It is 06.30 in the morning and a single figure is walking the halls of a very large building. He walks outside into the garden and gazes wistfully at the roof, before shaking his head sadly and walking over to a pool. He removes his dressing gown to reveal that he is wearing only a pair of swimming shorts with the cross of St Andrew on them. He climbs into the swimming pool and begins to pace around the perimeter, every now and then casting a longing glance at the roof. He then notices a furtive figure wrapped in a duvet sitting close to the pool watching him.

“Hello there, are you one of the new guys from Ward 10? Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

The furtive figure replies “Nah, I haven’t been there yet. I’m just having some me time.” He sits up straight in his duvet and a tearing sound, like sticky paper, can be heard. “I’m Marcus. Who the f**k are you and where the f**k am I.”

“I’m Sandy from Ward 3. And as to where you are no-one knows for sure. Some of the more intelligent amongst us (and believe me that is a very relative concept) seem to think this is some sort of limbo, where a portion of our souls has been sent in penance for some unforgivable sin we committed in our lives. All we know is that with your Ward just opening we now number 166.”

“But how the f**k did I get here?”

“Again no-one knows. It started about ten years ago with the 11 from Ward 1. They’ve been here for 10 years now. They were basically normal people when they arrived, but after 10 years here they are now completely irredeemable. They will never be able to function in the outside world again. The poor souls from Ward 2 are getting that way as well. I’m from Ward 3.” He pauses. “Do you know I’ve been stuck in the same barracks as Jonny and Jade for 8 years now?” His eyes seem to cloud over with tears and reveal a deep sadness that no-one else can truly comprehend. But he quickly recovers. “Anyway Ward 4 followed us a year later, but nothing much really happened here. Then ….” He gulps “Then Ward 5 opened and everything changed. The whole place was laid to waste within two weeks. It was chaos. But just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse Ward 6 opened.”

Sandy walks over to Marcus and talks to him in deadly earnest. “Don’t mess with anyone in Ward 6. And please I beg you don’t ever, ever leave any bottles lying around. Oh god. What one of those maniacs does with bottles. Poor Cameron from Ward 4 was reduced to tears, whispering something about Soddom and Gommorah.”

Marcus, despite himself, is listening with increasing horror.

“After Ward 6 we waited another year then Ward 7 opened. That’s where the real basket cases are. The less said about Ward 8 the better, although there is one who must be obeyed and whose name I cannot even say. She lives on Ward 8. And finally there is Ward 9. They are OK I guess but just don’t f**k with their artwork.”

Marcus is staring open mouthed. “But how can I leave?”

Sandy laughs “Leave! Leave! Oh my dear child you can never leave. Don’t you think I’ve tried? Don’t you think we’ve all tried?” Again Sandy stares longingly at the roof. “We’ve tried tunnelling out, climbing the walls, breaking down the doors, smashing the mirrors with battering rams but nothing works. The director just finds us and drags us back.”

“Who’s ‘The Director’?”

“Again no-one knows. He is like the voice of god. He comes out of nowhere and we all tremble at his announcements. From now on my friend the director owns your life”.

Their conversation is interrupted by a commotion from the kitchen area at the other side of the garden

“What the f**k was that?” asks Marcus.

“If were lucky,” replies Sandy, “it’s a major earthquake.”

“And if we’re unlucky? ….”

“If were unlucky my friend, then the chefs are up and cooking breakfast” …….

Next episode : Meet the chefs

Lol.

This is actually quite creepy. (Not the bit I have quoted I mean, but the general concept).

oooh I love it, can't wait for the next episode

*lays towel on front seat*

Hahaha brilliant, can't wait for the next episode

Episode 2 : Meet the Chefs

The scene is a very large kitchen in a huge grey building. It is open plan and next to a dining room which has a very large round dining table with exactly 166 seats placed evenly around it. There are four people in the kitchen. Penny from Ward 2 is by herself walking around in circles constantly repeating “In the kitchen, out the kitchen, in the kitchen, out the kitchen”. Gos from Ward 4 is sprawled across a kitchen stool watching her and occasionally saying “That’s brilliant”.

Two other figures are standing in the middle of the floor arguing. They are Rex from Ward 9 and Roberto from Ward 6. They are arguing nose to nose (or in Rex’s case nose to chest). Roberto is wearing a comedy apron with the outline of a naked woman on it. Rex has some still steaming pasta on his head. It is slowly trickling down to his shoulders and onto the floor.

Rex – “ …. and I’ve told you time and time again, keep you Ward 6 psychos out of the kitchen. Maxwell does not get anywhere near the food, especially if he has any cuts that have scabbed over. And what the f**k is with Science and his obsession with raw chickens. The other day I came down and I found him here. He had mutilated our entire weeks supply. When I asked him what he was doing he just said he was pulling there arses off. He then just dumped them all over the floor and Nush from Ward 4 slipped on one and started crying.”

