Friday 30 September 2011

Our ship is parked in geostationary orbit above planet Earth, we are tuned into BBC1 and the inhabitant of a nearby tank is awake and watchful. We are ready for Strictly Come Dancing 2011!!
But sadly, the BBC is not.

Despite the hordes of people, primed with drinks and finger food, waiting impatiently for the familiar strains of Jer-Jer-di-Dada-Jer-Jer-Dee, we have to endure yet another trailer voiced by a Hysterical Giggly Man asking if we are ready – Please, BBC can’t we just get on with the show before my First Officer gets bored and activates the Warp 8 control?

At last we get the music, some quite invitingly close-up shots of all the contestants, a black hat, a panoramic view of the set, and we are off. Abandoning the dizzy heights of the stairs, Brucie comes on from stage right (our left) and obligingly stamps out all ignited cigarette butts on his way to greet Tess, who is wearing a purple ... who is dressed in a purple ... well at least my First Officer admires her knees, and his hand moves to the close focus control. Ignoring all Brucie’s lame opening jokes, as does the audience, he conducts a full analysis of the costumes of the 14-couple contestant line-up: enough to fill a tourist bus. The BBC costume department has worked well this year, with one startling exception (see later).

So here we go, with either a Waltz or a Cha Cha Cha to look forward to – oh no, we don’t - yet more cringeworthy trailers introducing each and every dancer before they perform. Stow your brains in the attic, everybody, we no longer live in the Age of Aquarius but in the Times of the Tellytubbies.

Holly and Artem (28) open the show with a nice cha cha cha routine full of classical moves and a full set of First Night Nerves to explain the clunkiness of this statuesque Aussie TV star’s movements. Everything is there, but needs a good dose of lubricant to get the hips, knee joints and feet moving. Give Artem more time, he’ll do it. Kara can relax meanwhile.

Introductions obbligato to the usual dance band (Dave Arch, his hard-working and hard-to-see singers, invisible players bar the Man with the Black Hat) and our familiar judging panel: the men tidily dressed with Alesha looking lovely. Bruno, closest to camera, seems destined to receive Brucie’s punch lines this year. The comments for H&A are not too harsh (Len: not best first dance; Bruno wants the “eye candy” to have more bite; Alesha recognises both potential and nerves; Craig (6) refusing to play to the gallery, producing highly technical criticism aimed directly at Artem, but admitting “lots of good, actually”.

Second up come Dan and Katya (24), quite good but could have been so much better if only the music of this lilting waltz (“Lonesome tonight”) had been performed with a slower tempo. Then Dan could have glided with his red rose across the floor instead going hoppity skip with his feet. Posture OK – his derrière needs tucking in - only Alesha thinking it looked good. Craig (4) demanded a smile at least.

And now Lulu and Brendan (17), one of the more anticipated turns of the evening. We are not disappointed, but perhaps not for the right reasons. My First Officer demands to know why the BBC has not paired Lulu with Vincent and Brendan with Holly but I threaten instant demotion if he dares switch channels. During the longest 90 seconds of her whole showbiz career, Lulu, looking 100% the part of Latin dancer but forgetting all her steps early on, gamely keeps moving across the dance floor, spinning miles away from the one man who can save her. Fully professional, she keeps performing with a smile and lip-synch singing until the second lift from Brendan. Facing the judges like a lamb led to slaughter, she gets lambasted for daring to forget her steps so completely (Craig 2) but is commended for her party spirit. Fast escape to the Tessanine, and glitter cushion at hand in case Lulu can’t face the scores – but hey, she’s a Scottish lassie and you have to admit than in previous series there have been several more spectacular non-dancing endings to routines. Perhaps Brendan has a Cunning Plan and will wow us next week with a ballroom dance where Lulu remains manacled to his person.

Next up, Audley and Natalie (20) for a waltz and our first true Aha moment of the evening. Despite a suicidally short time for training (admitted in the trailer), Audley manages to do what he has been told and glides, yeah verily I say unto ye of little faith, he glides with smooth motion across the floor in excellent partnership with Natalie in her eye-catching red dress. Bruno is surprised at someone being “so light and graceful for someone the size of Everest” while Craig (3) ignores the size 17 feet in order to comment on the championship boxer’s size 17 “spatulistic” hands. Audley takes it all on the chin with a Mona Lisa smile – Nat is pleased, and that’s all that matters.

Fifth in line come Robbie and Ola (19) for a cha cha cha, but it looks more like a music video. Ola’s tasselled costume and dancing are beautiful, but her directions to hoodie Robbie (scowl, smile, scowl, you are the”Bad Boy”) and steps are executed with lamentable lack of maturity. There is no hip or knee action at all, let alone footwork. Judges bring out yellow cards, lament the over-posing, the lack of dancing (Craig another 2). Alesha tries some weak encouragement but Robbie knows full well it wasn’t good. Give him next week to make up for this to birthday girl Ola.

The penultimate couple, Anita and Robin (28), bring the next Aha moment of the evening in another waltz – but please could Robin remember to finish dressing and wear a jacket to match his partner’s graceful outfit? Anita dances with a grace and elegance that delight us and all the judges, and Robin characteristically eclipses himself at the end to leave his partner centre stage. Craig (7) requests some work on head placement then comes out with his first compliment of the evening “the routine was gorgeous”. Other judges with warm praise and scores. Anita obviously enjoying every minute and happy working with partner Robin, looking pleased.

And now, according to my First Officer, this brings the evening splendidly to a close, but there is one more couple to come and it’s a Dance Disaastah, Darling. In centre stage we observe a larger than life preposterously pink polystyrene bivalve shell – shades of Botticelli and his Venus, perhaps? This is of strong interest to Otto, our 11-legged octopus (there had been a teleporting accident when Otto had nipped back to pick up a dropped souvenir), who starts crawling out of his tank for a Good Food Moment. Stops at sight of Flavia, clad in red with streaks in her raven locks, dancing on her own – surely she needs a partner? – but not the winking chap in Liberace pearl pyjamas who emerges from the shell. Russell may have decided to take over the Widdy role, but Otto’s not having it – have never seen him rush off to hide so fast. The disco dance that follows has nothing to do with cha cha cha – Russell over-compensates with head and arm movements for fact that nothing whatsoever is going on below the level of his navel. The lambasted Lulu has in 10 seconds of her dance slot fitted in more steps than Russell executed in 90 seconds. But, with their attention flagging and increasing cravings for fresh cool beer soon, the judges bring out the “campest ever” flag, Bruno likens Russell to “Frankie Howerd doing Bananarama”, the scores are disgracefully generous and Russell and Flavia get 21. Their ballroom had better be good, grumbles my First Officer (I think he’s got a crush on tall Tess.) I’m busy preparing a special mussel-burger to pacify the affronted Otto.
Roll on the Saturday show, with Valium shots to keep First Officer quiet during the expected Merlin trailers – his sword-play is quite lethal.

