Yes, I can understand this, but some examples I have of this in my family have been fraught with disagreements between siblings about decisions. Three second cousins found themselves needing to find residential care for mother with Alzheimer's. The eldest daughter had been caring and struggling almost alone as the other siblings moved elsewhere, a couple of hours away. The carer daughter knew how dangerous things had become, but when she broached the subject of 'putting Mum in a home,' as it was put to her,(so unfair), the other siblings suddenly were bothered and vocalised all kinds of opinions, based on-err, naught.They had precisely no experience as they had carried on with their own lives, but popped up now and again for a couple of hours visit,with a nice pressie. Their Mum went into residential care, really the only option for both Mum and daughter, but the other siblings ignored her until she died herself from Alzheimer's.
I know I seem full of grim tales, I don't mean to be, but although they have each other to lean on sometimes, My God there is distress and stress too sometimes with more than one opinion, with all thinking they have an equal right to a say.
Further down the line will be tough with or without siblings, its part of a process and sorting out as much as you can as parents-decisionwise on many fronts, will help enormously.
Families are a right pain the ass. I don't know of any family that doesn't have some sort of feud or jealousy towards another part of their family. We have nothing to do with any of my family other than my parents and I prefer it that way. The less people there are, the less they can interfere and cause arguments. My wife on the other hand has a fairly close family with brothers and aunties etc and it drives me insane when they all get together. Every one of them wants to make it their business to interfere and tell you what's good for you and one of these days I'm gonna speak my mind and tell them to mind their own business. You wanna be doing this. Why don't you do that. etc and there's this constant bitching and back stabbing between parents and aunties and cousins and brothers etc who are all jealous of one another.
I'm much happier being an only child with just my wife and my son to be around and not having to have all this pretend close family crap when underneath we all know they couldn't really give a monkeys about us because that's why we only ever see them at funerals.
Perhaps not cruel, but very selfish on the part of the parents. Children need someone near their own age to bond with, and a sibling ensures that, as there is no guarantee that they will be popular at school.
If one is an only child and is an outcast at primary school, then they are deprived of the ability to gel with their peers, making life at secondary school harder and life in the adult world even more difficult.
I have to disagree with this. Children will always bond with other children because of playgroup, school etc. I am extremely close to my childhood friends, we are family just without the same DNA. If anything being an only child makes you more confident in making friends.
Not cruel but ask yourself why do you have a partner?....because you want and value companionship from someone from your own generation, around your age who shares things in common with you. A sibling offers companionship among many things otherwise an only child is stuck with just mum and dad for company in the home - sorry but play dates and cousins don't take the place of sibling in the long run.
My husband is an only child and the disadvantages of this have become evident in the past few years with the deteriorating health of his parents. He has no family back up or support with regards to them, the whole lot has been on his shoulders. He never missed having a sibling growing up but in the past couple of years he has often said he would appreciate a sibling or two to provide some emotional support if nothing else.
I look at our two young sons and the enjoyment they get from each other each day and am glad they will have at least each other in the years to come because parents don't live forever.
So you think that it's a valid reason to have another child just so that it can support it's sibling when you get too old to support yourself? Surely you should have another child to love and care for it equally and not because you want them to provide company and emotional support for the other one. That's quite a selfish attitude to expect that one brother or sister will be there for the other one and there's no guarantee they will want to. They could end up falling out and hating one another and that then makes any family decisions ten times more difficult when neither one can agree on what's best for either of you.
So what if it means you have to shoulder all the burden yourself when it comes to family matters. That is just a very small part of life and broad shoulders makes you a stronger person. If anything I'd say that being an only child has made me more self reliant.
One benefit of being an only child is she will never have to experience the agony of losing a sibling, however the prospect of having to deal with elderly parents on ones own is a little scary.
I can relate to this. I grew up with a brother, we weren't always close and fought a lot but got a lot closer as we got older. We shared a lot of memories of childhood that no-one else, not even friends or parents, would've been aware of. In-jokes and that kind of thing. My brother died a few years ago so now I guess I'm an only child and as my (divorced) parents are getting older I'm becoming more and more aware of how much decision-making/caring/responsibility is going to be mine to cope with alone.
Its personal choice and depends on circumstances ?
For us two children is perfect, especially given the fact we struggled to have even one successful pregnancy when we first started out down the parenthood path.
I am one of four kids and my partner is one of six so we know the many wonderful benefits that come with siblings.
I have a friend who is an only child and she is probably the most balanced, kindest and least selfish person I know but she makes no secret of the fact she wishes she had a sibling.
I have known her for 20 years and she has always felt this way.
