I love Otto. Great review.

Lovely!! A worthy successor to JfW!


JJ

Another superb summing up of Saturday's show. I hope you can get the vuvuzela off Otto as the thought of an octopus with one is mind blowing. Even more mind blowing than the thought of N.A.N.C.Y doing a paso doble. Will she end up upside down once again? Will anyone comment on the illegal lifts? Will she survive another week?

Our spaceship SS SALTANDO has had to take on extra supplies to cope with all the visiting crews, so-called “inspectors” and other usual suspects who drop in on Earth Saturday nights during “Strictly” season. We don’t mind a bit. Our Stores officer resolves the budget problem by demanding outrageous door fees, payable in useful commodities like Beluga caviar and champagne:– no “donation”, no place in front of a vid screen, even those in the plusgrav corridors where there is seating on walls and ceilings only. For the last two days we have been running training videos 24/7 to brief everyone on the reasons why Halloween Shows require the Uglification of the contestants, evidenced in horrid costumes and ghastly makeup, while the dance techniques must remain tenderly brilliant. An oxymoron that. First Officer is walking round with a banner saying Save Our Beloved Tess from Uglification (SOBTU). Otto has decorated his tank with hypnotised starfish. Let the revelries begin.

Aha – Big Pumpkin – someone tolls a doleful doorbell, 4 judges snap their fingers and off we go with an Adams Family special. All rather hectic because the celebs have joined in too - but this is an opportunity to show what make-up and costumes can do, particularly to ... to.. well, we are guessing who’s who, ....wow, is that Nosferatu really our Jason? Cor. Otto reacts angrily to Chelsee’s ugly makeup and hairundo, so we threaten him with a rerun of the briefing video.

A triumphant yell from the First Officer and supporters as a glamorous Tess, clothèd in long clinging black sequinny vamp number with governess hairdo and earrings the size of Otto’s baby grand-nieces, repels the advances of the male presenter, who gets angry because he’s not allowed a lascivious knee grab. Nope, wised up after 8 previous series, Madame Tess danceth not, she presenteth, sensible lady. We take advantage of the stultifyingly laborious joke routine to tie the ecstatic First Officer firmly down with ropes in order to be able to see the rest of the show in peace. We have a double entrance from Judge Craig flying down on a broomstick. Maybe we’ll understand why later.

Opening the show come RUSSELL & FLAVIA with a samba. Flavia’s slinky cat suit (with tail), showing off her figure to perfection, is greeted with applause and Russell, mercifully in red not white, is fully into his red devil mood. Surprisingly light on his feet, and with an awful lot of armography and a quite respectable samba walk, he executes a pukka samba routine. Really, Bruno, there’s no need for you to go and say that some steps have been messed up or omitted. As long as the dance starts and finishes in time with the music, who cares,? Len doesn’t. Alesha with her comfort blanket doesn’t. Craig likes the double bounce action, but is not letting Russell get away with owt else. A score of 22 is shrugged off up in the Tessanine – everybody’s determined to have a good time.

Next up come CHELSEE & PASHA with a tango – Pasha has fun (and looks good) at a lab bench plus glit into cauldron to brew up an utterly unrecognisable saucy witch and a really top-notch tango, full of sharp twists and turns, and those funny little body shakes that please the cognoscenti so much. But what’s this? Two–thirds of the way through, the little lady’s face falls in dismay as she clutches her costume front. Please, please, no, not another wardrobe malfunction! But the dancing doesn’t stop, Pasha has her quickly back in hold and there is no further clue until right at the end of the dance, when she dares not let go, but has to, in order to finish off the dance. Then come the tears.

Surely the costume dept has learned by now that there can be no Janice Jackson moments in a family show!! All costumes, even the subcontracted ones, have to be 100% wriggle-proof and all inner scaffolding and buttressing absolutely rock solid. Alesha leaps in, all guns and eyes blazing, to reassure the tearful diva that she avoided all disaster magnificently, danced brilliantly, and that this partnership is working. The other judges also sympathetic, but nothing they say, not even Bruno’s “wicked little dancer” or Craig’s “feisty, fiery, everything we expected” can cheer her up. Alesha’s highly empathetic 9 helps the score to 32. A lot of encouragement up there in the Tessanine.

Broken-hearted at Chelsee’s distress, Otto has collapsed into a heap of gloomy despondency, so is being rushed off to the sick bay. The rudely awakened starfish have asked to go along too, to massage life into his drooping tentacles. We have asked for regular updates.

Blinking back the tears, our faces are pulled over to the vidscreens at the prospect of AUDLEY & NATALIE about to jive to a song from the “Little Shop of Horrors”. What are you doing, Natalie? Why allow ballroom Audley to dance a jive when even the Encyclopedia Britannica agrees that large men cannot jive? Well, this is the OZ-US Hell-We’ll-Have-A–Go philosophy – and, by Jiminy, it works! Audley, grinning hugely, has himself a ball, “playing” riffs at a piano while Nat, dressed up as a fruit bowl, provides the fireworks. From his knees up, they are both jiving, from his knees down, well maybe boxers are physiologically indisposed to pointing their feet, so Audley kicks a few rugby drop shots instead. Three of the judges agree that the jive could never suit this man, but admire his verve and gallantry, while Len soberly points out that Audley did not put a put a foot wrong, and the dance had both good rhythm and good timing. The overall score of 20 belies the entertainment factor, which was huge. Audley can’t stop playing to the camera – well, that gets our votes. We want him back next week.

Now for a romantic interlude with ALEX & JAMES and a Paso Doble. Well, we know it’s Alex, but James is unrecognisable (but very red-eyed and hideous in a good way) as Count Dracula having a go at a white-clad virgin who’s sewn some slicing irons into the hems of her frock as a secret weapon. This is a declaration of War against catty tabloid columnists and Craig’s cutting remarks (“cold, sexless”) of the previous week. The Paso Dobles pretty well, the virgin puts up a fight and at the end stakes her attacker so they both fall down dead, which causes the audience to clap like crazy and Alex’s smile gets as broad as Audley’s. Craig starts off by manfully eating his words of the previous week: this was an “antithesis” (a word too difficult for Bruce to butt in and comment on) and “almost erotic” (James does a double-take).Len has totally misunderstood the “frock wafting” but praises Alex’s new-found confidence, as does Alesha, who remarks a “breakthrough” to the next level, while Bruno likes the new fluidity in their dancing. Good score of 31 – James is happy.

