"Recent events, negative publicity and the continuing battle in the ratings with The X Factor have forced us to reconsider the role of the judges on the show. Usually, we would leave such adjustments for a new season however additional factors* mean that the following measures will taken with immediate effect:

1. Judges may only score between 8 and 10 for each dance. The audience will not be misled nor will they be informed of this new rule.

2. As 7 will no longer an available score, we have had to reserve use of the score 9 to Mr. Goodman who assures us that he can do something lovably Cockney with it. We think it will be "Nye-nnnna" but this will not be confirmed before Mr. Goodman returns from the US and has a chance to sit down with the makeup team. The impact on wrinkles of the accompanying wide eyes and trout mouth must be within acceptable bounds.

3. Ignore rule one unless you are Mr. Goodman. If you are not Mr. Goodman, refer to rule four.

3. Judges may only score an 8 or a 10 for each performance.

4. All judges must, without derivation, say the following as the first sentence of their turn: "You've obviously been working very hard - well done."

5. The second sentence must not, without derivation, be mean** or open to interpretation by any viewer as mean***.

6. The third sentence is banned.

7. The last sentence may only consist of witty wordplay or quip at the expense of Craig Revel-Horwood. Mr. Revel-Horwood will, of course, be required to play with himself.

8. This is a reminder: Mr. Forsythe's jokes will be met by each of you by a belly laugh, regardless of content.

We hope by these steps to satisfy all those who work within and enjoy the work of the BBC.

Good luck.

Yours faithfully,

D. Gibbons

*As yet undisclosed sexual escapades between the dancers (refer to your briefing of 1.10.09), Brendan Cole's keyhole surgery to remove the stick, Bruno's herniated cocyx, greater vigilence by Fox News and the Daily Mail, ... (continued on page 16).

**Copies of Mean Girls on video are available in Rm 146 on the 5th floor. They must be signed for and returned in the same condition as they left. The presence of honey, vaseline or motor oil will no longer be acceptable as fair wear and tear. We pay you enough for you to get a working VCR from e-Bay.

***If this should be too difficult to achieve, see rule 6."

Thanks for that - I loved it.
But why have I got this sneaking feeling that it's not too far from what's actually going on?

Love it! I can see something similar being sent out to the judges this week after the Brendan/Bruce debacle.

I particularly liked Rule 8. I suspect there is a great deal of truth in that one!

Rule 15 , Please ensure there is no mention of animals , living or extinct ( ie dinasaurs etc ) as it can lead to celebs storming off and taking umbrage .
No animals ( living or extinct ) shall be henceforth, in any shape or form , mentioned again .

I love it

I do think the infamous "SeVEN!" should be retained.
I feel that many viewers could be lost if this iconic utterance is no longer to be heard.
I urge D Gibbons (don't mention the kangaroo!) to reconsider AND to change his name by deed poll in order to avoid offence to ....well, anyone.

But...but...but he's so funky!

Maybe Len could award SeVEN plus TwOO!

Also Rule 8 requires modification.
Mr Ribbons (yes, Mr Ribbons) must concede that this is an unworkable requirement and contrary to the spirit of European Human Rights legislation ..."employees shall not be compelled to undergo cruel and unusual punishment in the course of their employment..."

The BBC have calculated that by the time the matter reaches the European Court of Justice in 2024, the matter will be academic by the internment of said Mr. Forsythe and the compensation limited by the fact that the employees expenses in the mental home are minimal.

Really love it! So realistic it could actually be happening. Great to have a light-hearted, humorous thread for a change

Very well thought out!

Can I add one other rule: Each judge must use the 2,3 & 4 paddles at least once during each series!

Rule 334

" Due to unforeseen rating war with an unmentionable other programme we are now asking to up the ante and bring more life to SCD
It is now thought that we will bring life to the party by introducing more sing along songs .
Thus this Saturday all please ensure you clap and jig and whoop along to
Chim Chim enyyyy , Chim Chim enyyyy Chim Chim Cherooooooooo

The production team would appreciate blackened faces and a little less decorum and more knees up type movement

Next week we hope to introduce a chorus and a sing along to

"CON SIDERRRRR Your Self Part of the FAM IL YYYYY ""

Judges and celebs and all Pros will be expected to turn up in rags and join in

But only after a due consultation process to ensure that they are not all used for the same performance.

Scoring should aim to give a celebrity a minimum score of an enouraging 26 for each dance, so the 2 can only be used in circumstances where 3 judges have independently* decided to score a minimum of 8 marks.

* see sub-section Z for definition of 'independently' as it is applied to this recommendation.

Internment or interment? Although I suppose either are likely by 2024.

Ola beams happily

She has spares should anyone need an outfit.

Rule 334 Amendment: URGENT

"The BBC is sensitive to prejudicial stereotypes and consultation with Human Resources has confirmed that to require the team to blacken faces would be contrary to the organisation's Equal Opportunities Policy. Therefore, the props master must ensure that all chimney soot used for the purpose is appropriately pastel in shade."

Please note that vigorous use of the knees should never occur in conjunction with strenuous hand-movements. This has given rise to an allegation of "jazz-hands" which allied to Charleston-knees may give offence in some quarters.

The judges are really putting me off this year.

Rule 334 Amendment of Amendment
It would be deemed more suitable if aforementioned chimney soot would be in a lavender shade , so as not the insult any skin tone .


Rule 445 . A memo to Claudia to try to ensure she has enough spray tan to cover all exposed areas .As we have had some complaints of small children and animals being frightened by the white look .

I love the fact that you have two Rule 3s

That is part of the "Equal represention of All Rule Threes" directive.

The rules have been suspended due to a complaint by Rule 5.
The substance of the complaint is that the "Equal Representation" directive should apply equally to all rules whatever their number (Roman or Arabic system). Until such time as the directive can be clarified and/or amended the judges should refer to the previous rulebook (CXVI/Sept 23 2009) for guidance.
Except on occasions when the programme begins at 19.15 when the Cowell judgement comes into force.