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Ex wife taking my son away to live with another man, advice needed from similar


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Old 19-08-2010, 13:24
Justmadeit
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Longish read ahead but i would really appreciate the advice and taking the time to read, please only advise on the bottom bit in highlights thanks preferably from another dad or someone who can offer constructive advice ta
Ok a brief outline of my story. Im a 35 year old man with a 4 year old son who is my world. My ex wife has been seeing a guy who lives a 2 hour drive away from our area for about a year and a half now.

She 'text' me to tell me the news about 2 months ago that she will be moving to live with our son in latre autumn this year. Communications are frosty between us

Now im just a bloke on a forum and i could be telling you anything, the truth is if id been a bad guy, violent, irresponsible or an alcoholic/drug addict then i could understand her wanting to move away from me. The worst ive done is text her too much and argue with her. I dont think of myself as a bad guy, just flawed like we all are. I accept she loves someone else. The point is this new fella has no ties or comitments, no children of his own and is able to move here to accomodate the situation. I was led to believe that would happen. But that was a year or so ago when i panicked and asked her if she would ever move there and she said no. Things change though eh, thats life...

I love my son and want him close by to me to see after school or in an emergency, as he is starting primary school this year. I know some dads are easy going whether they see there kids or not. Im not like that. I wish i could see him everyday. I also wish he had his real mum and dad living together and trying hard to make things work. We were only married 2 years.

She has said she will make sure i see him and i know i will still see him but i know it will be less than it is. I also dont believe its in the best interests of my son to move, obviously she is entitled to move away. Its 2 hours drive, not outer mongolia, i know. It feels far enough

As i said communication is bad between us, she wont meet me to talk, i also feel she is very bossy and makes the rules but its not a place to sling mud on here.

At the moment my son stays one night a week and as i am out of work right now i see him during the week one day. I want the best for my son. I dont see this move away as being the best for him. I just want to state that i accept my ex wifes relationship, but i was expecting the new boyfriend to be living down here.

Please advise me if you have been in this situation as a man, a relative of a man whos been through it or someone who can advise me,

I need to know what i am entitled to know as a dad about the move, i mean things like the adress hes going to, his school adress etc ???

Please if you can let me know everything i need/ am entitled to know as a dad and any other advice, i wish it wasnt happening, but it is
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:28
wench
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Is there any way you can move closer to him yourself?

There could be a number of reasons why your ex-wife's BF is not able to move closer to her, like his job, maybe he's a carer for a relative etc etc
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:32
The Geek
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There are some people who move a lot further away than your ex is planning to. You can't expect her to stay in the same place until the child is 18 can you? A few hours drive is nothing, and if you feel so strongly why don't you move?
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:33
Justmadeit
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Is there any way you can move closer to him yourself?

There could be a number of reasons why your ex-wife's BF is not able to move closer to her, like his job, maybe he's a carer for a relative etc etc
yes it is his job, ive been told that. unfortunatly thats not in my sons best interest or mine. money doesnt mean a thing compared to seeing your children regularly.

I like to think if the roles were reversed i wouldnt move with my son away to live with a girlfriend in say birmingham for example while my sons mum stayed here, but who knows.

I just feel that mums and dads are of equal importance to children.
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:36
fonzerelli
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Can understand how you feel but if you are only seeing him for one day and one night at the moment - the situation would be the same if he moved away. You'd have him for a weekend day, wouldn't you?
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:40
bambii
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I would quietly speak to a lawyer and find what your rights are, then go from there.
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:41
flobadob
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I wouldn't move just yet. If you're unemployed, it's going to be pretty difficult in any case. Wait a while, because there's always a pretty good chance that she will split up from her new man shortly after moving in with him, so she'll be on the move again with your son.
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:42
Hooloovoo
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yes it is his job, ive been told that. unfortunatly thats not in my sons best interest or mine.
Sadly for you, *your* best interests don't matter.

And if the new boyfriend owns a house and has a good job, I can very well see that being beneficial for your son rather than living with a single parent on one income.