And now, after a heinously stupid VT intro, come HOLLY & ARTEM dressed as black and white swans. Wot? An American Smooth to Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake” on Strictly? Never! Oh yes!! And from the first bars of music, we are all mesmerised into hushed admiration. This is ballet, no, this is showdancing, this is - whatever - this is absolutely beautiful. Holly’s arm movements are truly balletic, her weird black feathery “wing” navigated without mishap through fluid dance movements, the lines and shapes are exquisite and the multispinning lift is spectacular. For once the lady is dancing wholeheartedly with Artem. However, not all her leg movements are as graceful as a ballerina’s: how could they be, with her feet encased in heeled shoes rather than ballet pumps? Still, after a highly technical rumba-like finish, the audience’s lengthy standing ovation is richly deserved.

This will be one of the classic or even legendary Strictly dances, to be remembered and replayed again and again. Clever clever Artem. The score is good – 35 – but could have been higher, as the Third Engineer shyly whispers to me, if Holly could only let go of her self-awareness and put herself entirely into her partner’s hands.

At this juncture there is a deserved round of applause for the orchestra’s excellent playing, then we slide, as I suppose the BBC meant us to, from the sublime to the ridiculous. Oh well, for the studio audience at least there would have been a break.

It’s time for the comedy turn, a rumba from NANCY & ANTON, though this time Anton has wisely taken a break and substituted his great-grandfather. For once the VT is relevant, to help us understand the diva’s aversion to coffins unless covered by crystals. On the stage there it is, duly resplendent (another dent in the props budget), but well worth it to see Nancy Triumphant, swinging open the lid, swigging down a goblet of plasma product, and emerging from said coffin like a pensioner from a bathtub. The white spider-webbed costume is very good and rumbary, and the pale pink lipstick is definitely scary, but that is when the dancing ends. After a bit of wriggly solo what-ho to the camera from the lady (during which a black feather boa makes a desperate bid for freedom), Anton’s ancestor, dunked in whitewash, dressed in white with some sparkly silver trews from 1960s Carnaby Street, emerges from the dry ice, grabs her shoulders and makes a valiant attempt to intimate to the lady that they are supposed to be dancing together. She’s having none of that, so he turns her upside down until she agrees to comply fully with section 13.c (iv) of her Strictly contract. This results in a few more steps before she dumps him summarily in the coffin, sits on the lid and auditions for Basic Instincts. Yes, Nancy, we know you have good legs, dear. It’s a pity you don’t know how to use them.

The judges are scathing. Alesha (3) maintains that Nancy is a “walking disaster” with legs so far apart it’s unfeminine, and has a go at Anton for the ungainly lift; for her they should both have stayed in the coffin. Bruno (4) has a go at Nancy for not listening to the music in order to move in time with it; Craig (2) pronounces it a “dance horribilis” and disliked the sarcophagus, and pleads with Anton to change the boring same old lift. For some reason known only to himself (and maybe the BBC barman) Len detects that some rumba steps have been danced, there have been “moments of Mills& Boone as well as Meals on Wheels” and scores a generous 5 to the astonishment of the others, who fear another Widdygate. The total is 14 – falling way below that the others have or are likely to achieve. Up in the Tessanine, Nancy is not perturbed. So she let another boa loose? Is that a problem? Anton’s great granddad takes advantage to play up to the camera – he won’t be allowed back, that’s for sure – surely, you voting viewers, haven’t we all had enough now?

Let us turn our minds to greater things. Oh, and now he’s quiet, would someone please release the First Officer from his bonds and give him the scrabble set.

Whoopee, it’s HARRY & ALIONA with what is scheduled to be a tango (but we know it will be anything but ). Nice vampyry costumes, Aliona’s hair a Rubens red, Venetian masks, two thrones – this could turn into anything. What happens next is a very graceful dance to tango music, Harry doing some really good things with shapes, feet, shoulders, hands, head, even teeth, and pulls the wench in splits along the floor before finally breaking her neck and collapsing exhausted on a throne after a quick snack. About 8 seconds in hold as tango in the whole thing, but a standing ovation nonetheless. McFly colleagues now non-plussed – will they ever get their drummer back? (Probably not, change the name to Harry and the Shadows.) So here we are lined up for another Judges’ dispute, but it’s more of a bit of a spit, sorry, spat. Bruno understands the hypnotic power, Craig gets the intent, though pushes for a weeny bit more in hold, nevertheless, darling, the little tango there was, was excellent, and then Len gets in his whinge about wanting a regular tango in ballroom hold (to audience accompaniment sounding like a cow mooing with indigestion) before agreeing with Craig. Alesha agrees with everybody, maintaining that “art is subjective”– cleverly concealing the fact that she is about to compensate Len’s predictably low mark (7) by pulling out another 10 paddle (with a triumphant grin) to get the score up to at least 34.

After this, we settle down to a Paso Doble from ROBBIE & OLA and – make-up apart, how is it possible to Uglify the beautiful Ola? But someone’s gorn and done it, complete with bird’s nest on her head – while the laddie wears the oddest uniform ever, though tight scarlet trousers always work for men. Near the start there’s some nice cape-work from Robbie, but then the paso becomes less a bull with matador and more like a stroll in the park minus baby buggy. Robbie’s steps are neither manly nor proud, and the only attitude he presents is presented to Craig with a bit of striptease hip gurning before the final splendiferous jump onto the judges’ desk in front of Craig with his (Robbie’s) hand clasped like a starfish over his (Robbie’s) family jewels. This totally chuffs Len, while Craig is Not Amused, and for this move alone the couple get a standing ovation. Craig (4) is determined to unappreciate Robbie’s lack of technique and posture, “with hands like soup ladles”, while Len is still sniggering at That Jump. He agrees that Latin is a lost cause for Robbie, and he should concentrate on his ballroom while Alesha noted the good cape work and Bruno commends the “forward thrust with crotch” technique before collapsing into giggles, prompting Alesha to crow “Keeeeep thrusting!” when scoring as they gave a relatively fair 26.