Roberto – “But Nush is always crying. The other day she was crying over Bambi’s mother when Victor from Ward 5 told her that in his hood they would have gunned down the whole herd with an uzi. She had to be taken to the hysteria wing. And besides you and your Ward 9 freaks can talk! I cooked cannelloni for all 166 of us last week and Mohammed ate the whole lot and had the cheek to ask for seconds ….”

Suddenly the kitchen doors burst open and a flustered Rachel from Ward 9 burst in. “Guys I think you should listen ….”

Roberto (turning to Rachel) – “ And you can just f**k off Ghandi !”

Rachel – “But I really think you ….”

Rex – “ I tell you what Roberto. I’ll swap you Rachel for your Wards supply of potatoes.”

Rachel – “But listen ….”

Rex – “For the last time Rachel we don’t have anymore grapes!”

Rachel (shouting) – “Guys. Carole from Ward 8 is heading this way. And the kitchen is in a mess.”

Rex – “Carole!! Oh f**k”

Roberto – “Carole!! Oh f**k”

Suddenly a third voice emerges from under the large dining table. “Carole!! Oh ****!!”. Michelle from Ward 5’s head emerges. It is followed by Kris from Ward 10. He runs towards the exit of the dining room, whilst trying to pull his jeans up. Michelle moves to follow him but before she does she takes out a nail and very carefully makes a scratch on the table leg. It is one of around 50. “Nearly the full set” she mutters to herself before shouting “Wait for me Hairy Chicken”.

In the meantime Rex, Roberto, Rachel and Gos are all running towards the exit. Roberto tries grabbing Penny but Rex calls “Leave her. We’ve only got seconds”.

But they are too late. The lights suddenly flicker for a second, there is a distinct smell of brimstone and the door bursts open. Rachel opens her mouth to scream …….

Next episode : Stalkers paradise.

So he did. How nice to see someone who actually remembers gos instead of just repeating the old 'most boring housemate ever' cliche.

*munches popcorn and noisily sucks coke up through a straw*

Waiting, waiting...

Episode 3 : Stalkers Paradise

The scene takes place in a large sitting area in a massive bleak dark house. Sandy is sitting by himself staring forlornly into space his attention split between the roof and the pool outside. Nichola from Ward 1 is also present. She is naked apart from a thin coating of tomato ketchup she has covered herself with. She is continuously throwing herself against the wall. A number of smaller card tables are set up to one side Alison from Ward 3 is jumping on them one by one. And one by one they are collapsing. Alison is giggling non-stop. Outside the pool Seany from Ward 8, Charlie from Ward 10 and Jonny from Ward 3 are taking turns to push each other into the pool. Every time someone is pushed in they fall about laughing hysterically.

Marcus enters. Sandy notices briefly that what appears to be part of a ripped duvet stuck randomly to Marcus’s leg. Marcus walks over. He clearly still has not come to terms with what has happened to him.

“Morning Sandy. What’s happening?”, he asked.

“I’m just watching these idiots,” Sandy replies indicating the high-jinks by the pool, “Do you know they’ve been at this for 6 ½ hours now?”

Marcus looks around nervously. “Have you seen anyone else from my Ward? I could use a familiar face”

Sandy turns to face him. “Have you not heard? That Irish Girl Noreen, she’s been involved in an incident. Apparently when she was first brought here she was kept in isolation. It was discovered that she secretes some sort of hormone that makes her absolutely deadly to the opposite sex. It is rumoured there is a guy called Pete in Ward 7 who has the same problem. He’s kept locked in there with the rest of the Ward because they have already been exposed.” He then looks earnestly at Marcus and whispers in his ear. “Ward 7 is kept in complete isolation, at all times. The rumours about the poor souls who are held there are terrifying. If you listen at night when it’s quiet you can hear someone screaming for ‘bottled water’”. Sandy shudders and sits back again. “Anway I digress. Apparently Noreen heard this rumour as well. She asked two of the bigger blokes, Lee from Ward 3 and Tom from Ward 10 I think, to kick in her door. She then broke into Ward 7. When she met Pete it was like complete Hormonal Armageddon. They just sat there and stared at each other in a total catatonic state. Jon from Ward 4 theorised that it was like a sexual equivalent of the immovable object versus irresistible force paradox. They just kind of cancelled each other out.”

Marcus is staring open mouthed. “ But that’s f**king horrible. I have to go and rescue her.”

Marcus starts to leave but Sandy grabs his arm. A look of pure desperation crosses Sandy’s face “Don’t go there I beg of you. In order to get to Ward 7 you have to walk down Corridor H!”

