I would seriously consider your reasons for staying. You are lucky, you have family that will give you a roof over your head and you're worried about not having access to a laptop and privacy and money?
I would rather have my dignity, no money, a safe place to stay and the freedom to be me than controlled by a man who scares you. If he loved you he wouldn't be this way and if you yourself thought you were worth better (which you are) then you'd make the break come hell or high water!
You will get older and more accustomed to existing his way and you'll one day look back and wonder why you didn't make your escape.....I wish you well and hope you find strength to make your life better!
I am certainly not staying for money,I have stated that! Me and my partner are not well off at all.
it is my quiet time alone that i cherish and that is the reason i stay,nothing to do with money..
i don't expect people to understand but it is very important to me. I get nervous going out and so love being in the house when my partner is away,I can do as I please.play my music as loud as I want take ,spill food items (!!)long baths etc then when he comes home yes,I feel stifled again.
I don't wish to de-rail the thread either, but I would just like to take the opportunity to say how proud I am of all that Jem has achieved since she left her now ex husband. She's done amazingly, as have the kids.
I won't say anymore as it's for her to do, but as we have now met in person several times, and even spent the weekend in a tent together with the kids, she is honestly inspirational.
I don't know the extent of your friend Jem's abuse. I am pleased her situation is resolved though My partner only emotionally abuses me and he has his reasons as he is very ill.
The incident with the baseball bat was a very long time ago and the only thime it has ever turned physical.
You mentioned asking 'permission' to ask a question...well that was similar to my situation and I realised my partner was walking on egg shells ALL the time! I hated the idea of that and the day she asked to make a suggestion about something I decided that something was wrong and did something about it!
I'm so glad you did and I wish that was what my partner would understand. Well done you:)
My partner is being nice at the moment but several posts on here have eluded to this being part of a cycle. i am very aware of this.
It was my birthday yesterday and all the repressed hurt just burst out of me like a dam,I couldn't stop crying. It was the hurt of being made to feel afraid by someone who claims to love me but more than that,that he must not really love me that much to treat me that way,that was the realisation that really hurt.
This is very much his last chance and he knows this despite what some cynical posters have said. I also discussed the situation with my mum yesterday who knows exactly what is going on.
I didn't want to bump the entire thread so I'll post an update here , I hope kitty doesn't mind.
In a nutshell , kitty I was with my abusive ex husband for 12 years before I left and started again. We had two kids together and he was mistreating my son and myself so one day after years of last chances I planned to leave. I phoned women's aid , took legal advice , I packed some things and took my kids to live with my mum. I had to leave while my ex husband was at work because he kept tabs on me and controlled me so much and when I asked him to compromise to try and save our marriage I was met with rage or silent treatment.
Anyway I eventually got my decree absolute and found my way through court trying to work out an arrangement for my children to see their dad safely.
Two years after leaving him I was offered a housing ass property and has found a part time job. Its now 4 years (almost to the day) sine i left my ex husband and I'm now working full time and doing well with it, I'm independent and my kids are happy.
The wonderful DSers helped me wade through all of this and I will be eternally grateful to them.
So kitty , the reason I've posted this is to show you that if I can get away then so can you. I was broken , totally broken from living with a mean spirited angry man for over a decade and i dug deep to get away.
I would leave, I expect he has more control over his behaviour then he lets on.
Do you have a nearby parents/mates house you could flee too? I would go then tell, if he's prone to violence.
Let's face it most abusive men don't take out their temper on their bosses/work colleagues or anywhere where it might backfire badly on them - which leads me to think that they can control their fits of anger - they just don't feel the need to do it with their wife/girlfriend.
I am certainly not staying for money,I have stated that! Me and my partner are not well off at all. it is my quiet time alone that i cherish and that is the reason i stay,nothing to do with money..
i don't expect people to understand but it is very important to me. I get nervous going out and so love being in the house when my partner is away,I can do as I please.play my music as loud as I want take ,spill food items (!!)long baths etc then when he comes home yes,I feel stifled again.
Is time to yourself really worth putting up with fear and stress?
I don't know the extent of your friend Jem's abuse. I am pleased her situation is resolved though My partner only emotionally abuses me and he has his reasons as he is very ill.
The incident with the baseball bat was a very long time ago and the only thime it has ever turned physical.
Only emotionally abuses you? And you feel that is completely different from physical abuse? It isn't, it's just as bad.
