Hope it all works out for you and we get to see how the Wemberley show was received by "aliens". I hope there were no dissenters re the early result infomation too.

Bother that International Space Station – who needs it anyway? Otto had only pruned a quarter of it to improve the design – but our ship has been crawling with intergalactic fuzz. However, we got rid of them by have a special fire drill practice, encouraging said fuzz with special X-factor footage on every vidscreen and wall speaker to run for the exits, which they duly did, out into thinner than thin air while we ran in the other direction. Then we took off our goggles, removed our earplugs, released Otto from his smelly little locker and dunked him in several tanks before he was allowed to come anywhere near the bridge.

So here we are, ready to roll. Oh, earplugs back in again folks and help yourself to drinks while the BBC wastes time and space on silly VTs to tell us that the Wembley Arena is bigger than big. Yes, it’s huge, big, bigger than big.

Show starts with Queen's "We will rock you" - a white tent-like veil drops to reveal a large white pastille of a stage in midst of vast floor the size of a cricket pitch, racks of floor lights like a rock concert, and over 6000 audience hidden somewhere in the shadows, making enough noise to persuade us that they are not digital infills. Helping along the pro dance is our Craig doing a Widdy-Lu: soaring up to the ceiling looking fairly demented in Brian May wig and guitar (but legography not controlled and he didn’t point his feet, so we’ll take marks off for that). In a beautiful camera shot the judges sing a well mimed Scaramouch – then there’s some more slightly thrown- together pro choreography before the contestants all come on behind Chelsee as a great little cheerleader.
So here’s a night to tickle Len’s fancy.

The Tessdress is long, Tory blue and slinky – and Tess is in her element in this large arena . Joining her is a white ghostly person, oh it’s Bruce – should have gone for some more eyeliner, Russell style or spent the summer in a tanning booth. He duly informs us that ticket sales for this event have produced £102,000 for Children in Need – and that tonight is going to be the Best of British. Now please shut up and let’s see some more dancing. The crowd cheers wildly going into overdrive. Whatever they're on, I'd like some.

Wild cheers from the crowd as ROBBIE & OLA start the show with a routine that is announced as a salsa, but turns out to be an energetic disco dance, starting and finishing on two large white drums. It’s full of c’mon c’mons and some jumpy steps. Sorry, Robbie, all our eyes are glued to Ola’s cat suit, eyelashes and leonine tresses – grrrreouuuw! Looking good enough to eat, she executes a superb lift by locking her limbs around her partner’s neck, but after another lift later on she is lucky to survive Robbie’s dodgy leapfrog jump over her head while all cameras retreat to the Azores to avoid being head butted by Robbie sliding on his knees. The crowd’s standing ovation is not echoed by the judges, who all fail to be impressed. Len complains our footballer has danced as though at an FA cup final, all “a bit wild and savage”. Alesha likes the bold show opening act and the “rather crazy lifts” but noted a lack of salsa flavour to the dancing. Bruno also cross with Robbie for ignoring the courtship side of salsa and going for it like “a primitive fertility rite”. Craig castigates Robbie’s flat feet and hips being “totally devoid of any rotation whatsoever” but his upper body was OK. A score of 26 – worryingly low for this week of the competition.

Next on are ALEX & JAMES, also cheered noisily on entrance. This is going to be visually pleasing, as Alex, romantically dressed in chignon, black lace and foaming white skirt, makes good use of the hanging white ribbons to start off her tango. Then, joined by James looking seriously good in a sober grey outfit, they get into hold and it goes very intense, even though the song lyrics keep saying ‘Relax”. It’s a classic tango routine danced with style, poise and intensity – steps not too difficult – so Alex has time to get the headography right. The crowd loves it and so do the judges. Alesha praises the drama, seduction and the “really believable” connection. Bruno finds it fascinating, alluring, poised and stylish, says it looked right. Craig’s words “I believe we may be seeing some improvement” cause the crowd to erupt in cheers that drown the technical advice that follows. Len, his fancy duly tickled, just ruled that this was a proper tango, therefore fabulous. Over in the Tessanine James starts jumping Grant-style for joy as the scores come in: total of 35! He chooses this moment to pay homage to his partner, of whom he is justly proud, which brings tears to our eyes, soft-hearted beings that we are. We like this nice side of James very much.

