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DS Crisis Support Group? (Part 5)


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Old 13-08-2010, 00:14
charliestubbs
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Hi guys, i lost my mum 5 years ago, then two weeks ago my aunty died, then on sunday my uncle died, anyone got any advice on how to cope with greif, not really sure how to handle it all, at the moment i just feel numb.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

I also have recently suffered the loss of close relatives. To help me through I used to think of all the good memories I had shared with these people, that should help ease the pain...

A practical tip is to perhaps make a photo album full of these good times and show them to your spouse, children... surrounding yourself in a loving, supportive family is what you need right now, remember you may not be the only one grieving, share how you are feeling with those close to you, it's nothing to be embarrassed about...

Feeling numb is a common feeling so soon after a bervement, emersing yourself in your family, giving support to them, and also allowing yourself a little me time to deal with your loss should help. Perhaps going for a walk or a run, or maybe taking a swim down at the gym? Or maybe getting involved in a new hobby and meeting new people may help you feel a little more engaged in life?

Once you a past the funeral of your loved ones then hopefully you will naturally feel less bereaved and if you get involved in hobbies or local projects or even investing time in family then hopefully this feeling of numbnesss will be replaced by a sense of worth...
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Old 17-08-2010, 16:48
Skyknight
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I feel tired of life. The weight of the world rests heavily on my shoulders and... well I could just close my eyes and drift away. :sleep:
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Old 23-08-2010, 02:20
Smithy1204
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Hi guys, i lost my mum 5 years ago, then two weeks ago my aunty died, then on sunday my uncle died, anyone got any advice on how to cope with greif, not really sure how to handle it all, at the moment i just feel numb.
I'm so sorry to hear that, it's such an awful thing to go to, especially so close together like that.

Remember that there is no right or wrong way to cope with grieving, there are many stages of grief which can take a long time to go through, and however you feel is ok.

Do you have any other family to help you through this at the moment? Sometimes it's helpful just to talk to someone, whether that's a relative, a close friend, or a counsellor if you need it.

charliestubbs made a good suggestion about the photo album, have you ever done anything like that? Or maybe you could plant some seeds in memory?

I'm not sure what advice to give, but if you want to talk to anyone I'm always around.

I feel tired of life. The weight of the world rests heavily on my shoulders and... well I could just close my eyes and drift away. :sleep:
Are you getting any help at the moment? (Sorry, I've not read this thread for a long time so I'm not sure if/when you've posted before). I understand that feeling so well, but you can and you will get through it. It sounds like you need to take some time for yourself, get some rest and relax - do something to look after yourself. I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

---

So um. Hi everyone. It's been a long, long time since I've posted in this thread. I'm struggling with some stuff at the moment though, so I was wondering if I can just come and lurk for a while.

I won't say too much because I don't really know what to say about it right now, but I've mentioned a lot on DS lately what's going on in my life, and yeah. I'm not really sure if I'm coping with it or not, I feel like I'm overreacting but then I read statistics and stuff about it and I think it is a big deal, it really is. So I just kind of need some support or something, I guess.
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Old 23-08-2010, 09:35
sallygill1961
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I'm so sorry to hear that, it's such an awful thing to go to, especially so close together like that.

Remember that there is no right or wrong way to cope with grieving, there are many stages of grief which can take a long time to go through, and however you feel is ok.

Do you have any other family to help you through this at the moment? Sometimes it's helpful just to talk to someone, whether that's a relative, a close friend, or a counsellor if you need it.

charliestubbs made a good suggestion about the photo album, have you ever done anything like that? Or maybe you could plant some seeds in memory?

I'm not sure what advice to give, but if you want to talk to anyone I'm always around.



Are you getting any help at the moment? (Sorry, I've not read this thread for a long time so I'm not sure if/when you've posted before). I understand that feeling so well, but you can and you will get through it. It sounds like you need to take some time for yourself, get some rest and relax - do something to look after yourself. I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

---

So um. Hi everyone. It's been a long, long time since I've posted in this thread. I'm struggling with some stuff at the moment though, so I was wondering if I can just come and lurk for a while.

