Analysis
Scott Marsden:
Looks like the fashionable one from a group of lads-on-the-razzle waiting for the girl he's spotted to notice how much better looking he is than EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH.
Patsy Kensit:
Appears to have been distracted by something, as a kitten would by a silver bell or injured starling. Behind her, endless PatsyBots twirl around in a rather snide representation of her love life.
Paul Daniels:
Stands stock still while Ola prances around him, in a 21st century remake of his magic shows. Three hundred viewers complain that this segment should have been a tribute to much missed game show classic Every Second Counts.
Pamela Stephenson:
Beams as only a woman can after, it would seem, three weeks wearing the same crepe-paper 'dress'. Interestingly, at about 9 or 10 seconds, it appears a Doctor Who regeneration process is carrying on behind her in a subtle licence fee justification element the BBC hoped only Government ministers would notice.
Matt Baker:
Rocks side to side like the a first round lightweight boxer in the Commonwealth Games. Is the only opening sequence element where the kaliedoscope imagery utterly fails.
Kara Tointon:
Having one wrist held back in a manner which looks not worrying at all (not one bit) has not stopped Kara "I'm a model too, you know" Tointon from showing off the pose she used for the wedding-ring shots for Elizabeth Duke's new catalogue.
Peter Shilton:
Is playing it for laughs, clearly. Sadly Erin's face brings to mind the voice-overs from Fight Club. "I am Karen Hardy's simmering resentment"
Tina O'Brien
In a nod to Mormon sentiment, there are two jarringly edited sections here. The first has her and the 12year old in an embrace, followed rapidly by an awkward "brother and sister" type pose where the American Teen seems to be hiding his erect nipples.
Gavin Henson
Talking of erect nipples....Having been in a relationship with Charlotte Church for so long, the unease with which Gavin holds onto his partner is made all the more obvious by the woodentop wedding-cake model affairs going on in the background. Except they're not just 'going on', they're standing still. Cold, hard, stock still.
Ann Widdecombe
Preceded by a fleeting glimpse of thigh, the former MP for Maidstone and The Weald throws open her arms in a welcoming manner neatly counterchecked by the severe steep drop behind her.
Jimi Mistry
Can dance. WE GET IT.
Michelle Williams
Having to put up with Brendan moving his octopus hands all over her, Michelle nevertheless looks confident and ambitious. Her fixed grin has more beaming light than the fake spotlight effects.
Goldie
Has been given the Dom Littlewood charm school approach. This does not bode well. Womens' rights movements from Jersey to Kirkwall are watching his groping hands with Sky+ primed for screengrab action.
Felicity Kendal
Looks very good until the moment at about 34 seconds when her face morphs into Aphex Twin. Vincent would still, in all probability, tap that.