Report sheet: Holly and Anita: 28; Don 24; Russell 21; Audley 20; Robbie 19 and finally Lulu 17.
Aha appreciation meter: Audley and Anita registered.
Gloop (costume and staging) meter: 3 tentacles (would have been 6 if the pink shell had contained proper eye candy; 2 tentacles lost due to the Liberace pyjamas).
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With spacecraft legally parked, Otto, the 11-tentacled octopus topped up with mussels in his tank, drinks tray set out ready by my First Officer pretending to be Jeeves, we are back in front of vidscreen for second helpings of Strictly.

No need to restrain aforesaid First Officer while Brucie is prancing across the stage. His glassy eyes are already fixed upon Tessa’s scarlet lipstick – “Is she a vampire? Has she just been feasting?” he mutters while recording image after image of her as posters to keep him company afterwards. A whole Tessa-leg peeps out of the midnight outfit – the costume department has obviously read all his tweets. He does not notice that 14 couples are sashaying down the stairs in new outfits – (what is the bill for costumes on this show, by the way?) Otto has climbed out of his tank to look for the red button with Karen Hardy on it, but gets shooed back as he’s blocking our view.

HARRY & ALIONA kick off tonight’s proceedings with plenty of audience support for a cha cha cha that starts off sultry (well, someone’s already ripped a huge bite out of Aliona’s costume) and ends up pretty sexy. He looks down a lot, but arms, legs etc OK and the partnership looks good. The audience practises its standing ovation again (good against pins and needles, also thrombosis). After lame joke about Craig leaving misfires, Bruce shuts up for the judges. Len and Alesha relatively enthusiastic, Bruno used his eyebrows to emphasise need for sinuosity but pout from Craig (6) that it was “too clean, too placed” elicits a shout of “rubbish” from Bruno, and we end up with the first Judges’ Spat of Series 9. Still, a good score to open the night. (28)

The RORY & ERIN waltz starts ticking a lot of boxes early on: permanent smile, tick; rise and fall, tick; posture, tick; leading his partner, tick; looking into distance, not at the floor, tick and so on. A fast waltz, almost Viennese, with two fleckel spins – a very genuine partnership. Bruce manages “Rory hallelujah!” but Bruno spoils it later by complaining that there is “too much Botox” in Rory’s smile. Len and Craig also notice the bum sticking out, but join Alesha in rating it an excellent first outing. Craig (6) even uses the words “absolute elegance and panache”. Waiving the compliments in the Tessanine, Rory claims he danced more like Tony Blair than Lionel Blair, but Erin’s got that twinkle in her eye. ( Never forget that she’s been runner up, and in the finals more than once!) (28)

For ALEX & JAMES it’s a different story. Alex has a great body, long legs, super smile and any costume will look brilliant on her, but she dances like a wooden puppet, and this is going to take James a little while to sort out. However, the lady is willing, knew all her steps 100% and will surely improve. Standing ovation again – better get the chair seats checked. After Bruno’s remark, Craig (4) criticises the lift, uses words like “incongruous” – but James isn’t having it. Reminding Craig that this is the first week for all contestants, and that some contestants are still smarting from yesterday’s comments, he asks this judge “to be a little nicer” to audience applause. Len and Alesha quickly come in about the dancing, and a squall is averted. Up in the Tessanine, James is all smiles again and proud of his work in progress. (22)

Looking forward to the youngest pairing, CHELSEE & PASHA ........... - hey, Otto, get off the screen – you can’t have her! Our octopus has surged out of his tank and glued himself passionately to the vidscreen. No use arguing with this degree of lust, so quick dash to second vidscreen where forced to watch the show with rest of crew. First Officer approves of the fact that our blonde bombshell is for once wearing more than her underwear, but I have my doubts about the Marie Antoinette hairstyle, which makes her head look too big and wobbly in the waltz. Pasha, very determined, steers her through a dance that is fast and furious. Chelsee incredibly stays upright, produces some lovely arm lines and hand extensions, and consigns her feet to next week’s to do list. Craig, perhaps mollified by James’ little outburst, awards a high 7 for phrasing, Alesha and Bruno are complimentary but Len can’t resist a soundbite “From Petula Clarke to Lady Gaga” to describe how it went from elegant to manic. Chelsee doesn’t hear this, still too stunned by Alesha calling her a “little princess” , a first for her, and is still mulling this over up in the mezzanine. Pasha looks at home. (27)


With teeth and jaws grit against yet another curry joke, EDWINA & VINCENT take to the floor, in flashy red ensembles, for a cha cha cha routine that is active, full of steps and covers a fair bit of floor – pity that stage fright prevents Edwina from more confident execution of the lusty hand grabs that Vincent has so painstakingly taught her. Her “tasselleted” dress reveals some hip action from time to time, and she does smile and grin a lot. Ever the gentleman, Vincent scoops the exhausted lady off the floor afterwards. Ignoring Len’s red hot curry remark in favour of Bruno’s “the old cougar dancing with her toy boy” – judges pay compliments to the action and the confidence and performance, so why then dish up such disgracefully low scores afterwards? Up in the Tessanine all faces fall in shock – jaws visibly falling. (17)

