Never Had A Girlfrend And It Depresses Me Like Crazy
Right I had my original thread deleted presumabley because of the talk of suicide which obviously on an internet forum isn't allowed. I respect these rules, but I wouldn't mind talking about what the crux of what bothers me without mentioning suicide this time if I can. I really appreciated the responses and was shame I didn't get to read them all. Anyhow here goes I'll summerise the problems:
Ok basically I've never had a girlfriend, and have absolutely no social life. I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not go out as I think society hates me and does not want me.
Embarresingly I hate to say I'm a male virgin, was a bit weird teenager and I became a social recluse. I suffered a lot bullying in England before I came to Northern Ireland at 14 so "closed up" by avoiding people incase I looked weak and that I wasn't exploited. It was a defense mechanism to avoid being bullied by being a recluse.
I didn't think I was good enough for society anyway as I believed nobody wanted me so I didn't go out. I felt I was doing society a favour by avoiding people. I believed the world hated me.
I've developed a self hatred for myself since my teenage years, I felt I was a failure and have allowed it to manifest and I attempted suicide a few months back because I felt I was a social freak/failure at 25.
Part of the reason also was because I believed I was going to be like this for the rest of my life so thought if I was ending my life I would doing me and my family a favour.
I've had counselling for the first time in my life recently since (6 of them in Belfast), on anti-depressants (citalopram which has now been upped from 20mg to 40mg), and now have appointments with psycologists in Strabane.
Obviously I feel like a total twit for being a virgin at 25 near 26. But I was painfully shy in my teens and early 20s, plus I had no confidence so have naturally fallen into this position. I've made it hard for myself but couldn't help it.
I've seen some threads about women not dating virgin blokes after 30 etc on plenty of fish, here, various other forums and has upset me obviously. I saw a polls that stated around 60% of women would refuse to date under any circumstances virgin blokes over 30. This depresses me like crazy.
I worry that I'm almost too old to have a girlfriend for the first time now as when you're in my position it becomes weird to be like this at my age I recognise that. I feel like a total loser obviously.
I feel that I'm product of bad genes and feel that natural selection and darwinism is taking its course and telling me I'm not allowed to have pass my genes and so have accepted that. Science says so.
I walk around Belfast today and see loads of couples holding hands, everyone acting happy, and then this freak at 25 near 26, who has no friends, rejected by society and has never had a girlfriend. Hate it totally and I cry night after night thinking about it.
Ok basically I've never had a girlfriend, and have absolutely no social life. I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not go out as I think society hates me and does not want me.
Embarresingly I hate to say I'm a male virgin, was a bit weird teenager and I became a social recluse. I suffered a lot bullying in England before I came to Northern Ireland at 14 so "closed up" by avoiding people incase I looked weak and that I wasn't exploited. It was a defense mechanism to avoid being bullied by being a recluse.
I didn't think I was good enough for society anyway as I believed nobody wanted me so I didn't go out. I felt I was doing society a favour by avoiding people. I believed the world hated me.
I've developed a self hatred for myself since my teenage years, I felt I was a failure and have allowed it to manifest and I attempted suicide a few months back because I felt I was a social freak/failure at 25.
Part of the reason also was because I believed I was going to be like this for the rest of my life so thought if I was ending my life I would doing me and my family a favour.
I've had counselling for the first time in my life recently since (6 of them in Belfast), on anti-depressants (citalopram which has now been upped from 20mg to 40mg), and now have appointments with psycologists in Strabane.
Obviously I feel like a total twit for being a virgin at 25 near 26. But I was painfully shy in my teens and early 20s, plus I had no confidence so have naturally fallen into this position. I've made it hard for myself but couldn't help it.
I've seen some threads about women not dating virgin blokes after 30 etc on plenty of fish, here, various other forums and has upset me obviously. I saw a polls that stated around 60% of women would refuse to date under any circumstances virgin blokes over 30. This depresses me like crazy.
I worry that I'm almost too old to have a girlfriend for the first time now as when you're in my position it becomes weird to be like this at my age I recognise that. I feel like a total loser obviously.
I feel that I'm product of bad genes and feel that natural selection and darwinism is taking its course and telling me I'm not allowed to have pass my genes and so have accepted that. Science says so.
I walk around Belfast today and see loads of couples holding hands, everyone acting happy, and then this freak at 25 near 26, who has no friends, rejected by society and has never had a girlfriend. Hate it totally and I cry night after night thinking about it.
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Comments
I did yeah some of it, but I wanted to come back and speak about it again to others and reply back to all the comments so I was bothered when I came home and saw it not there.
I respect that I can't talk about suicide and if I am I have to speak to a gp. Infact thats what did happen once, I mentioned suicide on an internet forum, thread was closed because of me and then was advised by a forum member to speak to a gp/counsellor, which I did immediately and to have an emergancy appointment (the gp actually came round my house). It was then that my citalopram was doubled from 20mg to 40mg.
Anyway enough of that I would appreciate if I could openly speak about my relationships issues etc as its good to talk and I appreciate when I speak to people about it.
I'm not suicidal as of right now, but was refering to it in a past context.
DS forum support gave me a number to ring for which I was greatful for but I am ok with regards to anything like that. I just am very depressed about my situation. and would li some help
Log off your computer and go and speak to a Dr, they are the only ones who can help, drugs or counselling are going to help much more than posting on DS.
Every guy has had Pam and her five sisters but not you it seems.:D
If you want a GF then get out and meet, try dating sites and if its just a craving for nookie then pay for it, the world or in your case Belfast is your oyster. Be bold.
Because I am simply looking for advice regarding a situation that bothers and hoping that some people (i.e. on a advice forum) could speak about.