I won't say too much because I don't really know what to say about it right now, but I've mentioned a lot on DS lately what's going on in my life, and yeah. I'm not really sure if I'm coping with it or not, I feel like I'm overreacting but then I read statistics and stuff about it and I think it is a big deal, it really is. So I just kind of need some support or something, I guess.
hi smithy if you need to offload you can i do lurk here most days or pm me and i'll get bk to you asap
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Old 23-08-2010, 09:57
Smithy1204
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hi smithy if you need to offload you can i do lurk here most days or pm me and i'll get bk to you asap
thank-you, I really really appreciate that. Hope you're ok.
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Old 19-09-2010, 19:47
poggler
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Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind me posting here, especially as I haven't had a 'crisis' exactly, but I really want to speak to someone. I have always had problems with food. It used to be that I would never be able to stop, to the point of making myself sick, even if I wasn't hungry or didn't like the food- i had to eat all the time. Recently, something happened (that I'd rather not go into atm), and now I have the opposite problem. I can't eat in front of anybody else, and I pretty much only eat fruit now, and I have a compulsion to chop it into tiny bits before I can eat it, and even then, i can't eat a whole fruit. I have just tried to eat supper, but I had about one fork and then gave up.
I'm sorry to leave this here, but I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to that would understand. Thanks for reading.
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Old 29-09-2010, 14:55
Elphie_Lives
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I just wanted to have somewhere to write, as I'm starting to feel as if I can't talk to anyone as it'll only upset them. My therapist insists on CBT and I just can't find positives, my GP makes me feel guilty by bringing up my parents when I say I want to die, and its like I know but I can't help it.

I just can't stop thinking about death, about hurting myself., about what it'd be like to be sectioned. Uni is stressing me, I hate it already, but I just go so it keeps everyone else off my back. I feel as though I'm getting weaker, that one day there is going to come the point where any plans I've made about suicide are going to be more than just plans. I feel...empty and I try and put on this front, and it destroys me insidet when people say "you're always so smiley".

I don't think my medication is working, and I've still got to wait 3 weeks further before my GP will consider alternative ones. I can't see my ever doing well in assignments I can barely concentrate anymore in lectures. The only thing I get pleasure out of is writing, and then all I do is put myself down over it.

Sorry for the rant I just needed to get it out, to people I know won't be hurt by my thoughts.

Poggler^ I think you should see your doctor, you could always write a letter in case its too hard to talk outloud. Hope you're ok ((hugs))
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Old 01-01-2011, 01:18
lamblinmerc
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I feel tired of life. The weight of the world rests heavily on my shoulders and... well I could just close my eyes and drift away. :sleep:
Sky, I understand how you feel, believe me. If you can, try to go here

http://www.comh.ca/antidepressant-skills/adult/

And download this. It's a terrible title, but in the middle of an endless night after endless numb weeks, this little workbook got me at least back on my feet, and out from under the duvet....

It won't help you find all the answers, but it will help you start to find some....

Best of luck...bear through it...somehow
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Old 06-01-2011, 19:30
debsy T
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i really need some relationship advice i have been with my present partner over 20 yrs and we have not had an intimate side to our relationship for the last 6 i have stayed out of duty since my partner became disabled .

i have since met someone its not a 'regular' relationship but it is what we both want i feel like the biggest bitch going i don't intend to cheat on my partner but i just need some help i am almost 50 should i stay in a loveless relationship to keep everyone else happy
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Old 07-01-2011, 00:16
lamblinmerc
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i really need some relationship advice i have been with my present partner over 20 yrs and we have not had an intimate side to our relationship for the last 6 i have stayed out of duty since my partner became disabled .

