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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 3)


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Old 30-03-2012, 20:19
newbaby
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You can't guess how long I took deliberating......


Thank goodness there are people who think about what they write.
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Old 30-03-2012, 23:02
ccmc
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If Liz Jones grew up in Rettendon, as wikipedia claims, how can she be so unfamiliar with country life?

http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/2130905

Even if she grew up in Rettendon Common, it's not exactly the city, is it?

http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/2191009

Did she grow up there? Did she? If for some reason you long to look at pictures of Rettendon, there are thousands:

http://www.geograph.org.uk/search.php?i=29927743

As to people named Jones--
A John Jones was parish clerk in 1861:

http://www.historyhouse.co.uk/placeR/essexr09d.html

Lots of Joneses in the village in 1881:
http://www.britishsurnames.co.uk/188...ssex/Rettendon

Only one Jones from Rettendon in the local workhouse at the time of the 1881 census:

http://www.workhouses.org.uk/Chelmsf...ford1881.shtml

She must have been in a bad way--sick? Unable to work because of a disability? Pregnant?--to be in the workhouse at the age of 28. Anyhow, the picture, if anyone's interested:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/stuart1...n/photostream/

A picture of the crossroads in 1960. I'm picturing Liz in the back seat of the car, thrilled to have been allotted a packet of crisps.

http://www.francisfrith.com/rettendo...c1960_r225007/

The picture of the bird on the right, taken by a Jones, suggests that if this is a relative, he likes birds.

http://serspb.smugmug.com/WildlifePh...435827&k=g66JU

The same man, Roger Jones, has taken some local photographs. Here's a slightly grim one of the track to the site of the workhouse, which is the site of a particularly grisly triple murder.

http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/2719460

Probably nothing to do with Liz, but then there's a certain Russell Jones who was involved in a wee crime:

http://www.bernardomahoney.com/rrmur.../bseatfo.shtml

Rettendon is on ebay!

http://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/i.html?_fr...All-Categories

I'm ready to move into the cottage, providing Liz never comes to the village.
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Old 30-03-2012, 23:06
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Robert Plant. Good point. Send over Ray Davies and . . . no, it doesn't matter who you send: I don't want Liz Jones. (I have a feeling that last sentence proves that not all American women are complete idiots.)
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Old 30-03-2012, 23:48
Bellagio
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If Liz Jones grew up in Rettendon, as wikipedia claims, how can she be so unfamiliar with country life?

http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/2130905

Even if she grew up in Rettendon Common, it's not exactly the city, is it?

http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/2191009

Did she grow up there? Did she? If for some reason you long to look at pictures of Rettendon, there are thousands:

http://www.geograph.org.uk/search.php?i=29927743

As to people named Jones--
A John Jones was parish clerk in 1861:

http://www.historyhouse.co.uk/placeR/essexr09d.html

Lots of Joneses in the village in 1881:
http://www.britishsurnames.co.uk/188...ssex/Rettendon

Only one Jones from Rettendon in the local workhouse at the time of the 1881 census:

http://www.workhouses.org.uk/Chelmsf...ford1881.shtml

She must have been in a bad way--sick? Unable to work because of a disability? Pregnant?--to be in the workhouse at the age of 28. Anyhow, the picture, if anyone's interested:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/stuart1...n/photostream/

A picture of the crossroads in 1960. I'm picturing Liz in the back seat of the car, thrilled to have been allotted a packet of crisps.

http://www.francisfrith.com/rettendo...c1960_r225007/

The picture of the bird on the right, taken by a Jones, suggests that if this is a relative, he likes birds.

http://serspb.smugmug.com/WildlifePh...435827&k=g66JU

The same man, Roger Jones, has taken some local photographs. Here's a slightly grim one of the track to the site of the workhouse, which is the site of a particularly grisly triple murder.

http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/2719460

Probably nothing to do with Liz, but then there's a certain Russell Jones who was involved in a wee crime:

http://www.bernardomahoney.com/rrmur.../bseatfo.shtml

Rettendon is on ebay!

http://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/i.html?_fr...All-Categories

I'm ready to move into the cottage, providing Liz never comes to the village.
Can't prove it (yet), but I'm pretty sure that Liz was born in Hanover and that the family moved to Rettendon Place in about 1959/60: both her parents were born in that well known Welsh town, Gosforth.
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Old 31-03-2012, 02:18
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She was BORN?? I thought she sprang fully-formed from the head of Medusa!
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Old 01-04-2012, 09:10
Paula Panzer
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I see this week's diary is inaccessible. Given the title, following on from the Valentine's Day episode, has some editor actually pulled the plug on this fantasy?
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Old 01-04-2012, 09:21
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I see this week's diary is inaccessible. Given the title, following on from the Valentine's Day episode, has some editor actually pulled the plug on this fantasy?
I wondered whether it had been taken down for a complete rewrite or massive post-publication editing or just pulled for reasons of taste (although it will be in the paper version: now that I've given up buying papers, I'm not - absolutely not - getting in the car in order to buy MonS!)