The next pairing has given rise to much speculation: NANCY & ANTON– dream partners or utter nightmare? As the purple plush settee hoves into view, my First Officer’s eyes narrow in disapproval as we know what’s going to happen – Anton’s going to do most of the dancing. But we shall never know what 30 second routine had been worked out for La Bella Donna because once she totters to her feet, her bilious green costume "gets in the way", and a long feather boa constricts any planned waltz steps. Anton’s face gets grimmer and grimmer as he gets rid of it with kicks, flicks and hurried tugs, but when finally it is gone, so is the time. The lady clutches onto him, refusing to execute a single dance step. The man gives up, sweeps the signora up in his strong arms into a definitely illegal lift and then leads a disconsolate female off to face the music. Calling this a pure wardrobe malfunction is charitable (Alesha, 3), while the others advise her to drop the props. Craig triumphantly pulls out a 1 paddle. Bruno’s quip “like a curtain on a spin cycle” is irrelevant but funny, while Len predictably criticises all the “messing abaht”. Up in the Tessanine Nancy sort of apologises, but it’s far too late – 3 weeks of training up the spout. Their salsa had better be good. (12)

The deflated audience, stunned at the sabotaging of Anton, needs cheering up, and that soon. We need a miracle. So a manic Elvis-style welcome to JASON & KRISTINA and yeah, verily do I speak unto ye, a miracle duly occurs. We get a spiffing cha cha cha routine from Kristina who is On the Floor With a Guy Who Can Actually Dance Latin!! We have energy, we have snake hips, we have rhythm, (but Jason had better stop looking at the floor quite so often). He suddenly relaxes and we see the famous toothy grin. Practice has made perfect. The best dance of the night by a long chalk, judges ecstatic, - we now have to bone up on How to speak Oz as Craig and Jason go into an Ozzie drawling love fest under twisted eyebrows while Kristina, still floating on cloud 9, stands in a dream, hardly believing that her luck has turned at long last. What a bonzer finish to the night. (32)

Otto is not allowed to return to his tank until he has cleaned his sucker goo off the main vidscreen. Our First Officer is happily pinning his pictures of Tess up over his bunk. I retire with some hopes and small belief that next week will be just bonzer.

The “best line-up ever”? No, sorry Tess,they ain’t. But we will get some good dancing out of this line-up as they continue their various “journeys”. Cara Nancy, this journey is by Shank’s Pony – you’ve got to put both your tootsies to the ground and listen to Anton. Or else.

After checking back on YouTube, I think we were a bit harsh on Nancy and Anton. Bit too late to edit the post above, so amended version is posted here, to be fair.

The next pairing has given rise to much speculation: NANCY & ANTON– dream partners or glamour duo? As the purple plush settee hoves into view, my First Officer’s eyes narrow in disapproval as we know what’s going to happen – Anton’s going to do most of the dancing. But we shall never know what 45 second routine had been worked out for La Bella Donna because once she totters to her feet, her bilious green costume starts billowing, and once Anton deposits this green handful on the ground, a long feather boa constricts any planned waltz steps. Anton’s face gets grimmer and grimmer as they both fight off the unwanted intruder with kicks, flicks and hurried tugs. When it is finally gone, so is most of the time. Some waltz steps do indeed occur, (though they get speedily forgotten except by Len, and the music ends before we've noticed that they've stayed in hold. Anton decides to end with a bang, sweeps the signora up into a defiantly illegal second lift and off they trot to face the music, which they do with bravado. Calling this a pure wardrobe malfunction is charitable (Alesha, 3), while the others advise her to drop the props. Craig triumphantly pulls out a 1 paddle. Bruno goes to town re the fanning movements and his quip “like a curtain on a spin cycle” is irrelevant but funny, while Len predictably criticises all the “messing abaht” but reminds us that the lady can actually dance. Up in the Tessanine Nancy accepts her fate and the poor scores, but it’s far too late – 3 weeks of training up the spout. Their salsa had better be good. (12)

Thankyou Dorabella - enjoying your posts

Keep up the good work...superb posts, hope they continue next week

Thank you for picking up the JfW musings. I love your humour and am sure that Otto will quickly supplant Hammy in my affection.

Keep up the good work, Dorabella14, I shall follow this thread.

Fantastic, Dorabella ....

Fantastic! particularly enjoyed chelsee and pasha bit.

Message from Otto:

"Hello, Good Evening and Welcome.

I am normally quite sane until I see images of Chelseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee............................"

Loving this Dorabella!

The bridge is crowded tonight. First Officer invited “a few friends” from our sister ship STARSHIP SPLURGE, so engineering had to conjure up extra seating arrangements to suit all 6 species (4 extra-terrestrial) now watching the show on our vidscreens. The FO himself has starched his uniform so that even his trouser creases creak, a sound like metal-fatigue, rendering some of our engineers nervous.

But hey, on with the show, and the first industrial accident of the evening – Bruce has hurt his leg against the sequins of tonight’s short Tessdress (greeted with applause here) – and did we or did we not detect a naughty glint in her eye? She notes the adrenalin which will curse in the veins of some contestants and course in others. We cannot wait.

1.CHELSEE & PASHA: salsa. By precaution we have already isolated our octopus Otto in an escape pod with large vidscreen, spare screen and lots of cleaning fluid for after-show activities. Pasha is trying to win the prize for the highest number of movements inside 10 seconds. Chelsee spins like a swizzle stick on speed, and is still alive at the end of 9 rounds with her personal dervish. Otto gets carted off to sickbay, his 11 tentacles tangled up into a Gordian knot due to trying to imitate all the armography. Silly chap – should have stuck to the underarm passes. The judges reward the energy with a generous 29.

2.EDWINA & VINCENT :fox sit-it-outer. After much misleading cougar-themed advertising in the trailer, here comes a commercial break for some Mediterranean restaurant, complete with Italian waiter con rosa. Only one customer makes it through the door. The wait for the first proper foxtrot step is as long as the wait for a menu in an Arabian bistro, and once started, it soon ends. Bruno reckons the negotiation of Edwina round the floor is like to “a bendy bus negotiating a roundabout”, while the others simply bemoan the severe lack of dancing. 10 for the red rose and 9 for Tory Blue Hat total a generous 19.

3.AUDLEY & NATALIE: salsa. You cannot hide the fact that this is a big man on the floor – betrayed only once by a quick sprint for a number 24 bus. Yet whipmaster Natalie works in quite a few good steps to suit Audley’s rhythm and big big smile. Len observes how Audley has otherwise avoided looking clumsy and Craig (fearful of a threatened left hook, perhaps?) notes that he has a good groove going. Nice guy, let’s keep him in for a while. A correct 23

4.ALEX & JAMES:foxtrot. This was indeed “Miss Jones” in beautifully styled hair, smile and superb dress, plus a large fan announcing some stage business, which James cuts very short. After a quick lipsticky kiss on the cheek of Britain’s former Deputy Prime Minister and a test bounce on Bruno’s less comfortable knee, the “messing abaht” (accurately following the song lyrics) is soon over and we are treated to a sophisticated foxtrot, nearly as smooth as silk. Craig’s 6 deprives them of a 30, however. 29.