i have since met someone its not a 'regular' relationship but it is what we both want i feel like the biggest bitch going i don't intend to cheat on my partner but i just need some help i am almost 50 should i stay in a loveless relationship to keep everyone else happy
Hi, sorry to hear you are having a struggle with this. I am no expert and you know that no one will be silly enough to tell you what to do, but I can give you my thoughts. Staying out of duty is a very unhealthy situation emotionally speaking, but I think I understand your dilemma.
First, I always use the analogy of the gas mask on an airplane. It seems weird we put it on ourselves, even before dependants, children etc, but this is because if we drain ourselves, how can we look after others. So take time to make sure you do not jump into something too quickly. Given your unhappiness and discontent you may be seeing this new opportunity as greater than it is, ie, give it time to know its not infatuation, or jumping from frying pan into fire.

I'd probably say in an ideal world, the best thing for YOU would be to leave and have some time alone, but I know that's a hard, option.
I suppose the only advice I could give would be to try to preserve some kind of relationship and understanding. If you are friends, make sure your partner knows that the friendship is always there. Give him time to adjust that your desire is to start afresh, but again, you'll preserve respect if you take things slowly if at all in the first instance with this new potential partner....

I hope its of some use. Good luck with your thinking it out, and remember to consider yourself, because you need to look after you first and foremost.

x
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:22
debsy T
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Hi, sorry to hear you are having a struggle with this. I am no expert and you know that no one will be silly enough to tell you what to do, but I can give you my thoughts. Staying out of duty is a very unhealthy situation emotionally speaking, but I think I understand your dilemma.
First, I always use the analogy of the gas mask on an airplane. It seems weird we put it on ourselves, even before dependants, children etc, but this is because if we drain ourselves, how can we look after others. So take time to make sure you do not jump into something too quickly. Given your unhappiness and discontent you may be seeing this new opportunity as greater than it is, ie, give it time to know its not infatuation, or jumping from frying pan into fire.

I'd probably say in an ideal world, the best thing for YOU would be to leave and have some time alone, but I know that's a hard, option.
I suppose the only advice I could give would be to try to preserve some kind of relationship and understanding. If you are friends, make sure your partner knows that the friendship is always there. Give him time to adjust that your desire is to start afresh, but again, you'll preserve respect if you take things slowly if at all in the first instance with this new potential partner....

I hope its of some use. Good luck with your thinking it out, and remember to consider yourself, because you need to look after you first and foremost.

x
thanks for your replystaying friends is not an option unfortunately my partner is not that understanding it doesnt help the crap social services put on me by saying well if debbie was not here xxxx would have to go into care its a lot to do that to someone for your own selfishness
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Old 08-01-2011, 15:15
Toggler
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thanks for your replystaying friends is not an option unfortunately my partner is not that understanding it doesnt help the crap social services put on me by saying well if debbie was not here xxxx would have to go into care its a lot to do that to someone for your own selfishness
This is so very hard for you, and I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do but there are times you need to put yourself first. Is it being selfish not to sacrifice your own needs and wants for the sake of someone else? In a relationship where one partner becomes disabled the whole relationship changes to one of 'carer' and 'cared for'. Is this what you really want for the rest of your life - you are a woman in your prime at 50. I imagine your partner is grateful, scared and resentful in equal measures about the state they are in and about you.

My darling mum developed Alzheimer's when she was in her late 70's and my Dad did everything for her and kept her at home. OH and I did our best but Dad was his own worst enemy in some ways as he wouldn't take her to the day centre or let her be picked up and taken to the day centre for a bit of respite, until in the end I had to tell him the caring was beginning to kill him. If he became ill the outcome would be the same, Mum would go into care. He saw the sense of this and Mum did go into care for the last 8 months of her life, and loved it, but the grief and guilt were terrible for all of us.

I know it is a very different scenario to yours, but in your position I would be thinking very carefully about the quality of everyone's life, and that includes you. Don't let Social Services blackmail you or anyone put the guilt trip on. Think laterally about the way things are with your partner and if there is a day centre or some other support you can both tap into. If you ultimately decide to part company, that is entirely up to you. My Mum always said, 'be happy, you pass this way but once' and she was right.