I have a friend at work who is in almost the exact opposite situation to you. His girlfriend walked out, but because he has a house and a job whereas she is unemployed, he kept residence of his son. I know for a fact he wouldn't consider her when deciding when or where to move after she chose to walk out and leave them. He would only do what's best for his son, and if that meant moving hundreds of miles away for a better job and a better life, so be it.

I feel for your situation but I really don't think there's anything you can do about it other than apply for residence of the child yourself. If he was at school you could argue that it would be best for your son to stay in his current school and with his current friends, but even the fact that you are unemployed would very much go against you.
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:43
Caramel Crunch
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Are your custody arrangements made by the courts?

Could you arrange to have your son every weekend instead of time during the week?
Could you have him for a week each school holiday?
Would your ex be willing to meet you half way on the journey?
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:47
Hooloovoo
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Could you arrange to have your son every weekend instead of time during the week?
Could you have him for a week each school holiday?
Personally there's no way I'd agree to that.

So his ex has all the fights about getting him up for school everyday, and in bed on time, and does all the hard work, and then his dad gets the fun times at the weekends and sometime during the school holidays? Not a chance.
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:50
Caramel Crunch
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Personally there's no way I'd agree to that.

So his ex has all the fights about getting him up for school everyday, and in bed on time, and does all the hard work, and then his dad gets the fun times at the weekends and sometime during the school holidays? Not a chance.
The son needs to have time with each parent to build a solid relationship with them.
It's not the OP's fault his ex is moving away. She can't have everything.
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:55
Hooloovoo
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The son needs to have time with each parent to build a solid relationship with them.
It's not the OP's fault his ex is moving away. She can't have everything.
That's as maybe, but the simple fact is if she is in England then she can legally move anywhere within England and Wales and there's nothing he can do about it. If she wants to move to Scotland or anywhere else she needs his permission. That still leaves potentially hundreds of miles of legal separation. There's nothing he can do about it.

And I certainly wouldn't give up quality time with my child after I've done all the hard work during the week.
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:57
Justmadeit
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Personally there's no way I'd agree to that.

So his ex has all the fights about getting him up for school everyday, and in bed on time, and does all the hard work, and then his dad gets the fun times at the weekends and sometime during the school holidays? Not a chance.
dont you understand i dont get the chance to get him up for school ontime

please only comment if you can offer something constructive. I dont want this to go off at a tangent into a blaming thing or a mums v dads thing, its not about that

To an above post, no i havent made any arrangements with the courts. I was hoping another dad might be able to offer similar advice.

My son will be starting primary round here for a month or so before moving away, im not sure why but thats the way it is
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Old 19-08-2010, 13:58
wench
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yes it is his job, ive been told that. unfortunatly thats not in my sons best interest or mine. money doesnt mean a thing compared to seeing your children regularly.

I like to think if the roles were reversed i wouldnt move with my son away to live with a girlfriend in say birmingham for example while my sons mum stayed here, but who knows.

I just feel that mums and dads are of equal importance to children.
I think it IS in your son's best interest to be living with 2 people who are able to provide for him financially better than yourself who is unemployed.
Sounds harsh but a child does not survive on love and air alone.
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Old 19-08-2010, 14:01
Caramel Crunch
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That's as maybe, but the simple fact is if she is in England then she can legally move anywhere within England and Wales and there's nothing he can do about it. If she wants to move to Scotland or anywhere else she needs his permission. That still leaves potentially hundreds of miles of legal separation. There's nothing he can do about it.

And I certainly wouldn't give up quality time with my child after I've done all the hard work during the week.
So you would deprive a child of their father becausde you had done the hard work during the week?
That's quite selfish.


The Op isn't leaving his son. His son is being taken away from him & thought & consideration need to be put into maintaining the father son relationship.
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Old 19-08-2010, 14:01
Hooloovoo
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please only comment if you can offer something constructive.
I have given you constructive advice. I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear.