News report from sick bay: Otto will make it through the night. They are trying aromatherapy at the moment, which should explain the stench of rotting seaweed that is currently polluting the ship’s air conditioning. At my order this ceases immediately, as Second and Third Engineers’ faces have turned pale aquamarine in colour. They are sensitive souls. Catering are coming round with a second trolley of buffet supper. How many more dances? This is turning into a long night. But long in a good sort of way. How Tess’s lipstick survives so well is being computed by a bevy of envious junior navigation officers. They reckon 3 additional applications between her appearances.

Ah, now a straight-up tango from ANITA & ROBIN should be a lot of fun. While Robin has a severe case of Runaway Mascara Syndrome, Anita, looking great in scarlet with ungainly curly pink windscreen wipers attached to her eyelids, pops up from behind the orchestra’s tombstone and is playfully witchlike. She can twist her mobile face into evil grins and grimaces to order but her tango movements are as soft as those of a baby angora kitten. Len is happy with it (full of tango content) but like all the judges he points out the weakness of her posture. Craig nails it, saying “acting 10, top line 3”. But inexplicably this couple still get a generous score of 31. Same as Chelsee’s mark? Eyebrows beginning to hit the ceiling.

Now the audience responds to Len’s call for applause of makeup, hair, costumes and music.(This acknowledgement should be a regular part of the show.)

And now, the final furlong: just two dances to go. We are due to get a Paso Doble from LULU & BRENDAN, though the secret that some flying is involved has already been given away by Tess earlier, and by the silly VT. Now we understand why Craig had to use the harness earlier – to make sure it was safe for Lulu. Wearing a burglarious black mask and a wispy browny bat costume, Lulu floats down, then commendably prances the floor (that her eyes are still loathe to relinquish) and executes, nay performs, Brendan’s Paso choreography Without A Mistake (as Bruno gleefully points out). At the end she swoops up to the first storey to receive her first standing ovation!! Her prayers have been answered, this is a major breakthrough and whatever the judges say about needing to strengthen her frame, Lulu’s too happy to listen. Everyone pleased, including re choreography, but Craig’s 6 paddle instead of a 7 leaves them at 29, just short of their first 30 mark. Third Engineer does not understand this: quite a lot of Lulu’s dance demanded her to mirror Brendan out of hold, harness work is not easy, but they score less than Anita & Robin; a conundrum that maybe the public vote will resolve.

And now, with our stocks of bubbly running low, at last we come to the final dance of the evening, and we anticipate it’s going to be a cracker: JASON & KRISTINA dancing a quickstep to “Bewitched”. Good, they’ve managed to escape the disfiguring “Make-under” department, are wearing smart but old-fashioned green costumes, so .... What a clever start! With a wand the nasally mobile Kristina controls Jason with his back turned to her – this is good stuff! Moreover, it’s a show dance with a proper story. Once they are in hold, it’s the Moscow to Melbourne Express, miles of floor covered, beautifully together, very smooth, no sign of Stiff Neck Syndrome, bit o’ Charleston, bit o’ this, bit o’ that, and before you know it, it’s all over. The final standing ovation of the night – yeah, even dear old Joe C. has to lumber to his feet, and the judges are happy to end on a high note with remarks on brilliant choreography. It can’t be a round of 10 because apparently Craig has noticed some mistakes (boring). Alesha calls it cute, Bruno reckons it was “bewitchingly brilliant, slightly barmy” (his sound bites getting more logical) and up in the Tessanine they rejoice to see Alesha’s next 10, with 9s from the others. 37 – the highest score of the competition so far, and it’s only Halloween.

Great news from sickbay – Otto recovered enough to follow the last dance on a mini-vid, so he’s now demanding to see the rest on our ship’s log, er, i-Player, and is even being nice to the starfish. We can spare him a single bottle of medicinal bubbly as the rest is being consumed here as we celebrate the end of a great Strictly show, full of much excellent dancing and not totally faffed up by props and costumes (apart from the second act, oh let’s not go there), which goes to show that if you let dancers use props more often, they’ll keep them in proportion to the dance.
Nevertheless, there is universal interspecies consensus that the male presenter should shut up completely while the judges are giving their comments. He is no longer required to keep the judges from fighting as most of this is choreographed by Craig beforehand, and even Bruno isn’t messing up too much of it. We already have the absurd VTs and the unfunny introductory jibes, sorry, jokes, and that should be enough for compliance with this presenter’s contract.
Alesha is gaining confidence as a judge, (though we think two of her 10 scores were somewhat aimed at Len, but what the heck – the public has 50% of the scoring power anyway, and there’s not a mathematician in the cosmos who can produce a good theory to explain the effect of the GBP voting on the leader board.)

Hey, now there’s a conga – no, two congas, threading around the shop, er (hic) ship, each preceded by a feather boa rampant. Nancy was right, there was not a problem with the boa: up here they are welcomed as a species in their own right.

‘Night all.

-----------------------------------

What a marvellous review!!

Dorabella 14, I bow before your genius. Could they not get you to do the intros?

Thank you. I have, however, to bow before pro dance specialists who maintain that the magical Swan Lake Smooth was based on the foxtrot.

But to me it looked dreamily like a rumba - just shows how first impressions can fool you.
Or I should have checked in a large glossy reference book that I do not possess.

Hang on, hasn't Anton written a book about dancing?

PS Also just seen the misnomer 'Janice Jackson', which should of course, read 'Janet Jackson' who suffered that appalling Superbowl moment at the hands of clumsy Justin Timberlake, whose apology I never remember reading. But this caused synapses and crossed channels in my brain with Chelsee's Waterloo Road character Janeece Bryant.

Just shows I shouldn't be allowed near a keyboard without a college degree in Celeb Personalities.

Awww Poor Otto. Im sure that next week it will be okay lol.

Alesha and her "comfort blanket" made me spray Pastis all over my monitor. Forunately the alcohol in Pastis cleans screens really well.

Also very fortunately the "voting viewers" - not me as I live outside the telephone vote zone - have had enough and thankfully we shall no longer be subjected to the car crash "dancing" from her and Anton.

