Len: 'There wasn't enough faffing about for me!'

I prefer the Ann response: "What? AGAIN?"

BBC Continuity Announcer: "It's 10.15pm and it's over to Digital Spy for tonight's SCD spoiler result"!

Fortunately, the jive was really easy for us because we're both so tall

Alesha: "You were [insert appropriate text]"

Ann "I'm retiring - gracefully."

Before we see the couples dance tonight, showing them how it should be done, please welcome Len and Alesha, Craig and Claudia, and Bruno and Brucie.

Ann: I quit,because i know in my heart that i'm not entertaining,people are not laughing with me rather they are laughing at me,i know that. I really know that. But i was so arrogant and ignorant,thats why i was always insisting to go till final. But by miracle today i understand that everyone else is trying to dance and i'm not,so it will not be fair on them if i don't quit.

Bruce - "Now Len, what are we looking for in a good hokey-cokey?

'Actually, Artem's not really my cup of tea...I don't know what all the fuss is about, he's hardly a looker.'

'Ola's samba dress this week is a high-necked, long-sleeved affair falling to the ankles.'

"Alesha Dixon: 8

and Bruno Tonioli: *insert any other number than 8*"


Matt: "F***ing stupid contemporary s***"


CRH: "Katya your legs look stunning in that outfit."

Bruce - "Our next couple tonight are the media savvy Kara Tointon with her ridiculous accent and her partner Arthur Chigvintsev"

Aliona " the colour is exactly as it said on the tin, pale and interesting"

Brendan "egoist moi?"

Bruno "I'm more bendy than Felicity"

Len " I defer to your better knowledge"

Tess " do you think this dress is a bit short?"

Ann: Do you think Gavin and Katya will mind if we pinch their 'spooning' move for our next dance.

Director: We are only going to use 1 camera on the dancing this week, to give the viewers a treat, by seeing the dancers feet for the whole routine instead of for only a few seconds.

Maz

Well if Justin Bieber can dance and mime on X factor, I'm going to stand still and sing, even though I'm representing Cirque du Soleil and a trained acrobat and dancer.....






Oh I don't have a microphone... bugger....


What was that? I'm sacked? ...

Craig: Gavin, you're not going to win but you try hard and I like you, so I'm going to give you plenty of unbiased, not bitchy, constructive criticism.

Bruce - "the singers are a bit off tonight are'nt they"

Tess - "hey!! fat guy next to Dave Arch - behave yourself"

Bruce - "You know Tess I preferred you when you had a bit of meat on you"

Tess - "Blackpool eh - what a shithole"

Alesha " I have no idea what you were dancing but I love the outfit"

Bruce "Nice to see you, to see you....what it's from one of my old shows, no-one will notice...doddery I ....." THUNK

Tess "Technically that dance wasnt good was it?"

Anne Widdecome is quitting SCD to take part in Dancing on Ice!

Well, at least on ice she already knows how to fall over!

Judges - " Well it's week one but we're not going to display any favouritism in this series".

Ann " Oh s*d it - I'll wear just the thong and the feather boa, then".

Anton " Dancing keeps you fit. I've lost 190 pounds of ugly fat - Ann has been voted out ! ".

Ann - I'm not sure about this costume. I think I need to show a bit more t*ts and a*se. The dance needs more technical elements and less p*ssing about too.

Scott - I'm full of the joys of spring and bursting with energy.

Kara - Sorry, we haven't put the hours in this week - we've been too busy sh*gging.

Bruce - "It's time to meet the Stars of our Show"
Voiceover - "Academy Award winner Brad Pitt and his partner Ola Jordan"

Craig - 10, Len - 1, Alesha - 2, Bruno - something different to Alesha.

Tess - "Claudia and I will be saying 'goodbye' to another couple in the show being recorded between 9 and 10pm tonight"

Len: Everybody knows that the Rumba is ridiculously easy for men. I'm not going to give each male celebrity at least 3 extra marks for attempting the Rumba this year.