That's what happens unfortunately - even in more normal circumstances (you always feel maybe you should have bothered more - I'm not the sort of person who appears to bother). I'm 48 and have lost both parents now.
Well this thread isn't about me however I cut my dad out of my life a few years ago now it took a long time to realise I wasn't the problem and was better off without him and the feelings he incited within me, changed my surname and let go as much as you possible can. I don't know how I will feel when inevitably he dies but I don't think I will regret it
Don't wish people dead, if you hate them that much walk away from them. My father died 10 years ago, and my mother died 3 weeks ago, we had our ups and downs over the years, but I would give anything to have them back.
Yes, because it's an 11 year olds responsibility to intervene in such things. What a ridiculous thing to say. If you have kids then please don't go filling them with unrealistic things they "should have done". It's not the best attitude to have.
So while the violence continued on a regular basis until you left home at 18, you were still standing by and letting him do it instead of making any attempt to stop it? You weren't a child at 18.
so all the kids out there that don't do anything and witness the abuse are just good for nothing I suppose and don't give a shite about their families =, nothing like spouting off on a subject you clearly don't know anything about, most kids would not and do not do as your friend did.
You have no idea if you would have done the same
I think we can safely say all kids are going to react differently to abuse, there is no one way or another that is "right".
When I was 12 I witnessed my uncle beating my favourite Aunt and I leapt in her defence and got a good kicking myself for it, but a few years later I did nothing when I saw my mother beat my father.
Although saying that I did also rescue my dad from being knifed by my mum, by wrestling the knife off her, but I was an adult then.
Different kids react differently to different situations, simple as that.
Anyway OP, as you can imagine, I no longer have anything to do with my mother, for many reasons, but I just cut her out of my life a few years ago. I don't wish her dead but you can simple remove someone from your life instead.
I think we can safely say all kids are going to react differently to abuse, there is no one way or another that is "right".
When I was 12 I witnessed my uncle beating my favourite Aunt and I leapt in her defence and got a good kicking myself for it, but a few years later I did nothing when I saw my mother beat my father.
Although saying that I did also rescue my dad from being knifed by my mum, by wrestling the knife off her, but I was an adult then.
Different kids react differently to different situations, simple as that.
Anyway OP, as you can imagine, I no longer have anything to do with my mother, for many reasons, but I just cut her out of my life a few years ago. I don't wish her dead but you can simple remove someone from your life instead.
I am not disputing that, but to make the kids feel bad that didn't fight back or to tell them they acted wrong which in effect that poster did is wrong. Same with the post above abusing the victim and telling them they acted wrongly is shameful and horrible
most children having witnessed abuse from an early age would not fight back its different when you are older and you know something is wrong or you are stronger and less scared to do anything, though some people may never feel brave enough to fight back that doesn't mean they are less than anyone else or care less about their families
I am not disputing that, but to make the kids feel bad that didn't fight back or to tell them they acted wrong which in effect that poster did is wrong. Same with the post above abusing the victim and telling them they acted wrongly is shameful and horrible
most children having witnessed abuse from an early age would not fight back its different when you are older and you know something is wrong or you are stronger and less scared to do anything, though some people may never feel brave enough to fight back that doesn't mean they are less than anyone else or care less about their families
I think it's a case that you have to have been in that situation to understand it which is why I couldn't be bothered to keep responding to those types of post.
My dad was very domineering to my mum,my three brothers and myself. He would treat us terribly but my mum loved him to bits and would never leave him for long. I spent my childhood trying to keep the peace between my dad and everyone else. I was the only girl so I didn't get thrashed quite as much as my brothers When my mum and dad were in their 80s, dad got dementia and mum looked after him, doing everything for him until he died when she was 89. She then had nothing to live for and slowly went downhill until she too had dementia. She died at 97.
I hated my childhood but never really hated my parents. I could see my dad had some sort of mental illness that was never diagnosed and made allowances for him. Its funny but I could call hell out of him but would never allow anyone else to. You only get one set of parents and there will always be a bond. I sometimes got annoyed with mum because she put up with far too much but people are flawed and I loved my parents unconditionally. It was not until dad got dementia that I realised how much I would love to just sit down with him and have a conversation. I would have loved to have found out what his problems were and be able to understand more. Now he and my mum have gone I regret many things. I think you will too, which is such a shame.
I think it's a case that you have to have been in that situation to understand it which is why I couldn't be bothered to keep responding to those types of post.