Great update, Dorabella, thank you. I hope Otto is well wnough for next week and without his vuvuzela.
Last edited by StrictlySC4 : 30-10-2011 at 23:56

Thanks Dorabella for another great review
I loved the bit about Anita's eyes

Thanks Dorabella

Soooooooo good again, Dorabella

I send a hug to Otto

BONFIRE NIGHT – 5 NOVEMBER 2011

After a week of counselling and consolation, we finally dragged our droopy octopus Otto back into some semblance of normal behaviour in time for this Planet Earth Saturday night, with spaceship full of visitors, vidscreens and nice load of contraband, and all health and safety inspectors trussed up and stowed away in the rubbish chute. None of them understand that all the bonfires and fireworks we ignite are totally safe and space-proof, and no visiting alien has been burned by mistake for simply ages. We have put a ‘Do Not Touch’ Post-it note on the Open Hatch button, but accept no liability if it doesn’t stay there.

No Judge Len tonight, but guest Judge Jennifer Grey, an American version of Alesha, (ie another non-pro dancer - which has raised many eyebrows - why? OK, she Has Danced with Patrick Swayze (sigh) which makes her a legend). If this were the US show, there would be a proper introduction of this lady right at the start of the show, but Bruce is totally unable to shuffle his cue cards. Second and Third Engineers have helpfully set up some games of Instant Holographic Snap to play during the VTs that will preface each dance. They are getting worse and worse, to the point that all sharp heavy objects have to be hidden to preserve our vidscreens from objects being hurled in scorn.

After seeing the male dodderer shuffling through a moonwalk while replacing overhead ceiling fairy lights, our First Officer neatly pixellates himself into the picture just in time to receive the leg grab choreographed by Tess, while we all cheer. The nude lacy Tess-dress with poppy detail and bony knees is quite erotic in a mild sort of way. First Officer overdoes the smirks and is laid out with a frying pan.

LULU & BRENDAN open the show with a tango to a truly ghastly song sounding like whistling dolphins on speed. Nice start on the bridge, descent of the stairs duly managed, then straight into hold for the rest of the trip. Some nice sharpness in the steps at the start, but this gradually wears off as Lulu looks down more and more at the floor, as though reading off the choreography instructions. Brendan’s face is a picture as a few of Lulu’s kicks go awry due to this Dancing by Numbers, but eventually he relaxes, and sends his partner off to execute a cheesy kiss on Judge Craig’s cheek, a prelude to Brucie wanting in on some of that too.

Jennifer as guest judges ignores all that and opens with a gush to Lulu about looking good for her age – but did notice some slipups, as also did Alesha (looking the more gorgeously dressed of the two) and Bruno, being “driven crazy” at Lulu running out of fuel tonight. Craig, with the gentlest of swaggers at being informed that he is Head Judge for the Evening, (knowing it makes absolutely no difference to the proceedings) is booed as usual by the audience the moment he opens his mouth: has the BBC not yet learned that this judge always delivers negative before positive, and that the contestants want to hear both? If he’s head judge for the evening, couldn’t the audience shut up, just for once? Bad one, BBC.

Brendan interrupts Bruce to offer a proper welcome to Jennifer - the welcome that Bruce should have delivered right at the start of the show, instead of sticking to the show format like superglue. It looks as though she’s going to be a high scorer tonight. Her 8 makes up for Craig’s 5 and a respectable score emerges – 27.

On second are AUDLEY & NATALIE with a Viennese waltz. Here's a bridge and a lamppost – more time-wasting props? Nope – they fit the lyrics perfectly and give Audley the time to get his sway going before they both get into hold. He then dances with a totally unexpected grace and fluidity, handling Natalie in her floaty yellow dress like a porcelain doll. There’s a certain amount of walking (albeit rhythmical) but also enough twirling – smart ending to huge applause. Alesha remarks that he’s so much better at ballroom, being “really endearing”; Bruno is pleased with his delicate touch while Craig stumbles in with technical terms and a completely not-understood comment about Audley’s tongue hanging out (which only he could see - noone else did). Jennifer plasters over this crack with compliments such as “oddly endearing” but wants a bit more drive and taking charge of the dance. Despite Craig hanging on to the 5 paddle, a respectable score of 27 is achieved, which is this couple’s highest mark to date
.
Next come HARRY & ALIONA with a samba – this time full of recognisable samba steps – well done, Aliona, we’ll tell Len what he missed. It’s supposed to be a sexy party dance, and Aliona looks electrifying in her blue-green sequinned outfit and Harry in a black Ramps shirt. However, all the sex from Harry is only when he is either behind Aliona or adding some Travolta disco touches. Otherwise he exudes ‘embarrassed teenager vibes which freeze his hips. But they still get a standing ovation – probably initiated by his band mates wildly clapping and cheering, good team support there, but Harry is aware this was below their usual performance standard. The judges insist it was all too controlled and slightly fake, disappointed Jennifer coming out with “I might have found that mildly exciting” while Alesha admonishes Harry to “kick it up a notch”. However the score is 33 (a 9 from Jennifer – did the BBC given her the full set of paddles?) – not this couple’s best. A nice lesson “Samba in 5 minutes” thrown in for free from Mr Bruno “Liquid Hips” Tognioli, prompting our Second Engineer to have a go with our willing Navigation Officer.

Now for a visual treat: ANITA & ROBIN’s Charleston. Forget the stupid VT, tonight’s costumes and sparkly bar are absolutely spot on. Robin uses the cocktail shaker to give the beat to the band while Anita slinks down the steps for a cute little solo before being joined by her partner for a sparkling high-voltage dance that incorporates nearly all the standard Charleston steps. Their standing ovation is well-deserved. Craig and Bruno note a few timing and technical quibbles, Jennifer notes that this “national treasure” could have pointed her feet more, but all are delighted with the performance. Anita’s eyes light up as Alesha tells her that she is transforming into a dancer. Up here on the bridge we all agree. The score is 31 – respectable and for once not overmarked.

