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Tales from Nark'em Asylum Population 166
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Cult of Z-List
18-09-2009
Originally Posted by rossyrahrah:
“A work of towering genius! Z lister I salute you!

Please. please, please let Emma, Nadia and Marco loose on Marcus”


Emma is going to be making an appearance soon ..... in a new guise
Pips
18-09-2009
I'm going away on holiday tomorrow please tell me what happens before I go.
kattymieoww
18-09-2009
Excellent stuff!
Stormier Ziggy
18-09-2009
This is absolutely superb

Cult of Z-List, I was wondering if you mind me using some of your jokes/humourous observations about housemates in my second episode of Zig Brother? I'd give all due credit, but some of your writing is just brilliant XD
Cult of Z-List
19-09-2009
Originally Posted by Tangynasha:
“omfg~! this is awsome! more more more more!!!”

The next episode will be coming tonight
_Broken_
19-09-2009
Originally Posted by Cult of Z-List:
“Episode 5 – Whatever happened to the kitchen 5?

The scene returns to the kitchen. Roberto, Rex, Rachel, and Gos are frozen mid stride. They are staring in awe at the apparition in the doorway. Penny sees her to stops walking in a circle and runs to the corner of the kitchen panting “bad lady, bad lady, bad lady” .

Carole enters the room. Her hairy mole is now neatly decorated with a beard braid. Wispy black hair sticking out the end of the braid suggests that it’s previous owner may not have parted with it entirely willingly. She is holding a piece of clothes line. The clothes line is attached to two studded black leather collars. Inside the two collars are her Ward 8 inmates Ziggy and Liam, the only other thing they are wearing is a nappy like garment, also in black leather and studded. “Sit” Carole orders and the two obediently trot over to a table and start lounging around.

Carole walks over to the still frozen chefs and starts circling them ominously. She stops in front of Rex and notes the pile of pasta on his head, and the ever increasing pile now at his feet. She sticks her finger in the pasta on Rex’s head withdraws it and licks it. “Mmmm. Basil and oregano”. She then turns to Gos.

Carole – “You. Clean up this mess now.”

Gos – “Y…y…yes Carole. Straight away.” He scurries off towards the cleaning cupboard.

Carole – “Don’t call me Carole. There is no need to be so formal. Dark mistress will do. Wait!” Gos stops in his tracks. “Not the mop. Tongue.”

Gos – “What ….”

Carole (raising her eyebrow) – “You have questions?”

Gos – “No. No. No.” he drops to his knees and starts gobbling the pasta on the floor.”

Carole begins circling the three remaining chefs again.

Carole (to Roberto) – “Hmmm. Boys will be boys. Were you arguing Roberto? Did you win the argument”.

Roberto – “Yes …. Er …. No”

Carole –“That’s good. We don’t like winners do we boys. Winners are selfish aren’t they.” There is muttered approval from Liam and Ziggy. “Belo thought he was a winner. Didn’t he boys. He used to talk about it all the time. For two years I was trapped here with Belo. But Belo doesn’t say much now. Do you know why that is Rex?”

Rex – “N ….n ….no Dark Mistress”

Carole – “Because I cut out his tongue Rex. Oh it was for his own good of course. He was becoming to prideful, he had to be silenced. Just like Nicky. Always moaning about food, always wanting to eat. Wanting to eat meat as well. Selfish animal killer is our Nicky. So I struck a compromise. I cut out Belo’s tongue, put it between two slices of bread and fed it to Nicky. They all learned their lesson. Belo is no longer prideful and Nicky is a vegetarian. They were so grateful for there lesson. I am a most generous mistress aren’t I boys.” (Muttered approval from Liam and Ziggy).

Then Carole notices the quaking Rachel fro the first time. “My you’re a pretty one aren’t you. Do you like pink my pretty?”

Rachel – “Yes ….. no ….. I mean …..”

