Brother's girlfriend intimidates me...
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I'm really intimidated by my brother's girlfriend. She's only about nine months older than me,so I should find it easy to get on with her,but we have almost nothing in common,except that we read the same magazine. I'm shy at the best of times,but I find it impossible to think of anything to say to her and I worry that I come off as a bit of an unfriendly/moody cow. She also gives the impression she doesn't really want to talk to any of us,although to be fair that could be shyness,but it makes me really uncomfortable and I find it difficult to be myself around her as a result.
I initially thought she was into reading and thought that was great as we could potentially discuss common books,but she only reads books by one author,and it's an author I dislike,so that went down the drain. I've tried to draw her into coversations about soaps or TV but it doesn't really work.
Also,when she and my brother are here,they spend all their time in the living room and make everyone,especially me, feel really awkward about going in there as they're very "coupley",and I spend most of my time in my room,which my parents tell me off for as it's antisocial and I shouldn't hide away,but I feel like I'm intruding every time I go into the living room,and they stay for at least a week at a time.
Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment,and as we live in the middle of nowhere in Wales,the fact that this hospital is in a major city in England obviously means we get to go shopping afterwards. The problem is my brother is bringing his girlfriend and as she's still a virtual stranger to me,despite the fact that they've been going out for over a year,the thought of six hours there and back with her in the car appalls me,even though everyone else will be there too. It's not her personally,as I think she's nice, if it was anybody I didn't really know I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
I tried to talk to my parents and point out that having to do the hospital appointment is bad enough,without having to spend the six hours in the car accompanied by someone I don't have a clue what to say to,as well as the embarrassment of having to sit in the back with them being all coupley next to me.
They basically told me to shut up and get a life,and if it bothered me that much I should just bring my iPod and not say anything to anyone-but why should I have to do that? Usually the journey is part of the fun,which is mostly why I'm annoyed about it as it won't be fun tomorrow,I'll be too shy and self-conscious to enjoy it.
The other thing is,I just think,who even brings their girlfriend to a family hospital appointment,even if shopping's involved? They could easily go shopping there on their own-my brother drives,has his own car and knows the way perfectly well. And her house is an hour closer than ours,so it'd only be four hours for them.
I realise it is quite mean of me not to want her to come, and there's nothing I can do about it,and it's pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things,but everyone seems to be going out of their way to make it as stressful for me as possible-my consultant is making me do tests as well as all the usual checks,so we'll be in the hospital at least two hours and I'm really wound up and worried about that too,without factoring in the girlfriend/shyness scenario.
Has anybody got any coping strategies or tips? And am I being unreasonable?
I initially thought she was into reading and thought that was great as we could potentially discuss common books,but she only reads books by one author,and it's an author I dislike,so that went down the drain. I've tried to draw her into coversations about soaps or TV but it doesn't really work.
Also,when she and my brother are here,they spend all their time in the living room and make everyone,especially me, feel really awkward about going in there as they're very "coupley",and I spend most of my time in my room,which my parents tell me off for as it's antisocial and I shouldn't hide away,but I feel like I'm intruding every time I go into the living room,and they stay for at least a week at a time.
Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment,and as we live in the middle of nowhere in Wales,the fact that this hospital is in a major city in England obviously means we get to go shopping afterwards. The problem is my brother is bringing his girlfriend and as she's still a virtual stranger to me,despite the fact that they've been going out for over a year,the thought of six hours there and back with her in the car appalls me,even though everyone else will be there too. It's not her personally,as I think she's nice, if it was anybody I didn't really know I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
I tried to talk to my parents and point out that having to do the hospital appointment is bad enough,without having to spend the six hours in the car accompanied by someone I don't have a clue what to say to,as well as the embarrassment of having to sit in the back with them being all coupley next to me.
They basically told me to shut up and get a life,and if it bothered me that much I should just bring my iPod and not say anything to anyone-but why should I have to do that? Usually the journey is part of the fun,which is mostly why I'm annoyed about it as it won't be fun tomorrow,I'll be too shy and self-conscious to enjoy it.
The other thing is,I just think,who even brings their girlfriend to a family hospital appointment,even if shopping's involved? They could easily go shopping there on their own-my brother drives,has his own car and knows the way perfectly well. And her house is an hour closer than ours,so it'd only be four hours for them.
I realise it is quite mean of me not to want her to come, and there's nothing I can do about it,and it's pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things,but everyone seems to be going out of their way to make it as stressful for me as possible-my consultant is making me do tests as well as all the usual checks,so we'll be in the hospital at least two hours and I'm really wound up and worried about that too,without factoring in the girlfriend/shyness scenario.
Has anybody got any coping strategies or tips? And am I being unreasonable?
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I think your parents are being unreasonable. I wonder if they, like my mum, are worried about losing their little boy?
He doesn't have his own room,he shares one with my younger brother,so the living room is the only place they can go really. They say they don't hog it and we can go in when we like,but they make it clear they want to be on their own in there so it's better just to leave them to it.
The funny thing is,my parents are fed up with them as well,because they're so antisocial,and she had a row with her parents so they stayed with us for the last fortnight except yesterday,and they're coming back tonight and it looks like they're staying all week,but they won't say anything to him.
My dad even said to me about tomorrow "They invited themselves and I can't tell them not to come now,can I?"