Next up are JASON & KRISTINA with a rumba, the amateur male dancer’s nirvana – they all hate it, particularly the married ones. Papa Jason does his best, moves and poses and slinks exactly as directed by the lissom Kristina, but has forgotten to do anything about his billabong face. Tonight Kristina would have got a greater connection with John Sergeant. As Jennifer says, the romance has been totally missing. Alesha’s remark “I got a little bit bored” is spot on; Bruno also "felt nothing", while Craig thinks it was too "earnest". While Jason humbly soaks up the criticism, Kristina’s face drops into the sub-basement and up in the Tessanine her eyes stay down as she calculates how much anti-freeze she can slip into his post-show Fosters. The score slumps below 28. Hey, Jason, you’ll need a bulldozer to dig deeper next week – and please have a go at consoling your Russian partner, instead of analysing your nerdiness.

After such a damp squib, I propose a quick game of scrabble to cheer us all up here on the bridge, but whoah!! Wolf-whistles from our First Officer, his eyes glistening at a frock to die for. ALEX & JAMES come sashaying down the stairs for a glorious quickstep made brighter by the lighthouse beam on Alex’s face that rivals Anita's Colgate toothpaste grin. Alex has suddenly discovered what Strictly is all about, and is having fun with Sergeant Major Jordan. Odd moments of looking down at the floor to see if it’s still there, but a superb floor-covering bouncy romp that ends with the couple collapsing in giggles on the floor. A standing ovation is missed as everyone is still doubled up with delighted laughter. Apparently there was a heelgate, but we all missed it. Judges delighted. Alesha notes that Alex is “going from strength to strength”, Head Judge Craig (pro tempore) notes that the dance “packed a punch” and congratulates Alex on managing the caught heel so well; Jennifer rounds off with “it was like fine champagne, fizzy and bubbly and made me feel giddy”. After all those positive thoughts, why is the score still only 31?

ROBBIE & OLA are about to enchant us with a romantic waltz, and romantic it is, sticking close to the lyrics of the song sung by a reedy swan on the point of expiring. Robbie gives us nice rise and fall, not too much trout pout, ushers his pink demoiselle around the floor and sits with a splendidly believable gaze into the distance at the close. Alesha and Bruno have beoth seen the good technique and emotion, but Craig and Jennifer want more connection between Robbie and his partner. C’mon - a professional footballer doing Last Tango in Paris in a family show? Ola reckons she felt quite enough emotion during the dance, thank you very much. A respectable score of 29 – but this week the high 20s are beginning to look on the low side.

The anticipated comedy turn with RUSSELL & FLAVIA gets off to a corny start with Russell on a silly bull rocker tossing polka dot hankies to the Toreador theme from Bizet’s Carmen. An end with these props, we chorus!! For once, Russell, just come onto the dance floor and dance for the whole 90 seconds!!! You are already streets ahead of the Widdy, and us lot are not begrudging your staying power in this competition. So please stop faffing abaht and do a bit more dancing when Len's back!!
But as soon as he gets off and throws away the silly spectacles, our Russell produces quite a few paso doble steps and hand movements with Flavia looking ravishing as always, despite an irritating polka dot theme in the costumes – most un-Hispanic. Of course he has to mess up with an under-rehearsed prop at the end. A standing ovation is whipped up, probably by the floor managers with tasers.
Craig, looking for a low paddle, can only utter one word “Astonishing”, Jennifer and Alesha compliment them on the amusement factor and Bruno observes that it was “demented but fabulous”, turning into a proper paso once the messing around had stopped. But nothing can raise the score above 24 points – which, with only two excellent female contestants to follow, lands them in the Wooden Spoon slot on the leaderboard. If Russell could throw off the Widdy blanket and start dancing properly, as Julian Clary did several seasons ago, he could deserve a longish innings in this season.

It’s CHELSEE & PASHA up next with a Charleston!! Having seen the trailers, we’ve got Otto on tranquillizers to keep his excitement within bounds. The little lady looks totally unrecognisable in a wig and flapper costume, but she does look exactly like our old family photos of Great Auntie Gladys, especially the head feather and hairdo. Exiting gracefully from her stage car, Chelsee attracts the attention of a passing greasy mechanic and off we go into a frenetic high-drive, high-energy Charleston with the best synchronicity for hand and leg movements that we have collectively ever seen on Strictly. Jennifer gushes admiration, Alesha remarks on Chelsee’s incredible stamina and the great kicks,” and Bruno praises the performance and the great choreography. Craig’s eyebrows are canoodling on the ceiling with pleasure. “FAB-EW-LOUS!” he utters, otherwise struck dumb. If there had not been that single second of hesitation while Pasha removed her wrap, there would have been at least two tens. But 9s all round to make 36.

Otto engulfs all those whom he can reach in a lazy group hug. We extricate ourselves without broken ribs by wrapping his spare tentacles round bottles of bubbly.

Ending the evening come HOLLY & ARTEM with a highly anticipated jive (the pinstripe costumes having been leaked to the public and practically put on the 10 o’clock news). It’s a full on, very fast routine with a surprising cartwheel from Holly (causing one white brace to come adrift, but makes no difference) and loads of kicks and flicks from those black and white 1920s gangster shoes. The dance suits Holly very well, her top half is excellent, but her legs and feet just cannot match the sharpness and attack of her partner’s movements –she should lift her knees more.
All the more surprising for those of us who were aware of Artem’s injury during the week, which he obviously wanted to play down tonight. Once again, with true professional grit, for him the show had to go on, with minimum changes to the routine (well handled by Holly). Full marks to them both for their professionalism.
The judges all praise Artem for his concept and choreography and Holly for her newly discovered energy level. A very reasonable score of 34 (another 9 from Jennifer) after Holly has assisted Artem to hobble upstairs.

Aha, here come catering with our second supper and some more bubbly.

All in all, a very good evening we feel, very much in twos: two overall favourites have fallen from grace with dances that didn't suit them; two sporting heroes revealed their innate delicacy and feminine side; four females provided enough kilowatts to power the Christmas lights in Regent Street while two couples did as well as could be expected. Poor Kristina – she definitely needs some TLC – a deputation is getting ready to teleport down via some greenhouses in Africa to sweep up all their roses and lilies for her. We also have all fingers, legs, toes and tentacles crossed for Artem to recover fully. Hopefully he’ll have a rumba next week - but will his artistry allow him to choreograph that without lifts?