Carole – “Sam and Amanda liked pink. They loved pink soft and fluffy things. For two years they talked about nothing else. Do you know what I did to the Pink things my pretty? I burned them; all of them. On a huge bonfire. Oh Sam and Amanda did make so, but it was for their own good you see. They were getting avaricious towards pink things. But I had pity on Sam. I took her under my wing. I reminded her of all the pretty pink things she had lost. The I showed her how pink her sisters skin was. How soft and pink. And how Sam didn’t have any pink things anymore. So I gave her a potato peeler. And she peeled her sister. Oh Amanda did make so. And Lesley ran off and was never seen again. But it was for their own good you see. Amanda isn’t pretty and prideful anymore, Sam doesn’t like pink things anymore and I have a nice set of soft pink cushion covers. I’m a wise and generous mistress aren’t I boys ……” (Muttered approval from Liam and Ziggy)

Coming next : Whatever happened to the kitchen 5 part two: Nutroastgate”

Cult of Z-List
19-09-2009
Episode 6 : Whatever Happened to the Kitchen 5 Part 2 : Nut Roast Gate

We stay in the kitchen Carole is continuing to walk circles around the chefs ominously. A wet patch has appeared on the front of Roberto’s trousers and it is slowly trickling down his leg.

Carole stops circling and smiles. The smile is noticeably lacking in anything resembling genuine human warmth.

“Well enough of these pleasant reminiscences,” she says, “I actually came for some of your most excellent Nut Roast”

“You girl,” she snaps at Penny, “Roast. Now.” Penny lets out a yelp of terror but obediently runs to the fridge. Carole begins circling again. “I hope this is up to your usual high standard” she tells the chefs, “Because remember there are more than one type of nut.” She looks contemptuously at Rex’s groinal area. “I love Nut Roast. Kara-Louise didn’t like Nut Roast. Did I ever tell you …..”

Suddenly there is a loud metallic THWACK sound and Carole stops mid sentence. Her eyes glaze over and she falls forward completely unconscious. Penny is standing behind her a large metal tray in her hands. She smiles “Bad Lady fall down”

Rex freaks. “Oh s**t Penny do you realise what you’ve done. That was Carole. You’ve just signed our painful death warrants.”

Penny looks crestfallen. She points to the tray “No. Nut Roast. No. Nut Roast”. The chefs look in horror. She is right. The tray is empty but for a few crumbs.

Roberto - “F**king Mohammed. Can you not keep your friends out of the kitchen Rex?”

Rachel - “Rex doesn’t have any friends. He just has people who tolerate him.”

Rex - “Yeah Yeah. Do you have any idea how serious this is? What the f**k are we going to do”

Rachel - “We could wait till she wakes up and tell her we’re very very sorry.”

Rex - “Brilliant idea Rachel. I’ll even wipe my feet on you when she turns you into a Rachel shaped ornamental rug.”

Roberto - “We’ve got no choice. We have to run and keep running. Were going to have to hide out on the wards she might not find us there.”

Gos - “But isn’t that against the rules. Were not allowed to go into each others wards. Shouldn’t we tell The Director or something.”

Rex - “Read between the lines Gos. No-ones heard from The Director for months. It our own rules now The Comms Room was condemned after that fight between the maniacs from Wards 5 and 6. Ask Roberto. He was there!”

Roberto (sheepishly) - “Yeah. Well. Not our finest hour I admit. It started when Kemal borrowed Nadia’s blusher without asking and escalated. Victor and Jason cornered Eugene. One got one arm, one got the other, they pulled … there was a ripping sound … then Kinga did her one woman bottle launcher. Was firing bottles right out of her ……”

Rachel (tersely) - “Yes Roberto we all know what happened. No need to push the point.”

Roberto - “But that’s exactly what she ….”

Gos - “Guys Carole’s starting to come round. We’ve got to go. Now.”

Rex - “OK the wards it is. We’ll start at 9.”

Gos - “Don’t be soft Rex. Two of us are from there. That’s the first place she’ll look.”

Rex - “I’ve got to get Nicole first …”

Rachel - “Nicole won’t make things any better. Nicole never makes anything any better.”

Rex - “Ok just us four then. Let’s go”.

Gos -”Five. What about Penny?”

Rex - “Leave her. She’s vegoid”

Rachel (horrified) - “We can’t just leave her. Have you never heard Two Little Boys (starts singing) Do you think I would leave you dying when there’s room on my horse for two ….”

