Just to clear up a few points ..... I have no intention of cancelling her at this late stage, so she is definitely coming on Saturday..... I may nor enjoy her company but I'm not a cruel person.
I feel it's important to let you know that my MIL is rude overbearing and not particularly grateful for the trouble I go to on Xmas Day. It's the same every year. The sprouts are too hard, the turkey is too dry, and she comandeers the TV so my kids have to Sky+ anything they want to watch.
One brother lives overseas, one brother is estranged and the other 3 brothers will not entertain the idea of having her over at xmas. As I said in my OP, last year I asked one of them and he flatly refused. His wife's parents come over every year and she will not have MIL in the house at the same time.
In answer to the FM who asked what is so important about having a day on our own ...... well it's what I would like to do. It would be more relaxing and more fun. This year both my kids are going to their boyfriends houses after dinner, mainly to get away from Grandma.
And in reply to those who reminded me that I will be a MIL one day ..... yes, and I have learned many valuable lessons on how not to behave from my own MIL.
Having said all that, I would hate the thought of her being on her own. Which is why she always ends up at our house. I would just like a break from it.
Just to clear up a few points ..... I have no intention of cancelling her at this late stage, so she is definitely coming on Saturday..... I may nor enjoy her company but I'm not a cruel person.
I feel it's important to let you know that my MIL is rude overbearing and not particularly grateful for the trouble I go to on Xmas Day. It's the same every year. The sprouts are too hard, the turkey is too dry, and she comandeers the TV so my kids have to Sky+ anything they want to watch.
One brother lives overseas, one brother is estranged and the other 3 brothers will not entertain the idea of having her over at xmas. As I said in my OP, last year I asked one of them and he flatly refused. His wife's parents come over every year and she will not have MIL in the house at the same time.
In answer to the FM who asked what is so important about having a day on our own ...... well it's what I would like to do. It would be more relaxing and more fun. This year both my kids are going to their boyfriends houses after dinner, mainly to get away from Grandma.
And in reply to those who reminded me that I will be a MIL one day ..... yes, and I have learned many valuable lessons on how not to behave from my own MIL.
Having said all that, I would hate the thought of her being on her own. Which is why she always ends up at our house. I would just like a break from it.
By the sounds of things you have done more than your share. Promise yourself - next year it will be different.
I think if I was you I would have to have a wee drink to get me thru the day lol and next year one way or another make sure you have your xmas to yourselfs, hope your day goes well x
If the others won't have her my husband will not leave her home alone, and it will be groundhog day for me.
Surely he must have some idea how you feel? And he must be aware of how the children feel too.
It may be time to put your foot down and say no. get the children on your side too.
It's a huge dilemma for me because I know if she doesn't come here she will be alone. Massive feelings of guilt will ensue and I will feel like a right shit !
I'm probably just ranting because on Xmas night me, hubby and MIL will be sat watching what she wants to watch and my kids will be away from the house. If she wasn't here their boyfriends would be here and we would be having a great night.
MIL doesn't drink and disapproves strongly of those that do. I will probably get trolleyed to give her more ammunition
Just to clear up a few points ..... I have no intention of cancelling her at this late stage, so she is definitely coming on Saturday..... I may nor enjoy her company but I'm not a cruel person.
I feel it's important to let you know that my MIL is rude overbearing and not particularly grateful for the trouble I go to on Xmas Day. It's the same every year. The sprouts are too hard, the turkey is too dry, and she comandeers the TV so my kids have to Sky+ anything they want to watch.
One brother lives overseas, one brother is estranged and the other 3 brothers will not entertain the idea of having her over at xmas. As I said in my OP, last year I asked one of them and he flatly refused. His wife's parents come over every year and she will not have MIL in the house at the same time.
In answer to the FM who asked what is so important about having a day on our own ...... well it's what I would like to do. It would be more relaxing and more fun. This year both my kids are going to their boyfriends houses after dinner, mainly to get away from Grandma.
And in reply to those who reminded me that I will be a MIL one day ..... yes, and I have learned many valuable lessons on how not to behave from my own MIL.
Having said all that, I would hate the thought of her being on her own. Which is why she always ends up at our house. I would just like a break from it.