As for the judging - the lovely Jennifer was prettier than Len, scored higher, and was also far politer with her comments – she knows from last year’s DWTS how the contestants feel so did not insult them with personal comments. Alesha was more at home, entirely confident with her comments, and Bruno and Craig were – Bruno and Craig. Did we miss Len? I would like to say no, but in fact that’s a yes. We didn't miss the silly personal comments one bit, but we did miss his observant eye. Next week will be back to business as usual.

‘Night all.

Another masterpiece well done !!

Glad to see that Otto is recovering. Hope no one got hurt with the bonfire and fireworks.



Jennifer Grey was a total flop - even worse than Alesha with what appeared to be pre-scripted comments read from cue cards on the desk. she couldn't have been supplied with a complete set of scoring paddles as she only seemed to use one.

The VTs ARE getting worse and further away from the original idea of seeing training footage.


That Tess-dress was yet another example of poor wardrobe supply. I don't know who is supplying Tess's dressses this year but they seem to have come from "No fit and bony knees" Her knees really aren't good enough for such short dresses


I did miss Len - even the grumpy version that seems more prevalent this series. I'm sure he would have commented on Jason's rumba walk and marked accordingly. I felt for Jason tonight as his rumba was the best by a celeb this year yet his mark was so low. Just shows what happens when 4 non-pro ballroom dancers do the judging.

Great work, Dorabella, and thanks. Love to Otto.
Last edited by StrictlySC4 : 07-11-2011 at 12:51

I refrained from egging the guest judge's face because it seemed to me she was simply unprepared for the cosy yet bitchy yet more informed yad da da atmosphere of the British event. Just like Alesha on her first night as a judge. Or like Darcy Bussell when she came in as a fifth judge at very late stage.

Yes Jennifer was a flop, but not because she meant to be. The set up was too awkward and I'm sure she will herself cringe after seeing recording and tell herself "Dang!! Could have done better."

BBC error, I think, in not selecting a home-grown specimen. Should have been Karen, getting her off the red button.

We are all into poppies now on the SS SALTANDO and our resident octopus Otto has developed a special sugar-based solution to keep a coronet of these scarlet petals stuck on his head. We have told him this is inappropriate and excessive and attention-seeking, but he’s proving impervious to all insult, probably due to his secret lessons by correspondence course from la diva, Nancy Dell’Ollio, who still, according to a certain Sunday paper, believes she should be dancing in front of millions every Saturday night.

Enough of nostalgia, here we downsit, turfing impertinent visitors off our favourite chair and tasering the impertinent visitors who hang upside down from the ceiling in front of our best vidscreens. Otto has trained a small interspecies army of Chelsee Cheerleaders, but they got so hyperactive that for their own safety they have been parked in the hold and are being fed raspberry ripple, and we only allow their leader back onto the bridge on the promise of strictly good behaviour.

A wolf-whistle from our gradually disintegrating First Officer hails the advent of his blonde goddess wearing a smart sequinned Tessdress of Xmas green with hemline high enough for the unwelcome knee grab but still looking somehow Victorian and demure. We turn deaf ears to a shameless self-promotion of a CD and learn from Tess how to chorus “Wemberley”. That’s to differentiate the stadium at 51.33 N 0.17 W from the Wembley Stadium in South Africa 26.14 S 28.03 E, where we will be sending Nancy with a free flight ticket and lots of champagne in First Class, so as she won’t notice.

First up are ALEX & JAMES with a jive in red and white Lindy hop costumes. The "Rag Doll" song lyrics prompt a slightly self-conscious start with rag doll for Alex, but when she swaps the doll for James, we get barrow-loads of energy and a routine full of bounce, waving arms and legs, though in those shoes her feet suddenly look as large as Audley’s and are bound to attract Craig’s attention for being neither pointed at 180° or flexed at 90° (he always brings his protractor). Judge Len is back, apparently in sunny mood, congratulating Alex on her verve and gusto. Alesha praises the energy but wants a few small details finished off; Bruno praises the cheerleader performance but tells her off for poorly finished flicks (the feet) before ending with a strange leer “I had so much fun with you!” which will probably require some explanation at a forthcoming ITT2. Meanwhile Craig likes the performance but not her feet because they consistently revealed an angle of 45° which is not the right dotted line on his protractor. Still, a happy score of 31.

Next come ROBBIE & OLA with an American smooth to that old favourite “Sway”. Yet again Ola Jordan turns up in a long dress which almost forgets to have enough material in it for the top. For the first five seconds she captivates our bridge with a solo, then Robbie is up off the naughty step to join her. He has a great top line, face under control, some nice finger positions and three great lifts executed smoothly. No standing ovation, though our Robbie is now grinning like a lighthouse – he enjoyed that. Alesha thinks our footballer is better in ballroom, Bruno sees bits of Latin coming through and likes the combination of styles. Craig, arbiter of armography, comments on the beautiful arm placement and control in the lifts, liking the routine mucho. Len, looking startled at the higher standard achieved by the contestants in his absence, says it got better and better, and so another happy score of 31 is allotted. Ola’s elfin face lights up with plea to camera to get them both to Wemberley – no worries, dear, Robbie’s fans will get him there, but hopefully not to face another yellow card.

AUDLEY & NATALIE follow with a cha cha cha in electric blue costumes. Sadly the costumes are the brightest part of this act, which is truly leaden, apart from Audley’s smile. It is strange to remember that Natalie once got Sssssscot Maslen to Round 11 of Strictly (meaning they came 4th overall) and they scored 39/40 for a jive. Here she is, in UN-style negotiations with a gentle giant who is well and truly in his groove but the dance looks unfinished – arms not in synch with his partner’s, feet still flatter than the floor. A little hip roll in front of the judges, and his tongue slips out again. Come on, Audley, so little result for weeks of hard work? Look at how far Alex has travelled in the same time interval. All four judges apologise in advance for having to tell Audley as it is – not up to scratch, not his dance, no way José. They struggle to give him 20. Obviously not his night, then.