The "Him" in the title could, of course, be a new "Him", or a "Him" from the past rather than a current "Him". Any old fantasy "Him", actually.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:17
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I've got access to today's diary via the iPad App. It's nothing spectacular. "He" is the RS. She invites him for the weekend. Loads of the usual twaddle, animals, odd behaviour, etc.... He's after a bit of how'syerfather, she distracts him with her new shower. However, she does end up pushing him back on the bed & telling him she loves him, but only because was in danger of misshaping her mattress by sitting on the edge and he had brought a hamper of food. Hope that helps.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:27
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I've got access to today's diary via the iPad App. It's nothing spectacular. "He" is the RS. She invites him for the weekend. Loads of the usual twaddle, animals, odd behaviour, etc.... He's after a bit of how'syerfather, she distracts him with her new shower. However, she does end up pushing him back on the bed & telling him she loves him, but only because was in danger of misshaping her mattress by sitting on the edge and he had brought a hamper of food. Hope that helps.
And of course, incase you though Liz the animal lover had neglected her animals, there is a tacked on the end bit which randomly mentions some dog/cat/ sheep's birthday.

Its barking, but not as incoherant as some of her dreary entries.
But she does excel herself in her rant about the Pasty tax (she approves!). In that she manages to moan about pastry, hot takeaway food , families, DFS sofas and the time she got a parking ticket at motorway service station car park.
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Old 01-04-2012, 11:24
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She does mention that the RS only had one number one hit so does that narrow down who she is fantasising about?
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Old 01-04-2012, 13:49
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She does mention that the RS only had one number one hit so does that narrow down who she is fantasising about?
I think this is thrown in deliberately now that the Jim Kerr trail has backfired on her. She wants all the speculation and attention. She's like a troll but a million times worse!

Ps I just discovered this thread today..its so long i cant read through but a cursory glance is heartwarming! Just to know that I'm not the only one who thinks Liz Jones is madder than a box of frogs and frankly should be barred from ever being published again let alone in a national newspaper makes me
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Old 01-04-2012, 16:56
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Stupid as a box of rocks, too.

I see that there are 18 comments, but it's still inaccessible, at least to me. Yes, DID the editor pull the plug? I live in hope; she makes herself and the Mail look foolish.

We're not supposed to think he's a one-hit wonder, I suppose, but IS a person with one number one hit some thirty years ago (have I got that right?) a "famous rock STAR" who would still be making new albums and going on tour (on something other than a nostalgia tour)? Who was at Glastonbury and only had one number one hit?

And why would a grown woman in her fifties invite a grown man ditto whom she considers a boyfriend to visit her in a rural location, presumably to stay overnight, and then be coy about the whole business of sex? She's some 40 years too old for that kind of behaviour. Why have a "boyfriend" if you don't want intimacy and affection? I just don't get it. Why invite him?

Liz seems profoundly invested in a theory that she is more important than other people, who ought to do her bidding. Call centre people, male drivers, store clerks, and tons of other people are in the world to be her lackeys and take her abuse. Being an ice maiden that a "f"rs wants but can't have . . . I guess that makes her very superior to the rest of humanity. The thing is, it's awfully difficult to find a man who will play along with this whole sexless fantasy for years.
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Old 01-04-2012, 17:54
Paula Panzer
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I've got access to today's diary via the iPad App. It's nothing spectacular. "He" is the RS. She invites him for the weekend. Loads of the usual twaddle, animals, odd behaviour, etc.... He's after a bit of how'syerfather, she distracts him with her new shower. However, she does end up pushing him back on the bed & telling him she loves him, but only because was in danger of misshaping her mattress by sitting on the edge and he had brought a hamper of food. Hope that helps.
Thank you for the summary. So after last week's "I'm so broke" offering, she can afford a new shower?

Newbaby - I can't get in the car and buy a Mail in these parts, but I'm with you in spirit. Actually, now I come to think of it, I was in England nearly a month ago and I didn't buy one then.
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Old 01-04-2012, 18:02
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Does this link work?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/...te-Exmoor.html
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Old 01-04-2012, 18:26
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Hot takeaway food is morally offensive: it tells me you are too tight to eat in a restaurant but too high in misplaced self-esteem to settle for an apple and a packet of raisins. You also have no self-control: you cannot wait until you get home before you start gnawing on a greasy chicken bone. People who eat on the street are worse than those who smoke outside pubs and bars: at least the smokers know they are pariahs.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...#ixzz1qoDrIHQc

so, when I sit on the harbour in Whitby enjoying my take away fish and chips I am mean, have a misplaced high self esteem and am in Ms Jones eyes a social pariah!! words almost fail me. I don't think a "vegan-lite" self confessed anorexic is qualified to pass judgement on other's food habits. Isn't this the woman who thought it was acceptable to spit out her food at her hosts dining table?