I know exactly how you feel. My MIL always comes for Boxing day, it requires husband driving 30 miles to pick her up, 30 miles back, 30 miles to drop her off and 30 miles home, when she could quite easily do it on her broomstick. One of her other son's who lives around the corner from her has her for Christmas day and gets her home by 6pm. Her daughter who lives around the other corner hasn't spoken to her for 10 years. She'll still be sitting in my house at 2am 27th December Knowing full well hubby has a 60 mile round effin trip.
It's a huge dilemma for me because I know if she doesn't come here she will be alone. Massive feelings of guilt will ensue and I will feel like a right shit !
If I've got this right there are six brothers, one of whom is estranged and one of whom is abroad and one of whom is your husband. That leaves a further three sons who haven't taken their fair share of things. They must love you!
If I were you I would put my foot down and make it very clear from the beginning of the year that you have other plans and that it's up to one of her other six sons to take some responsibility for a change. If your husband won't back you up tell him you and the kids are going away for Christmas and you'll see him when she's gone home. He's being ridiculous expecting his family to entertain her for most of the past fifteen or so years and is really being incredibly disrespectful to you.
I think i'd have to say something if someone criticised food I had made for them, especially if you've been slaving all day in the kitchen. :mad: It's bloody rude and I don't think i'd be able to hold my tongue.
You should spend the day telling her about how you're going on holiday next year so she will have to make alternative arrangements next year.
If I've got this right there are six brothers, one of whom is estranged and one of whom is abroad and one of whom is your husband. That leaves a further three sons who haven't taken their fair share of things. They must love you!
If I were you I would put my foot down and make it very clear from the beginning of the year that you have other plans and that it's up to one of her other six sons to take some responsibility for a change. If your husband won't back you up tell him you and the kids are going away for Christmas and you'll see him when she's gone home. He's being ridiculous expecting his family to entertain her for most of the past fifteen or so years and is really being incredibly disrespectful to you.
Yes you have got it right. 6 of them including my husband. We have been together 20+ years and we have had two Christmases on our own since the kids came along. Both of those were when her favourite son visited from overseas and she put on a massive spread at her place which we didn't attend.
Whenever I ask my husband about getting a year off I am met with the same old guff. " would you want to see her sitting at home on her own ? " and " she IS my mother you know "
Whilst I get this ....... I am also tired of it. BUT, I imagine how I would feel if it was my mother, who BTW was a lovely woman who helped me on Xmas day when she was alive. MIL arrives, parks herself in front of the TV and then expects to be waited on hand and foot all day. " Thank you " does not seem to be in her range of vocabulary either which gets right on my pipe.
All of which is why none of the others will invite her.
Yes you have got it right. 6 of them including my husband. We have been together 20+ years and we have had two Christmases on our own since the kids came along. Both of those were when her favourite son visited from overseas and she put on a massive spread at her place which we didn't attend.
Whenever I ask my husband about getting a year off I am met with the same old guff. " would you want to see her sitting at home on her own ? " and " she IS my mother you know "
Whilst I get this ....... I am also tired of it. BUT, I imagine how I would feel if it was my mother, who BTW was a lovely woman who helped me on Xmas day when she was alive. MIL arrives, parks herself in front of the TV and then expects to be waited on hand and foot all day. " Thank you " does not seem to be in her range of vocabulary either which gets right on my pipe.
All of which is why none of the others will invite her.
That is so unfair. Everyone is taking advantage of you and your good nature. Especially your husband who is using emotional blackmail to make sure she is there year in, year out.
You must put your foot down, you really must. Even if it does mean she is on her own for one year. As you say you and your children haven't had a decent Christmas together for a long time and soon they will have flown the nest and that opportunity to do it before your family changes and they do their own thing with their own partners will be gone. I really feel for you, OP; when good, kind people are taken advantage of like this it really angers me.
She has five other children and she is not your or your husband's sole responsibility. Start in January and just be like a broken record throughout the year - no, no, no, no, no, no...
And this year it might be a good plan to NOT wait on her hand and foot, to say you want to watch 'x' as a family and to do so. She is walking all over you and you are letting her.