Roberto - “Rachel, Rex would have shot the wounded one in the head”. He grabs Penny’s arm and drags her. Carole begins to moan. The five run towards the exit and Ward 1.


Next episode : Signs, Portents, and Revelations Part 1 : Codename Rainbow
Eric_Blob
19-09-2009
ROFL.

All this banter between Rex and Rachel really makes me miss BB9.
SpecialFried
19-09-2009
Best installment yet.
Barracute
19-09-2009
I have only just discovered this thread, what have i been missing lololol Best thing i have read in ages - ! Strange how they all seem at home in an asylum like its their natural environment !

Well done OP and keep em coming !
Tal
19-09-2009
I can just see the team from League of Gentlemen re-enacting this - it has the same sort of macabre humour
Kewpee
19-09-2009
*munch* still here...*slurp*....

flippin' brilliant...saving it all to read again, printing it out to read in bed......or maybe best read in daylight....
JUPITERDATALEGE
19-09-2009
just magnificent stuff,cult of z list,have relished every episode avidly,youre a great writer,massive congrats and respect,youre the bard of bb ds forums!
rossyrahrah
19-09-2009
Superb! Best one yet *applause*

Originally Posted by Cult of Z-List:
“ She looks contemptuously at Rex’s groinal area. “I love Nut Roast.”

Excellent juxtaposition

I *so* want to go and look contemptuously at people's groinal areas now
Lofty Forehead
19-09-2009
Originally Posted by Kewpee:
“

Where's the rest of Siavash??”

I suspect his corpse is strung up in ward 1 next to Nicks as a result of David & Rodrigo enrolling in Craig & Darren's school of 'How to deal with inmates who f*ck with the nomination process'.
Stephok
20-09-2009
Gotta agree with everyone else on here ......Brilliant thread and storyline ...........Cult of z listers should be employed by Endemol !
Cult of Z-List
20-09-2009
Episode 7 : Signs, Portents, and Revelations Part 1: Codename Rainbow

Sandy was not having a good day. He had been up for seven hours, his feet were killing him, Jonny was being even more irritating than normal and no-one had seen Marcus for four days. And now he was fifteen minutes late for his most important meeting of the week. It wasn’t exactly his fault though. He had had to spend 45 minutes explaining to Brian from Ward 2 that he wasn’t an evil demon, and then just when he had managed to extricate himself from that situation he was waylaid by Bea, the most recent, most devout and most irritating convert to the Church of Christ and St Cameron. When he explained politely that he wasn’t interested in eternal salvation of the soul she had launched into a twenty minute lecture about positivity and negativity. He felt sorry about it now but eventually he had to chin her.

He rushed across the garden, which luckily was empty, and with a quick furtive glance over his shoulder he headed towards hat use to be the Comms Room, ignoring the sign which said Danger - Unsafe Building Keep Out. Rubble debris and broken bottles lay everywhere but Sandy carefully picked his way through it until he reached a strange door. He leant forward to an almost invisible microphone whispered twice “Codename Rainbow, Codename Rainbow”. An almost invisible door slid open behind him, and, with one last glance behind him, Sandy slipped into a hi-tech room.

Thirty seconds later a shadowing figure emerged from amongst the debris and quickly headed back to the garden ……

Inside the secret room Sandy sat down on a large chair and faced an empty screen. A strange metallic computerised voice emerged.

“You are late Agent Codename Geoffrey. Report please. Have you made contact with Marcus yet?”

Sandy looked nervous. “Good morning Rainbow. Er there’s been a bit of a FUBAR on that front I’m afraid. I made contact with him like you asked, and even started to feed him some information about the Pete and Noirin situation. But well, he’s not the subtlest of men and kind of went off half-cocked (I suspect this is a regular thing given his questionable personal habits). In short he’s disappeared. I did some asking around, Bex thought she saw him, but well you don’t get much sense out of her at the best of times, and all she did was sort of point at the entrance to Corridor H whip her top off and run across the garden screaming ‘boring‘. I think Marcus may have headed up there. And well, we know that will not end well. He’s probably dead already, or at the very least he won’t be able to sit down for a week when Craig has finished with him”

There was a whirring sound whilst Rainbow digested this information. “This is ….. unfortunate. But my calculations show that Marcus is as essential for a successful conclusion of this enterprise as Noirin and Pete. We must make every effort to verify his situation”.

