My father is making my mum miserable
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This is going to be a long post....
6 months ago, my mum had her third stroke. She's doing well, but gets tired out easily. Back when it happened I spent about 3 weeks with my parents, helping out and sorting out Christmas! In that time together what came out is that in the lead up to her stroke, they were really strained financially and this was constantly causing fights, where my dad would take out his frustrations on her.
So since then I've been topping up my dad's income every month in the hope that his mood is improved so he leaves my mum alone. I also hoped her stroke would be a wake up call for him. But it hasn't worked whatsoever, in fact things kow seem worse. I fight with him a lot over all this, but nothing seems to make any difference.
The money I'm giving him seems to be disappearing, to the point that days after I've sent it to him it's gone and he's laying into my mum again. I don't even want to think about where it's going, gambling, prostitutes, it doesn't bear thinking about.
I've come up to visit them today and my mum is more miserable and stressed out than ever. He's becoming more and more abusive, blaming her for all his problems, but also getting at things like how she dresses, the fact that she's "lazy" cos she rests a lot. But he will never do it in front of me, this is all what I've been told by my mum.
I just feel so useless because there's nothing I can do to help her, other than try to help out financially and have a go at my dad which haven't been working. If I was able to I'd just have her leave him behind and either put her up in her own place (i can't afford that and i dont think she'd want that) or have her live with me but I live in London while they're up north and again, I don't think she'd want that.
I just feel so guilty living the life of Riley while she's miserable. This evening I was showing her my holiday photos, which she really enjoyed, but I felt like an idiot for doing that afterwards when she told me what's been going on. I'm terrified she's going to get ill again because she's so stressed out and I don't want to think about the chances of her surviving a 4th stroke.
I don't know what to do anymore.
6 months ago, my mum had her third stroke. She's doing well, but gets tired out easily. Back when it happened I spent about 3 weeks with my parents, helping out and sorting out Christmas! In that time together what came out is that in the lead up to her stroke, they were really strained financially and this was constantly causing fights, where my dad would take out his frustrations on her.
So since then I've been topping up my dad's income every month in the hope that his mood is improved so he leaves my mum alone. I also hoped her stroke would be a wake up call for him. But it hasn't worked whatsoever, in fact things kow seem worse. I fight with him a lot over all this, but nothing seems to make any difference.
The money I'm giving him seems to be disappearing, to the point that days after I've sent it to him it's gone and he's laying into my mum again. I don't even want to think about where it's going, gambling, prostitutes, it doesn't bear thinking about.
I've come up to visit them today and my mum is more miserable and stressed out than ever. He's becoming more and more abusive, blaming her for all his problems, but also getting at things like how she dresses, the fact that she's "lazy" cos she rests a lot. But he will never do it in front of me, this is all what I've been told by my mum.
I just feel so useless because there's nothing I can do to help her, other than try to help out financially and have a go at my dad which haven't been working. If I was able to I'd just have her leave him behind and either put her up in her own place (i can't afford that and i dont think she'd want that) or have her live with me but I live in London while they're up north and again, I don't think she'd want that.
I just feel so guilty living the life of Riley while she's miserable. This evening I was showing her my holiday photos, which she really enjoyed, but I felt like an idiot for doing that afterwards when she told me what's been going on. I'm terrified she's going to get ill again because she's so stressed out and I don't want to think about the chances of her surviving a 4th stroke.
I don't know what to do anymore.
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Comments
It's as simple as that really. I can't see how an abusive, fractured relationship like that can be repaired and happily continue.
Unfortunately this means there isn't much you personally can do per-sey - it has to be your Mum who leaves your Dad if she's sick of the situation.
How old are your parents and why are you still sending money to your Dad if he's making it disappear so fast? Why not to your Mum?
Could you invite her to your place for a rest/holiday/treat?
It's such a hard situation for a son/daughter to deal with.
^^^Yes I agree with this actually it sounds like its for the best for your mums health she doesn`t need this abuse she`s been through enough already.
Talk to your mum about the possibility of her leaving and let her know you are concerned for her.
If she's up for the idea, you might have a better chance of persuading her that she'll really be better off away from your dad as she'll have a first-hand example of what it could be like.
Was the relationship fine until the stroke? If so, someone needs to talk to him about how he is feeling and the effect that this has had on him.
Don't forget, that your mum (most probably) loves him, and no-one, other than the two people in it, knows how a relationship works 24 hours a day.
Get you mum on her own, ask her if she's happy, find out what she wants to do. Also, talk to your dad about how he is feeling, or mention the support available through the national stroke association.
Just saying "get her to leave" is not solving this one - what do you think will happen after that? They will just never speak again and live seperated lives? It's way more complicated that that.
My first thought was "Your dad is angry with your mum for having these strokes" It may at first sound stupid, but he is feeling this way because he is grieving for her (while she is still there, but changed) this is quite common when a near loved one gets ill or has a terminal or long-lasting/life-changing condition. he needs to have counselling and probably help with lots of things that your mum has always (in the past dealt with) many men don't deal with things like washing, cleaning, shopping, paying bills and so on. these are often left to the wife and suddenly the husband is faced with a huge amount of new and frankly scary things to deal with.
Don't misunderstand me your dad is being very unfair to your mum but if we try to get into his mind-set we will be more effective helping both mum and dad.
As already stated there are charities that will help with many of the practical and emotional problems faced by your parents you need to contact anyone who can help (including your local Social Services, their doctor, occupational therapy etc.
Now to the financial problems. I wouldn't continue to give money to your dad as you have been doing. Ask to have a look at their bills, find out which one/ones you can afford to pay on their behalf and arrange for the Direct Debit to go from your account to that organisation/Company this way he doesn't have the money to squander and you know you are really helping.
Lastly. Arrange for a benefits advisor or citizens advice to have a meeting with your parents and yourself. it may well be that your parents can get some sort of support, physical and/or financial but they will not get it if they don't ask/apply, you need to push them if they won't apply willingly after all it is their entitlement I hope this helps. Voicy.
Absolutely nothing. As hard as this is to accept. Your Mother is the parent - you are her child. It is not your responsibility to get her out of unpleasant situations she gets herself in to.
She's a grown woman, with a grown family. It is her descision to stay or to go.
She chooses to stay.
By al means, discuss the potential realities of leaving him. Offer her assistance if you want. But you can not physically *do* anything. Only your mother can.