And you said earlier that he is like this even when he isn't ill, so stop making excuses for him.
I've no sympathy for the OP.
There's plenty of woman in her situation or worse that have nowhere to turn.
The OP could leave tonight if she wanted to. Sure she'd have to put up with her parents yapping but she'd be in a safe environment and could tell them to stop moaning without feeling threatened.
In a few months she could have a full or part time job and could move out giving her her precious time to herself.
Chances are though she'll stay a doormat for years to come!
I'm so glad you did and I wish that was what my partner would understand. Well done you:)
My partner is being nice at the moment but several posts on here have eluded to this being part of a cycle. i am very aware of this.
It was my birthday yesterday and all the repressed hurt just burst out of me like a dam,I couldn't stop crying. It was the hurt of being made to feel afraid by someone who claims to love me but more than that,that he must not really love me that much to treat me that way,that was the realisation that really hurt.
This is very much his last chance and he knows this despite what some cynical posters have said. I also discussed the situation with my mum yesterday who knows exactly what is going on.
If he is intimidating again.I will leave.
Happy birthday for yesterday!
As others have said, if this is prolonged systematic psychological abuse then, for your own mental health, you need to make some decisions sooner rather than later.
If he is unable to recognise his own depressive illness is causing this then no effort from you will come to anything and you even suggesting it may result in more abuse. At the end of the day you have to recognise and want to get well, if that is not there its probably better to get out asap as it isn't going to change, sadly!
I've no sympathy for the OP.
There's plenty of woman in her situation or worse that have nowhere to turn.
The OP could leave tonight if she wanted to. Sure she'd have to put up with her parents yapping but she'd be in a safe environment and could tell them to stop moaning without feeling threatened.
In a few months she could have a full or part time job and could move out giving her her precious time to herself.
Chances are though she'll stay a doormat for years to come!
You are sacrificing your long term happiness and peace of mind for the sake of some quiet time on your home.
You need to play a longer game here. Yes, you may have to sacrifice some privacy and peace in the short term to get away but just think about the prospect that one day you could have a place where you never have to experience that heartsink moment of his key in the door knowing that you will have to tread on eggshells till he goes out again.
It's very bad for your health to face that level of stress day in day out. I know when I was in this situation I started to suffer the physical symptoms of stress - twitchy eyes, hair falling out, skin breaking out in spots etc. You have probably grown so used to the anxiety you aren't even aware of it - but I tell you it's like a black cloud lifting when you get away from it.
I find it worrying that the OP seems to think this is 'only' emotional abuse. I think emotional abuse is much worse than physical abuse, physical abuse, the scars heal but emotional abuse, the scars run much deeper. And as for the excuse about alone time - if you had your own place, you'd get that all the time. Yes, you may feel alone, but surely that's better than constantly being on edge and making excuses for a bully?
Please stop making excuses for this man, you can do so much more, though I do find it worrying that you say you have confided in your mum and she hasn't demanded that you come home, even just temporarily
Apologies for the long post, but your thread has touched a nerve with me and others. I wanted to sooner, but every post has raised so many emotions for me.
Firstly, please don't belittle what you are suffering. You are being abused. You may not have physical bruises, but he has destroyed your self belief and eroded your ability to judge acceptable behaviour.
You can only leave when you are ready, but part of that process is starting to recognise his behaviour for what it is and not excusing it. The hardest part is building up the belief in yourself and in the fact there is a better life out there.
You can be happy and deserve it! Nothing beats that hard earned moment, when you stand in a space that is just yours and you have gotten it for yourself! He's never set foot in there and no one has or will ever shout you down in your home!
I don't wish to de-rail the thread either, but I would just like to take the opportunity to say how proud I am of all that Jem has achieved since she left her now ex husband. She's done amazingly, as have the kids.
I won't say anymore as it's for her to do, but as we have now met in person several times, and even spent the weekend in a tent together with the kids, she is honestly inspirational.
Absolutely agree! Jem is courageous and inspirational and I am proud to call her a friend.
I am certainly not staying for money,I have stated that! Me and my partner are not well off at all.
it is my quiet time alone that i cherish and that is the reason i stay,nothing to do with money...
i don't expect people to understand but it is very important to me. I get nervous going out and so love being in the house when my partner is away,I can do as I please.play my music as loud as I want take ,spill food items (!!)long baths etc then when he comes home yes,I feel stifled again.