“What’s Corridor H?”

“People wait there. Crazy people. They will follow you. They will become obsessed with you. Chanelle from Ward 8 hangs out there, so does Craig from Ward 6. That Indian guy from your series hangs there as well. What’s his name again?.”

“Sree. Or useless pissant. He responds to either”

“Don’t go. You’ll regret it”

Marcus hesitates for a moment but then regathers his resolve. “No. I appreciate the warning but Noirin is my friend. I have to try and rescue her.” With that he brushes away Sandy’s protests and his grabbing arm and sets off on a fateful journey.

Coming at a later date : Marcus’ Walks Along Corridor H

I'm loving this, it's so spot on, so absolutely gruesomely delicious.


I can see that in my minds eye....frightening really


I'm seeing staring eyes, mouth open with tongue lolling and sparks flying in all directions...from both of them



Thanks Cult of Z-List, I'm just getting a sarnie and some alcohol, and settling in for the next episode...

Coridoor H

Now you've done it. Next time you open your door you fill find forum members in balaclavas carrying baseball bats standing on your step.

I laughed so hard a little bit of wee came out

Seriously love this Cult of Z list, its effing genius!!!

Scary monster time...
I'm waiting for the cuddly toys [] of Ward 8 to take on an even more surreal and sinister edge than I recall... Maybe revolt against She Who Will Be Obeyed is nigh... I suspect the air will be filled with the waft of long-boiled vegetables though, whether Rex likes it or not.

Mersey_Rules

Loving the stories...can't wait for the next genius installment!!

I am wondering why Kara Louise from Ward 7 is walking aound with her head stuck up a chickens backside
Would the OP know if it has anything to do with " she who cant be named " and if Kara will ever ever be forgiven ,?

Is Jonathan in isolation with the rest of ward 7 or is he destined to wander alone for all eternity in the house next door?

She might still be dazed from that 'stuffing' episode if she has been telling people she is from Ward 7 - either that or she has been transferred from Ward 8 to the Ward 7 isolation unit for her own protection. I'm thinking that piccalilli could feature soon as a pivotal point in the story-line. Someone from Ward 8 might have been trying to barter with it (...to get to listen to a tune, any tune... Northern Line, Rihanna, whatever...), and someone from Ward 10 will have put it on eBay (...maybe they have more access to the outside world on that ward?). We'll have to wait and see. I sense there might be a 'health & safety' inspection imminent if Mario from Ward 9 sees any red rubber-bands on the floor, the sort that the postman drops.
**Sits on hands and waits/lurks/speculates to self.**

Mersey_Rules

The story so far ......

Marcus wakes up wrapped in a sticky duvet next to a pool with no memory of his previous life. He soon meets a man called Sandy. Sandy tells Marcus that he is in a strange community of 166 people. The community has been here for ten years and grows every year with the introduction of a new group of people called a Ward. The community is overseen by someone called "The Director". Sandy tells Marcus he has been stranded here for eight years, but still wasn't sure how he got there and what his purpose is. He speculates that they may be in some kind of purgatory. In addition he tells Marcus that no-one has ever managed to escape, despite numerous attempts.

While this is happening two rival chefs are arguing in the kitchen. They are interrupted by a worried Rachel who informs them that a strange and frightening woman called Carole is on her way to see them. This causes panic and they try to escape, but are just to late and are cornered ominously by Carole ......

Meanwhile Marcus seeks out Sandy again. Sandy tells him that his wardmate Noirin has been badly injured in Ward 7. A place so twisted that it has been completely isolated for three years. Marcus bravely resolves to rescue Noirin, but before he leaves Sandy gives him a dire warning that in order to reach Ward 7 he would have to pass down Corridor H, facing the terrifying creatures which lurk there .....

Coming soon Parts 4 and 5. Marcus braves Corridor H, and the Final Fate of the Kitchen 5

This is very good work Cult

It's starting to sound like 'Prisoner'...are there going to be huge inflated balls and someone shouting 'I am not a number'

Booger we had that with Sophie's boobs and Siavash refusing to n nominated

Kara-Louise is alloacted to Ward 8 in this story. No-one in that Ward will have a pleasent fate. But wait till you see what happens to Brian, Nicky and the Twins.

oooh, I can hardly wait....

Wonder what they do with the walkers?

Permanently on a treadmill?

That would be my punishment for them....

Jonathan was indeed dragged kicking and screaming into isolation three years ago. His current fate remains unclear and known only too everyone else on Ward 7, the Director, and a now catatonic Noirin.

Mario will play a major supporting role as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Dark Mistress". All will be revealed.

Excellent! Next slice please

God can't stop chuckling and I didn't even watch all these BB's but I clearly get the picture

Cult of Z brilliant stuff