I just get frustrated having been in that situation that people who have no idea about domestic abuse go "well I would do this" and "of course you should just pile on in the middle of a fight", like you don't have enough shite to overcome having gone through that for someone to say well you weren't good enough and clearly didn't love your family cos you didn't do this blah blah blah
My brother had a far tougher time than me in the respect he felt he should have protected mum or done better over the years he has made suicide attempts and had drug problems and it hurts me to think people out there want to make him feel more awful than he already does about a situation he couldn't prevent or stop because he was a child, but who cares if you can get away with abusing people and making them feel like crap over the internet its all the more fun for some people
I just get frustrated having been in that situation that people who have no idea about domestic abuse go "well I would do this" and "of course you should just pile on in the middle of a fight", like you don't have enough shite to overcome having gone through that for someone to say well you weren't good enough and clearly didn't love your family cos you didn't do this blah blah blah
My brother had a far tougher time than me in the respect he felt he should have protected mum or done better over the years he has made suicide attempts and had drug problems and it hurts me to think people out there want to make him feel more awful than he already does about a situation he couldn't prevent or stop because he was a child, but who cares if you can get away with abusing people and making them feel like crap over the internet its all the more fun for some people
I know where you're coming from, TWS, because when my brothers found out about abuses suffered by me and my sister they were overwhelmed with guilt that they didn't defend us. The fact that they never knew had nothing to do with it, so your brother must have felt a lot worse, and I'm so sorry. By the time a child is of an age to defend a victim adult, the child is so conditioned to the behaviour that they're in as bad a position of mental suffering as the victim. When I got older, I was surprised to learn that what went on in my house was the exception, not the rule.
But please believe me, it's only a very small minority who said a child should have done something. In general, the ignorance about domestic abuse is still bad but it's much better nowadays than it used to be - things are getting better all the time.
I know where you're coming from, TWS, because when my brothers found out about abuses suffered by me and my sister they were overwhelmed with guilt that they didn't defend us. The fact that they never knew had nothing to do with it, so your brother must have felt a lot worse, and I'm so sorry. By the time a child is of an age to defend a victim adult, the child is so conditioned to the behaviour that they're in as bad a position of mental suffering as the victim. When I got older, I was surprised to learn that what went on in my house was the exception, not the rule.
But please believe me, it's only a very small minority who said a child should have done something. In general, the ignorance about domestic abuse is still bad but it's much better nowadays than it used to be - things are getting better all the time.
I know things are a lot better now especially with the police whereas before they would not take the abuser away unless the victim said they were going to press charges at the time that's if they came out at all.
My family stuff is so far in the past now its like it happened to someone else and tbh I always think loads of people have had so much worse that the level of abuse was minimal that its almost become meaningless as I have got older and seen / heard what has happened to other families. That's not to say that I condone it or condone any abuse just that I am grateful it was not worse as I don't know how some people get through it.
I just get frustrated at the level of ignorance of some people, most people however if they are ignorant on a subject wouldn't comment on it, but there are always the few that will gob off and not think for a moment about what they are saying, however just because its the net I still think they should be bought up on what they are saying because perhaps they just don't think and have no idea they could really upset someone who already has enough to deal with.
Then I am assuming it is ignorance could just be baiting but I always hope they will leave that stuff for general discussion instead of advice
I'm sorry for whatever you have gone through Relly x I think it is always nice to know there are people out there that have endured but gone on to live better lives and give big hugs to your brothers, emotional trauma is so hard to get over the mind is so complex and fragile
I haven't read all of the other replies, but it sounds as if some counselling to help you to understand the dynamics might help if you could get it, to also help you understand that setting your own boundaries is fine. You've had a very hard time and there have been moments in my life, certainly not to that extent that I've been on the end of a manipulative mother. I still have manipulative family members and to be honest, the only thing I want to do is avoid them. Although I get on with them to be civil with I find myself shut of from them emotionally, just indifferent emotionally. I have one sister who is extremely manipulative emotionally. She can be charming one moment, but if you say something or do something she doesn't like, she turns on the screaming and shouting histrionics until she gets the response she wants. She then turns off the histrionics and is all smiles again when she gets the desired response and it leaves the person on the receiving end of it feeling like they've been emotionally raped. I can't trust her. And I want nothing to do with people who can do that.
You just have it worse and to more extremes.
It sounds like your Mum has been abused to the point that she has learned helplessness. You shouldn't have to carry the burden for your Mum emotionally. It sounds like the 200 mile gap between you and your parents is a good thing.
