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Argument with sister
thefairydandy
Posts: 3,235 Forum Member
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Hi
I was wondering whether people could give advice on an argument I had with my sister recently, as I was the last one to get in touch, but I haven't heard from her for a week.
She is engaged, and my best friend used to be with her fiance's brother. As such, they saw each other a lot at family events. When the three of us were together, they would often talk A LOT about the family - not just in a quick catch up way, and not in an inclusive way (e.g. not telling me about them in an anecdotal way, but talking exclusively and directly to each other leaving me like a numpty).
Naturally this was annoying and occasionally upsetting, because I've had some self esteem issues in the past (not their fault, I know), and it was both rude and boring to carry on like that, and I didn't feel that in a conversation between me, my sister and my best friend, I should be feeling left out.
When my friend broke up with her bf last year, I was actually relieved I wouldn't have to endure them excluding me, However, on Boxing Day last year we all sat together in a club, and the same old pattern came out again.
As I was a bit frustrated and, ahem, 'tired and emotional' I had it out with my sister that night, and she was very upset (we both cried). She apologised and said that she was only trying to connect with her because they felt they had less in common. I said I knew they weren't doing it intentionally but I felt like they overdid it. We parted friendly, and I was happy to think that I'd finally got it off my chest and it wouldn't happen again.
Since then, I contacted my sister to see if me and my friend could join their group for a team event in May, and after refusing on the phone, she texted me saying that she didn't feel comfortable spending time with us both after what I said and that she thought it was 'unfair'.
I messaged back by facebook as she requested, saying that all I had asked for was to not exclude me quite so much (she has phrased it 'talk to her at all'), and that I couldn't help feeling the way I did (and surely she didn't want me to go on being miserable?)
I haven't heard from her since. Any idea as to what I am supposed to do next?
I was wondering whether people could give advice on an argument I had with my sister recently, as I was the last one to get in touch, but I haven't heard from her for a week.
She is engaged, and my best friend used to be with her fiance's brother. As such, they saw each other a lot at family events. When the three of us were together, they would often talk A LOT about the family - not just in a quick catch up way, and not in an inclusive way (e.g. not telling me about them in an anecdotal way, but talking exclusively and directly to each other leaving me like a numpty).
Naturally this was annoying and occasionally upsetting, because I've had some self esteem issues in the past (not their fault, I know), and it was both rude and boring to carry on like that, and I didn't feel that in a conversation between me, my sister and my best friend, I should be feeling left out.
When my friend broke up with her bf last year, I was actually relieved I wouldn't have to endure them excluding me, However, on Boxing Day last year we all sat together in a club, and the same old pattern came out again.
As I was a bit frustrated and, ahem, 'tired and emotional' I had it out with my sister that night, and she was very upset (we both cried). She apologised and said that she was only trying to connect with her because they felt they had less in common. I said I knew they weren't doing it intentionally but I felt like they overdid it. We parted friendly, and I was happy to think that I'd finally got it off my chest and it wouldn't happen again.
Since then, I contacted my sister to see if me and my friend could join their group for a team event in May, and after refusing on the phone, she texted me saying that she didn't feel comfortable spending time with us both after what I said and that she thought it was 'unfair'.
I messaged back by facebook as she requested, saying that all I had asked for was to not exclude me quite so much (she has phrased it 'talk to her at all'), and that I couldn't help feeling the way I did (and surely she didn't want me to go on being miserable?)
I haven't heard from her since. Any idea as to what I am supposed to do next?
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Comments
Say you're sorry for any ill feeling (if you are) and ask that you clear the air.
Once direct contact has been established, things will pan out, hopefully for the better.
Oh, and if something similar happens in the future, I'd suggest pointing it out in a jokey way: "you two, at it again!" and laughing it off. Make it unimportant, and it will be.
Try to take your emotions away from the problem and basically your sister spent too much time in your opinion talking to your friend. Try looking at from your sisters point of view or asking her calmly. I'm sure she saw it completely different to you.
This is only something minor which can be sorted with you speaking to one another face to face, sooner rather than later.
Your sister has not purposely done something to upset you or to make you feel left out but due to you feeling a bit low this is how you felt and saw it. As for asking if you and your friend could join her group she probably feels uncomfortable speaking to your friend now when you are around In case you take it the wrong way.
From how you describe your sisters response and her crying and being upset it seems she genuinely had no idea how you were feeling.
Take a deep breath and ring her, talk it through calmly and I'm sure you will both apologise to one another for unintentional upset.
You can work it out.
Agree with this, you could always try joining in the conversation and then steering it around to a different subject you can all talk about as you know both their interests.
This is true - we were both over emotional when we originally talked about it (alcohol involved), and she asked me to reply by facebook, I think, in an attempt to get the facts clear and simple, and I deliberately didn't reply for a few days because I wanted to make sure I knew what point I was trying to make.
What confused me was that I thought we had sorted it out, and I had made myself reasonably clear, and she seemed to know that too on the night, but when she came back to say it was 'unfair' I didn't understand what she meant and since I've had no clarification since then, it's hard to know on what footing to go into a conversation.
I also feel like leaving it until Sunday to call her as this gives her a couple more days to reply, for two reasons.
1) I had the chance to send my message in as clear and simple terms I could, without having the distraction and challenge of her interupting and I think it would be helpful for her to reply in the same way before we talk in person.
2) She can have a hell of a temper, and does not fight in the same way as me, so it may be easier to clear a couple of things up in writing first.
I also want to talk to my friend about it, but it's hard to broach the subject, because I didn't want this conversation to be a big deal, but at the same time I did feel it was really rude. One of the reasons I was kind of sensitive about it is that my friend doesn't have any siblings, so was keen to 'obtain' them in this family. They all lived near to each other in Manchester and I joked once on facebook when they had a meeting that 'Chuh, it's not a real gang meeting if I'm not there, I'm the lynchpin', and my sis commented 'Nope, everything felt complete...' - just so you know, even though she hasn't done anything to deliberately hurt me, she hasn't gone out of her way to be nice either.
An extra point is that we have never actually argued before! The reason that I know how she argues is that she is always calling me in the middle of fights with her fiance to shout about it, whereas me and my boyfriend argue in a much quieter way.