Rainbow falls silent again. Sandy patiently awaits his order. Rainbow speaks again “Agent Codename Geoffrey, our calculations show that this world is coming to an end. We can absorb perhaps one more Ward and that will be the end. We therefore must move our plans forward. I want you to contact the other member of the Rainbow seven, Agent Codename Bungle, Agent Codename Zippy, Agent Codename George, and Agents Codename Rod, Jane and Freddie. You must then attempt to rescue Marcus. When that has been achieved to must then complete the successful extraction of both Noirin and Pete. Be very careful though because my sources tell me that The Director has disappeared and the Dark Mistress may be ready to strike. There maybe ….. opposition. Do you have any questions/”

“How will I recognise the other agents? I don’t know who they are.”

“The power of the Dark Mistress grows daily. It is to risky to divulge that information here. You will have to find away to make yourselves known to each other.”

“One more question Rainbow. How do you know so much about Noirin, Pete and what is happening on Ward 7?”

The whirring sound again. “Rainbow will get back to you on this. You have your orders Agent Codename Geoffrey. You may now leave the secret room….”


Next Episode : Signs, Portents and Revelations Part 2: Come Four Horsemen
SpecialFried
20-09-2009
Thanks COZL, this is a delight.

Stay tuned, folks.....

JUPITERDATALEGE
20-09-2009
better and better,COZL,cant wait for the next episode!
Gaz22
20-09-2009
This is class.
Jenova
20-09-2009
Gar! Curses, it was all going well, when I was late to the party and able to read at my leisure, but what now, eh? WHAT NOW?..................................
Cult of Z-List
20-09-2009
Episode 8 : Signs, Portents, and Revelations Part 2 - Comes Four Horsemen

The scene takes place in Ward 8. There is a large mound of broken and disused furniture, a diary room chair sits at the top of this mound with an uripped diary room chair perched on top of this. Carole is sprawled across the chair holding court. In her left hand she hold the washing line with Ziggy and Liam attached. Behind her on the wall a whimpering Jonty is tied in an inverted crucifix, completely naked apart from a toy monkey which is protruding out of his bottom. At the base of the mound David (who is dressed the same as Ziggy and Liam) is holding a toilet chain this is tied around Shabnam’s neck. Shabnam has a jesters hat on her head, made out of ripped towels. David is continuingly jerking the chain repeating “Dance for the mistress, dance for the mistress”.

A little further away Emily is tied face down on a scruffy bed. An also be-nappied Billi is whipping her with a damp tea-towel. He is repeating “Sniff the mattress, sniff the mattress” as he whips. Gerry can be seen in the distance, His right arm has been severed below the elbow and a vacuum cleaner has been roughly sewn onto the stump.

Tracey is behind Carole tenderly dabbing her head with TCP. It doesn’t appear to be having much affect. In fact it appears to simply boil away to nothing as soon at it touches Carole’s skin. Carole is fuming. Eventually she takes a swipe at Tracey with her right hand “Begone” she screams. Tracey yelps and jumps off the furniture mound and makes herself scarce.

“They touched me my children”, there are gasps of horror from her minions, “They pawed my lily white skin. I was trying to help them. Trying to advise them. It was for their own good. But they touched me. They struck me …. And for that they must pay, they must be hunted, they must be found, and they must be taught to appreciate me.”

She stops for a second as if considering something. Finally she stands and says simply “It is time.”

“Belo!” she shouts, “Belo! The end times are approaching. Bring my Horsemen to me” A dark figure scuttles away. Carole is now raving. “It is no longer enough to rule here. The end is approaching, I must rule everywhere. I must rule everyone for their own good”.

Belo returns and cowers away in the darkness again. Four shadowy figures stand behind him.