I have been you. Jem has been you. Please don't think we can't understand. We do.
And you may not realise this as I know I didn't until I was out, but even those moments you cherish are tarnished by the anxiety that living with an abusive partner creates. Even the bits of your life you think are ok, it's there in the back of your mind.
I left, older than you, with a child and made a fresh start. I could never have comprehended the extent to which I was living in fear until I was out. Until he was sufficiently removed from my daily life that I regained perspective.
I am now truly happy and I would wish the same for you.
I don't know the extent of your friend Jem's abuse. I am pleased her situation is resolved though My partner only emotionally abuses me and he has his reasons as he is very ill.
The incident with the baseball bat was a very long time ago and the only time it has ever turned physical.
It only happened once, because like me and others, you are killing yourself to pacify him, predict his moods and calm his temper. You know better than to challenge or stand up to his bullying abuse, because he will always go just as far as he needs to get you to comply, or put you in your place.
I didn't want to bump the entire thread so I'll post an update here , I hope kitty doesn't mind.
In a nutshell , kitty I was with my abusive ex husband for 12 years before I left and started again. We had two kids together and he was mistreating my son and myself so one day after years of last chances I planned to leave. I phoned women's aid , took legal advice , I packed some things and took my kids to live with my mum. I had to leave while my ex husband was at work because he kept tabs on me and controlled me so much and when I asked him to compromise to try and save our marriage I was met with rage or silent treatment.
Anyway I eventually got my decree absolute and found my way through court trying to work out an arrangement for my children to see their dad safely.
Two years after leaving him I was offered a housing ass property and has found a part time job. Its now 4 years (almost to the day) sine i left my ex husband and I'm now working full time and doing well with it, I'm independent and my kids are happy.
The wonderful DSers helped me wade through all of this and I will be eternally grateful to them.
So kitty , the reason I've posted this is to show you that if I can get away then so can you. I was broken , totally broken from living with a mean spirited angry man for over a decade and i dug deep to get away.
I've got faith in you kitty , you've got this x
Jem, so glad we were able to follow your journey. I found a friend for life.
Kitty, I suppose among the million things I want to tell you, is that you are strong and capable enough to survive on your own. Don't let fear of the unknown and getting there stop you.
And even if you stay with him, you need to look at ways of building your confidence. Get out and about. Take a class, maybe a part time job. Do this because when you start to rebuild your self belief, you will be able to assert yourself and stop living to manage him and his moods.
I am certainly not staying for money,I have stated that! Me and my partner are not well off at all.
it is my quiet time alone that i cherish and that is the reason i stay,nothing to do with money..
i don't expect people to understand but it is very important to me. I get nervous going out and so love being in the house when my partner is away,I can do as I please.play my music as loud as I want take ,spill food items (!!)long baths etc then when he comes home yes,I feel stifled again.
I don't know the extent of your friend Jem's abuse. I am pleased her situation is resolved though My partner only emotionally abuses me and he has his reasons as he is very ill.
The incident with the baseball bat was a very long time ago and the only thime it has ever turned physical.
I didn't mean you were staying for vast amounts of money. I have read all your posts KK. I mean you are staying and putting up with a crap existence with a man who does not show you love. The money meaning whatever he has, which obviously keeps the two of you in the same dwelling!
You have been given some great advice, but to me it seems you are then disregarding the good advice given as it does not please you!
So a few hours on your own is all you are staying for? You can do that elsewhere. And as others have said 10, 20, 30 years will pass and you will still be there, if you keep giving him one more chance! No wonder you get nervous going out, you have had all confidence knocked out you and you are an apologist when you have done nothing wrong!
Please reconsider. This relationship is going nowhere. And while you stay in it, your life is going nowhere. Please try and seek some advice from a professional domestic/emotional service and find out what your options are. I would leave in just what I am wearing and not look back. He isn't worth a breath!
Hi KittyKream, apols if Galena & Hugsie have covered all this, I've not had time to read the whole thread. What you describe is domestic abuse. Controlling the finances as your partner does is called financial abuse.
Your type of domestic abuse, as you have said is called emotional abuse. The fact that he has not been physically violent is not relevant. He has threatened you once with a bat (that counts as violent abuse btw) and he knows you're frightened of him without the need for physically attacking you.