I have to disagree with this. Children will always bond with other children because of playgroup, school etc. I am extremely close to my childhood friends, we are family just without the same DNA. If anything being an only child makes you more confident in making friends.
I disagree. My husband is an only and grew up surrounded by older people, grandparents, aunties, uncles....he was quite lonely as a child and his parents were the type that kept him close to home most of the time. In fact, he was often called their 'insurance policy for their old age' as they always expected he would never leave home and just stay and look after them. I have five sons altogether and the most confident of all them is my third, he's 26 - he attracts friends like a bee to pollen
I'm an only child and I've never had an issue with it, it's never caused any problems and I've never wished I had a brother or sister. I've always though things get too complicated when it comes to family and have always preferred friends to family (aside from my parents). There's no guarantee that siblings will get on. I know it's cliched and an old saying but "friends are the family you choose for yourself" is right in my book.
I'm not interested in having more than one child at all.
Someone at work is an an only child and she has always said have at least two children as it gives them someone to play with (she has two children herself), I think she felt quite lonely as an only child.
I am 1 of 4, my Dad was 1 of 3 and my mum is 1 of 4, so we grew up in a big family and it was nice as there was always someone to play with and loads of Aunts and Uncles. We hope to have 2 and that was after I convinced him that 2 children would be better than 1 (he says he will go for the snip after the 2nd just to make sure we do only have 2).
I disagree. My husband is an only and grew up surrounded by older people, grandparents, aunties, uncles....he was quite lonely as a child and his parents were the type that kept him close to home most of the time. In fact, he was often called their 'insurance policy for their old age' as they always expected he would never leave home and just stay and look after them. I have five sons altogether and the most confident of all them is my third, he's 26 - he attracts friends like a bee to pollen
It sounds like your husband's problems are down to his selfish parents never allowing him to have any friends or a social life or any form of independence and no doubt piled on plenty of emotional blackmail to avoid him from leaving their side. I fail to see how that's a problem with being an only child. I know plenty of only children who have very active social lives and lots of friends and equally a know a few who have siblings who have turned out to be total introverts.
Perhaps not cruel, but very selfish on the part of the parents. Children need someone near their own age to bond with, and a sibling ensures that, as there is no guarantee that they will be popular at school.
If one is an only child and is an outcast at primary school, then they are deprived of the ability to gel with their peers, making life at secondary school harder and life in the adult world even more difficult.
Pfft. I have five brothers, three half-siblings and three step-siblings, and I don't know them very well. My brothers and step-siblings are at least ten years older than me, and my half-siblings are at least 12 years younger than me. Yup, I was a marriage band-aid baby. A very bad idea on my parents' part, but such is life.
I never went to a school with any of my siblings. I didn't spend my childhood years with them much either as they were already busy with their lives except for my deaf brother, who appointed himself as my advisor. I was busy with mine when my oldest half-sibling was born. With all that in mind, I'm pretty much the only child.
Didn't matter because I had friends of my own age. I was very close to a couple of cousins, too.
Perhaps not cruel, but very selfish on the part of the parents. Children need someone near their own age to bond with, and a sibling ensures that, as there is no guarantee that they will be popular at school.
If one is an only child and is an outcast at primary school, then they are deprived of the ability to gel with their peers, making life at secondary school harder and life in the adult world even more difficult.
What are you on about? This is total bull.
I'm an only child and i never felt the need for siblings, actually i did not want them. Kids will establish relationships with others according to their own personalities, if they will be well adjusted individuals or not depends on a million factors . I was a very popular child and had loads of friends, but i also enjoyed going back home at the end of the day and doing my own thing. I never needed anyone to entertain me and even as a small child i could concentrate for hours on the same thing. Something that became quite valuable for my career. It was amazing particularly to have my mother undivided attention, she was quite young when she had me and she had infinite patience to explain the world to me. We had great fun together.
So i see absolutely no problem solely responsible one day, it's simply my turn to return the abundance of love I was given exclusively.
I disagree. My husband is an only and grew up surrounded by older people, grandparents, aunties, uncles....he was quite lonely as a child and his parents were the type that kept him close to home most of the time. In fact, he was often called their 'insurance policy for their old age' as they always expected he would never leave home and just stay and look after them. I have five sons altogether and the most confident of all them is my third, he's 26 - he attracts friends like a bee to pollen
Thats awful!! My parents were crazy when I was a child, always loads of mad parties and get togethers. I am basing my opinion on my upbringing, but yeah I can imagine it might not be fun for others. I also made friends where ever I went, even abroad when we couldnt speak the same language!
So i see absolutely no problem solely responsible one day, it's simply my turn to return the abundance of love I was given exclusively.
