Oh dear. Now I'm going back to Lurking behind the sofa, covering my eyes and ears. I hope it doesn't involve zombies, or cliched concepts/words like 'fauxmance' or 'fake' or 'fame-hungry'.


...or what happens to people who seem very stressed, and ask to leave? Jason from Ward 5 and Ziggy from Ward 8 might be suffering, listening to a recording of Jon from Ward 4, on continuous loop, singing "We can check out anytime we like, but we can never leave!".


Good-o! I would expect nothing less from a veteran of 'The Ant & Dec', watched by 14 million. I am thinking that maybe Siavash from Ward 10 and Lisa from Ward 9 will suffer a hideous mix-up of clothes and make-up, that no-one will ever tell Ward 8 where to find the washing machine, and that Steph from Ward 4 and Gerry from Ward 8 will be tussling over the vacuum cleaner for eternity.


Spooky! I was also going to ask - who is Number Six of the 166? --- "I am not a number, I am a free man"?

Mersey_Rules

PS Presumably, in an empty room somewhere off Ward 8, Charley will be starting an argument and embroidering her knickers, in no particular order.

There certainly will be if Marcus doesn't get some time alone soon.

A work of towering genius! Z lister I salute you!

Please. please, please let Emma, Nadia and Marco loose on Marcus

LOL what a brilliant thread....
Well done OP.

”.







My favourite parts!

I have got to say this is utter briiance OP.Funny and rather creepy at the same time.Cant wait for the next part.

Can I just ask Cult of Z list if you have ever visited a mental institution? I have in both a professional and personal capacity (no I wasn't admitted, honest) and you've got it down to a T! Its scarily accurate. Maybe that's where all BB contestants should end up, the nearest laughing house.....

When is the next part??

I was just adjusting my balaclava but failed to find my baseball bat - alas

Or, perhaps, "I am not a sandwich"

Ooh-err

Episode 4 : Marcus Braves Corridor H

Marcus is walking alone across the garden looking very nervous. The only other people who are present are Shell from Ward 5 who is running around and around in a circle, naked, pushing a toy lawnmower and screaming “Weeeeee”, and Bex from Ward 9 who is sitting in the middle of the circle with a tray full of eggs. She is randomly picking out eggs and throwing them in the air. They are then falling and breaking on her head. The yolks are running down her face and shoulders but she doesn’t appear to notice. She is constantly repeating “Boren. Boren. Boren.”, in a monotone voice.

Marcus is lost. But looking up he sees a notice on the wall “Corridor H leading to Ward 7” along with a helpful arrow pointing to his left. He follows the arrow which soon leads to a very long and very dark corridor. It has a strange sort of darkness and he can’t see more than 10 yards. Remembering Sandy’s warning he leans against the wall and closes his eyes to compose himself.. The he is suddenly aware that he can hear whispered voices coming from above him. He springs forward as if expecting an attack but nothing materialises. Looking up he sees a picture of Davina McCall on the wall. He moves the picture and finds a small air-vent behind it. It is the main ventilation for Ward 7! It is far too small to crawl down but this is where the whispered voices are coming from. He pushes his ear against the vent and is able to pick up odd words

“I’m cooking an egg he he he”, “bonneh”, “are you ok babes, are you ok babes”, “who is she! who is she!”, ”know your self little girl”, “bonneh”, “(fart) ha ha ha (belch) ha ha ha”, “are you ok babes”, “cooking an egg”, ”bonneh”, “BOTTLED WATER”, “know yourself”, “want a cup of tea”

Marcus shudders. He then moves away from the vent, gulps and sets off down Corridor H. He has barely got twenty feet then he feels someone pulling his ponytail. There is a camp voice behind him.

“You always have such lovely hair Anfernee. I could cut it for you Anfernee. I can look after you. No-one loves you like I do Anfernee”.

“I’m not Anthony you freak” Marcus screams and throws his arm, knocking his assailant of his feet. But he is persistent and grabs Marcus’s leg, hanging on for dear life.

“Your always so cruel to me Anfernee. Would you love me if I was pretty like Makosi Anfernee? Don’t you think I’m already prettier then Makosi and Orlaith? They can’t give you what I can Anfernee. They don’t love you like I do. Do you like Anal Sex Anfernee?”.

Suddenly another pair of deceptively strong arms grabs Marcus’s shoulders and slams him against the wall. His vision blurs and he starts to lose consciousness. He is aware of another voice, female this time.

“We could get deals Ziggeh. I want my deals Ziggeh. Do you want deals too Ziggeh? I want some deals. You do love me don’t you Ziggeh? What do you mean it’s not you it’s me”.

Marcus is now completely overpowered and helpless. He falls to the floor with his two attackers on top of him. He looks up to see a pair of legs in front of him.

“I’m Sree. You do like me don’t you? I just know were going to be best friends Noirin. You are my best friend in this house Noirin. Personallyme I love you Noirin. Do you love me too?”

Marcus is now being pulled along Corridor H by his legs. He desperately tries to dig his fingers into the floor but it is sticky lino and he can’t find any purchase. There are voices all around him.

“I’m going to keep you with me for ever and ever Anfernee”

“We’ll get in Heat magazine Ziggeh”

“You’re my wife now Noirin”.

He has time to scream ……

Next episode coming soon – Whatever happened to the kitchen 5?

Awsome!!!!

Brilliant !!!!

Is there any hope at all for Ward One ? Or are they simply lost souls ? Are the fake babies they have to look after still wailing in thier own little hell on earth

The Chef's segment of the storyline will be starting on a tour of all 10 wards very soon ......