I have thought about this but I have also read that some women are against the idea of man sleeping with a prostitute. Infact some of said that its worse than being a virgin over the age of 30.
Oh I think I have and have had it for too long. I feel ashamed of my situation and don't know to justify it for the rest of my life (if it ends up being that way of course).
My advice is don't worry and it will happen,
I didn't see all the advice I was away from 3pm to 10:30pm all day in Belfast (90 miles away). Any responses from 3pm onwards would not have been seen by me (which was probably most of the thread).
how would any later girlfriend of yours, get to know unless you told her?
Don't tell her. You could just say you'd had girlfriends in the past, but not a long term girlfriend and don't go into further details, (maybe say you just weren't compatible. Bit of a white lie/ blurry truth).
I thought about this, but some have spoken against me using a prostitute because it could make you more depressed because of the sheer mechnical nature of the whole situation. No love, just sex, will it actually cure my problems etc,
I would consider giving it go, but my attitude is that:
a)I'm never going to get a girlfriend, and will die without one. Absolutely convinced of this.
b)I'll never have any friends, and the world hates me, walking around town is painful as I see loads of other people holding hands and everyone else is happy/normal social lives realise I will never be like that.
There are some very sympathetic and nice prositutes, but if you're emotionally fragile around the idea of it, yes perhaps you should give it a miss as you already are so fragile, upset and low
Sincerely, I find it absolutely impossible to believe you have to remain alone for the rest of your life. That is really off beam and must be due to how low you are at the moment.
Because I've been like that since I was 13/14, since the year 2000 anyway.
I've never had a girlfriend, never had a proper friend since I've been an adult. I never go out (because I feel the world hates me so doing them a favour), and I don't drink. I have had part time work before and its not helped, infact all I've been convinced of is that I'm freak and cannot make friends. Nobody wants to be my mate and I find this thoroughly depressing so have to live alone for the rest of my life.
If I am 26 and still the same way as I was at 15, couldn't you see why my life prosects are dim?
I feel I am a burden on the world, I started this thread and already some of responses I'm getting some stick for doing twice (again reinforcing my view the world hates me and I am burden on people/even this forum). I simply didn't see the bloody thread as I was out all day.
you aren't going to tell them are you, you daft bugger? they don't need to know.
I think when you're that low you do get to a point where you can't see the wood for the trees and you're convinced that nothing good will ever happen.
I'm loathe to say it but my own personal belief is that some people can be alone for life - it's not "giving up" or being defeatist, it's just accepting that life or "fate" or whatever you want to call it has decided that that is the path you're going to take. Obviously IMO.
That said, OP, I think you have more to deal with that simply just getting a girlfriend. You seem to see this as the solution to your problems when at the moment it really isn't. You need to work on your self esteem and confidence first of all and you need to learn to like yourself as well. If you can make it over those hurdles then, and only then, can you really give any thought to finding a girlfriend.
Bit in bold, I completely agree. I posted in the "old" thread, OP, and said something similar.
A relationship and/or sex is not an instant problem solver. Getting a girlfriend or losing your virginity is not going to help you. They are not the be-all-and-end-all of life. In fact, being in the wrong relationship, or sleeping with the "wrong person" can sometimes be worse than not having one at all. Being with the wrong person can screw you up big time. I'll even go so far as to say go into a relationship, platonic or romantic, with the desire, or even expectation that it'll solve your problems and it'll be doomed to failure.
Work on your confidence. Carry on with your counselling sessions, keep going, don't give up on them. Tell them, if you haven't already, what you've told us.
And lastly, take little steps, if you can. Be brave. Find a hobby you're interested in, search for a group near you and take it from there. Or maybe, just say hi when you meet colleagues. Little things.
Love yourself. You're the only you you'll have. Keep your chin up, OP. Let people see the real you and you'll be surprised with the results.
And it could even make things worse because I think it would put a huge amount of pressure on the girl in question. If she felt she was the OP's "saviour" then it could cause all sorts of tension. And if the relationship fell apart because of that, the OP's issues would all re-surface but be much worse.
No but I feel the problem is the world outright rejects me in the first place. Not having a girlfriend, and probably never having a girlfriend, not having friends and probably having friends absolutely depresses me as I see it as a sign of rejection.
So what is the purpose of my life, get a degree, get a job and have no social life to live because the world hates me, doesn't want to know me?
I feel like a freak, and complete utter utter freak.
Unfortunately, some useful and practical advice was given during that time and the removal was a decidedly unhelpful and inconsiderate thing to do.
I said something like continue with the medication and the scheduled counselling sessions because there are a lot of interrelated things going on like self esteem, depression, anxiety, etc. which need to be addressed prefessionally and you need to stick with the treatments for them to work. At your next scheduled counselling session, you can also ask if any of the Overcoming books would be suitable for you: http://www.overcoming.co.uk/single.htm?ipg=4795
When your outlook becomes more open and positive, I'd suggest parking the age/dating aspects for the time being and develop the general socialising and friendships through work, voluntary work, clubs/societies and young adult social groups, etc.
In the immediate future if you're in need of help then you can call the Samaritans in Ireland here: http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone/find_my_local_branch/ireland.aspx
And I finally said Good Luck.
I know I really liked that thread and couldn't get to respond to it. All I got was DS forum support giving the samaritans number and saying thanks.
I requested to start the thread again without mentioning futuristic suicidal intentions and they said it was fine as long as I did that.
I rang my university counsellors before and the counsellor was so concerned she got the gp out to me within 1 hour. My citalopram dosage since then has been upped from 20mg to 40mg. (It hasn't really done anything tbh
I will be around now and will reply to reponses, I just couldnt as I had an course enrollment at 6pm which was 70 miles away.