The issue is difficulty and emotional support. Just like its easier to raise a child with a partner so it is to go through a parents illness, decline and death with someone who is sharing the same experience at the same time. That doesn't mean that a single person can't do the job - just that it is good to have that mutual support as part of a network.
My daughter is an only child. We simply could not afford the childcare costs for two children, and I could not afford not to work. She has never wanted for company, she has cousins she is very close to, she has friends that she has made at the childminders, friends in the street, friends that belong to our friends, and friends at school.
She occasionally mentions that she would like a sibling, but invariably, she is happy to potter about by herself when she gets fed up of her friends.
As parents of an only child, sometimes we do feel a slight pang of guilt that she may want for company sometimes, but it does mean that we have been able to devote 100% of ourselves to her, and as a result she is a well balanced, polite, grounded, happy kid. We are very proud of her.
I had a sister growing up and as many have said on here, we fought like cat and dog when we were growing up, have very little in common, live 130 miles away from each other and don't hang out together, but when we do see each other, its nice to catch up.
My daughter is an only child. We simply could not afford the childcare costs for two children, and I could not afford not to work. She has never wanted for company, she has cousins she is very close to, she has friends that she has made at the childminders, friends in the street, friends that belong to our friends, and friends at school.
She occasionally mentions that she would like a sibling, but invariably, she is happy to potter about by herself when she gets fed up of her friends.
As parents of an only child, sometimes we do feel a slight pang of guilt that she may want for company sometimes, but it does mean that we have been able to devote 100% of ourselves to her, and as a result she is a well balanced, polite, grounded, happy kid. We are very proud of her.
I had a sister growing up and as many have said on here, we fought like cat and dog when we were growing up, have very little in common, live 130 miles away from each other and don't hang out together, but when we do see each other, its nice to catch up.
Childcare costs are what forced me to stay home in the end for a long time-they are bloody ridiculous, crippling.
I quite fancy your daughter's childhood, sounds very calm. I remember feeling desperate to have time to myself, there wasn't one room in the house, or even a little bit that I could call my own, stuff, babies and kids everywhere.The noise level, music, tv, plinky,plonky baby toys,crying, phew. I would get up at about 5-6am many days, just to get some peace.It's all very well having company and siblings, but it's nice to have some breathing space too.
I find my kids are happy to have company and equally happy when they go and vice verse if we're visiting and I know quite a few people who aren't close to their siblings, it's not unusual.
No I don't think it is. We thought long and hard about having a second child due to complications in my first pregnancy. I lost count of the amount of times I heard the its cruel to only have one child/you should give her a brother or sister argument. As it was we decided to have another child.
I'm now an only child (as such) my brother died (age 14) when I was 15. It is a scary thought that I'm 'on my own' as such, when anything happens to my parents (although fingers crossed I have many more years left with them, they had us very young and are only 52 and 57 respectively - I'm 35)
Life itself can be very cruel but only having one child (in my opinion) is not.
The issue is difficulty and emotional support. Just like its easier to raise a child with a partner so it is to go through a parents illness, decline and death with someone who is sharing the same experience at the same time. That doesn't mean that a single person can't do the job - just that it is good to have that mutual support as part of a network.
Not necessarily. From my experience the "support" of a network, depends very much on that network. So a single person taking all the decisions can be much better and infinitely less stressful than having a a bunch of siblings all with their own opinions and their own families safeguarding their own interests. Like it seems to happens all around me. Plus lets not forget that if you are an only child you are used to relying on yourself to taking decisions alone.
You cannot compare this with raising children. A child is not just yours, it's also your partners. It certainly benefits from the experience of those persons, because those two persons are also part of her. Your sibling are necessarily concerned with making your own life easier or too make you feel supported, even if they love you and do not mean any harm.
I wouldn't say it's cruel as such, but I personally wouldn't want to have an only child. I'd feel a bit guilty for not giving them a sibling to grow up with.
I don't think it's cruel, a couple may 'plan' to have more than one child but circumstances may make that not possible, finances, ill health, infertility etc.
I have a brother and we get on very well and haven't fought since we were early teens. My wife is an only child and she wants us to have more than one child as she feels she missed out by not having a sibling.
I have a five year old now who really really wants a brother or sister, which I would love to give her but it's just not going to happen. She doesn't even have any cousins yet, so the guilt I feel is huge.