This leaves a lasting impression in the mind of my fickle First Officer, who has now gone off Tess and found a new Favourite. Bottles of bubbly already circulating freely.

5.DAN & KATYA:salzer. Never mind the “transitions between amalgamations”, what about actually learning to dance? In previous editions of Strictly the cricketers all managed it, couple of rugby chaps went very far, runners and swimmers have given it a go, but Katya’s really struggling here. Her choreography reminds me of a small determined tug trying to pull the Ark Royal up the Thames estuary. Dan’s somersault is a long way off the back flips that Matt and Tom used to pull off so effortlessly. As Craig’s latest addition to the Oxford English Dictionary has it: “lumpestuous”. No use relying on tower crane hoists of your little partner, Dan, you gotta go find some balls for your two left feet . A generous 21.

6.LULU & BRENDAN: foxy foxy. Brendan’s clever stratagem: bring a large mirror from dance studio into competition hall to remind Lulu that she’s not heading the bill at Glastonbury, and superglue her to your side for dance purposes. The odd practice hold enables a number of foxtrot steps such as pivots and standing spins to be executed to Craig’s satisfaction and (as the sharp-eyed Alesha noticed) the lady sang only a little. As the sequence finishes Brendan unclenches his manly jaw, and, after hearing some kind notes from the judges, burns off excess energy with a somersault up into the Tessanine. Score much improved to 25!!

7.HOLLY & ARTEM: salsa: What is up with this lady? Why doesn’t she look at Artem? Is his upper torso too much competition for hers? She dances a tricky routine with all the decorum of a 12-year old in front of a parlour-full of great-aunts. Our visitors are baffled and the Second Engineer gives up translating once Len likens Artem’s dives through her legs to a mechanic checking for oil leaks. The First Engineer works it out: Holly has too much respect for Artem and is scared of letting last year’s winner down. Silly girl. Let’s see if in next week’s ballroom she can fantasise that she’s in the arms of the divine Ian (may he live forever!). For sheer technique: 30

The rehabilitated Otto is being wheeled back onto the bridge and is being promised his own i-player to look at the repeats. Three tentacles shoot out to scoop up bottles of bubbly to refill his tank - for medicinal purposes, obviously.

8. RORY & ERIN: something: A willowy blonde comes onto the floor looking gorgeous in silver bikini top and flowing nether garments, and nobody on our bridge has eyes for anything else. An Invisible Man is apparently hovering in the vicinity, but unless he stops doing impressions and starts doing dance steps that actually show up on screen, he’ll stay invisible........look, the red-blooded Sean Connery would actually have gone for the shimmies, particularly with his James Bond background and his penchant for Bond girls, not all of them as beautiful as Miss Boag. We cannot miss Len’s sotto voce remark to Craig clutching his 4 paddle: ‘ang abah’t, at least our Craig is scoring what he sees. Erin has earned all the points this evening – 22:

9.ROBBIE & OLA: foxtrot. Is it Fred Astaire? Is it Gene Kelly? No, it’s an Umbrella Behaving Beautifully, ushering Robbie through an opening that totally makes up for last week. Ola’s hairdo far more sedate than her costume, as our Second Engineer notes with glistening eyes, and she’s actually looking happy. And so it should be. The Man with the Piano Teeth Smile (Len) is dancing gracefully, leading his partner around the floor – at the end a clever umbrella recovery, almost like taking a corner, and both arrive home and dry in perfect agreement with the music. A deserved standing ovation. Judges delighted with the showmanship and transformation. Mark up 8 from last week, jubilation in the Tessanine, to 29

10.ANITA & ROBIN: salsa: The resounding thump our end is our sensitive First Officer landing senseless on the floor, out cold with shock. Why handicap such a gracious lady with Positively the Ugliest Costume Ever? Puce is a colour between salmon pink and orange, but no need to spell it out in yellow and pink with white on black spots, like a bad fungus attack. Bravely they smile, courageously they perform and only one noticeable mistake for the judges to crow about. Anita’s leg action is not the prettiest or the sharpest, but her smile and performance never waver. A motion is put forward by our visitors to swing the vote so that this couple can come back next week in wearable costumes. Seconded, thirded, and drownded in more bubbly. This lass is popular with us and luckily with the judges too. 28:

11.JASON & KRISTINA: fox trot goes to Hollywood: Now at the business end of the evening we witness another change of heart of our brilliant but fickle First Officer. That curtain, that knee – a collective groan of anticipation from the bridge, the males slavering, the females polishing their teeth and claws – and we are in for a fabulous Gene Kelly and Cyd Charisse routine (that’s Fred and Ginger with edge and panache), gloriously performed by Jason and his governess Kristina vamped up in red. Full of steps, turns, movement, attitude – the lot. This is how you use props, folks; this is how you pace your routine, this is how you bind the music to your theme. One tiny detail, Kristina– next time take off Jason’s neck brace before going on stage, source of lost marks. A great deal of noise on the bridge – someone’s produced a balalaika and everybody’s dancing. A measly 33.Should have been 50, make that 60.

So, how do you follow that?
With Bruce murdering several jokes and a boa.It stings him on the behind as it dies. The poison is very slow-working but deadly – there will be no jokes next week.

