Has anybody found that they've only really been able to grieve after a long delay?
My boy Teddy died a month ago aged 13, we had been warned that his heart troubles would spell a relatively sudden end "between now and a years' time", and he almost made two years, still with the same character as always up to the last time I saw him, a week before he died.
In many ways he had saved me from my absolute lowest ebb, more than any human had for sure, so I developed an extremely close bond with him over the years. When he nearly died through a rare parasite two years ago I was ill with worry, but he pulled through. Even when he did, though, it was tempered with an awareness of his mortality and how he didn't have long, and that it would get him out of the blue. I was terrified of the state I'd be in when he did die.
And when my dad finally told me he'd passed away last month, I cried a bit, sure, but nothing to the level I had imagined I would. I had initially cancelled a night out with a friend but my dad convinced me to go anyway, feeling it'd do me good. And then I had an okay evening, although by 2:30am I was sitting in a nightclub just thinking to myself that Teddy had died that very day, and here I was on a night out. I felt terribly guilty for doing that, then even more guilty for the fact I'd barely grieved for him. By the next day I was sad, sure, but unable to react emotionally. I felt maybe it was because in the last three years or so I'd only been able to see him once or twice a month, and I'd actually seen him the previous week. I knew he was dead, but it didn't "feel" out of the ordinary yet. So I planned to go up and visit my dad, face the fact he's not there, and maybe I could mourn him and, ultimately, let him go.
But even that didn't happen. It was horrible, it was awfully hollow and empty without him, but there were no tears, not even any real grief. I've felt awful since, that maybe I was never as close to him as I thought I was. Even though I could feel the grief inside, in a sense, and was unable to let it out. It was just dry.
And then this evening I was casually reading about dog-human bonds, and the next thing I know I was in utter pieces, everything coming out, and it felt as raw as if I had only just been told he's gone. Finally, I'm starting to understand now. Is this a common phenomenon? Truthfully, I'm calmer now, but I still can feel more grief to come soon.
Anyway, I'm really rambling here and I apologise. But I'd like to end this by saying that, whilst tragic and agonisingly sad, this is a beautiful thread to read. Animals are beautiful, they can change our lives even in such a short time. Even through the pain of their passing we are all better people for having them in our lives.
I'm sorry for your loss.