I think you are idealising the loveliness of having a brother or sister. A lot of siblings are not close, or may even be hostile. They may be close at some ages and not at all close at others. My two are only a year and a half apart, and the older one had a horrible time when the little one came along: she was frantic with rage and jealousy, and far too young to manage it. I literally couldn't leave the two of them alone for a second or she would hurt the baby. Twice she threw her out of the pram into the road. But then they grew up extremely close and loyal to each other, almost like twins. Now they live 6000 miles apart, and inevitably they are less close again.
Perhaps not cruel, but very selfish on the part of the parents. Children need someone near their own age to bond with, and a sibling ensures that, as there is no guarantee that they will be popular at school.
If one is an only child and is an outcast at primary school, then they are deprived of the ability to gel with their peers, making life at secondary school harder and life in the adult world even more difficult.
Rubbish. Siblings are often no support whatsoever for each other, and you would be insane to think you could depend on it. I don't remember a single moment of closeness to my brother when we were growing up, even though we are only 18 months apart; I am fond of him now, but as a child he just wasn't in my orbit. I had friends as my friends, and if I didn't, I did without.
One benefit of being an only child is she will never have to experience the agony of losing a sibling, however the prospect of having to deal with elderly parents on ones own is a little scary.
In my experience the burden of dealing with elderly parents generally lands on one child, more or less. Siblings may be too far away, or unwell, or dealing with in-laws, or working long hours. In fact I am far too familiar, as everyone who works in elderly care is, with the phenomenon of the 'absent angel': this is the child who plays no part in their parents' lives, because they can never be there; they make absolutely none of the hard decisions and do none of the nagging about things like alarms and hospital appointments; the child who is doing all the work comes to be seen as a bully, and the one who never visits is an angel who would make everything perfect if only they were there.
Comments
Families are a right pain the ass. I don't know of any family that doesn't have some sort of feud or jealousy towards another part of their family. We have nothing to do with any of my family other than my parents and I prefer it that way. The less people there are, the less they can interfere and cause arguments. My wife on the other hand has a fairly close family with brothers and aunties etc and it drives me insane when they all get together. Every one of them wants to make it their business to interfere and tell you what's good for you and one of these days I'm gonna speak my mind and tell them to mind their own business. You wanna be doing this. Why don't you do that. etc and there's this constant bitching and back stabbing between parents and aunties and cousins and brothers etc who are all jealous of one another.
I'm much happier being an only child with just my wife and my son to be around and not having to have all this pretend close family crap when underneath we all know they couldn't really give a monkeys about us because that's why we only ever see them at funerals.
I have to disagree with this. Children will always bond with other children because of playgroup, school etc. I am extremely close to my childhood friends, we are family just without the same DNA. If anything being an only child makes you more confident in making friends.
So you think that it's a valid reason to have another child just so that it can support it's sibling when you get too old to support yourself? Surely you should have another child to love and care for it equally and not because you want them to provide company and emotional support for the other one. That's quite a selfish attitude to expect that one brother or sister will be there for the other one and there's no guarantee they will want to. They could end up falling out and hating one another and that then makes any family decisions ten times more difficult when neither one can agree on what's best for either of you.
So what if it means you have to shoulder all the burden yourself when it comes to family matters. That is just a very small part of life and broad shoulders makes you a stronger person. If anything I'd say that being an only child has made me more self reliant.
I can relate to this. I grew up with a brother, we weren't always close and fought a lot but got a lot closer as we got older. We shared a lot of memories of childhood that no-one else, not even friends or parents, would've been aware of. In-jokes and that kind of thing. My brother died a few years ago so now I guess I'm an only child and as my (divorced) parents are getting older I'm becoming more and more aware of how much decision-making/caring/responsibility is going to be mine to cope with alone.
For us two children is perfect, especially given the fact we struggled to have even one successful pregnancy when we first started out down the parenthood path.
I am one of four kids and my partner is one of six so we know the many wonderful benefits that come with siblings.
I have a friend who is an only child and she is probably the most balanced, kindest and least selfish person I know but she makes no secret of the fact she wishes she had a sibling.
I have known her for 20 years and she has always felt this way.
I disagree. My husband is an only and grew up surrounded by older people, grandparents, aunties, uncles....he was quite lonely as a child and his parents were the type that kept him close to home most of the time. In fact, he was often called their 'insurance policy for their old age' as they always expected he would never leave home and just stay and look after them. I have five sons altogether and the most confident of all them is my third, he's 26 - he attracts friends like a bee to pollen
I'm not interested in having more than one child at all.
I am 1 of 4, my Dad was 1 of 3 and my mum is 1 of 4, so we grew up in a big family and it was nice as there was always someone to play with and loads of Aunts and Uncles. We hope to have 2 and that was after I convinced him that 2 children would be better than 1 (he says he will go for the snip after the 2nd just to make sure we do only have 2).