If she currently lives in England, then she can legally move anywhere in England and Wales without your permission. There's nothing you can do about it, except apply to take residence of your son. Sorry.
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Old 19-08-2010, 14:02
Hooloovoo
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I think it IS in your son's best interest to be living with 2 people who are able to provide for him financially better than yourself who is unemployed.
Sounds harsh but a child does not survive on love and air alone.
Agreed.
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Old 19-08-2010, 14:04
fonzerelli
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I think it IS in your son's best interest to be living with 2 people who are able to provide for him financially better than yourself who is unemployed.
Sounds harsh but a child does not survive on love and air alone.
I agree with this!
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Old 19-08-2010, 14:05
Hooloovoo
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So you would deprive a child of their father becausde you had done the hard work during the week?
That's quite selfish.
No, but I certainly wouldn't give up EVERY weekend as you suggested.

The Op isn't leaving his son. His son is being taken away from him & thought & consideration need to be put into maintaining the father son relationship.
That is secondary to the child having a good stable home life.
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Old 19-08-2010, 14:10
fonzerelli
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If he's unemployed - why hasn't he made the effort to have his son more than one day a week??
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Old 19-08-2010, 15:14
Judge Mental
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The only way to resolve this is through negotiation. Clearly your ex-wife can choose to move if she wishes - only you will know whether she would be swayed by the best interests of your child in terms of being able to see both parents regularly and easily. I think it's very sad that she's considering doing this and whilst there may be some benefit to your son to be brought up in a two adult household with more income it's also in his best interests to have parents who support the other parent's relationship with the child and tries their hardest not to compromise that. Could you sit down and express to her your fears of losing the close relationship you now have with your son and ask her to re-consider the move until he's older?

If she decides to move then it may be possible to negotiate (or achieve through the courts) longer access arrangements.

I would give serious thought to finding accommodation nearer to where your son will be living if there is no other option - if you aren't working then travel to work may not be an issue.

Although I'm a mum rather than a dad I have been in the situation of trying to ensure that my kids were able to maintain a strong relationship with my ex because I knew that this was in their long term best interests. We live half a mile apart and the kids (now 18 and 20) were able as they grew up to move seamlessly between the two homes. It really is worth the effort - if your ex-wife really has your sons best interests at heart she will understand this - and maybe it wouldn't hurt to remind her that HE and not either of you is the innocent party here that you need to put at the centre of these arrangements.
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Old 19-08-2010, 15:27
mezmrz
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Longish read ahead She 'text' me to tell me the news about 2 months ago that she will be moving to live with our son in latre autumn this year. Communications are frosty between us
It does seem odd that this kind of news is communicated by text. Maybe she won't move. Hope for your sake she doesn't.
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Old 19-08-2010, 15:31
Milian
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Justmadeit, I think you might benefit from having a look at Families Need Fathers website (http://www.fnf.org.uk/). I haven't had too much of a rummage through it myself, but they've got forums etc and a helpline.

Good luck.
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Old 19-08-2010, 15:36
pippet272
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I am in the same situation but on the other side. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years, he lives 2 hours away. We have discussed many times getting married, living together etc, but I wont move away from my childrens father. My b/f cant move because he has a business and employs a lot of staff so we are still seeing each other weekends. My youngest was 3 when we met so is a similar timescale as well.

As for the better standard of living I dont see that is more important than time with their dad, my b/f has a huge house in the country and earns a fortune, whereas I am a struggling single parent, but I think its more important that they see their dad all the time and have a good relationship with him.

I would love not to worry as I do about bills etc and cuddle by the fire everynight but at the end of the day I will always put my boys first, and if that means waiting till they have all flown the nest before I move then so be it. Rubbish but thats life
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Old 19-08-2010, 15:36
*stargazer*
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Personally there's no way I'd agree to that.

So his ex has all the fights about getting him up for school everyday, and in bed on time, and does all the hard work, and then his dad gets the fun times at the weekends and sometime during the school holidays? Not a chance.
Wow! You sound terribly bitter if you don't mind me saying and a lot less than objective in your advice. I'm sure it is no FUN for the father living apart from his much-loved child.

OP, I would suggest getting in touch with a solicitor who specialises in family law and ask for an initial free consultation - many solicitors will do this for half an hour. You may also find you have free legal advice as part of your car or home insurance. If lines of communication have broken down it may be you need someone to mediate access so that you can both play a role in bringing up your son. Good luck!
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