Do not ever think that he will not attack you physically, because he may. I'm glad you've got the Lundy Bancroft book.
The book makes clear that emotional abuse often escalates to physical violence.
One thing you must be clear about: you may never have feel strong enough to leave him on your own. The purpose of his emotional abuse is to grind you into submission, control you & confuse you until you have no will or strength left. The reason he controls the finances is so that you have no money of your own & you can't leave.
You will need help to leave him. I understand you may feel you're not ready to do so now. But please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 It's Freephone. You are in danger even if you believe you're not.
The times he's away show you how life could be without him: safe & free.
Anyone in your situation would suffer from anxiety, because 'walking on eggshells' all the time is extremely stressful. You're living with a man who is frightening & intimidating you, and there is no way that cannot make your anxiety worse. You may find once you're free of him, that your anxiety lessens significantly.
Don't think that the living with him is the only way you can live, it is not. Talk to your parents, talk to WA & start thinking about how it would feel to be free...
Can only echo what others have said. I got away from an incredibly emotionally abusive, manipulative, controlling man, 11 years ago. Last week - all these years on - I was in court for the second time, as victim in an harassment case. And for the second time - he was the harasser. Got off on technicalities last time but this time, am happy to say, he got a Guilty verdict. He'll be sentenced next month and we're looking forward to (this time) getting a court order "with teeth" that means if he so much as sends me one email, he will be banged up again.
I found the strength to get shot of him, but as I had kids with him he used that as an excuse to keep contacting me. In the past year I had got over 500 emails from him in a 12 month period. For several months of that, two police forces were arguing over who should have the expense of arresting him. In that time between me going to the police, and him finally being arrested, he sent nearly 150 more emails.
His personality sounds IDENTICAL to this man you describe. You have to get away, to keep yourself safe. You're lucky there are no children to be damaged by this man. It has taken years but I finally feel free. People who have only known me since this happened, and have seen me in the past week have said I look like a different person, already. The damage such men can do goes on and on. You say you put up with it for those quiet times alone when he is not around. Well, you may sacrifice some privacy for a while but you can get it together and you will then have that peace of mind, and freedom ALL the time.
Despite him harassing me on and off, since I left him, I have no regrets about leaving my ex. If he did all that to me after I left him - how bad would it be now, if I had stayed? Truth is, it would have escalated. I would, eventually, have been physically hurt.
I recognise that 'walking on egg shells' - it got so I cut off all my friends and family to keep the peace. There were things you could never mention; places you couldn't go; friends you lost after constantly making excuses not to meet up... I was told I was fat (I was size 12 and normal height). I was told I was ugly (other men didn't seem to agree). I was told I shouldn't do any of my hobbies (they were 'grannies'' hobbies). He once refused to speak to me for 3 days because I pegged the washing out "wrong". When I cooked, he'd find fault. If I didn't cook, I was "lazy". When I was asked to go out to a family party and left my baby with him, he rang me after half an hour with a tirade of abuse and screaming I was "a bad mother" and I had to come rushing back to get the baby. (He is now an active, vociferous member of Fathers For Justice, yet was incapable of being left alone with a sleeping child for two hours!) And so the list goes on. Controlling what I ate, what I wore, who I spoke to...
Get the hell out. Do it now. Don't look back. Your life is on hold, and yet you only have one life. Keep yourself safe. I'd rather be back in my childhood bedroom with my parents than living with this kind of man. Start looking out for yourself. Think how you'd feel if you had a daughter, and she told you what you have told us. What would you say? What would you feel?
He might be difficult if you leave. But even that if preferable to the situation you're in. And that is coming from someone who has been where you are, now.
You are sacrificing your long term happiness and peace of mind for the sake of some quiet time on your home.
You need to play a longer game here. Yes, you may have to sacrifice some privacy and peace in the short term to get away but just think about the prospect that one day you could have a place where you never have to experience that heartsink moment of his key in the door knowing that you will have to tread on eggshells till he goes out again.
It's very bad for your health to face that level of stress day in day out. I know when I was in this situation I started to suffer the physical symptoms of stress - twitchy eyes, hair falling out, skin breaking out in spots etc. You have probably grown so used to the anxiety you aren't even aware of it - but I tell you it's like a black cloud lifting when you get away from it.
I do know i'm suffering from anxiety. I am on anti depressants and have panic attacks alot,especially lately! But I had depression before he and I met.