Why is your brother coming with you for your hospital appointment anyway? Let alone his girlfriend?
If you're not keen on her and you've made an effort to get on with her but she doesn't want to know, your parents should not let her and your bf dominate the living room for weeks at a time making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Your brother and his gf should go up to his room if they want to get all "coupley" as you put it, imo.
or go to her house
or sit in the garden/porch/garage you get my drift
really your parents should be saying something if they're sitting in your sitting room and excluding everyone its a bit different to you all sitting there as a family and her trying to join in and become part of it
I'm 18, she's 19,my brother's 22.
My brother's coming because it's always been a family tradition for us all to make a bit of a day of it once the appointment's over with, because we so rarely go anywhere with decent shops. The idea this time is that we drop them off in the centre,do the hospital bit and meet them later on. I suppose I shoud be grateful that at least she won't be there for the hospital part.
We don't have a garage or porch.
Her parents are also moving away soon and don't want her and my brother up there at the moment,aside from the fight they had,because they're busy sorting the move so we've got lumbered.
You're the same age as me
Tbh I haven't got much advice, because unless your parents do something or say something to them there's not much you can do really. Maybe you could buy some magazines, listen to some music, just chat to your parents ect and try to forget she is there. Also, have your brother sit inbetween you and his gf.
You say she intimidates you, I've always tried to act like I thought a confident person would, say a celebrity or someone you know, around a person that intimidates me.
I think it helps to give you confidence and not feel nervous around them.
No one should be able to make you feel nervous or uncomfortable, esp in your own home. Just remember it's your home, not her's. If anything she should be the nervous one around all of you.
Keep trying, you're bound to find some common ground eventually. Clothes, shoes, music. Find out from your brother some of the things she likes and take it from there. Offer her a listen of your iPod and see if you can find an artist or group you both like. Have a moan about something girlie, you never know she may feel the same.
You just sound like (from your description) two shy people.
You both have him in common after all...
Maybe self-conscious and shy is a better description?
I do know mostly what she likes,the problem is she doesn't really like anything I like,and even when she does,like the magazine we both read,she just gives one-word answers if I mention something in it to her. And the other day I had a newspaper and it had Jade Goody on the front,and the three of us were looking at it and talking about it,and my brother went to get a drink.The second he'd gone,she just picked up her book-conversation over.
I hate it that my parents think I'm the one being unreasonable and horrible. They know I'm shy around people I don't really know,and they also know I get really worked up before these appointments,so you'd think they'd make it easier for me rather than combining two of my worst issues in one. But because she's with my brother,I just have to take it.
I have considered that,but it's impossible to get him on his own for more than a minute or two,they're practically joined at the hip. Also if he got the wrong end of the stick,he'd go nuts and then my parents would probably get at me too.
There's no point forcing yourself to get on with someone just for the sake of it. Polite acknowledgements are better than a fake friendship.
Chat if you want to in the car to your hospital appointment, but don't see it as solely your responsibility to keep the chit-chat going. Remember, you've got your parents and brother to talk to as well, you're not just relying on chatting with the girlfriend. And as someone else said, get your brother to sit between you both.
Are you close to your brother? Does he idolise his little sister? Some, admittedly rather insecure, people could find this sibling love threatening.
I've got two brothers and although I get on well with the youngest, the eldest and I are really close. We just see life the same way, like the same things, have the same "gut reactions" to everything be it jokes or death.
My ex-husband was really, really jealous of my relationship with the eldest and avoided him like the plague, although he got along O.K. with my youngest brother. In fact, a lot of my boyfriends were cautious of Big Bruv.
The same applied in reverse - a lot of his girlfriends were aloof with me and it wasn't until years later, bumping into these girls here and there and "catching up" that they told me why. They felt they couldn't live up to me. Eh?
Luckily he met a smashing girl who, instead of being like the other, got to know me and I her. We don't have a lot in common (apart from Bruv) yet, strangely, the friendship works. We understand and like each other, differences apart. He's been with her 24 or 25 years now and she's the best!
So, just wondering........ is SHE intimidated by YOU?
It's possible,but I don't know really,I'm not really that close to him,mainly because he's always with her when I see her these days,plus he was living away at uni for two years,and with his ex,before he met her,so I don't really talk to him much,I'm usually upstairs most of the time they're here. I'm closer to my younger brother.
I suppose she could think I'm just his weird little sister and therefore not worth bothering with. It's sad really,because I always wanted a sister when I was younger,so I'd love to have a good relationship with her.
I know what you mean. I'd love to get on with my sister-in-law, but sadly she just doesn't give a toss in return.
Ah... well, it was just a thought.
In that case she's a stand-offish cow. You've tried to be friends with her, it's been ignored so now you do the ignoring.
Not your fault, you've done your best.
It sounds like your boyfriend wants to 'integrate' her more into your family life but using a hospital appointment of a relative is a bit odd.
That's a good plan, put like that. Have one last effort with her.
Your strength and coping strategies should come from a place which says you'll always be his sister....but she will never always be his girlfriend....
Its very odd imo. The OP is clearly making an effort to find common ground and her brothers girlfriend is unresponsive to it. I think the parents should definatly say something to them though as they are being very unfair. Hogging the living room is not on when its the family home. In fact its plain rude.
Why can't they move out and find their own place? Or go out for the evening?