Then come HOLLY & ARTEM for a quickstep, though whoever designed Holly’s outfit had better emigrate quick – too hideous to be described here. Holly is professionally unaware of the beehive that crouches upon her head. Huge cheer to welcome Artem back (and probably the only acceptable VT of the night showing some real training footage before the mucking about bit). Off they rush in a quickstep to catch a number of trains and buses in different corners of the arena, so together they cover miles of floor , and go up and down the stage stairs as though they weren’t there. It’s marvellous to see Artem dance again – his movements are so sharp, but Holly is once again in two halves: top half fine but legs and feet both floppy. With Artem’s injury we couldn’t really expect a lift, but with all other contestants throwing in illegal lifts as though there were no tomorrow, this slick and correct routine misses out on both ow and wow factors. The crowd hopefully offer a standing ovation, but the judges remain underwhelmed: Bruno is cross with Holly for habit of switching on and off and produces a hilarious Malapropism (“you are like a thoroughbred horse that hasn’t been broken into”). Craig finds a difficult pirouette on the steps to praise before criticising gapping and timing issues; Len and Alesha note that the dance had been so fast and furious that control had been lost at times. Slightly disappointing score of 31, but Holly seems happy just to have made Wembley.

Next comes a totally prop-free samba from ANITA & ROBIN. According to the VT they are still traumatised after being in bottom 2 of previous week but once they’ve clapped their way through the audience and onto the stage, they have the whole arena clapping and in tune with them. It’s another Anita party fest, despite the garish black and pink costumes (pink is not your colour, Robin) and it’s high energy, flashy smiles, all the right steps, performed with 150% enthusiasm. But the lady never bends her knees, so the bounce is created artificially in a manner all her own. The crowd like it, and it’s another standing ovation. Craig has some sticky technical comments regarding hunched shoulders and thumbs sticking out. Len praises the verve of the performance, would have liked to have seen sharper and crisper movements (feet not sharp if legs not bent) and adds “your thumbs were particularly attractive tonight, I thought”. (So that’s Len 30-Craig 15, still in the first set, then.) Alesha loves the energy and personality and finds tactful way to say Anita has “not totally embodied the samba groove” (ie, no bounce) and Bruno comes out with Anita having “so much fire up above that you forget to have any fire below” missing all the sharp leg work. The score comes out at 27, which has this couple slightly worried again.

Now for the eye candy, HARRY & ALIONA, to whom the First Officer has built a little shrine in his sleeping quarters (optimist). A slightly weird opening with two stagehands pulling a transparent red veil over the couple, then we get a sizzling red hot salsa, another bare chest, and half way through the slick routine, Harry, stomping in Cuban high heels, gets to unclothe his partner even more by pulling a long red scarf off her, leaving her in a delightful red sequinned bikini. Various eyes on the bridge pop out on stalks, those already on stalks extend even further towards the vidscreen. We are liking the routine very much, Harry’s face beginning to imitate the funny expressions of professional male dancers, and there are lifts galore, including an amazing one with Aliona going over Harry’s head and ending on the floor in splits. Obviously another standing ovation – the crowd’s getting pretty good at them. Len very happy at seeing a full-on proper samba (no, that’s not a spelling mistake, that’s what Len said), but goes on to explain why he couldn’t see enough hip action: Harry’s back steps had been too big. Alesha (a great fan) praises the dance and the lifts and the armography, while Bruno provided some of the night’s funniest sound bites. “ I think you’re overdressed for the occasion”, “flirty, sexy, pulsating” before offering some technical advice, noting that Harry needs “a little bit of work on your bum, we’ll talk about that later”. Luckily before the penny drops for Bruce, Bruno adds that his comments are purely technical. Craig rounds off by praising the routine, loving the lifts but saying the dance did not flow freely and there was no hip action, before being cut off by Bruce, sore at having missed a good joke. On the way up to see Tess, Harry finds his shirt confiscated by Brendan but decides that’s too much horseplay. The score is 34 – pretty reasonable.