He is on his last chance and I mean that despite the cynics view.
I've no sympathy for the OP.
There's plenty of woman in her situation or worse that have nowhere to turn.
The OP could leave tonight if she wanted to. Sure she'd have to put up with her parents yapping but she'd be in a safe environment and could tell them to stop moaning without feeling threatened.
In a few months she could have a full or part time job and could move out giving her her precious time to herself.
Chances are though she'll stay a doormat for years to come!
I don't want your sympathy.
i asked for advice and information and am very grateful for the posters who kindly took the time to respond.
Its very easy to label others a 'doormat' or any other insult when you are not in the predicamen.t yourself
But it's exactly what you are.
You could leave today if you wanted but you'll just make excuse because He's ill.
Yes,it's exactly that black and white.
i'm a doormat :rolleyes:
A more accurate depiction of my self is that I am a flawed and imperfect human being who has loved my partner for ten years and am giving him one last chance.
I am not going to pretend I am not giving him this chance to appease others.
But if he blows it,that's it.
Kitty
I hope that he is one of the few who can change, to save the relationship. I hope you realise you need to make changes too, for toe own personal happiness.
If he does let you down though, and you need support please don't let a few posters who don't understand your position stop you seeking support here.
There's lots who do understand.
Kitty
I hope that he is one of the few who can change, to save the relationship. I hope you realise you need to make changes too, for toe own personal happiness.
If he does let you down though, and you need support please don't let a few posters who don't understand your position stop you seeking support here.
There's lots who do understand.
Thankyou,I do realise that and I am grateful for your posts x
Comments
I am certainly not staying for money,I have stated that! Me and my partner are not well off at all.
it is my quiet time alone that i cherish and that is the reason i stay,nothing to do with money..
i don't expect people to understand but it is very important to me. I get nervous going out and so love being in the house when my partner is away,I can do as I please.play my music as loud as I want take ,spill food items (!!)long baths etc then when he comes home yes,I feel stifled again.
I don't know the extent of your friend Jem's abuse. I am pleased her situation is resolved though
The incident with the baseball bat was a very long time ago and the only thime it has ever turned physical.
I'm so glad you did and I wish that was what my partner would understand. Well done you:)
My partner is being nice at the moment but several posts on here have eluded to this being part of a cycle. i am very aware of this.
It was my birthday yesterday and all the repressed hurt just burst out of me like a dam,I couldn't stop crying. It was the hurt of being made to feel afraid by someone who claims to love me but more than that,that he must not really love me that much to treat me that way,that was the realisation that really hurt.
This is very much his last chance and he knows this despite what some cynical posters have said. I also discussed the situation with my mum yesterday who knows exactly what is going on.
If he is intimidating again.I will leave.
Hi Zelena :-)
I didn't want to bump the entire thread so I'll post an update here , I hope kitty doesn't mind.
In a nutshell , kitty I was with my abusive ex husband for 12 years before I left and started again. We had two kids together and he was mistreating my son and myself so one day after years of last chances I planned to leave. I phoned women's aid , took legal advice , I packed some things and took my kids to live with my mum. I had to leave while my ex husband was at work because he kept tabs on me and controlled me so much and when I asked him to compromise to try and save our marriage I was met with rage or silent treatment.
Anyway I eventually got my decree absolute and found my way through court trying to work out an arrangement for my children to see their dad safely.
Two years after leaving him I was offered a housing ass property and has found a part time job. Its now 4 years (almost to the day) sine i left my ex husband and I'm now working full time and doing well with it, I'm independent and my kids are happy.
The wonderful DSers helped me wade through all of this and I will be eternally grateful to them.
So kitty , the reason I've posted this is to show you that if I can get away then so can you. I was broken , totally broken from living with a mean spirited angry man for over a decade and i dug deep to get away.
I've got faith in you kitty , you've got this x
Do you have a nearby parents/mates house you could flee too? I would go then tell, if he's prone to violence.
Let's face it most abusive men don't take out their temper on their bosses/work colleagues or anywhere where it might backfire badly on them - which leads me to think that they can control their fits of anger - they just don't feel the need to do it with their wife/girlfriend.
Only emotionally abuses you? And you feel that is completely different from physical abuse? It isn't, it's just as bad.
And you said earlier that he is like this even when he isn't ill, so stop making excuses for him.