To me it's a whole festive period.. and not juist about 1 day.,
When I was married we used to go and see both sets of parents on the 25th..usually one for a light buffet lunch at mine and then main meal at her parents in the evening.
Then the boys came along and I wasn't prepared to drag them all over the county (and I was working away Monday-Friday) so we had Lunch at home ...sometimes parents visiited or we dropped round for an hour.
But what we allways did was have a large family meal with each set at some stage over the Festive period...be it the 25th, 26th , Bank Holiday... whenever.,..
The kids got overwhelmed if all presents came at once so it broke that up for them... we had more family time rather than just one day.
Since split the same still happens.. with me , with my ex , .. the celbrations , good food etc.. are over a few days.
What I'm trying to say is... all my family buy into this...
How about next year you do 25th as just you and MiL vists on the 26th or 27th.. and you do Xmas day take 2 ??
Marriage is all about compromise (says the divorced one) so your Husband should listen to you and speak to his family to "spread the load"
Why not give her jobs to do, such as peeling the veg or laying the table. She might appreciate being kept busy.. Also there's no need to let her hog the telly. Just say "we are watching this". She is hardly gonna argue.
Why not give her jobs to do, such as peeling the veg or laying the table. She might appreciate being kept busy.. Also there's no need to let her hog the telly. Just say "we are watching this". She is hardly gonna argue.
Just what I was going to suggest - my MIL was a pain in the rear end until I relaxed and actually asked her to help, she then became the best friend I could have ever asked for and we both dearly miss her since she died. Life's short relax and let her help you may be surprised at how nice she really is if she feels appreciated and wanted.
Phone the mother in law tonight, stuff loads of cotton wool up your nose and inform her that you have all come down with a terrible flu type cold cough germs etc.
You dont want her to catch this terrible germ and nor will you be having dinner as you are all in bed feeling really awful.
Assure her you have all the necessary potions and notions to take to hopefully gain a speedy recovery and if you are all much better soon, she is welcome to visit in a few days time and you will let her know when all the germs have gone.
She'll only come over to help them, believe me won't keep her away.
OP. Get the TV/Radio Times and put a ring round what you are GOING to watch, then lay it out on the coffee table. You did the cooking and this is your cook's treat.
I am a MIL and would be devastated if I thought that my family were trying to make excuses to not have me as a guest in their house. As it happens I do Christmas at mine every year and my grown-up children, and their families, come to me.
But as the years go by I have lost my parents, my in-laws and my sister, so the Christmas dinner table has had fewer and fewer family members seated round it on Christmas day.
So OP make the most of your children having the company of their grandma on Christmas day because it won't last forever.
Exactly. I think your being a bit unfair OP - dont rob your children of christmas with their gran or your husband with his mother you, never know when its going to be your last. I'm facing my first christmas without my grandma this year and would be devasated if i heard my mother talking about her like that if she was still alive. If you dont get on with her you should just lump it for your husband's sake - its only one day and means your husband gets to spend christmas with her mother and theres one less lonely old person spending christmas day alone.
Exactly. I think your being a bit unfair OP - dont rob your children of christmas with their gran or your husband with his mother you, never know when its going to be your last. I'm facing my first christmas without my grandma this year and would be devasated if i heard my mother talking about her like that if she was still alive. If you dont get on with her you should just lump it for your husband's sake - its only one day and means your husband gets to spend christmas with her mother and theres one less lonely old person spending christmas day alone.
The OP has made it very clear that her children are not happy either and they go out to avoid the grandmother. And the husband is one of SIX sons. I think that some posters should be slower to criticise and realise that not everyone has a family Christmas like The Waltons.
I am very sorry for people who have been bereaved, but this is the OP's situation, not yours and it seems to me that she has gone far and beyond the call of duty and done her bit. It is about time the OH's siblings did their bit.
Just leave this thread open so the old duck can read it - she'll get the message and probably book a cruise next year.
Seriously though - I can sympathise OP. When I was married the MIL used to to turn up at 10am every 25th Dec and announce she was there by saying "Where do You want me". The phrase "out in the garden" never left my lips:o
She would then sit in front of he TV with an expression on her face that would lead one to believe she had a fork stuck up her arse.