I understand that you have your anger issues, but your Mum has a lot to deal with. She can't expect you to deal with it. She probably isn't unhinged but badly abused and she WILL feel incredibly hurt by you calling her names, too. She probably feels guilt at what you went through. But at the moment, she sounds beaten down herself. She probably knows you are angry and she is probably desperate not to lose having a relationship with you but the way she is going about that is driving you away, and it's probably that desperation that is making her manipulative.
I know you say that you don't need counselling, however you are carrying a lot of anger and you parents suddenly disappearing, wouldn't change that. It wouldn't magically make things fine overnight.
I think you need a fair bit of time to get through this yourself. Your anger may dissipate over time and you may think differently. You may not. However it is a possibility. While I would set boundaries with your parents, and your anger IS MORE than understandable, honest it is. I think being more patient with your Mum might help along with some reassurance that while you won't put up with the manipulation, you will be there for her.
She is probably incredibly hurting herself at the moment. You should also encourage her to get some counselling if it is available.
I haven't read all of the other replies, but it sounds as if some counselling to help you to understand the dynamics might help if you could get it, to also help you understand that setting your own boundaries is fine. You've had a very hard time and there have been moments in my life, certainly not to that extent that I've been on the end of a manipulative mother. I still have manipulative family members and to be honest, the only thing I want to do is avoid them. Although I get on with them to be civil with I find myself shut of from them emotionally, just indifferent emotionally. I have one sister who is extremely manipulative emotionally. She can be charming one moment, but if you say something or do something she doesn't like, she turns on the screaming and shouting histrionics until she gets the response she wants. She then turns off the histrionics and is all smiles again when she gets the desired response and it leaves the person on the receiving end of it feeling like they've been emotionally raped. I can't trust her. And I want nothing to do with people who can do that.
You just have it worse and to more extremes.
It sounds like your Mum has been abused to the point that she has learned helplessness. You shouldn't have to carry the burden for your Mum emotionally. It sounds like the 200 mile gap between you and your parents is a good thing.
I understand that you have your anger issues, but your Mum has a lot to deal with. She can't expect you to deal with it. She probably isn't unhinged but badly abused and she WILL feel incredibly hurt by you calling her names, too. She probably feels guilt at what you went through. But at the moment, she sounds beaten down herself. She probably knows you are angry and she is probably desperate not to lose having a relationship with you but the way she is going about that is driving you away, and it's probably that desperation that is making her manipulative.
I know you say that you don't need counselling, however you are carrying a lot of anger and you parents suddenly disappearing, wouldn't change that. It wouldn't magically make things fine overnight.
I think you need a fair bit of time to get through this yourself. Your anger may dissipate over time and you may think differently. You may not. However it is a possibility. While I would set boundaries with your parents, and your anger IS MORE than understandable, honest it is. I think being more patient with your Mum might help along with some reassurance that while you won't put up with the manipulation, you will be there for her.
She is probably incredibly hurting herself at the moment. You should also encourage her to get some counselling if it is available.
Good post. I agree with all of it. Hope OP listens.
When I was told by the police (over 2 years ago) my mother died, I was happy. I still don't know why the police came to my place as I hadn't spoken to her for quite a few years and couldn't fathom if she was the one who wanted me to know. It's only recently that I was told it was lung cancer, but I have no desire to find out where she's buried. But when I was told, I just couldn't care less. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I thought. Plus this was 9 months after Mr Q passed away so couldn't quite muster up the tears for her. Now looking forward to the day when my father dies. I hope agonizingly so. If this seems harsh that is nothing compared to the years of hell they put me through.
Comments
Well this thread isn't about me however I cut my dad out of my life a few years ago now it took a long time to realise I wasn't the problem and was better off without him and the feelings he incited within me, changed my surname and let go as much as you possible can. I don't know how I will feel when inevitably he dies but I don't think I will regret it
So while the violence continued on a regular basis until you left home at 18, you were still standing by and letting him do it instead of making any attempt to stop it? You weren't a child at 18.
I think we can safely say all kids are going to react differently to abuse, there is no one way or another that is "right".
When I was 12 I witnessed my uncle beating my favourite Aunt and I leapt in her defence and got a good kicking myself for it, but a few years later I did nothing when I saw my mother beat my father.
Although saying that I did also rescue my dad from being knifed by my mum, by wrestling the knife off her, but I was an adult then.
Different kids react differently to different situations, simple as that.
Anyway OP, as you can imagine, I no longer have anything to do with my mother, for many reasons, but I just cut her out of my life a few years ago. I don't wish her dead but you can simple remove someone from your life instead.
