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I think I've destroyed a friendship by being nice
One of my friend's is having a run of bad luck at the moment. His wife and him both lost their jobs, but he's managed to get another although it's at less hours and less pay. He mentioned that he wasn't looking forward to holiday season as he'd promised his daughter her first holiday abroad, but due to circumstances he'd be lucky to get a weekend in Skegness let alone out of the UK. As he's been a decent friend over the years, I took it on myself to ask my mum if he could have a fortnight at a place she owns in Egypt and when she said yes I thought it would be nice to give him the option of an open-ended loan to pay for the flights for him, his wife and his daughter. When my mum said it was OK I approached him about it and he'd said he'd ask his wife about it.
Today I've had a phonecall from his wife and she was extremely abusive to me. She said she's sick of me "lording it over people" and I must love the fact I can "treat people like peasants who are grateful for any crumbs I drop". I asked her to explain what on Earth she was on about, and she said purely because my wife and I don't have money worries we like to rub people's faces in it. We apparently do this by making gestures that appear kind but, are just our way of making them feel inferior. Because of this neither of them want to speak to me again.
I thought it was simply a nice gesture. To be honest I don't care whether I get the money back or not, and it's my own way of paying him back for being a good friend. I'm not expecting him to do anything more than go on holiday and forget about the UK for a couple of weeks. Yes, I don't have any debt and even if my wife and I lost our jobs tomorrow money wouldn't be an immediate issue. We certainly don't "lord it" or "treat others like peasants". While I will admit I do get a certain level of "feel good" about it as I've made someone happy, I'm not expecting any more out of it. I won't be mentioning it constantly in an effort to make him feel "inferior" and the only people who would need to know would be him and his wife, me and my wife, and my mum (only because it's her place anyway).
I've spoken to a mutual friend and she reckons it's more down to his wife than it is him. She's said that he was actually pretty excited by the possibility and up for it, but his wife blew a stack when he told her. I've sent him a text, but he's said he doesn't want to speak to me any more so I have to abide by this. I can't force him to speak to me and I'm not even going to consider putting him into a position where he's in conflict with his wife.
If someone offered you this would you act in such a way? I know it may be a pride issue, but I generally thought I was doing something nice and not being offensive. If he'd said thanks but no thanks I'd have been fine with it, but I don't expect abuse when I try do something nice.
Today I've had a phonecall from his wife and she was extremely abusive to me. She said she's sick of me "lording it over people" and I must love the fact I can "treat people like peasants who are grateful for any crumbs I drop". I asked her to explain what on Earth she was on about, and she said purely because my wife and I don't have money worries we like to rub people's faces in it. We apparently do this by making gestures that appear kind but, are just our way of making them feel inferior. Because of this neither of them want to speak to me again.
I thought it was simply a nice gesture. To be honest I don't care whether I get the money back or not, and it's my own way of paying him back for being a good friend. I'm not expecting him to do anything more than go on holiday and forget about the UK for a couple of weeks. Yes, I don't have any debt and even if my wife and I lost our jobs tomorrow money wouldn't be an immediate issue. We certainly don't "lord it" or "treat others like peasants". While I will admit I do get a certain level of "feel good" about it as I've made someone happy, I'm not expecting any more out of it. I won't be mentioning it constantly in an effort to make him feel "inferior" and the only people who would need to know would be him and his wife, me and my wife, and my mum (only because it's her place anyway).
I've spoken to a mutual friend and she reckons it's more down to his wife than it is him. She's said that he was actually pretty excited by the possibility and up for it, but his wife blew a stack when he told her. I've sent him a text, but he's said he doesn't want to speak to me any more so I have to abide by this. I can't force him to speak to me and I'm not even going to consider putting him into a position where he's in conflict with his wife.
If someone offered you this would you act in such a way? I know it may be a pride issue, but I generally thought I was doing something nice and not being offensive. If he'd said thanks but no thanks I'd have been fine with it, but I don't expect abuse when I try do something nice.
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He / they sound like they're going through a stressful time at the moment.
If this is a one off incident, and not usually in his nature... Maybe just send him one more message along the lines of .... I'm really sorry if I offended you With my offer. I genuinely didn't mean to, I really wanted to help. Sorry to hear you don't want to speak to me at the moment. I hope This can change soon. Hope all is well with you / your family. Text / call any time if you want to talk.
Wounded pride my arse. These people have no idea how to behave.
Bit of a contradiction here.
You haven't really kept anything private have you? You've already discussed it with a mutual friend who will no doubt discuss it with somebody else and so on.
You also come on here to let the world and his donkey know what a good deed you've done and been rejected expecting validation of what a super guy you are (and getting it), well done.
Instead of offering a no interest long time loan to a friend how about increasing your maintenance payments to 15 quid a week instead of the measly 10 you pay now.
I'd like to say words fail me, but obviously they don't.
Actually do, and address it to his wife.
It's sad your friend has allowed it to happen really.
If you get a chance openly tell the wife that you know why she has acted like that and expose her to herself and her husband. Truth will hurt more than anything else you can say.
It really is "their" loss.
See above regarding discussing it with mutual friend.
Secondly, I suggest you go back and read the thread in regards to the CSA owing me money. I'll think you find I was overpaying by that amount each week.
***EDIT***
I'm actually wondering whether anyone thought what I'd done is offensive and possibly how to show I wasn't intending to be offensive.
Yes, she could have been politer in her refusal, but she could be under stress.
Just apologise for any friction you may have caused, don't try to justify, and never mention it again.
Money can't buy happiness
Never a borrower nor a lender be
and
Mind your own business
Absolutely.
Think I may be a minority here, and I wouldn't have been rude about it but I can see where the wife is coming from.
If you had just said 'Do you want me to see if my Mum'll loan her Egyptian Villa' that would be cool. But to plough in and try to sort out THEIR problem, arranging the villa, planning loans - that's all a bit much. Swooping in to save the day because they can't do it for themselves. Making them feel inadequate. And if it is a pattern of behaviour then I can maybe even understand the rudeness - though of course not condone.
I totally agree with this. If you'd just said you can stay at the villa as its lying empty this particular week but the offer of a loan for flights is a bit weird. No-one likes to borrow money from friends. I would wait a few days and send a text saying perhaps it came across the wrong and you hope you can just put it behind you and move on.
"To be honest I don't care whether I get the money back or not"
"I thought it was simply a nice gesture"
"even if my wife and I lost our jobs tomorrow money wouldn't be an immediate issue"
"I will admit I do get a certain level of "feel good" about it as I've made someone happy"
It sounds more about you than them.
Have you not heard of people's pride?
I actually think the wife was incredibly rude. I'd ignore her, speak to him saying you were only trying to help. If he "forgives" you for trying to help then great. To hell with her.
It sounds as if you were trying to be a good friend, but their pride got in the way!