In the end I used to get her pissed and she was the funniest person ever.
You can't do that though as yours is against alcohol.
The only thing left is to get drunk yourself OP. Let your husband entertain her and make sure the TV remote is out of her reach. She will get the message.
Next year have the christmas you've wanted for so long.
You've done your fair share, you'll be giving her a year's notice to find somewhere else to go.
It's not your problem.
As for those saying you are being unfair, thats nonsense. You've had her for christmas many times now, someone else needs to do their fair share and let you and your husband and kids have a christmas alone.
Christmas is a family time including grandparents, remember they wont always be around, when they gone you will miss them.
People always say that but it's not always true. Might sound harsh but I don't miss one of my grandfathers. He was a very difficult man to get along with. Not everyone has loving relatives and gets along.
Comments
Just to clear up a few points ..... I have no intention of cancelling her at this late stage, so she is definitely coming on Saturday..... I may nor enjoy her company but I'm not a cruel person.
I feel it's important to let you know that my MIL is rude overbearing and not particularly grateful for the trouble I go to on Xmas Day. It's the same every year. The sprouts are too hard, the turkey is too dry, and she comandeers the TV so my kids have to Sky+ anything they want to watch.
One brother lives overseas, one brother is estranged and the other 3 brothers will not entertain the idea of having her over at xmas. As I said in my OP, last year I asked one of them and he flatly refused. His wife's parents come over every year and she will not have MIL in the house at the same time.
In answer to the FM who asked what is so important about having a day on our own ...... well it's what I would like to do. It would be more relaxing and more fun. This year both my kids are going to their boyfriends houses after dinner, mainly to get away from Grandma.
And in reply to those who reminded me that I will be a MIL one day ..... yes, and I have learned many valuable lessons on how not to behave from my own MIL.
Having said all that, I would hate the thought of her being on her own. Which is why she always ends up at our house. I would just like a break from it.
By the sounds of things you have done more than your share. Promise yourself - next year it will be different.
Yes, but how ?
If the others won't have her my husband will not leave her home alone, and it will be groundhog day for me.
Surely he must have some idea how you feel? And he must be aware of how the children feel too.
It may be time to put your foot down and say no. get the children on your side too.
It's a huge dilemma for me because I know if she doesn't come here she will be alone. Massive feelings of guilt will ensue and I will feel like a right shit !
I'm probably just ranting because on Xmas night me, hubby and MIL will be sat watching what she wants to watch and my kids will be away from the house. If she wasn't here their boyfriends would be here and we would be having a great night.
MIL doesn't drink and disapproves strongly of those that do. I will probably get trolleyed to give her more ammunition
I know exactly how you feel. My MIL always comes for Boxing day, it requires husband driving 30 miles to pick her up, 30 miles back, 30 miles to drop her off and 30 miles home, when she could quite easily do it on her broomstick. One of her other son's who lives around the corner from her has her for Christmas day and gets her home by 6pm. Her daughter who lives around the other corner hasn't spoken to her for 10 years. She'll still be sitting in my house at 2am 27th December Knowing full well hubby has a 60 mile round effin trip.
At least she goes home. My MIL lives 25 miles away and has a car, but my husband will be picking her up and taking her home again IN THE MORNING !!!!
If I've got this right there are six brothers, one of whom is estranged and one of whom is abroad and one of whom is your husband. That leaves a further three sons who haven't taken their fair share of things. They must love you!
If I were you I would put my foot down and make it very clear from the beginning of the year that you have other plans and that it's up to one of her other six sons to take some responsibility for a change. If your husband won't back you up tell him you and the kids are going away for Christmas and you'll see him when she's gone home. He's being ridiculous expecting his family to entertain her for most of the past fifteen or so years and is really being incredibly disrespectful to you.
You should spend the day telling her about how you're going on holiday next year so she will have to make alternative arrangements next year.
Yes you have got it right. 6 of them including my husband. We have been together 20+ years and we have had two Christmases on our own since the kids came along. Both of those were when her favourite son visited from overseas and she put on a massive spread at her place which we didn't attend.