My Mum died unexpectedly on Christmas Day 2008 and I continue to be consumed by grief and sit here in tears now thinking of her and I can see and hear her in my memory. Sorry to have burbled on and now lumbered you with my problems, but whatever decision you do make, keep the faith and remember you don't have to own all the problems or be the sole provider of all the solutions for someone else.
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Old 12-01-2011, 19:21
debsy T
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thanks toggler i'm just at the end of my rope with it all
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Old 06-02-2011, 12:35
timewarpbunny
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I've never posted in here before and this might be long, so please bare with me.

A bit of background. I have 3 children, the youngest of whom was diagnosed with autism 2 years ago. She's nearly 5 now. During the diagnosis process I began to realise that my husband also fitted a lot of the symptoms of Aspergers syndrome. I've had confirmation of this from the people who work with my daughter although husband has never had a formal diagnosis.

Since we realised he is an Aspie things have been getting progressively worse. It's almost like because he has a name for the way he is he has an excuse not to "try" anymore. He is obsessed with cars and has a workshop some 15 miles from home. I used to work full time and had to put the children with a childminder as he couldn't cope with them at all. Then my autistic daughter had a bad experience with the childminder so I pulled them out. Hubby asked me to give up work and he would try and make a go of making money from cars. I did so (in July last year) as I knew he wouldn't cope at home with the little ones, especially in the holidays.

I'm really struggling to cope at the moment. I feel effectively i'm a single parent. He isn't supportive at all, he can be verbally aggressive to me and the children, he's selfish and single minded. Everything has to be about him and what he wants. There is no affection unless it is on his terms, he promises the children stuff and lets them down. There is no middle ground and if I ask for some support, or just for him to spend some time at home, he accuses me of trying to turn him into a lapdog. He says I should be able to cope because everyone else does. I try to explain that being in a marriage means caring for and supporting each other, not living in each others pockets but he doesn't see that. He literally comes home, eats, sleeps and leaves again. I am so frustrated and hurt and there is no support.

My family are all miles and miles away and the friends I do have find him difficult and with youngest daughter being autistic I can't get out very often as she has to be well prepared, generally need 2 adults to watch her and with our own transport as she can't use public transport. I don't drive but hubby does, which is something he throws at me all the time. I can't afford driving lessons.

I can understand his frustration, I know how confusing things can be for him, I've read every aspie couples book going to try and understand him. He just won't make any effort in return and I'm heartbroken. I think he'd be happier on his own, but I'm not sure he'd cope and I do genuinely love him.

How on earth do I get through this without being a 2nd class citizen in my marriage for the rest of my life?
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Old 06-02-2011, 17:17
sallygill1961
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hi you may not get much response as the thread isn't used much anymore i have a nephew with aspergers but i am afraid i dont know much about it i just wanted to acknowledge your post really
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Old 06-02-2011, 17:20
sallygill1961
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thanks toggler i'm just at the end of my rope with it all
can you talk to your partner at all because it isn't doing either of you any good to stay 'out of duty'
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Old 06-02-2011, 18:08
timewarpbunny
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hi you may not get much response as the thread isn't used much anymore i have a nephew with aspergers but i am afraid i dont know much about it i just wanted to acknowledge your post really
Thank you, I'll post in the main section x
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Old 13-02-2011, 12:27
Jason100
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Does anyone know what a dream featuring fire means? Last night i dreamt that a building was on fire and the entire place was filled with smoke. I was one of the people helping to getting the residents out before it exploded but once we got all the redisents out, nothing happened. No explosion, no nothing, it just stood there burning.

The dream felt so real, i can even remember what was said. I've head similar dreams like this before where i can remember what has happened after i wake up.
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Old 13-02-2011, 13:05
jane-hen12
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Jason try googling dream analysis, comes up with a few good sites x
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Old 28-04-2011, 01:18
bloozy
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Sitting here alone and so sad.

