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grandma has a new partner
OK< any thoughts welcome on this one, family cracking up all round.sorry for the abbreviations & long post
My Father in law(85) passed away mid novembr, having suffered ill health and increasingly bad dementia for a few years prior. We live a few hundred miles away and I have to admit didnt visit as often as we should. Now it turns out (we'd had suspicions but only found out for certain just before he died) that Mother inlaw (aged 70)has a new man and has been seeing him for quite a while before FIL died. Brother in law & wife knew and were providing respite looking after fil while mil went away with new bloke. Niece aged 11 would go round to help out and adored grandad. as far as she knew her nan was going away with a lady friend
Found out on xmas day(MIL at new fellow's, has told our niece etc she's with us) that she's selling family home, moving in with new bloke and getting married soon (about Sept) My OH and his brother are v upset, as are my kids,(16 18) who feel v let down by nanny. However I am trying to deal with my kids and explain as best I can. 11 year old niece doesn't know about any of this, but MIL and new man are visiting BIL & family soon. SIL is in bits about how to tell my 11 year old niece ie her daughter, and is worried she will be devastated. I think niece will cope, and (subtle) honesty is best policy from now on. Have suggested for first visit, to say nan's new friend has brought her as he has a car and break it in gently from there. SIL thinks her daughter wont cope.she thinks her daughter(ie my niece)will recognise new bloke from a photo, will put 2 and 2 together and be crushed. niece has had Grandad's mass card up in her room since funeral and refuses to take it down. I think they have to move on from here and get a grip. they can't change the situation and need to deal with it.
Any thoughts or similar experiences?
My Father in law(85) passed away mid novembr, having suffered ill health and increasingly bad dementia for a few years prior. We live a few hundred miles away and I have to admit didnt visit as often as we should. Now it turns out (we'd had suspicions but only found out for certain just before he died) that Mother inlaw (aged 70)has a new man and has been seeing him for quite a while before FIL died. Brother in law & wife knew and were providing respite looking after fil while mil went away with new bloke. Niece aged 11 would go round to help out and adored grandad. as far as she knew her nan was going away with a lady friend
Found out on xmas day(MIL at new fellow's, has told our niece etc she's with us) that she's selling family home, moving in with new bloke and getting married soon (about Sept) My OH and his brother are v upset, as are my kids,(16 18) who feel v let down by nanny. However I am trying to deal with my kids and explain as best I can. 11 year old niece doesn't know about any of this, but MIL and new man are visiting BIL & family soon. SIL is in bits about how to tell my 11 year old niece ie her daughter, and is worried she will be devastated. I think niece will cope, and (subtle) honesty is best policy from now on. Have suggested for first visit, to say nan's new friend has brought her as he has a car and break it in gently from there. SIL thinks her daughter wont cope.she thinks her daughter(ie my niece)will recognise new bloke from a photo, will put 2 and 2 together and be crushed. niece has had Grandad's mass card up in her room since funeral and refuses to take it down. I think they have to move on from here and get a grip. they can't change the situation and need to deal with it.
Any thoughts or similar experiences?
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As I said, my kids know most of it and don't like it but are coming round. OH is really cut up about it all, even though he was hardly there for his parents when his dad was ill.SIL has older boys who apparently hve no idea about the relationship either, though I suspect they're not that daft. I told her she needs to tell them now, so they can all be there for the daughter. I think they could just introduce the guy as Nanny's friend this time and as you say, give it time and explain that it's more next visit, but SIL is convince her daughter will immediately see it for what it is. I don't see that she or the others boys really need to know that it's been going on for ages but SIL is as I say, convinced niece will cotton on Also I think she feels guitly that she's lied to them, but you do what you think is best at the time.
Jackboy - I did think of my situation when I read that thread:) Ours was more like Eileen in Corrie and her fireman, for a while but now it's moved on & very fast.