And so it comes to pass that we shall finally witness the event of the week, that overshadoweth all thing economical like failing national economies and dodgy elections. Here to fireworks we have the gigantic entrance of the diminutive RUSSELL & FLAVIA. To the tune of “Reach for the stars” we are treated to a lot of Flavia dancing solo, she being bereft of partner while he is otherwise occupied. However she is looking superb in yellow, with shiny star over one eye and a long pony tail, pirouetting like a tiny ballerina with two sparklers in the shadow of a huge purple cannon, until it ejects Russell on a red tea tray, the joy in his baby face a wonder to behold. We are going to stay strictly polite here – there are only about 40 seconds of jive, allowed by health and safety experts no doubt. The judges roaring with laughter – Russell is off his rocker, but very lovable with it. Alesha views this routine as zero jive technique but huge on performance; Bruno also highly amused at the madness, saying the routine “had nothing to do with jive – By God, I loved it!”. So you can rely on Craig to bring everybody back to earth with a bump. With a totally straight face he enunciates “Dumbo springs to mind” (the audience booing lustily) before adding “Revolutionary” as an afterthought. Len has not much else to add, save that this performance will be highly memorable, like 1066, and therefore iconic. The score of 24 is given for entertainment value. Over in the Tessanine, Russell is on his own planet – well he’s on something, and has to be gagged by Tess for her to get the rest of her autocue reading in.

Sharp eyes on the bridge have noticed Anton’s grinning face in the background – ah, there’s Natalie and Katya too. Nice of the ousted pros to be up there, adding their support.

OK, Otto, hold strain, yes, we know it’s CHELSEE & PASHAnext for a samba – and the little lady lights up the scene – though not all of us are sure about the pink feathery tail she has suddenly grown. We very much like her confident lengthy (opposite of Grant) intro on her tod – first a silhouette dance behind a screen and then a front of house solo before she locates her partner onstage inside a huge bunch of balloons. Watching these two dance is a real joy – loads of steps and sound technique, proper samba bounce, the first decent samba roll of the competition, sharp confident movements and real pizzazz – Pasha sharper than a razor blade. Rightly deserved standing ovation. Bruno buzzing with enthusiasm about Chelsee’s natural rhythm and musicality, a near perfect performance (apart from a teeny mistake, which none of us has noticed). Craig helpfully identifies the mistake, then says it mattered little, since he loved all the rest. Len commends the little lady for her courageous long intro which has certainly “spiced up my night” in a dance that was a proper samba, full of energy. Also liking the strong opening, Alesha tells Chelsee she has captured the spirit of samba with great bounce “you are really coming into your own”. Over in the Tessanine, Chelsee admits to feeling nervous, feeling “like a little dot” on the huge dance floor. Well, my dear little dot, you are the centre of Otto’s universe. A score of 35 has Chelsee squealing, jumping into Pasha’s arms and kissing him on the neck. Pasha now needs a bodyguard to keep him safe from tentacular rearrangement before next week.

And now for the closing act, the planned crowning glory of the evening – as the producers have so ordained.
JASON & KRISTINA are here with their jive. They also have a go with a light box, punching through a clock face, into a high-energy jive, full of fizz, pop, pointy feet and excellent kicks and flicks. Kristina, looking particularly sexy in an unflattering costume throws herself into the lifts and spins, while Jason just about keeps up. Then, just as it was going so well, Jason’s feet lose their way for 4 bars – the mistake is glaringly obvious – and the golden boy has well and truly blotted his copybook. But he soon recovers and carries on, true pro. Appalled by the memory lapse the crowd compensate with a noisy standing ovation. Craig regrets the memory lapse mucho - jive “would have been phenomenal” apart from the mistake. Len also clearly disappointed, commenting that Jason must have worked his socks off to get such a good result. Then, mindful of his role as Head Judge, he throws a whoopsy about too many lifts creeping into all the dance routines – this innovation Stops Here. Alesha praises the energy, the technique of the kicks, flicks and side-by-sides. Bruno says it was all magnificent until the moment of the slip-up. Overall score of 34 – so not top of the leader board, then. On the other hand, it could have got nearer 40, but accidents will happen.

So the huge Wembley Arena Saturday show ends with a fitting tribute to the contestants, judges, musicians and all those taking part in the show. The general standard of dancing was high –for this series. Fewer props than usual, so this kept Len cheerful.

Now, as Wemberley is bigger and greater than space, the results show looks likely to be larger than usual. Well, having moved half the BBC up to Wemberly, you can’t not use it. As Il Divo are billed, the results show will get its own review. Meanwhile we have a happy Octopus painting smiley faces on all the vidscreens and the First Engineer is in a trance with an overdose of sequins.

Till later.