As for this weeks fantasy RS column- has she forgotten that a fortnight ago he casually abandoned her on Valentines day...well of course it didn't happen but you get my drift.....
I also thought that he had made numerous visits so surely would have seen the kitchen before AND slept in the bed (with all the incontinent animals). Finally doesn't the "I'm so shy you can't see my breasts" belong to some story circa 1970 in Jackie magazine?
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Old 01-04-2012, 18:29
Lorelei LaFleur
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Thank you for the summary. So after last week's "I'm so broke" offering, she can afford a new shower?

Newbaby - I can't get in the car and buy a Mail in these parts, but I'm with you in spirit. Actually, now I come to think of it, I was in England nearly a month ago and I didn't buy one then.
Not just any old shower either!
It is made of carrara marble and caused the RS, resplendent in a (dirty due to dog) Prada t-shirt that Liz bought for him, to exclaim, "Wow!"
Despite the fact the RS tried to tickle her (where she doesn't say) she told him she loved him.
Altogether now - Awww.
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Old 01-04-2012, 18:51
newbaby
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Thank you for the summary. So after last week's "I'm so broke" offering, she can afford a new shower?

Newbaby - I can't get in the car and buy a Mail in these parts, but I'm with you in spirit. Actually, now I come to think of it, I was in England nearly a month ago and I didn't buy one then.
The "I'm so broke" business is so horribly patronising and arrogant - and blatantly untrue, with its scatter gun references to material (expensive) possessions as if that counts for anything. If the financial situation is so hideous (and, goodness, I could write a thesis about it) you trim your sails, cut the cloth to suit and all of that: don't plead penury and then boast about what you've got. AND, even worse, boast as if the humble reader will be frightfully impressed and could only aspire to these things.

HUH! Sorry, but the LJ diary is now so crazed that it's gone beyond gentle little sidesweeps at inconsistencies and her fertile (febrile) imagination.

And, being particularly pedantic, I wish she'd learn whereabouts it is that her country "hovel" is: seeing an imaginary person is always difficult, but all the more so if viewing the other side of Exmoor from the Quantocks (ref a remark in today's diary).

Oh, I do sound huffy!!
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Old 01-04-2012, 20:17
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Ah, BUT, did you talk very loud and clearly to her, she is 'deaf' you know, particularly when she wants to be and also were you speaking the Queen's good English? Liz is particularly deaf when people have Johnny Foreigner accents and don't know their place.
Lol
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Old 01-04-2012, 20:41
Paula Panzer
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Yes, it worked!

Quote of the week - along with Liz saying: 'I have to try to be normal.'

This supposedly from the FRS:

‘You live in a fantasy world. You fall in love with a record, or a poster, not a real man.

She's finally admitted it.
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Old 01-04-2012, 23:13
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Hot takeaway food is morally offensive: it tells me you are too tight to eat in a restaurant but too high in misplaced self-esteem to settle for an apple and a packet of raisins. You also have no self-control: you cannot wait until you get home before you start gnawing on a greasy chicken bone. People who eat on the street are worse than those who smoke outside pubs and bars: at least the smokers know they are pariahs.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...#ixzz1qoDrIHQc

so, when I sit on the harbour in Whitby enjoying my take away fish and chips I am mean, have a misplaced high self esteem and am in Ms Jones eyes a social pariah!! words almost fail me. I don't think a "vegan-lite" self confessed anorexic is qualified to pass judgement on other's food habits. Isn't this the woman who thought it was acceptable to spit out her food at her hosts dining table?
I was amused then despressed at that article. At first I thought it was an April fools day thing but on reflection I don't think it was.
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Old 01-04-2012, 23:33
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Send over Ray Davies ...... (I have a feeling that last sentence proves that not all American women are complete idiots.)
Only Mistress Jizz would be that silly. .................. [ transatlantic/'special relationship' lovehearts to Mr RD ]
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Old 02-04-2012, 07:35
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She's got her legs out again, for her 'fans'.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...ting-down.html
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Old 02-04-2012, 07:59
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Hot takeaway food is morally offensive: it tells me you are too tight to eat in a restaurant but too high in misplaced self-esteem to settle for an apple and a packet of raisins. You also have no self-control: you cannot wait until you get home before you start gnawing on a greasy chicken bone. People who eat on the street are worse than those who smoke outside pubs and bars: at least the smokers know they are pariahs.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...#ixzz1qoDrIHQc
Well, the counselling she had to overcome the fact that she was too scared to say boo to a goose obviously worked....

This is what I always shout at men who beep me for not moving instantaneously when a traffic light turns green. I put on my hazard lights, lean out and yell: ‘Are you a doctor on call or a fireman? Or merely desperate to return to your DFS sofa?’
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Old 02-04-2012, 08:01
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Fair's fair, you have to admit she's finally got the hair sorted.
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Old 02-04-2012, 09:09
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Fair's fair, you have to admit she's finally got the hair sorted.
So she has. She looks positively nice. And a perfectly sensible article. If only it had not been in the same week as two utterly ludicrous ones I would say that she has finally learned to write like a grown up.

I am kind of amused by the rock star/ hot food ones but also a bit nauseated. Does she ALWAYS have to be so vile about children, merely for existing? What must it be like having Aunt Liz, or Mum's friend Liz, visit, knowing that she views you as loathesome?
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