Then next up are:
12.NANCY & ANTON: summat’s up: The lady starts off camera by cracking Craig’s and Len’s heads together ( even more persuasive than Audley’s 86 inch reach). Then she take a short-cut across the judges’ bench, giving Len plenty of time for a look-see underneath her yellow-banded tutu (which Nancy claims later is worth an extra 2 marks), and jumps into – no, is hauled off in - Anton’s arms. What follows is an arm-wrestling contest with Anton’s snazzy black-sequinned jacket, interspersed with graceful balletic leg swoops – from him, not her. Is it comedy? Is it tragi-comedy? The most painful sit-com ever? Or is it Mock the Week? Alesha can’t decide. It is certainly Anton’s cheekiest Latin ever – and maybe Nancy’s last, if Otto has anything to do with it. He’s off to the bottom of his tank now to work out how to hack into the public voting system to bend it to his command to not vote – no use telling him this is undemocratic and against all the rules and splits an infinitive: he’s an octopus. An ominous 14 points

13.HARRY & ALIONA: foxtrot: We collectively need a brainwash to reset our attitudes, and we get a lot of very smooth moves with graceful arms and hands from these two that earn them a standing ovation (basically, exhibition of relief that we are still in a dance competition). The lovely Aliona has over-modernised the dance steps, however, so the trot insufficiently foxy to please our pickier judges, who all want more toes, more feet, more posture, more chin-ups from the lovely Harry, who is used to unreasonable demands from screaming fans, so we won’t get more ego. Amazingly nice chap, and several of our female visitors have oozed their way into my captain’s chair. The cheek! A not bad 27.

The bubbly’s finished, but someone has mentioned the magical name of the Lady with Piano Teeth, and everybody’s standing to attention on the bridge to toot her in with the respect this diminutive lady deserves.

14.RUSSELL & FLAVIA: abbasalsa: This time His Rotundity is wearing a proper salsa costume, and is partnering Flavia in a recognisable disco salsa to the tune of “Dancing Queen”, which will probably be his moniker for the rest of the series. The choreography’s there, the feet are working their socks off, all other movable body parts are moving excitedly and mostly in time to the music, a, perfectly timed and executed boa reference moment, and everybody is having a ball!! My colleagues and I hope that this couple will not always be destined to dance last each evening, but be seen not as Sir Anne 2011 but as a performer in his own right. As with other rotund competitors before him, Russell could turn in a seriously good waltz and he has the stage presence to dance a good rumba without needing to send it up. Flavia’s happier this year, so that’s another plus. A fun-filled 25.

With the dancing finished, where does this leave us with the judges’ scoring?

On the combined leader board, Jason & Kristina are clear top runners while Nancy & Anton are mopping up at the bottom. But tradition has it that the Great British Voting Public (GBGVP) will not automatically put the bottom scoring couple out so early on in the competition – there is still a popularity poll element – which gives at least 6 other couples to get worried about.

The First Officer and Second Engineer are too drunk to manage calculators now and are betting on how long broken balalaikas will burn if dropped on the surface of planet Venus. The party’s over, our visitors gone giggly and chasséeing back to their own spacecraft. The next shift can clear up.
First Officer is now off to tear down all the Tessapix in his cabin and construct hologram of Kristina in her red vamp gown as his wakeup alarm. He never was good with a broom anyway.

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Thanks, Dorabella14. An excellent summing up of last night's varied performances. I hope Otto's tentacles haven't suffered too much after Chelsee's armography. I was impressed with Robbie's and Alex's improvements but despair of ever seeing Edwina or Nancy dance properly. Seems to me both are too fond ot the sound of their own voice to listen and learn from their pro partners.

Looking forward to next week now.

Harriet, the spare onboard computer controlling the deep space drive of our vessel, the Space Ship SALTANDO, was complaining of not having much to do when we are passing so close to the third rock from the Sun. We have a to do list as long as 3 light years (aha!) and a visit from the inspectors next week, interfering ........(oh, yeah, we knew, Harriet, you're so hackable).

So we gave Harriet the task of watching the Sunday results show and reporting back to bridge.

The only good dancing was the opening sequence with the pro dancers and the robotic music - Harriet's still humming it, (plays havoc with the coordinates for Otto's day job).

We got 100 possible reasons why the Strictly producer wastes time and money on silly "fun" videos that should have ended up on the cutting room floor. After removing 2600 swearwords and politically incorrect expressions (our H has an extensive vocabulary) we let Harriet post her letter of protest to Points of View.

We got 3 curt reasons why Edwina didn't make it further than round 1:
1.too much lip activity,
2.not enough hip activity, and
3.the Society for the Rescue of Vincent was on overtime.

He's needed to keep the queues of Saturday audiences sweet as they stand and wait while unknown celebrities get wafted through on a wing, a prayer and the promise of a glimpse of His Royal Craiginess.

Sorry, Vincent, we liked you. But you can't have a Rachel every year - not fair on the others.

Nothing for last week, Dorabella? Was the space ship in an alternative orbit? How did Otto cope with Holly's costume last week?

Hi, something ghastly called "work" got in the way, so I didn't even view my recording of the results show to top off what I'd written on the Sunday - until Thursday - then I wondered why I'd bothered.
The results show is so far removed from the Sat night fever sort of atmosphere of the Sat show. It's all about the pro dances (great), the naff guest singer (cannot stand La Boyle - no signing technique whatsoever, and she was flat on her top notes, no support) and I intensely dislike the way the results are presented.

SO will go back to recording Otto's reactions to the Sat night show only and leave it at that.

Last week's piece will be put upnow - sorry not time to go back and research the missing music titles and will have to record tonight's show. But tomorrow will put up something. Funny - taking notes actually makes the show more interesting - you look out for the high notes, and only write about what's memorable.

The space crew are due to get into trouble very soon due to Otto's turn at the controls for scooping up space junk. He goes too close to a very important man-man artefact orbiting Planet Earth ..........(probably while still thinking of Holly)

(bit late - sorry, on Mars time)


Only the crème de la crème, like the Roving Ambassadors (rock group) of Arcturus, are allowed onto the bridge tonight. And Otto, of course, sitting in top of his tank in chastened mode, having received counselling all week with regard to the changing colours of Chelsee’s flowing locks.

There have been so many ridiculous trailers for this show that one wonders how far Strictly has slid down the rubbish escape chute. However, all fingers and tentacles crossed, we shall see. We like the curtain detail ion the TV graphics – the studio audience just gets extra lighting and rhinestone studs.
Great pro broadway dance to open the show: smart costumes, smart props, smart canes and black hats, smart – oh no, what’s that waiting horde doing up on the steps? Yes, we have to have the comedy element: down come the celebs join the pros and hats and choreography go haywire; stage looks like commuters on a bendy bus.

First noticeable improvement thereafter is the Tessdress – long, slinky, vampish, black with a severe lack of legroom for the male presenter’s weekly knee grab.( May this trend continue.) Her hairstyle appears to be unfinished, however: either she’s just removed a bike helmet or it’s a work in progress designed by Tracy Ermin as a future exihibit for the Tate. Hmmmm. Our First Officer shakes his head gloomily, but brightens up later on viewing Alesha, a vision in gold. Rolls-Royce eye candy.His evening is made.

