Originally Posted by lynxmale:
“Brian knew Len's big secret: he was the watchman on the RMS Titanic who abandoned his post. Did you notice the clue in his salute to Brucie last week? He's very old now and sometimes he gets disoriented and thinks he's back on deck. That's how his ballroom career started out, trying to cope with the swaying and his inebriation without falling over the side.
First Len tried to have Brian bumped off with a poison umbrella, and then an exploding cigar. Finally he had a set of concrete dance shoes made for him, which like a fool Brian wore. The vanity! Over the side of Canary Wharf they threw him, to never be seen again.”
There are nuggets of truth in the report above, but David Cameron's henchman's wiretappers had got wind that the truth was about to come out, so they got the NOTW to hack into and doctor the text above with inaccuracies in order to discredit it.
What really happened......
Brucie, then aged only 50, gave Joan Collins the present of a cruise to New York, as reward for being the only person to laugh at his Victorian gags thus saving his show.
It was the inaugural sailing of the Titanic from Southampton. As escort Joan chose Len as reward for not laughing at her latest film. Between Greenland and Newfoundland, the chill air of that April evening was pierced by the ship's siren.
The Titanic struck an iceberg, or to be accurate an iceberg struck the Titanic. At that moment Len was in the state ballroom squiring Joan round the floor in a slow foxtrot. The judder of iceberg on metal caused the string orchestra to lose a beat and Joan to lose a step. "Heel lead, not toe lead," boomed Len grimacing.
With her quick wit Joan understood the situation in a flash. She decided that in the circumstances quickstep was better than slow foxtrot, and lost no time in diving under Len's hold to exit the ballroom, hotfooting to the lifeboats still wearing her ballgown the coverage of which Ola would have approved.
The American orchestra continued playing stoically, doing the best they could with every list and lurch of the hitherto unsinkable ship. "Abide with Me" came to be played at the tempo of a can-can. Len frowned. That was the night Len's antipathy began, towards American orchestras, American Smooth, American tuxedos and American dancers who wore them.
Len somehow managed to find space in a lifeboat reserved for 3 judges into which a fourth judge climbed. Len survived. To all who know this history, it is no surprise that Len bumped off Brian........