will lead to another. (see my earlier post about the book)
You never know what reaction you'll get. Don't go into it expecting to get a date, just hope to make a connection with another person. You might get a date at the end of it, you might not. You'll never know if you don't try.
KA27
Everyone finds themself wishing they were someone else. I've lost count of the amount of times I wish I was my brother (who is the polar opposite of me)! Thing is, you have strengths and values that other people wish they had. Think about what those are, and you'll soon realise that 'You know what? There's a part of me that's pretty damn great.'