Fantastic cult of Z you really should try and get this on stage!!!

Maybe you could write BB's "storylines" next year.The figures would surely fly up

Episode 5 – Whatever happened to the kitchen 5?

The scene returns to the kitchen. Roberto, Rex, Rachel, and Gos are frozen mid stride. They are staring in awe at the apparition in the doorway. Penny sees her to stops walking in a circle and runs to the corner of the kitchen panting “bad lady, bad lady, bad lady” .

Carole enters the room. Her hairy mole is now neatly decorated with a beard braid. Wispy black hair sticking out the end of the braid suggests that it’s previous owner may not have parted with it entirely willingly. She is holding a piece of clothes line. The clothes line is attached to two studded black leather collars. Inside the two collars are her Ward 8 inmates Ziggy and Liam, the only other thing they are wearing is a nappy like garment, also in black leather and studded. “Sit” Carole orders and the two obediently trot over to a table and start lounging around.

Carole walks over to the still frozen chefs and starts circling them ominously. She stops in front of Rex and notes the pile of pasta on his head, and the ever increasing pile now at his feet. She sticks her finger in the pasta on Rex’s head withdraws it and licks it. “Mmmm. Basil and oregano”. She then turns to Gos.

Carole – “You. Clean up this mess now.”

Gos – “Y…y…yes Carole. Straight away.” He scurries off towards the cleaning cupboard.

Carole – “Don’t call me Carole. There is no need to be so formal. Dark mistress will do. Wait!” Gos stops in his tracks. “Not the mop. Tongue.”

Gos – “What ….”

Carole (raising her eyebrow) – “You have questions?”

Gos – “No. No. No.” he drops to his knees and starts gobbling the pasta on the floor.”

Carole begins circling the three remaining chefs again.

Carole (to Roberto) – “Hmmm. Boys will be boys. Were you arguing Roberto? Did you win the argument”.

Roberto – “Yes …. Er …. No”

Carole –“That’s good. We don’t like winners do we boys. Winners are selfish aren’t they.” There is muttered approval from Liam and Ziggy. “Belo thought he was a winner. Didn’t he boys. He used to talk about it all the time. For two years I was trapped here with Belo. But Belo doesn’t say much now. Do you know why that is Rex?”

Rex – “N ….n ….no Dark Mistress”

Carole – “Because I cut out his tongue Rex. Oh it was for his own good of course. He was becoming to prideful, he had to be silenced. Just like Nicky. Always moaning about food, always wanting to eat. Wanting to eat meat as well. Selfish animal killer is our Nicky. So I struck a compromise. I cut out Belo’s tongue, put it between two slices of bread and fed it to Nicky. They all learned their lesson. Belo is no longer prideful and Nicky is a vegetarian. They were so grateful for there lesson. I am a most generous mistress aren’t I boys.” (Muttered approval from Liam and Ziggy).

Then Carole notices the quaking Rachel fro the first time. “My you’re a pretty one aren’t you. Do you like pink my pretty?”

Rachel – “Yes ….. no ….. I mean …..”

Carole – “Sam and Amanda liked pink. They loved pink soft and fluffy things. For two years they talked about nothing else. Do you know what I did to the Pink things my pretty? I burned them; all of them. On a huge bonfire. Oh Sam and Amanda did make so, but it was for their own good you see. They were getting avaricious towards pink things. But I had pity on Sam. I took her under my wing. I reminded her of all the pretty pink things she had lost. The I showed her how pink her sisters skin was. How soft and pink. And how Sam didn’t have any pink things anymore. So I gave her a potato peeler. And she peeled her sister. Oh Amanda did make so. And Lesley ran off and was never seen again. But it was for their own good you see. Amanda isn’t pretty and prideful anymore, Sam doesn’t like pink things anymore and I have a nice set of soft pink cushion covers. I’m a wise and generous mistress aren’t I boys ……” (Muttered approval from Liam and Ziggy)

Coming next : Whatever happened to the kitchen 5 part two: Nutroastgate

Eposode 5 .LOL LOL LOL at the black collars .

Getting darker by the minute. Beats "Dead Set", anyway....

Ok...a wow



Where's the rest of Siavash??

omfg~! this is awsome! more more more more!!!

I'm glad I'm reading this at lunchtime, not midnight...
Awesome work! And worryingly believable...

Just brilliant

One of my favourite parts

The story so far

Marcus wakes up next to a strange pool in a strange house with no memory of his previous life. He meets a man called Sandy who tells him he is in a strange community of 166 people which is growing every year. Sandy had been there 8 years. He tells Marcus that there is no escape from the community. Sandy seems on the level but does he know more than he is letting on? Later Sandy tells Marcus that his Wardmate Noirin had been severely injured in a mysterious place called Ward 7, which had been in isolation for 3 years. Against Sandy's advice Marcus tries to rescue her, but he is easily overcome by some of the denizens wholurk in a place callled Corridor H. He is dragged away to an unknown fate.

Two chefs have an argument in the kitchen which results in the floor being dirtied. They are interrupted by Rachel who warns them that a strange anf frightening woman called Carole is approaching. They try to escape but are just to late and Carole corners them and terrifies them with tales of the fates of other people who have crossed her path.

Comming soon

Episode 6: Whatever Happened to the Kitchen 5 Part 2: Nutroast Gate
Episode 7: Signs, Portents and Revelations Part 1 : Codename - Rainbow

This is the best thread ever! Pure brilliance!

That sounds like an chapter from a S King Novel e.g Misery.Dirty bird, dirty bird.Very scarey and so Carole like.The woman was like Catherine de Borgia.