should i give my baby my surname or my ex boyfriend name

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  • Nessun DormaNessun Dorma Posts: 12,846
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    TWS wrote: »
    Not sure what you're getting at?

    Erm...that the father does not have to be there.
  • Nessun DormaNessun Dorma Posts: 12,846
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    TWS wrote: »
    Again I'm not quite sure of the point you are trying to convey

    That there are some people on here who would have this father excluded from the child's life.
  • Nessun DormaNessun Dorma Posts: 12,846
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    PrincessTT wrote: »
    No he doesn't... But by the same token she can't just go and put his name on the birth certificate.

    In the case of your neighbour I would guess that he if could have been there then he would have been, and so he would have happily signed the required forms in order for his girlfriend to put him on the birth certificate.

    In the case of the OP it would be fair to assume that if the dad doesn't want to go to register the birth then he probably won't want to fill in the form to allow the OP to put him on the birth certificate.

    Hopefully he'll man-up once the baby is here and they'll go to register the baby together, it was simply being pointed out to the OP that if he doesn't show up to the registration or if he doesn't want to be involved when their daughter is here then she can't put his name on the birth certificate.

    Not according to some on this thread.

    Certainly not in this case:
    Rab64 wrote: »
    Give your baby your surname, also get rid of the father from your life, or he will only cause you problems in the future.
    It may also be advisable NOT to register him as the father.
  • TWSTWS Posts: 9,307
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    Erm...that the father does not have to be there.

    So you knew the answer all along but wanted to be pedantic and pick at people's posts I see, well yes there is a form for everything you know, if he can't be arsed to attend the registery office I'm sure the form would hold no interest
  • Nessun DormaNessun Dorma Posts: 12,846
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    TWS wrote: »
    So you knew the answer all along but wanted to be pedantic and pick at people's posts I see, well yes there is a form for everything you know, if he can't be arsed to attend the registery office I'm sure the form would hold no interest

    And you know him well enough to assume that?
  • TWSTWS Posts: 9,307
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    That there are some people on here who would have this father excluded from the child's life.

    Well it seems like the father is going to do that job for himself far better for the child if he is absent rather than a constant let down
  • TWSTWS Posts: 9,307
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    And you know him well enough to assume that?

    Again with the sarcasm , yes he's my best friend Tim he's a total knob but what you gonna do.
  • elliecatelliecat Posts: 9,890
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    I am sure when the time comes you will know what to do and that is only something you can decide (not people on here who for whatever reason have strong views on whether he should know his child or not or should even be named on the birth certificate and in some cases denied the right to get to the know the child).

    He's only 23 and the last thing on his mind is probably having a screaming baby to look after, he probably wants to go out with his friends. Personally I think he is scared(it's a big thing for anyone but at 23 he probably has so much he wants to do) and that in time when it all starts to sink in and become real for him he may well change his mind and get his act together. Keep him involved and if he fails then at least you know you can say you have given him the chance.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 485
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    thank you everyone for your thoughts and kind words.

    I dont think its going to be an issue of him coming to register the birth, he will want tto do that, however, its the fact of the baby not having his surname, when we did originally agree this - in the early stages of my pregnancy. He has mentioned her name a few times, saying it aloud ending in his surname. I feel horribly guilty at the thought he thinks its definitely this name whilst im thinking differently.

    I think i definitely want to call my daughter my name, just because like a lot of people point out, i am going to be her main carer, she will reside with me, i will be the one who takes her on holiday and to appointments etc, and also as someone else said - its me and her against the world! I want her to share my name.

    I think her father will be massively upset at the prospect of his first baby not being named after him, i want to put it to him that if things were to work out differently in future then i will change the name.

    is there anything else i can say to him to soften this blow?
  • PuckyPucky Posts: 4,503
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    Zorbo wrote: »
    is there anything else i can say to him to soften this blow?

    Could you not find some way of getting his name into hers? Not as a surname but perhaps as a middle name as a compromise?
  • doormousedoormouse Posts: 2,268
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    Zorbo wrote: »
    i know you are right, i am just worried that if i dont give her his name he will be even less interested in her. I hate this whole sorry situation ive put myself in.

    How would i go about telling him that i want to give her my surname?