It sounds like your husband's problems are down to his selfish parents never allowing him to have any friends or a social life or any form of independence and no doubt piled on plenty of emotional blackmail to avoid him from leaving their side. I fail to see how that's a problem with being an only child. I know plenty of only children who have very active social lives and lots of friends and equally a know a few who have siblings who have turned out to be total introverts.
Pfft. I have five brothers, three half-siblings and three step-siblings, and I don't know them very well. My brothers and step-siblings are at least ten years older than me, and my half-siblings are at least 12 years younger than me. Yup, I was a marriage band-aid baby.
I never went to a school with any of my siblings. I didn't spend my childhood years with them much either as they were already busy with their lives except for my deaf brother, who appointed himself as my advisor. I was busy with mine when my oldest half-sibling was born. With all that in mind, I'm pretty much the only child.
Didn't matter because I had friends of my own age. I was very close to a couple of cousins, too.
What are you on about? This is total bull.
I'm an only child and i never felt the need for siblings, actually i did not want them. Kids will establish relationships with others according to their own personalities, if they will be well adjusted individuals or not depends on a million factors . I was a very popular child and had loads of friends, but i also enjoyed going back home at the end of the day and doing my own thing. I never needed anyone to entertain me and even as a small child i could concentrate for hours on the same thing. Something that became quite valuable for my career. It was amazing particularly to have my mother undivided attention, she was quite young when she had me and she had infinite patience to explain the world to me. We had great fun together.
So i see absolutely no problem solely responsible one day, it's simply my turn to return the abundance of love I was given exclusively.
The issue is difficulty and emotional support. Just like its easier to raise a child with a partner so it is to go through a parents illness, decline and death with someone who is sharing the same experience at the same time. That doesn't mean that a single person can't do the job - just that it is good to have that mutual support as part of a network.
She occasionally mentions that she would like a sibling, but invariably, she is happy to potter about by herself when she gets fed up of her friends.
As parents of an only child, sometimes we do feel a slight pang of guilt that she may want for company sometimes, but it does mean that we have been able to devote 100% of ourselves to her, and as a result she is a well balanced, polite, grounded, happy kid. We are very proud of her.
I had a sister growing up and as many have said on here, we fought like cat and dog when we were growing up, have very little in common, live 130 miles away from each other and don't hang out together, but when we do see each other, its nice to catch up.
Childcare costs are what forced me to stay home in the end for a long time-they are bloody ridiculous, crippling.
I quite fancy your daughter's childhood, sounds very calm. I remember feeling desperate to have time to myself, there wasn't one room in the house, or even a little bit that I could call my own, stuff, babies and kids everywhere.The noise level, music, tv, plinky,plonky baby toys,crying, phew. I would get up at about 5-6am many days, just to get some peace.It's all very well having company and siblings, but it's nice to have some breathing space too.
I find my kids are happy to have company and equally happy when they go and vice verse if we're visiting and I know quite a few people who aren't close to their siblings, it's not unusual.
I'm now an only child (as such) my brother died (age 14) when I was 15. It is a scary thought that I'm 'on my own' as such, when anything happens to my parents (although fingers crossed I have many more years left with them, they had us very young and are only 52 and 57 respectively - I'm 35)
Life itself can be very cruel but only having one child (in my opinion) is not.
Not necessarily. From my experience the "support" of a network, depends very much on that network. So a single person taking all the decisions can be much better and infinitely less stressful than having a a bunch of siblings all with their own opinions and their own families safeguarding their own interests. Like it seems to happens all around me. Plus lets not forget that if you are an only child you are used to relying on yourself to taking decisions alone.
You cannot compare this with raising children. A child is not just yours, it's also your partners. It certainly benefits from the experience of those persons, because those two persons are also part of her. Your sibling are necessarily concerned with making your own life easier or too make you feel supported, even if they love you and do not mean any harm.
I have a brother and we get on very well and haven't fought since we were early teens. My wife is an only child and she wants us to have more than one child as she feels she missed out by not having a sibling.
I am too competitive. I would have eaten a brother or sister.
In my experience the burden of dealing with elderly parents generally lands on one child, more or less. Siblings may be too far away, or unwell, or dealing with in-laws, or working long hours. In fact I am far too familiar, as everyone who works in elderly care is, with the phenomenon of the 'absent angel': this is the child who plays no part in their parents' lives, because they can never be there; they make absolutely none of the hard decisions and do none of the nagging about things like alarms and hospital appointments; the child who is doing all the work comes to be seen as a bully, and the one who never visits is an angel who would make everything perfect if only they were there.