Opening act is HOLLY & ARTEM performing a Tango to Velma’s famous number in Chicago. Roars of approval for That Seethrough Costume and Velma Wig from the bridge, especially from the visitors, but can she live up to it? The First Engineer about to brief Otto on the meaning of bondage, but then the cage dance starts. All is good from the knees up, while in hold Terminator Artem prevents all mistakes, but the lady still doesn’t understand that from the knees down all movements have to be razor sharp. Heelgate was missed by all male eyes, for obvious reasons. Judges happy with a decent not-naff start; Craig wants more tension but Alesha pins it: Holly needs to be more feisty. First standing ovation and score of 30.

DAN & KATYA follow with a Viennese waltz. Dan dressed up to nines but Katya’s dress looking somewhat unfinished at the back – did they run out of material?. General choreography and dancing OK , adequate for second week, but full of hiatus, or as Alesha puts it: “a bit stoppy-starty” backed by Craig. Bruno not keen either, so Len piles on the compliments, coming to “praise Dan, not to bury him”, but the praise is faint. Score = 24

ANITA & ROBIN, jiving to Hairspray, soon abandon their oversize props and deliver the most frenetic, energetic jive that has ever been danced by any one over 50 on this show. Anita is brilliant from the ankles up, but her purple shoes look difficult to dance in, so no pointed toes in flicks or kicks – this will lose her marks. However, we haven’t seen this degree of energy and psazz since Austin & Erin or Jill & Darren. Judges love the performance level, but drop hints on further work on Anita’s technique. 27.

ALEX & JAMES enchant us with a Viennes waltz to “Memories” from Cats. How do you do justice to an incredibly well-known tune? By dancing a simple routine with grace, elegance, emotion and impeccable timing. James really knows his stuff and is slowly turning his duckling into a swan. Standing ovation from audience, misty eyes at judges’ desk and here on the bridge, even our rock visitors are choked. General “ah” all round, turning to spitting fury as Bruce ruins the atmosphere with an extraordinarily unnecessary joke about a previous contestant from last year. We’re beaming Otto down to throttle him. The judges, made of sterner stuff, ignore the stupid presenter, shower Alex with compliments and send her upstairs with a well-deserved 31.

RORY & ERIN make up for last week with an über performance of a quickstep to a tune from Top Hat. Costumes right, hat and cane fine, (Lionel Blair looking on like a doting fairy godmother), and Rory nails it for everyone except Craig, who damns the technique, finds nice words about the performance and permits an overall score of 31.
It should be noted that any score over 30 this early on in the competition is normally unusual.

Then come LULU & BRENDAN with a rumba to Phantom of the Opera. This could be naff, this could be ...... oh joy, they are dancing properly, Lulu’s learned her steps, her eyes are almost ready to leave the floor and it’s a great dance to watch, with good lines and great interpretation of the story. Bruno amazed at Lulu’s ability to play the ingenue, Alesha laying it on with a trowel to Lulu that she is elegant, and – oh, well, we had better discuss That Lift, hadn’t we. In fact it happened in the middle of the routine and went very well with the music, as Brendan argues and Len agrees. Bothersome Craig chooses this moment to Apply the Rules, (purposefully forgetting that Anton’s dances are 50% lifts) so we get the usual chorus of booing and judges eyeing each other. However, this couple still run upstairs with a reasonable 26, and Brendan cannot stop grinning.

And now the comic interlude: NANCY & ANTON tangoing with la marionetta in proper tango costume, looking great in red, with eyelashes long enough to sweep the floor. This feisty Italian diva wins her bout with the ageing male presenter over his obviously unfunny jokes about her then launches into her routine with Anton tagging along gamely. General consensus on the bridge is that Nancy can dance as long as her feet don’t touch the floor, so where does this leave us in a ballroom dancing competition? Bruno and Alesha acknowledge that she has improved, while Len (“all the tension of a cold sponge”) and Craig (“like a plodding mlule trudging through mud”) chuck buckets of cold water on the proceedings. Judges still arguing as the couple defiantly march upstairs to receive a measly 20. Otto wants to award them 10 for Nancy’s bout with Brucie.

AUDLEY & NATALIE bring a bit of decorum to the show with their quickstep from Kiss Me Kate. Now this is fast, this is really fast – this world champ’s feet still flat, but a lot of floor gets covered, and he is obviously enjoying himself. Judges love the verve, the style, the performance, the intention and Bruno shuts everybody up about the size of the gentleman’s feet. Large as surf boards they may be, but he knows how to manage them. Up in the Tessanine, Audley admits that with all the training he is nearly back to his fighting weight. A respectable score of 24.

ROBBIE & OLA in a clinch in a tango. This ‘dirty footballer’ is showing up as a girlie in all the VTs; why complain about the dancing, laddie? asks our Second Engineer suddenly. Is football so very easy? Ola is still the star of this couple with good choreography, good work with a chair, great lines and determination, leading her man all the way round the room. If he’s not careful, Robbie will end up with pink leggings and an alice band in his hair. But the audience must all have leg cramp, so willing are they to give standing ovations. The judges kindly praise his attack and aggression. Ola’s squeal with the score of 30 was recognised by our Third Officer, who comes from the planet Sqrl, as a war cry of the second degree. Ola is working towards her hat trick.

And now, RUSSELL & FLAVIA with a foxtrot from (I think)Top Hat. Will this be a comic turn behind the twirling umbrella? Nope! We are in for a straight up routine, albeit danced by an ice cream cone and his golden wafer lady. The steps are there, the routine is together, almost perfect until a white hat misbehaves at the end, but Russell is brimming with fun and bonhomie, and Flavia’s smile could not be wider. Alesha praises him for being such a positive contestant (ie no grumbling), judges enjoyed the routine. Craig pertly asks Russell to be a bit less camp, whereupon this seasoned entertainer shoots back a quip sharp as a dart. He’s not really a “little white cloud drifting across the floor”, he’s a tough cookie, Len. Satisfactory score, still climbing, 28.