I am not disputing that, but to make the kids feel bad that didn't fight back or to tell them they acted wrong which in effect that poster did is wrong. Same with the post above abusing the victim and telling them they acted wrongly is shameful and horrible
most children having witnessed abuse from an early age would not fight back its different when you are older and you know something is wrong or you are stronger and less scared to do anything, though some people may never feel brave enough to fight back that doesn't mean they are less than anyone else or care less about their families
I think it's a case that you have to have been in that situation to understand it which is why I couldn't be bothered to keep responding to those types of post.
I hated my childhood but never really hated my parents. I could see my dad had some sort of mental illness that was never diagnosed and made allowances for him. Its funny but I could call hell out of him but would never allow anyone else to. You only get one set of parents and there will always be a bond. I sometimes got annoyed with mum because she put up with far too much but people are flawed and I loved my parents unconditionally. It was not until dad got dementia that I realised how much I would love to just sit down with him and have a conversation. I would have loved to have found out what his problems were and be able to understand more. Now he and my mum have gone I regret many things. I think you will too, which is such a shame.
I just get frustrated having been in that situation that people who have no idea about domestic abuse go "well I would do this" and "of course you should just pile on in the middle of a fight", like you don't have enough shite to overcome having gone through that for someone to say well you weren't good enough and clearly didn't love your family cos you didn't do this blah blah blah
My brother had a far tougher time than me in the respect he felt he should have protected mum or done better over the years he has made suicide attempts and had drug problems and it hurts me to think people out there want to make him feel more awful than he already does about a situation he couldn't prevent or stop because he was a child, but who cares if you can get away with abusing people and making them feel like crap over the internet its all the more fun for some people
I know where you're coming from, TWS, because when my brothers found out about abuses suffered by me and my sister they were overwhelmed with guilt that they didn't defend us. The fact that they never knew had nothing to do with it, so your brother must have felt a lot worse, and I'm so sorry. By the time a child is of an age to defend a victim adult, the child is so conditioned to the behaviour that they're in as bad a position of mental suffering as the victim. When I got older, I was surprised to learn that what went on in my house was the exception, not the rule.
But please believe me, it's only a very small minority who said a child should have done something. In general, the ignorance about domestic abuse is still bad but it's much better nowadays than it used to be - things are getting better all the time.
I know things are a lot better now especially with the police whereas before they would not take the abuser away unless the victim said they were going to press charges at the time that's if they came out at all.
My family stuff is so far in the past now its like it happened to someone else and tbh I always think loads of people have had so much worse that the level of abuse was minimal that its almost become meaningless as I have got older and seen / heard what has happened to other families. That's not to say that I condone it or condone any abuse just that I am grateful it was not worse as I don't know how some people get through it.
I just get frustrated at the level of ignorance of some people, most people however if they are ignorant on a subject wouldn't comment on it, but there are always the few that will gob off and not think for a moment about what they are saying, however just because its the net I still think they should be bought up on what they are saying because perhaps they just don't think and have no idea they could really upset someone who already has enough to deal with.
Then I am assuming it is ignorance could just be baiting but I always hope they will leave that stuff for general discussion instead of advice
I'm sorry for whatever you have gone through Relly x I think it is always nice to know there are people out there that have endured but gone on to live better lives and give big hugs to your brothers, emotional trauma is so hard to get over the mind is so complex and fragile
You just have it worse and to more extremes.
It sounds like your Mum has been abused to the point that she has learned helplessness. You shouldn't have to carry the burden for your Mum emotionally. It sounds like the 200 mile gap between you and your parents is a good thing.
I understand that you have your anger issues, but your Mum has a lot to deal with. She can't expect you to deal with it. She probably isn't unhinged but badly abused and she WILL feel incredibly hurt by you calling her names, too. She probably feels guilt at what you went through. But at the moment, she sounds beaten down herself. She probably knows you are angry and she is probably desperate not to lose having a relationship with you but the way she is going about that is driving you away, and it's probably that desperation that is making her manipulative.
I know you say that you don't need counselling, however you are carrying a lot of anger and you parents suddenly disappearing, wouldn't change that. It wouldn't magically make things fine overnight.
I think you need a fair bit of time to get through this yourself. Your anger may dissipate over time and you may think differently. You may not. However it is a possibility. While I would set boundaries with your parents, and your anger IS MORE than understandable, honest it is. I think being more patient with your Mum might help along with some reassurance that while you won't put up with the manipulation, you will be there for her.
She is probably incredibly hurting herself at the moment. You should also encourage her to get some counselling if it is available.
Good post. I agree with all of it. Hope OP listens.
Can't believe that a mother would let her children go through that it's absolutely appalling.
hugs to you.