I've spent most of today in hospital with my son and his wife. My husband was also there and my daughter in laws parents.

Our very much loved and looked forward to grandchild was still born in the early hours of yesterday. My daughter in law was 37 weeks pregnant.

Our hearts are broken. How do you support your child while he holds his still baby. How do you stay strong and cope with your own grief?
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Old 28-04-2011, 11:43
Nesta Robbins
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Sitting here alone and so sad.

I've spent most of today in hospital with my son and his wife. My husband was also there and my daughter in laws parents.

Our very much loved and looked forward to grandchild was still born in the early hours of yesterday. My daughter in law was 37 weeks pregnant.

Our hearts are broken. How do you support your child while he holds his still baby. How do you stay strong and cope with your own grief?
Oh goodness, that's such a terribly sad thing to happen to your son and his wife. Tragic during any time of her pregnancy, but particularly poignant when she's nearing the end. Please try not to be hard on yourself, I personally don't think anyone will expect you to try and be strong; you are each going through tremendous grief and are in this together. I think perhaps take the lead from your son and daughter in law. They will be comforted to know you're there if they need you and that you understand. ((( So sorry. )))
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Old 28-04-2011, 13:13
sallygill1961
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Sitting here alone and so sad.

I've spent most of today in hospital with my son and his wife. My husband was also there and my daughter in laws parents.

Our very much loved and looked forward to grandchild was still born in the early hours of yesterday. My daughter in law was 37 weeks pregnant.

Our hearts are broken. How do you support your child while he holds his still baby. How do you stay strong and cope with your own grief?
Thinking of you all as nesta said you are all grieving albeit differently give yourself time x
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:03
bloozy
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Thank you Nesta, Sally. x

My son and daughter in law are quite awesome. They are holding each other up and being realistic and don't expect to be over this quickly. They tried for 4 years to have this baby.

I am just trying to listen to what they need and not crowd their grief. It isn't about how the rest of us feel really, we must be here for them and hope that in time they will move forward.

I have to remind myself that though I've had the same experience, also at 37 weeks, also my first child and also a girl, that this is not my experience it is theirs and I mustn't relive my own pain through their loss. It isn't easy.

Thank you for your kind words, it helps. x
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Old 02-05-2011, 18:42
jonesyboy
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Thank you Nesta, Sally. x

My son and daughter in law are quite awesome. They are holding each other up and being realistic and don't expect to be over this quickly. They tried for 4 years to have this baby.

I am just trying to listen to what they need and not crowd their grief. It isn't about how the rest of us feel really, we must be here for them and hope that in time they will move forward.

I have to remind myself that though I've had the same experience, also at 37 weeks, also my first child and also a girl, that this is not my experience it is theirs and I mustn't relive my own pain through their loss. It isn't easy.

Thank you for your kind words, it helps. x
Couldn't agree more. One of our daughters had a stillborn son 4 years ago. I can picture the poor little mite to this day. She now has a delightful 18 month old daughter who is a downs baby. She is treasured by us all and is such a happy little soul.

The past few few years have been torrid at times. We are, however still all together as a family and are here when needed. Live for the day/moment .

Pete
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Old 03-05-2011, 16:15
bloozy
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Couldn't agree more. One of our daughters had a stillborn son 4 years ago. I can picture the poor little mite to this day. She now has a delightful 18 month old daughter who is a downs baby. She is treasured by us all and is such a happy little soul.

The past few few years have been torrid at times. We are, however still all together as a family and are here when needed. Live for the day/moment .

Pete
Thank you Pete for you comment.

I think one of the things we can take away from such an experience is a complete appreciation of the children, that if we are lucky will follow such a terrible loss.
The first thing I did when I got home from the hospital was hug my other children and it was just such a comfort.

I went on to have 5 more children and count my blessings often.
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