    Ive thought about nothing else for months now, i think the right thing to do is give her my name, based on the fact that he hasnt bothered, he clearly has no commitment or love for me, he is very disrespectful when it comes to me because i dont allow him to do as he pleases and walk all over me - he is used to getting his own way. Its hard saying no to him. I still have feelings for him, but more than anything he makes me so angry at the way he has treat me during this pregnancy. i dont think i will get over this or forget it all anytime soon.

    I have done it all myself, leaned on my friends and family for support when i needed it, not him. My daughter will live with me, i am now facing the realities of being this single parent so why should i give her his name? I dont want it to turn nasty, his mother is excited about being a grandmother and only yesterday has offered to purchase the pushchair. we have not always seen eye to eye but i want to try and remain civil, for the babies sake. she seems to be doing the same.

    at what point do i say that im not calling her his surname?

    thank you for taking the time to reply


    If he's worth anything at all, he won't let a detail like this stop him from being involved in your child's life. Nor will the child's grandmother.

    I was in your position many years ago, and I wish you good luck. :)
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 67
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    Also think about practicalities. I gave my daughter her father's surname but when I took her to USA I had to have a permission letter from him with his passport info on for me to take MY daughter out of the country, as I had different surname to hers on my passport. I understand they have to be careful incase of kidnapping etc but it's a bit strange considering I have raised her 24/7 on my own.
  • WolfsheadishWolfsheadish Posts: 10,400
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    Starpuss wrote: »
    I'm baffled why you are even asking :confused:

    You aren't married to him, don't live with him and have a volatile relationship. The question should be why would you give the baby his name?

    This.
  • karapote monkeykarapote monkey Posts: 3,688
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    only if you are married the father doesn't have to be there, if you are not, then he has to attend the registration.
  • karapote monkeykarapote monkey Posts: 3,688
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    Zorbo, I would tell him the baby has your name but it can be changed later (believe it or not, my parents changed mine and my sister's birth certificates when we were in our thirties and without us knowing until they came through the letterbox). You just want to see how the family dynamic pans out as you are worried about previous comments.
  • TheToonArmyTheToonArmy Posts: 2,908
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    My daughter had a son a few years back, she was only 18 and not married to her then boyfriend although they were together.

    I made a point of making sure my grandson was registered in our surname.

    1 year later they split, 3 years later he has not made any effort to see him.

    If not married you should register the child in your name.
  • LifeisGoodLifeisGood Posts: 1,027
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    Jems wrote: »
    I had a similar situation when I was pregnant. I gave my son my surname because I was unsure how he would be as a father and I wouldn't inflict his name on my child if he turned out to be worthless. So his birth certificate has my name. As it happened he was and is a great father, the best I could hope for. And so when my boy was a year old I changed his name by deed poll and now he has his dad's surname which is what I wanted originally. Even though we aren't together we are friends , and I don't regret changing his name, or giving him my name first. You always have the same option I did. Good luck with the birth and I hope your baby is happy and healthy :)

    I can't understand why, if you have to pick one surname for the child, the preference would be anything but the parent the child lives with. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, only that I can't see the logical or emotional reasoning behind it.

    As other posters have pointed out, if your child has a different name to the parent, it can raise questions from authorities, and other people. From an emotional perspective, it would feel strange to me if my child did not have my surname. It just seems like a given to me.
  • RosieRayRosieRay Posts: 185
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    Plus when your child is at school or nursery you will constantly be referred to as Mrs X (insert ex partners surname!) It happens to a couple of my friends whose children have the father's surname and drives them nuts!

    I find the name thing bizarre personally and don't see why men think it's their right to have a child named after them, just because they are the father. I'm about to have a baby and am married but the baby will have a double barrelled name (I know some people hate that). I wouldn't even consider it just having my husband's name and we are happily married!
  • PrincessTTPrincessTT Posts: 4,300
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    only if you are married the father doesn't have to be there, if you are not, then he has to attend the registration.

    As has already been mentioned, if you're not married there is paperwork that the man can fill in to allow the woman to put him on the birth certificate without him being there at the registration.

    https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

    I gave my son my surname and 2 years later when my daughter was born (different dad) she got my surname as well... If they both had their dad's surnames then it would be way too confusing.
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