Thank you Otto, glad to see you back on your suckers. You are the definitive guide to The Truth about Strictly, and a very fetching greenish hue, if you don't mind my saying. Pure genius, but what could we expect but genius from one of the wisest of beings. You'll know this Otto, but other space wanderers might not - our very own Earth octopi are amongst the most intelligent of beings. In laboratory tests (safely and humanely conducted) they outperform dogs, chimps, rats and Len. Problem solving, no problem.

Over and out, sweetie. Dear octopus. Nanu nanu.

Thank you Dorabella.

That Otto can be bit of a liability can't he. He may be a pain but he's your cephalopod mollusc of pain.

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (couples and black hats)-

Ship’s log: SS SALTANDO: Earthdate 2011-11-25 Hour: 11th

Priority: Well, that depends

Alert level: green (eau-de-nil with overtones of cerulean blue)

Author: First Officer, assisted by Otto, impatient resident octopus, Second and Third Engineers, Fifth Navigation Officer (useless at spelling but makes good kawfee) a visiting ambassador holding a strange golden envelope.

Location of Captain Dora Bell: currently unknown, but suspect sulking in cabin after learning she’s been passed over for promotion again, due to all the Strictly party activity on board.

Strictly location: back in BBC studios, nice and cozy for the Swingathon (would have bombed in Wemberley – too much floor space there – yes, thank you very much, Number 2, but please leave the typing to me).

Entry of Tessdress: an engaging 2-piece number with shocking pink halter neck top, dark blue skirt and incomplete belt (no, a piece of blouse hides a bit of belt – intriguing that, let’s order one for closer examination).
Entry of black Fledermaus person: ignored.

ANITA DOBSON AND NOT-ROBIN: CHA CHA CHA . Due sympathy registered for injured Bobbie (no, not a policeman, Otto). That Bloke who was with Lulu then with Holly is now with Anita – we must beam him up here to cheer up our Captain. Props = piles of tires, petrol pump, greasy mechanic, and strange-looking Anita with ratty hairdo like after shower, wearing glitter-nude dress, pink bow sash, grinning like toothpaste advert to draw attention away from mega-gravity-laden feet that are stomping around the floor. This is a very long 90 seconds, despite agile Not-Robin guiding missy around floor. Not convincing. You cannot dance cha cha cha with smiley face alone.
Judges Mr Len and Missy Alesha: very polite, hide disappointment at total lack of cha cha technique; Signor Bruno happy with the choreography, plenty of the right steps wrongly executed; Mr Craig reveals secret of lack of sharpness – no pressure balls on the floor (Number 3 – behave!!) but says Anita “has fantastic turns, absolutely brilliant”. Mr Brendan is praised for “going with everything, like Parmesan cheese”. Score 30.

HOLLY VALANCE & ARTEM: FOX TROT. That crimson red dress has universal thumbs up and so does the pretty blonde inside it. Strange high-pitched wailing from our loudspeakers so we reduce sound to level 2 decibels and watch beautiful seductive dancing coming downstairs while Number 3 improvises fox trot tune on handy synthesiser. We like this authority, we like the black hat (yes, Otto, that’s Artem underneath it) and smooth smooth stepping. We love those sharp kicks in air. We love it!
Missy Alesha says lady is sexy and alluring (her eyes need no testing); Signor Bruno sizzling like overheated sausage – strange talk of Gypsy Rose Lee and distingée in same sentence: Holly has done “everything I wanted from you.” Mr Craig is most disdainful – wait, wait, - he is a tease!! He likes it. Mr Artem takes first breath for 3 minutes. Then Mr Len has dyspeptic stomach function, with face looking like he swallowed jungle bugs from IACGMOOH. OK, so he didn’t like the music, but why does the Government have to fall? Switch on white noise, please, and comment on dancing. Oh, maybe no white noise possible in BBC – not PC. But his eyes not needing testing – he saw some foxtrot. Score is 34 with two 9s from Missy Alesha and Signor Bruno.
Incidentally, up in the Tessanine, we’ve noticed Miss Erin wearing a most fetching pale lilac full-skirted dress – is it net or tulle or both? Worth investigating further.
Ahem, ahem – oh, all right then. Going forward.