JASON & KRISTINA come on to shine in a Tango to Jason’s home ground show Priscilla. Now, ladies and gents, this is how you dance a tango – sharp, powerful, dramatic, and four feathery fans to remind you that both of you are huge Aussie males in drag. Standing ovation with long applause. Kristina already in heaven, all shades of John and Joe banished to Hades. She is dancing her (virtual) socks off with a partner described by Len as the midwife “you keep delivering”, and Craig cheers up with a Stew-Penn-Dus. Full house of 9s makes 36. Unbeatable. And, as the First Officer observes, they are both very nice about this.

A difficult act to follow, but CHELSEE & PASHA give a cha cha cha a lot of welly. Otto writhes around his bubbly-filled tank in pleasure as his favourite, (no longer illegally blonde but now more natural colour in her curly locks) shows how a celeb dance beginner can dance the cha cha cha with lots of verve and sharp steps. She’s beginning to look like an equal partner with Pasha, less a pupil with her dancing master. After a standing ovation, the judges are happy with Chelsee’s energy, praise her performance, score her well but criticise the haphazardness of her technique, alternating from ooh-la-la to oopsie daisy. (Pasha’s fault for not noticing and correcting the details?) This could be another Rachel case – when the judges keep pushing and pushing until the lady delivers hidden star quality.

Rounding off the show come HARRY & ALIONA with a jive from Grease. Good car at the beginnging to leap out of, and the whole routine a frenetic piece of disco dancing with the odd token jive steps (well executed) thrown in. Standing ovation. Costumes faultless, but Aliona allows Harry too many ‘Austin’ moments with baring his chest etc meaning that her choreography will once again get onto the wick of judge Len. Provoking Craig to gush “Harry, you have finally arrived!” Score of 33 –makes them second from top in leader board.

General scram for drinks and food. Screams of disappointment from the visitors as they discover that Otto has, as usual, cleared the sideboard of bubbly and the tastiest vol-au-vents. Case of plum brandy appear to compensate this loss. General agreement that the broadway theme has improved the show by encouraging the celebs to get rid of nerves and generally let their hair down. Heated discussion on who is likely to be voted out, though all our favourites appear to be safe.

Thank you, Dorabella. Wonderful summing up of last week although I an surprised that Otto managed to keep his tentacles untangled when he saw Chelsee. Seems like JfW is following this too.

After tonight's result Otto has become unbearable. Some idiot gave him a vuvuzela and he won't shut up. Having to lock him up in spare escape pod so that we can get some shuteye.

Have you tried a dummy or a baby-bottle in his tank filled with whisky ? He might sleep better them....

Thankyou Dorabella. Looking forward to your take on last nights show.

Everything ready on the bridge for another evening of Strictly, with a special force field surrounding the buffet to prevent Otto, our resident greedy octopus, from pinching all the bottles of bubbly and tastier nibbles. First Officer has spent all week mesmerised by Holly’s Velma costume – hoping for more gothic this week , but we keep telling him he’s too early for Halloween.

The first odd note of the evening is the Tessdress – has someone tried to sabotage this slinky purple number backstage by swiping it with a floor cloth steeped in black paint? She doesn’t seem to care, cheerfully announcing that 12 remaining couples are about to hit the Famous Flaw – or is that Floor?

JASON & KRISTINA open the proceedings with a Paso Doble where Kristina in a gorgeous costume sets out to bury all haunting memories of the John Sergeant paso in a deep ravine. Jason hangs in there – keeping up with a fast and slick routine – but all eyes are on Kristina playing the matador role to exorcise her personal demons. This time the judges stick their pins into our competition favourites: Len is fixated on firm buttocks while Bruno claims our laddie did not dance in time. Shock, horror, with score under 30! But Kristina’s eyes reveal that demons are duly banished. 27? So what? They’ll get 47 next time!! These two will make the finals, or my name is not Captain Dora Bell.

Next up come ALEX & JAMES in a rum sort of rumba where all the romance is provided by James and the lady’s sexy costume (who else could get away with the cleavage and the black lace leggings? First Mate and Third Engineer hugging each other in befuddled exstasy). The lady herself executes a knee- and step-perfect performance that perfectly suits the before 9 pm watershed time slot. X-factor is safe. The audience love it and give it a standing ovation, but the judges want more - performance, verve, sex, whatever. Third Engineer suggests Craig’s eyes need testing for scoring a 4. Disappointing score of 25.

Now a cha cha cha from RORY & ERIN which rapidly turns into a ha ha ha. Rory really hasn’t got the idea that all he has to do is dance the steps given him, preferably in time with the music, also move his hips, not gurn them, and leave the rest to Erin and his tinselled black costume. But he doesn’t – he adds his little bit and the routine goes haywire into a kind of Monet impressionist cover-the-floor sort of event. Judges amused rather than impressed, Alesha likes the fact that he works hard, but Craig has hung onto his 4 paddle , pulling the generous scores of the others down to 24.

On come AUDLEY & NATALIE for a foxtrot, for which we have high hopes. This gentle giant is good in hold, stands up well, leads his lady about in a nice sort of way, but is required to stop a lot while the lady produces a lot of twirls and spins – yes, the dress is pretty, but dear, we would like to see more dancing from the gentleman next to you, who has already proved himself in ballroom. With all the spins the fastening of her halter neck costume comes adrift but another costumegate is adroitly avoided. All judges happy with Audley’s progress in technique; they call for a screwdriver to loosen his fixed grin. For heaven’s sake, at this stage of the competition it’s amazing to get the gents to stop scowling for 2 secs! But the score is still up from last week at 25.

It has dawned upon us all that the euphoria of the Broadway atmosphere of the previous week has evaporated, and we are back to Strictly doing Strictly, particularly Craig. Third Engineer is wiring up a taser for him.

And now – oh well, time for NANCY & ANTON, or should this be N.A.N.C.Y. and (anton)? We are unanimous here that no celeb, not even Anne Widdecombe, has ever shown such contempt for her pro partner as this spoilt signora. The black costumes and mascara look fine, the music is the evocative Rodrigo guitar concerto which deserves a better performance than it gets. Anton does his best with this sow’s ear, which is never going to make even the polyester purse grade. But the fact that this diva takes herself so seriously creates another Tommy Cooper comedy moment, ending delightfully, after some more illegal lifts (which only Craig notices) with Anton about to tip his partner head first into a post bag. Our Second and Third Engineers are muttering in a corner – what are they up to? Up in the Tessanine after the non-plussed judges fork out a score of 18, this becomes obvious: the expected band with the voting telephone number does not appear on screen, despite Anton’s pleading. Oh you naughty engineers, you naughty boys ... but I like you!