Now we’ll get some fireworks – HARRY & ALIONA in an Argentine Tango – if points went for costumes, Aliona’s purple velvet and silver number would score a full 40 – she looks absolutely fabulous, and our First Officer has tossed his Tess fixation into the rubbish chute. The routine itself is sharp, well choreographed with loads of the right steps, and Harry provides suitably sultry frame and leads to the lissom Aliona – as it should be. Good shapes and lifts. Some of the ganchos (leg hooks) done at lightning speed and the two dancers are in eyehold nearly the whole time. The standing ovation is well deserved. Craig declares, to audience cheers, that Harry had authority, dominance and control. “It was filth and I loved it!”. Len begs to differ, stating that while the routine was very clever, he could not see where the intensity had gone. An Argentine Tango is supposed to be about mood, transporting the audience to a club in Buenos Aires, but although the steps had been well placed and keenly executed, there has been no passion. Audience, not liking this, starts booing. Craig says “rubbish” quietly in Len’s ear– there had been plenty of passion. Whereupon the Head Judge turns round to face Craig and utters “There was no passion, you silly little sod,” before turning his back on him and trying to carry on amidst rising chorus of catcalls from audience and angry shouting from Brucie “Wash your mouth out ... with creosote!” After Len’s attempt at an apology bombs like a lead balloon, Brucie finally barks for quiet and gets it. After this spatgate, Alesha plunges in with a spiel of positive remarks about Harry being sexy and passionate with incredible control, and Bruno goes into overdrive about Harry being moodier than a thunderstorm in the pampas, but again ending with a leer - “never stronger, never more attractive.” (What on earth has DWTS done to our respected judges Bruno and Len?? By contrast Alesha looks like school matron.) But at least the scores are good: 10 each from Alesha and Bruno, a 9 from Craig and 8 from the sulky Len. 37/40 – not dusty at all.

Somebody please separate the First Officer and the Third Engineer from their unseemly brawl. They cannot have Aliona’s costume as a souvenir – she’s still wearing it.

Now we all need to calm down, so we get JASON & KRISTINA for a fast-tempo Viennese waltz. The lady looks gorgeous in her floaty white dress, though still doing a lot of back seat driving around the floor. Jason’s confidence gradually flows into his face and he happily negotiates all the twirls and graceful fleckles, getting his feet in the right place, it seems. But Mister Cameraman, for fleckels, we need to see the feet, man, it’s about the feet. We need to see if our Ozzie is capable of doing the steps that Ian Waite so brilliantly demonstrated on ITT2 and which the Second and Third Engineers have been practising ever since. But we get a nice view of the lifty twirl at the end and aromantic face + hug to close. Len confirms that all the footwork was spot on (so we did miss something!), Alesha loves the drama and the connection in this partnership, Bruno is happy with the style, as Jace is “back in the zone”, while Craig maintains that a potential score of 10 has been missed because of wooden arms thrusting out to extended position. Trust Craig, but then, he is right, as usual. Total score takes some time to get correctly totted up as 35. Up in the Tessanine, happy smiles from Kristina, but Jason refuses to be led on by Tess to count on a place at Wemberley - “Look at the competition!” he exclaims, and all the dancers nod in appreciation. Nice lad, not stuck up at all.

Six navigation officers loom as a bodyguard around Otto, protecting us from him, or him from himself as CHELSEE & PASHA launch into a foxtrot. After a particularly gruesome VT (about which more later), the routine starts with Pasha at the piano “playing” the music while the demure little lady in romantic dress and shiny chignon demonstrates the grace of her upper body movements before they take to the floor. As she whirls around, beautifully poised (proper body contact) in Pasha’s arms. I find myself wishing he would modify his stride to allow her more time to keep up – at one moment her feet were skittering rather than dancing - but her face and the whole dance so focused and sophisticated that this story has enchanted us all. Alesha praises Chelsee for being equally strong in Latin and in Ballroom, Bruno loves her sophistication and armography, still noting one off-balance moment, Craig says she is “ticking all his boxes”, while Len loves her elegance but has given her some footography homework for next time. Alesha’s 10 offset by Len’s 8 while Bruno and Craig give 9 each. Overall score of 36, not quite top of the leader board, but Chelsee’s eyes are shining with her first score of 10. and her squeal snaps Otto out of his tentacle-waving trance.

Sorry Otto, all vuvuzelas are under lock and key, also all trumpets, harps, bongo drums and fog horns. OK, whistles are allowed. Why don’t you rush off to see how your cheerleaders are getting on? Byee.

After all that excitement, we are now transported to a club in Buenos Aires by ANITA & ROBIN’s Argentine Tango, which starts with spotlight on Anita’s legs and our attention remains pretty well on them throughout, including during the lifts The routine is sultry, full on for steps, ganchos, and evil smouldering sneers from the lady, who is definitely not going to play second fiddle to Aliona tonight. The feet and head and arms are sharp and the mood intensely focused to the sparse accordion chords. The colour choice for the costumes, on the other hand, leaves us perplexed. With all this sequinny red and blue, is this a reference to the Falklands? Anyhow, the audience erupts with cheers and a standing ovation, with laid back hubby Brian finally managing a yell or two. Bruno gets ecstatic: “You sexy mama” ramble ”unleashes Basic Instinct” - well, you get the drift -there was some judging in there somewhere. Craig not too impressed with the ganchos, kicks not high enough, but is solidly in favour of Anita’s amazing spinning and a great routine. Len confirms that this AT smouldered and was moody (he obviously got past the bouncers in this club,then) and Alesha is exuberant about the performance, connection and story. A strong score of 33 – their highest so far.:

And now, the performance that has been tickling our fancy on the airwaves all week. Will she? Won’t she? Will HOLLY miss ARTEM (up there with back pain, watching in the Tessanine) or will HOLLY & BRENDAN form a viable new partnership? Stupid question – Holly’s not a diva but an actress, and a splendid rumba is danced, with Holly looking very comfortable with her new partner, whose rumba dancing is smoother than silk. The choreography is Artem’s - so beautiful, moodily sad, good placement of leather bench, and Holly’s graceful armography already apparent from her “Swan Lake” smooth, comes into its own here, together with graceful hip action in the obligatory rumba bottom wiggles. It all looks not just safe but very much together. Good proportion of audience on their feet at the end. Craig “welcomes” Brendan back and praises both dancing and the routine; Len, totally out of touch with the world in general, wants the dancers “to have more emotional involvement” which Alesha immediately corrects by pointing out how well Holly has connected in just a week with change of partner. Bruno commends Holly for being so supple and applauds the routine (Artem’s) as very very good. Two 8s and two 9s make 34, earning Holly hugs and kisses from a delighted Artem (disturbingly dressed exactly like Brendan) up in the Tessanine. Actually, flanked by both males, Holly’s eyes show she can handle both boys quite comfortably. This is, of course, a brilliant double bonus for all the Brendan Babes, who were never comfortable with his being paired with the diminutive Lulu, and should bring Holly a raft of extra weekly votes.