ALEX & JAMES: CHARLESTON Very fetching dress in pale green with chevroned sequins and long long tassels – and pinstripes really suit James – and a splendid proliferation of black hats in three different styles - yes, thank you, Number 2 , I heard that, but – oh all right, you can input for a bit, while I pour myself a drink.
So enough of the costume chat, on with the dancing, which is traditional quirky goofy Charleston, including a swimming lift, to correct period music, thus James is doing everything to pick up easy marks. Alex is on it, good mirror movements, managing hat swaps well (that sort of thing takes weeks to learn on stage - yes, thank you, Navigation Officer, used to act a bit, did you? You did? Congratulations! –

That’s it, off the keyboard, Number 2, I’m taking back control. This is supposed to be a serious objective evaluation exercise.


Alex manages a through- the legs, just, and ends the routine just a bit off time, but has gamely smiled a goofy Charleston grin Without Stopping. All this meets approval from “Signor Bruno “Good old Vaudeville” but not duck-faced Mr Craig “you took a step backwards” due to lack of precision – and comes out with “Mee Dee Ochre” : we don’t know what that is, and we don’t care. Mr Len found a lot to smile about, overlooking that “little things need to be a bit crisper” and Missy Alesha says it was “quirky, sweet and funny” and comments on the strength of the partnership. Score is 29 – not bad.

No, Otto, you can’t do the input – your spelling is terrible – what do you mean, use smiley faces? Most of them would be missing for people reading this on Digital Spy, where the moderators speak pidgin with only 14 smileys.

ROBBIE & OLA: SAMBA. Ola definitely a “You sexy thing” in a darkblue-sequinned bikini with samba skirt. Robbie struts and bounces up and down the floor, and is motionless while Ola delights us with wiggles and twirls – pity he can’t stay put, but off he goes, galumphing and bouncing in midfield until off he goes to the sidelines – missing a ball, perhaps? Nope, it’s to strip his trousers off in the face of a mystified member of audience. Mystified us too. What is the significance of the colour blue + figure 8 (we saw that in an Anita dress during Broadway week). Well, Mr Craig did not see the significance of that “gratuitous” move which was “to no avail and inessential”, while Mr Len declared this had been a “shamba” and gets cross with Robbie for all the mucking about (meaning playing to the gallery). Missy Alesha smiley and polite, while Signor Bruno remarks that the samba bounce had been overdone “like a kangaroo with lead feet – not completely successful” – but Robbie “can always go on stripping”. So for them it bombed, with a score of 25.

Up in the Tessanine we observe that the lilac dress is now wearing both Erin and Anita. No, it’s found itself a dressmate.
This dull and studious evening needs to be brightened up, some zizz and whoopee, and we have exactly the right ingredient coming up. OK, Otto, you can type this part of the report but turn the auto spell & grammar checker, please.

CHELSEE & PASHA : ARGENTYN TAGNO – sorry ARGENTINE TANGO.
And now, the best lady celeb dancer ever appears enticingly in a doorframe (the colour scheme’s all wrong- look, First Officer, you said I could do this – the BBC’s colour-blind anyway, surely you’ve guessed this by now, and they over-ordered on crystals and purple several years ago and so are still using up the extra, hence Chelsee’s dress) –

I start again – no interruptions, please. An enticing lady is lured from her brothel doorstep down to the dance floor by a passing dark stranger, and then starts a game of cat and mouse – will she or won’t she succumb to his wiles? She is precise, giddy, forward, distant, but then, after a lift, there follows a staggering display of ganchos, forward crosses and other fancy footwork, executed at a speed that leaves the efforts of all other amateur dancers light years distant in the shade (Hear hear!!) This little lady can give Flavia a run for her money – can now keep up with Pasha, can hold her own, and after another stunning lift she finally sends this stranger on his way. A thrilled audience jumps to its feet without being tasered by the floor managers.

Sadly the judges’ comments have to start with Len, whose grumpy behaviour is really ruining the night. I am almost wishing to see Jennifer Grey back in his place. So he wants more emotion and passion – what? On a daytime audience including toddlers and middle-aged politically-correct contributors to Points of View? Wasn’t it enough that she should have executed a highly technical routine without fault? No – my guess is that he’s jealous of Pasha: never will Mr Judge Len be lifting the jewelled Chelsee in the air, or hooking his bony skeletal legs with her immortal limbs. On to Judge Alesha, whose intelligence beams out like a supernova. She notes that this routine was “technically very strong” and simply recommends as light extra touch that Chelsee “should lose her inhibitions, and so get to the next level”. Judge Bruno also admires the footwork and the technique, but sees his chance of another grope – no, make that clasp – of Alesha’s divinely beautiful form to make a point – the same point that she made, in fact, so maybe he’s jealous he didn’t make it first, but if he had then maybe he would have lost the chance to gro… – clasp Alesha to his bosom. Oh well. Chelsee gets the point. Craig – well, again his face might sink 1000 ships, but he is tactful enough to wrap the male judges’ criticism up in technical jargon like “working on the A frame” which is directed at Pasha. He does, however, say “fabulous” and drop this heavy hint which we hope the simple-minded Great British Public will not cotton on to – he hopes to see the Argentine Tango again from this couple, maybe in the final??