And now, will the Curse of the Samba strike again for Brendan as LULU & BRENDAN hit the floor? Nope, not if this little lady has her way. Look at dem samba hips and feet, man – nicely done mirror routine - steps so simple they cannot be forgotten. Otto has all 11 tentacles jiggling happily. Lulu is trying really hard – watch her counting!! She does not, repeat not, want to go out at this stage, having discovered that Brendan is capable of dishing out compliments. She’s gonna banish that curse (Brendan normally exiting with this dance) with witchcraft of her own. The judges are OK with that and see no reason not to give a score of 25. All fingers and tentacles crossed she’ll stay in.

Deep masculine groans greet HOLLY & ARTEM’s appearance, but no, a transparent black bondage skirtless costume will Not Do for a Viennese waltz, despite the evocative poles, er lampposts on the stage and padded seat provided for Start and Finish. Obviously someone has said they suffer from vertigo or spin allergy syndrome, because remarkably little of this dance, twirly and graceful as it is, is in proper waltz hold: which gets so much on Len’s wick that he gets tied up in an Arlenegate sound bite moment with poles and Poles, mercifully buried in general fluffiness. However, Alesha maintains that the two of them have danced gracefully, elegantly and composed, so they get away with a score of 30.

Before CHELSEE & PASHA take to the floor, we have Otto well under control, under stern command not to sweep forward and hog the vidscreen. But before the dance is halfway through, we are all up on our feet and tentacles, cheering like a footie crowd. This pocket rocket, wielding a lethal pony tail, learns her routines in 5 minutes flat, buzzes round the floor matching Pasha’s long strides, golden tootsies flashing in time with the music, quick whoosh up and down stairs to add another dimension, and the dance finish nailed with über-perfect timing with the music. Standing ovation richly deserved. Craig, stunned, can only stutter “First Class” while the other judges grin like Cheshire cats. Alesha’s comment “It ended too soon” meets with cheers from us as we try to extricate ourselves from Otto’s group hug, and then Craig stuns us with a 9 and the score goes to 36. Another group hug from Otto, now on cloud 9, - as far as he’s concerned, the show’s already over.

And now, for something entirely different. HARRY & ALIONA produce a fine dance in 3 / 4 time which starts off as a waltz, with good posture and footwork, then develops into an escapade up some stairs, a stolen kiss and various other bits of faffing about, up with which Len will not put. He insists he would have given a 10, but but but…judges dispute. Craig actually likes it and Bruno quite pleased with Harry’s performance. Alesha sensibly points out that Harry has no choice but to do the choreography he is given, and he has done it justly. Remembering what Len has just said, she defiantly gives Harry a 10, (which is going to nark a lot of people as there’s a weird tradition that the 10 score cannot be given out before the semi-finals and she is “not allowed” to be first to give it – bosh to that) as against 8 from Len and Craig and 9 from Bruno. Score is 35, which does not beat Chelsee and Pasha, so Otto stays triumphant. (No, someone, get that trumpet away from him, now!!)

Time we all cooled down, and plenty of opportunity to do this with ANITA & ROBIN’s American Smooth. Promising start with 1940s billboard prop, and all male eyes fixed hopefully on the infinity symbol boldly stitched in blue across the lady’s bosom, soon hidden as much of the dance is safely in hold. It’s graceful, and we get some lifts and moves, but the blazing white smile cannot hide the fact that her knees are always parsecs apart, and there is little body contact. The judges decide to be generous with a round of 8s, probably responding to the subliminal blue bosom symbol hint. 32? The jaw that drops the furthest is Anita’s. She really cannot believe it.

This is perfect timing for a cheerful jive from ROBBIE & OLA, as this lady can normally be relied upon to wear a costume with less material in it than anyone else on deck, er, on stage, and so she does. We are in for another Grease moment. Strangely, the timing looks almost stately, as it’s much slower than Anita’s jive of last week. Robbie gives it about 146%, especially 199% with headflicks, so the audience respond with a standing ovation. Bruno, after mocking the head shaking, likes the energy with Len and Alesha, but our Craig, back in the stirrups, rules that this has been “ploddy, kicks and flicks sloppy” before admitting that performance-wise, Robbie had “gone for it”. His 5 paddle pulls the score down to 27, but Third Officer, a statistical whiz kid, states that this is not dangerous. Goldilocks will return, he says.

And now, to close the show, we have RUSSELL & FLAVIA with a goodnight tango to Eurhythmics “Sweet dreams”. Initial wince at large bed with Dreamworks crescent moon and teddy bear. Is any actual dancing planned here? Yes indeed, Flavia has trained her man well, and we overcome the naff props with lots of sharp tango, good head and footwork, the gentleman is (mostly) leading, although his facial expression would belie this fact, before the naff ending with cuddly toy. Of course all the story telling has to be explained to Len, who is allergic to anything airy fairy. Alesha tells Russell that he’s “too nice to tango”, Bruno nails the storyline (“from sleeping beauty to night terrors”) to Russell’s huge delight while Craig, still wanting more machismo, has dug out the wrong paddle again. A score of 24 is mingy and stingy, considering that this routine had more steps in it than the routines of a couple of other couples tonight. Uproarious laughter in the Tessanine – this couple’s not worried – they’re having a ball.

Oh no, who gave Otto that vuvuzela? He’s off, celebrating Chelsee’s success and seeing her already crowned as Princess of Disneyland. That ghastly row is going to keep us up all night unless somebody gets it off him. But looking on the brighter side, at least we still have all the bubbly and vol-au-vents.

‘Night all.

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Thank you, Dorabella. Another excellent review of the show. I for one am very grateful that you have stepped into the opening created by the sad departure of JfW and you're doing a sterling job (Otto nothwithstanding!). I do hope he doesn't swallow the vuvuzela!!!!

Second Engineer moved Otto's tank to an escape pod and tipped Otto into it, imitating Anton's finish with Nancy. Otto swimming upside down today.

I bet he still isn't as dizzy as she is!!!!

Loving your review Dorabella
Hope Otto soon regains his upright status
Will he be plotting revenge against the second engineer?