There's plenty of woman in her situation or worse that have nowhere to turn.
The OP could leave tonight if she wanted to. Sure she'd have to put up with her parents yapping but she'd be in a safe environment and could tell them to stop moaning without feeling threatened.
In a few months she could have a full or part time job and could move out giving her her precious time to herself.
Chances are though she'll stay a doormat for years to come!
Happy birthday for yesterday!
As others have said, if this is prolonged systematic psychological abuse then, for your own mental health, you need to make some decisions sooner rather than later.
If he is unable to recognise his own depressive illness is causing this then no effort from you will come to anything and you even suggesting it may result in more abuse. At the end of the day you have to recognise and want to get well, if that is not there its probably better to get out asap as it isn't going to change, sadly!
Very supportive!!
You need to play a longer game here. Yes, you may have to sacrifice some privacy and peace in the short term to get away but just think about the prospect that one day you could have a place where you never have to experience that heartsink moment of his key in the door knowing that you will have to tread on eggshells till he goes out again.
It's very bad for your health to face that level of stress day in day out. I know when I was in this situation I started to suffer the physical symptoms of stress - twitchy eyes, hair falling out, skin breaking out in spots etc. You have probably grown so used to the anxiety you aren't even aware of it - but I tell you it's like a black cloud lifting when you get away from it.
You only get one life.
Why waste it being ****ing miserable?!
Please stop making excuses for this man, you can do so much more, though I do find it worrying that you say you have confided in your mum and she hasn't demanded that you come home, even just temporarily
Firstly, please don't belittle what you are suffering. You are being abused. You may not have physical bruises, but he has destroyed your self belief and eroded your ability to judge acceptable behaviour.
You can only leave when you are ready, but part of that process is starting to recognise his behaviour for what it is and not excusing it. The hardest part is building up the belief in yourself and in the fact there is a better life out there.
You can be happy and deserve it! Nothing beats that hard earned moment, when you stand in a space that is just yours and you have gotten it for yourself! He's never set foot in there and no one has or will ever shout you down in your home!
Absolutely agree! Jem is courageous and inspirational and I am proud to call her a friend.
I have been you. Jem has been you. Please don't think we can't understand. We do.
And you may not realise this as I know I didn't until I was out, but even those moments you cherish are tarnished by the anxiety that living with an abusive partner creates. Even the bits of your life you think are ok, it's there in the back of your mind.
I left, older than you, with a child and made a fresh start. I could never have comprehended the extent to which I was living in fear until I was out. Until he was sufficiently removed from my daily life that I regained perspective.
I am now truly happy and I would wish the same for you.
It only happened once, because like me and others, you are killing yourself to pacify him, predict his moods and calm his temper. You know better than to challenge or stand up to his bullying abuse, because he will always go just as far as he needs to get you to comply, or put you in your place.
Jem, so glad we were able to follow your journey. I found a friend for life.
Kitty, I suppose among the million things I want to tell you, is that you are strong and capable enough to survive on your own. Don't let fear of the unknown and getting there stop you.
And even if you stay with him, you need to look at ways of building your confidence. Get out and about. Take a class, maybe a part time job. Do this because when you start to rebuild your self belief, you will be able to assert yourself and stop living to manage him and his moods.
The problem with 'tough love' in a forum, unless you offer an ounce or two of compassion it makes you look a tad callous!
I didn't mean you were staying for vast amounts of money. I have read all your posts KK. I mean you are staying and putting up with a crap existence with a man who does not show you love. The money meaning whatever he has, which obviously keeps the two of you in the same dwelling!
You have been given some great advice, but to me it seems you are then disregarding the good advice given as it does not please you!
So a few hours on your own is all you are staying for? You can do that elsewhere. And as others have said 10, 20, 30 years will pass and you will still be there, if you keep giving him one more chance! No wonder you get nervous going out, you have had all confidence knocked out you and you are an apologist when you have done nothing wrong!
Please reconsider. This relationship is going nowhere. And while you stay in it, your life is going nowhere. Please try and seek some advice from a professional domestic/emotional service and find out what your options are. I would leave in just what I am wearing and not look back. He isn't worth a breath!
Your type of domestic abuse, as you have said is called emotional abuse. The fact that he has not been physically violent is not relevant. He has threatened you once with a bat (that counts as violent abuse btw) and he knows you're frightened of him without the need for physically attacking you.