Finally the coda, end of the show. First Officer makes his excuses and disappears from the bridge, no doubt to pixillate himself into a recording of Aliona’s Argentinean Tango. Harry’s future existence is definitely in danger now. We pass round the nibbles and agree to cheer the little lady as RUSSELL & FLAVIA take the floor for their American Smooth to a number called “I am what I am”. We get a quicksteppy routine at the start, but it is repetitive. Luckily no attempts to lift Flavia even if Russell had no back problems. His face starts losing its smile, but then the gold screen plays its music hall role and we get Strictly’s first full costume change (fun for the band). What exits is a hobbit in a gold lurex suit who can’t wait to start bouncing around in star jumps like a gold ball falling off a Christmas tree. This is camp, this isn’t dancing, and we have slid down onto the Widdy “Entertainment” scale. Maybe Flavia is enjoying the fun, but I concentrate on opening a bottle of medicinal bubbly. As for the judges, they are getting fed up too. Recalling the song title “I am what I am” Len remarks “Well, that was what it was” with Russell dressed up like a huge Ferrero Rocher. Alesha struggles to remain positive, observing that there have been lots of steps in the first half but the second half was perhaps a snapshot of his character. Bruno is diplomatic: “you really are your own special creation” while Craig, browned off with the whole Grantmania thing, comes up with one sound bite “Immortal, dahling”. His 5 is lower than the sevens from the others, making the second lowest score of the night 26. The other contestants still think he’s funny, so obviously the Grunt, sorry, Grant, is popular backstage. So let’s give Flavia tons of credit for getting any kind of dancing from this self-styled buffoon.

At this business end of the competition, we all suddenly develop a keen interest in knowing who will make it to Wemberley. Our dance-mad shipboard computer switches on the tachyon drive and fetches us the results show from a future 9th dimension – well it’s easier to arrange that than to argue with Catering to provide two slap-up buffet meals inside 48 hours. We watch some OK pro dancing and after a painful first three bars we fast forward through a whingeing caterwaul from a female seated at a piano (which is a fire hazard with all those candles, opines the Second Engineer, who is wearing his badge of Fire Officer for the week) - maybe the piano could sue for misuse. The first results are more than predictable – Audley and Natalie in the bottom two for the fourth time. Much diversion with violinist and concertmeister André Rieu and his orchestra of preposterously crinolined ladies – and some gents in the brass. The beat is infectious and Anton and Erin float through a breathtakingly elegant fast-moving waltz, just proving that there’s no need for feet to touch the ground at all if you sufficiently Viennese the waltz. Everybody happy with that.

Wait a minute, what’s this? During the second set of results Alex is sitting on the panic button, yet what the flippin’ ‘eck are Anita & Robin doing in the bottom two after their fantastic routine tonight? after her two 9 scores, Anita not quite able to believe this and promptly falls off her cloud 9. Up with Claudia in the Tessanine, Audley, looking huge next to the diminutive Anita, see the lady's distress and quietly pats her hand, saying with complete sincerity that if it were up to him, she would definitely go through to Wemberley. Luckily enough GBPvoters were scraped up, and Robin’s sigh of relief reaches out to Timbuktu. A delightful choice of exit dance music: Audley’s back in his groove, having lost this fight but hey, they had a good time and Natalie looks relieved, but in a nice way. She just couldn’t get any more out of him.

Some furious betting now going on about the outcome of Wemberley. 6000 people – the size of an interplanetary committee meeting on clearing up space junk (which is our day job, by the way). The dancing stage is going to look so titchy – and what about the weather? The roof is only partially retractable. It’ll be a staging nightmare, but never mind. Strictly regularly shoots itself in the foot with ghastly VTs that are so cringeworthy that we constantly have to apologise for them to our visitors from other worlds.

Strong vibrations coming up from amidships, - time to cool down Otto’s party in order to preserve this space vessel from coming apart at the seams.

‘Night all!

Thankyou Dorabella - looking forward to next weeks report.

Yep, I do know about a small scouting tent called the Wembley Arena, seating 6000, but once conjured up, visions of Nancy Dell'Olio dancing on a platform in the middle of a footie stadium (seating 90,000) could not be easily banished. especially if raining. so I went with the flow.

Dorabella is Otto like Paul the Worldcup Octopus? Can he predict the outcome by selecting the correct pair of shoes??

Some time ago Otto went to the Paul "World Cup" Octopedal seminars when he was on shore leave and came back full of theories that only make sense when seen through the bottom of a beer mug.
Being a champagne drinker himself, he was finding the bottom of champers bottles a bit difficult to see through, so we gave him a glass ball instead, which works much better, and can be chucked at people when he's annoyed (only allowed to do this in the zero-gravity corridors, however.

Basically he's useless as a clairvoyant, but I wouldn't say he is innocent of interfering with satellite mobile phone calls that are not destined for Chelsee's number. But hush, you've forgotten that already, haven't you??

Forgotten what Dorabella?? :sleep:

Otto in the slammer - not being allowed to watch the Wemberley show. Not nohow. One does not dismantle parts of the International Space Station just because one has decided to construct a spare space pod with super sensarround and champagne bar for better Strictly parties.

Oh no! So no review... Can you be bribed with Starbars and Blue String Pudding to let him watch from his cell?

There has been some totally illegal surreptitious activity on the part of the Second and Third Engineers. Visiting intergalactic police also not appreciating the Free Otto Now campaign being waged in the entry dock. Let's see what happens next.