I'm beginning to think so, - how do you go about arranging that? also SIL has to put her foot down and put off this visit, IMO
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
for sure. to be fair she's had a pretty hard time caring for much older hubby, having brought up family, cared for very bad tempered Mother in law and nursed her own mum through dying of cancer, so I think she's "earned" it. It's just a bit quick for everyone and it's the fact that it was going on before his death. He was hard work and she was a nurse not a wife for a good year before his death, but she clearly said goodbye to him as a husband a long long time ago
Dont have time to waste at that age. if she lets this boat pass her by because of family not agreeing, then it maybe her last chance at a bit of happiness. Then you can bet family will be moaning that she is to dependant on them for her happiness
If your FIL had very bad dementia, then he wasn't really "him" was he? No one seems to understand how hard that can be on a carer. Like you said, she probably said her goodbyes to the husband she knew and she moved on with her life because she had to. I know that 70 isn't the flush of youth, but 70 today is different to 70 a few years ago and many seniors are still active, healthy and still have a lot of living to do.
I don't know what to say about your niece other than I don't know why anyone has to explain anything to her.
The whole family should wish her well. I certainly would if she was my granny.
Bananacreampie I take your point, I can't help feeling SIL is really expressing her own feelings, but using her 11 year old as the reason, but she can't see that. She just says "I know my daughter!!!"
Sounds like SIL is projecting her own feelings onto the child. Most children are pretty accepting and if explained as above would take it just as that. Also they could trying telling the kid that granny loved being married so much and was so happy with grandad that she wants that again with someone else while she has the chance.
that last bit is a good way of putting it.
That's terrible-- to tell a greiving little girl that her gran's new man will never compare to grandad; of course he won't and it's not his place to. One thing I can say is that no one knows what happens in other folk's marriages- even their parents. Your MIL could've had an arrangement with your DIL that when things really got bad, if she met someone, she should pursue her happiness.
I don't understand why some people think that a widow/widower should live as a saint after their spouse dies. While your MIL was a nurse/carer/mum, she is also very much a woman who needs companionship, love and affection and children and grandchildren can't provide that.
I'm glad she has someone like you who understands and can take a logical look at it.
My friend was the same with her dad - years after he was widowed he started seeing a very nice lady in the village who was also widowed - my friend made a fuss and eventually he ended the relationship.
I just think people need to let others get on with it. I bet a lot of the people making a fuss would feel differently if they were widowed then expected to spend the rest of their life on their own. I know that if anything happened to my hubby I would want eventually to move on - and I would want him to do the same. Obviously that love is still there and the new person can't replace it but there is no point being sad and lonely if you would like to be with someone.
I do see that it is all quite early with the lady in the OP but for many people with dementia it is like they died a long time before. John Suchet who has talked openly about his wife and how she no longer even knows him. It must be like being bereaved a long time before the person physically dies.
Excellent post.
It's dreadful when people succesfully dictate to other what they should or shouldn't do - especially when the result is loneliness.
My aunt'shusband died and she was devastated. However, he had been very ill for some time,so by the time he died she had moved on to a certain degree. But she was treated appalingly by some in the family (especially her husband's brother,my uncle) because she didn't wait a long while before finding someone new. Then when my uncle's wife died suddenly and he started dating because he was so lonely it was suddenly all all right.
It's just lost on me why people can't seem to put themselves in the shoe's of others and not be so dictatorial and judgmental.
Thank god he didnt waste time because a few months ago (two years after his wife died) he too died. He had two years of happiness which he would have missed if he had dithered about waiting until a respectable period of time had elapsed.
Agreed - I must have been a bit younger than the niece in the OP tale, when my grandad got a ladyfriend. We called her Aunty Nellie and she was absolutely diamond. Helped him survive 15 yrs he never would have lasted after his wife died - I was only 6 when Gran went and dont remember her very well. But the family were absolutely brilliant about Aunty Nellie, and I would suggest the OP reminds sis in law that whatever happens, poor Grandad is gone, and Granny is still very much alive. Fair play to Granny and I hope it all works out for them. x