Do not ever think that he will not attack you physically, because he may. I'm glad you've got the Lundy Bancroft book.
The book makes clear that emotional abuse often escalates to physical violence.
One thing you must be clear about: you may never have feel strong enough to leave him on your own. The purpose of his emotional abuse is to grind you into submission, control you & confuse you until you have no will or strength left. The reason he controls the finances is so that you have no money of your own & you can't leave.
You will need help to leave him. I understand you may feel you're not ready to do so now. But please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 It's Freephone. You are in danger even if you believe you're not.
Anyone in your situation would suffer from anxiety, because 'walking on eggshells' all the time is extremely stressful. You're living with a man who is frightening & intimidating you, and there is no way that cannot make your anxiety worse. You may find once you're free of him, that your anxiety lessens significantly.
Don't think that the living with him is the only way you can live, it is not. Talk to your parents, talk to WA & start thinking about how it would feel to be free...
Did he do anything nice for your birthday yesterday? Did he make you feel loved and special? Probably not.
Do you still want to be feeling the same way you do now, being treated the same way when your next birthday rolls around?
I found the strength to get shot of him, but as I had kids with him he used that as an excuse to keep contacting me. In the past year I had got over 500 emails from him in a 12 month period. For several months of that, two police forces were arguing over who should have the expense of arresting him. In that time between me going to the police, and him finally being arrested, he sent nearly 150 more emails.
His personality sounds IDENTICAL to this man you describe. You have to get away, to keep yourself safe. You're lucky there are no children to be damaged by this man. It has taken years but I finally feel free. People who have only known me since this happened, and have seen me in the past week have said I look like a different person, already. The damage such men can do goes on and on. You say you put up with it for those quiet times alone when he is not around. Well, you may sacrifice some privacy for a while but you can get it together and you will then have that peace of mind, and freedom ALL the time.
Despite him harassing me on and off, since I left him, I have no regrets about leaving my ex. If he did all that to me after I left him - how bad would it be now, if I had stayed? Truth is, it would have escalated. I would, eventually, have been physically hurt.
I recognise that 'walking on egg shells' - it got so I cut off all my friends and family to keep the peace. There were things you could never mention; places you couldn't go; friends you lost after constantly making excuses not to meet up... I was told I was fat (I was size 12 and normal height). I was told I was ugly (other men didn't seem to agree). I was told I shouldn't do any of my hobbies (they were 'grannies'' hobbies). He once refused to speak to me for 3 days because I pegged the washing out "wrong". When I cooked, he'd find fault. If I didn't cook, I was "lazy". When I was asked to go out to a family party and left my baby with him, he rang me after half an hour with a tirade of abuse and screaming I was "a bad mother" and I had to come rushing back to get the baby. (He is now an active, vociferous member of Fathers For Justice, yet was incapable of being left alone with a sleeping child for two hours!) And so the list goes on. Controlling what I ate, what I wore, who I spoke to...
Get the hell out. Do it now. Don't look back. Your life is on hold, and yet you only have one life. Keep yourself safe. I'd rather be back in my childhood bedroom with my parents than living with this kind of man. Start looking out for yourself. Think how you'd feel if you had a daughter, and she told you what you have told us. What would you say? What would you feel?
He might be difficult if you leave. But even that if preferable to the situation you're in. And that is coming from someone who has been where you are, now.
I do know i'm suffering from anxiety. I am on anti depressants and have panic attacks alot,especially lately! But I had depression before he and I met.
He is on his last chance and I mean that despite the cynics view.
I don't want your sympathy.
i asked for advice and information and am very grateful for the posters who kindly took the time to respond.
Its very easy to label others a 'doormat' or any other insult when you are not in the predicamen.t yourself
You could leave today if you wanted but you'll just make excuse because He's ill.
Yes,it's exactly that black and white.
i'm a doormat :rolleyes:
A more accurate depiction of my self is that I am a flawed and imperfect human being who has loved my partner for ten years and am giving him one last chance.
I am not going to pretend I am not giving him this chance to appease others.
But if he blows it,that's it.
I hope that he is one of the few who can change, to save the relationship. I hope you realise you need to make changes too, for toe own personal happiness.
If he does let you down though, and you need support please don't let a few posters who don't understand your position stop you seeking support here.
There's lots who do understand.
Thankyou,I do realise that and I am grateful for your posts