Up in the Tessanine, the congratulations are warm – knee-high Vincent smiling broadly at the back, needing a lift up from James and Brendan. Then Tess reminds Chelsee that Bruno wants her “to be a little bit badder – have you got it in you?” and our girl replies truthfully “of course I have, I just don’t know if I could do it on telly” – it takes Pasha about 2 secs to work this out, then his face shows he wouldn’t mind a bit. The scores come in: 8 from Craig and 9s from the others another 35!! Attagirl!! But there should have been at least one 10.

So, now there’s going to be – oh, no, sorry folks, just looking at this VT, this more than any self-respecting cephalopod can stand. As Aussies go,Craig is bearable, but Jason! Ah, Navigation Officer, I see a mussel crawling up your skirt.

JASON & KRISTINA: CHARLESTON:
Navigation Officer here, I’ll do my best. Otto’s gone off to work on his report. Well, this couple look amazing all in white (except for Jason’s pale blue shirt and maroon tie, of course) and Kristina has this lovely closefitting cap on her head and that tasselly dress is one to die for – wish I had one like that, but not in space, of course. (And her legs look gorgeous in that binocular camera shot, too.) Oi, get off! Let me do it. Well the routine’s definitely fast and jerky and goofy and Jason’s pulling some very funny faces!!! They’re doing all the steps that Alex and James did (look sorry, I’m not an expert, I’m just saying what I saw, right?) but it all looks sharper and cleaner, there’s a great lift, and – oh no!!! Jason’s done it again!!! He can’t seem to perform a dance lasting 90 seconds without making a mistake – where his leg kicks didn’t go the same way as Kristina’s, so that’s several marks off from Craig, then. But they end up well and OK, and the audience is clapping hard. Probably tasered to a standing ovation by the floor managers.

The judges are all enthusiastic, and for once are not making a meal of Jason’s mistaken kicks –Bruno makes a funny remark about Bruno’s face “nobody could accuse you of using Botox” (no, that’s not cruel, that’s funny – well Bruce says much worse things and isn’t funny, but I think what Bruno said is) and then when we are expecting a mix of 8s and 9s, they give all 9s – so scoring 36 for a dance with a mistake in it above Chelsee’s 35 for a faultless and more difficult dance. Don’t tell Otto anyone, please!! Talk about favouritism! Ola’s stormy face is one to behold. Why are the judges so biased?

And now I’d like to do the last couple, if you don’t mind, because they’re my favourites, and you are all glassy-eyed with bubbly. I’ll do my best. Please could someone physically remove the Second Engineer from my shoulders, if you would be so kind. He’s very heavy, and he’s dribbling bubbly down my neck. Thank you, First Officer. So kind.

Last up come HARRY & ALIONA to dance a QUICKSTEP. They look absolutely drop dead gorgeous with Harry’s shirt in the same colour as Aliona’s full skirt, and her red belt goes with Harry’s tie. This kind of togetherness is exactly matched in the way they dance. Perfectly together. They leap across all the diagonals of the floor, jump up and down on the spot, do Charleston steps and then zoom off again. This is pure classical quickstep to the right sort of music (Aliona’s not taking any risks at this stage, looking for easy pointsfrom Len, now) and they look as though they have been dancing together as a couple for years. Harry’s face occasionally betrays the fact that it’s not effortless, but all in all a very professional, well-executed dance.