“Ah my beautiful Horsemen,” Carole raves, “No longer will the names famine, war, pestilence and death be the most feared. No it will now be my new horsemen who spark fear in my enemies souls. Please step forward ….. Spite”.

Luke from Ward 9 emerges from the shadows. He is wearing a full body gimp suit with hundreds of leather spikes., a cruel sneer is on his face

“You are Spite,” announces Carole, “your cruelty is legendary. And now step forward the second of my Horsemen …. Bureaucracy.”.

A strange orange glow permeates the darkness and Mario from Ward 9 is revealed. His is wearing only a fur loin cloth with large key round his neck. He is carrying a massive whip made out of hundreds of red elastic bands and sticky tape bound together.

“May your enemies pray that they never feel the lash of your red tape whip. You are the leader of my Horsemen …. And next my most beautiful and loyal Horseman. Step forward ….. Naked Ambition”.

Charley from Ward 8 emerges from the shadows. She is dressed in a form fitting black leather cat suit. Dozens of knives are placed in sheaths at regular intervals on her costume. All the knives have ornamental handles carved in the shape of pound notes.

“Nothing shall stand in the way of you and your aims. And finally my last Horseman, and proudest achievement. Come forward …… Ignorance”

Emma from Ward 5 steps into view. Her hands are chain together and she has a Hannibal Lecter mask over the lower part of her face. Even behind the mask she makes snapping movements towards everyone close by. Even Carole takes an involuntary step backwards.

“Our times has come my horsemen. You are to go out and you are to find the chefs and bring them to me. And you are to spread my word as law. And if anyone does not accept my word? …… They are to be destroyed …… Utterly”.

Next Episode - Agent Bungle
Mersey_Rules
20-09-2009
Re: "Episode 5 – Whatever happened to the kitchen 5?"

Originally Posted by Cult of Z-List:
“ [...] The clothes line is attached to two studded black leather collars. Inside the two collars are her Ward 8 inmates Ziggy and Liam... [...]”

Is that what they got for their insubordination near the end? ---> At least it's clothes-line though, and not knicker-elastic.
""It's not that the food's cooked that's p***ed her off," he reassured Kara-Louise. "She's p***ed off because you're taking away the power that she's got here.""
http://www.channel4.com/entertainmen...ousemateId=681


Originally Posted by Cult of Z-List:
“[...] "Do you like pink my pretty?” [...]”

Awwww. What did she do with Gerry from Ward 8 - has she eaten him and pinched his turn of phrase? If she comes out with "Don't boo me, wolves!", that'll clinch it. He could have fallen foul of the pans of boiling vegetables, or the Ward 8 bathroom steamers, or maybe he's still standing looking forlornly into the empty fridge. [[Postscript: Oh noooo! He's befallen the vacuum cleaner treatment - episode 8! http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/s...&postcount=970 ]]



Originally Posted by Cult of Z-List:
“[...] And Lesley ran off and was never seen again. [...]”

...probably keeping calm with Sunita from Ward 3 (watching her sliding down banisters and refusing to play hide-and-seek), while eating a banana with a knife and fork. "Yes keep calm Lesley. Have a strawberry." Maybe she's blogging her way out... 'Escape to Victory', but with keyboards. She'll be organizing the escape rota methinks: "I'll be doing mangling… and postmodern irony".


...and how did Michelle from Ward 5 escape Corridor H? (Was she under the table, or quelling a one-man military coup somewhere ["It isn't going to happen"], when they were allocating that corridor?) I hope Chanelle is not left with the 'pointy end' of the carrots and no hair-straighteners if she is sequestered with Craig C ["I aren't a provoking starter"] and Sree ["I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. Can I take your order please?"].

**Presses refresh button for next installment.**
Mersey_Rules


PS Episode 8: Re: "He is carrying a massive whip made out of hundreds of red elastic bands and sticky tape bound together." ...knew those red rubber-bands would come in handy.
Barracute
20-09-2009
argggggh i hate cliff-hangers ! Whens the next part culty ??
Cult of Z-List
20-09-2009
Originally Posted by Barracute:
“argggggh i hate cliff-hangers ! Whens the next part culty ??”

Tomorrow, or Tuesday Morning.
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