Whenever I ask my husband about getting a year off I am met with the same old guff. " would you want to see her sitting at home on her own ? " and " she IS my mother you know "
Whilst I get this ....... I am also tired of it. BUT, I imagine how I would feel if it was my mother, who BTW was a lovely woman who helped me on Xmas day when she was alive. MIL arrives, parks herself in front of the TV and then expects to be waited on hand and foot all day. " Thank you " does not seem to be in her range of vocabulary either which gets right on my pipe.
All of which is why none of the others will invite her.
That is so unfair. Everyone is taking advantage of you and your good nature. Especially your husband who is using emotional blackmail to make sure she is there year in, year out.
You must put your foot down, you really must. Even if it does mean she is on her own for one year. As you say you and your children haven't had a decent Christmas together for a long time and soon they will have flown the nest and that opportunity to do it before your family changes and they do their own thing with their own partners will be gone. I really feel for you, OP; when good, kind people are taken advantage of like this it really angers me.
She has five other children and she is not your or your husband's sole responsibility. Start in January and just be like a broken record throughout the year - no, no, no, no, no, no...
And this year it might be a good plan to NOT wait on her hand and foot, to say you want to watch 'x' as a family and to do so. She is walking all over you and you are letting her.
To me it's a whole festive period.. and not juist about 1 day.,
When I was married we used to go and see both sets of parents on the 25th..usually one for a light buffet lunch at mine and then main meal at her parents in the evening.
Then the boys came along and I wasn't prepared to drag them all over the county (and I was working away Monday-Friday) so we had Lunch at home ...sometimes parents visiited or we dropped round for an hour.
But what we allways did was have a large family meal with each set at some stage over the Festive period...be it the 25th, 26th , Bank Holiday... whenever.,..
The kids got overwhelmed if all presents came at once so it broke that up for them... we had more family time rather than just one day.
Since split the same still happens.. with me , with my ex , .. the celbrations , good food etc.. are over a few days.
What I'm trying to say is... all my family buy into this...
How about next year you do 25th as just you and MiL vists on the 26th or 27th.. and you do Xmas day take 2 ??
Marriage is all about compromise (says the divorced one) so your Husband should listen to you and speak to his family to "spread the load"
Just what I was going to suggest - my MIL was a pain in the rear end until I relaxed and actually asked her to help, she then became the best friend I could have ever asked for and we both dearly miss her since she died. Life's short relax and let her help you may be surprised at how nice she really is if she feels appreciated and wanted.
She'll only come over to help them, believe me won't keep her away.
Exactly. I think your being a bit unfair OP - dont rob your children of christmas with their gran or your husband with his mother you, never know when its going to be your last. I'm facing my first christmas without my grandma this year and would be devasated if i heard my mother talking about her like that if she was still alive. If you dont get on with her you should just lump it for your husband's sake - its only one day and means your husband gets to spend christmas with her mother and theres one less lonely old person spending christmas day alone.
The OP has made it very clear that her children are not happy either and they go out to avoid the grandmother. And the husband is one of SIX sons. I think that some posters should be slower to criticise and realise that not everyone has a family Christmas like The Waltons.
I am very sorry for people who have been bereaved, but this is the OP's situation, not yours and it seems to me that she has gone far and beyond the call of duty and done her bit. It is about time the OH's siblings did their bit.
Seriously though - I can sympathise OP. When I was married the MIL used to to turn up at 10am every 25th Dec and announce she was there by saying "Where do You want me". The phrase "out in the garden" never left my lips:o
She would then sit in front of he TV with an expression on her face that would lead one to believe she had a fork stuck up her arse.
In the end I used to get her pissed and she was the funniest person ever.
You can't do that though as yours is against alcohol.
The only thing left is to get drunk yourself OP. Let your husband entertain her and make sure the TV remote is out of her reach. She will get the message.
Try to have a nice time regardless.
You've done your fair share, you'll be giving her a year's notice to find somewhere else to go.
It's not your problem.
As for those saying you are being unfair, thats nonsense. You've had her for christmas many times now, someone else needs to do their fair share and let you and your husband and kids have a christmas alone.
People always say that but it's not always true. Might sound harsh but I don't miss one of my grandfathers. He was a very difficult man to get along with. Not everyone has loving relatives and gets along.
I might let her in this year.