Hold your breath, the comments are going to start with Craig: what does he find wrong with it? Harry has a “lazy left foot”!!! That’s the limit!! Oh, all right, now he says “that’s all I could find wrong with it.” Pernickety, indeed. He’s an opinionated showoff! Len “sway – lovely jubbly” hints at a high mark. Alesha says she loves it when she can just sit back and enjoy a dance without worrying, and Bruno is very excited, swaying above Alesha like a tree in a hurricane, but I think this just to illustrate a point. (What does he do if he wants to flag down a taxi? One wonders) .Aliona gradually relaxes and allows herself a grin. Up in the Tessanine, Harry neatly ducks out of Tess’s heavy hint about lifting the glitterball and then is gobsmacked by the scores – a 9 from Craig, a squeal from Aliona as Len lifts a 10, Harry hides his face in disbelief as Alesha and Bruno both pull out 10s!! 39!!!!The pros and fellow dancers are clapping and cheering, and even Ola is smiling and nodding – it’s a fair score.

This is absolutely brilliant. Sounds of more bottles of bubbly being opened behind me. Hey, I want some!! Otto, hello there, my dear. You missed something special – oh you saw Harry and Aliona on your own vidscreen, then. Wasn’t it absolutely tops – along with Chelsee’s dance, of course. And Jason was dreadfully overmarked. No, that’s my bottle of bubbly you’re grabbing – let go please, thank you.

And now to the Swingathon. This is going to be a really sick joke, with the two best dancers still knackered from their quickstep. Come on, Number 2, your turn at the keyboard. Oh, hallo Captain! Um, well, yes we’ve been – you know, just watching the show, you know. Sorry we lost you your promotion – yes, we can see you’ve been …., immersed in mediation in your own personal space. Have a peanut, or a drink or something. You seem to be quite attached to that shiny envelope – we do hope it was good news.

First Officer welcomes the Captain to the bridge. Stand at ease everyone. The Captain will have an important announcement to make at the conclusion of this show, which appears not to be ending yet as Tess is still speaking and Old Father Time is still standing upright. Tess explains the rules for the War on the Floor. Apparently this is what happens at real dance competitions. The judges have fun pointing out how difficult it all is and how unfair - it’s ruthless, darling – and so, what fun!!

On come the dancers in appropriately colourful, even garish, garb and all grab a (probably prearranged) place on the floor and get stuck straight into it. This is jive plus lindy hop plus swing, and is a very very long way away from the elegance of ballroom foxtrot; rather nearer to the romps of dances late at night at the court of Elizabeth 1st.
It all looks highly athletic and untidy, but that is supposed to be part of the fun, you don’t know what you are looking at, so obviously you are missing where you don’t look, and the judges have to argue without taking their eyes off the flawer – sorry, floor.

First out are Robbie and Ola, much to that little lady’s fury – she is not happy with that, not happy at all. This is not her night. Next out are Anita and Brendan – not to Brendan’s liking either as he had been swinging Anita around in some pretty impressive lifts. The one couple understandably not being athletic is Holly and Artem, so they have been marking time with their cool jive routine with one lift and amusing piggy-back sequence! Jason and Kristina have indeed been athletic, but could be surprised to go out before Alex and James, who have been full of beans, different moves and much lift action, including several straight-backed lifts for Alex that must have been difficult to hold. Chelsee and Pasha have kept a spirited routine going – very controlled, and finally the exhausted Harry and Aliona can finally bring their Olympic gymnastic programme (everything on time, body ripple, etc etc)

And so, the vidscreens fall blank, and all eyes turn to me, Captain Dora Bell. What is my news?
More to the point, what was in the shiny envelope?
I was tempted to say “Wait and see” but the alarming speed at which our octopus is changing colours with emotion, and the unnatural stiffness of the First Officer, whom we have had to pull out of catatonic states on more than one occasion, urges me to put an end to their agony.

“My news,” I start (dramatic pause) “affects you all. Yes, all of you.” (Careful, they have a very short attention span). “As you know, our official duty is to sweep up space junk and convey said refuse to recycling stations, and this we do for shifts of several Earth years at a time. In ord to relieve the tedium we have become involved in Strictly Come Dancing to the point of hosting totally unauthorised Strictly parties for the benefit of many visitors and roving ambassadors, and our reputation has gone before us.” (Worried looks – better go carefully, First Officer is likely to go over like an ironing board). “But several visitors have reported good things about us and so we have been invited, no, ordered, to leave this ship as soon as possible and report to an LV Space Liner and there to take up new duties as official hosts of Strictly parties until the end of the series. (Faces breaking into delighted grins) “and then we shall receive special training for hosting other future events of similar nature.” (Crew erupt into cheers and applause
Otto is now bright pink and is easing his way out of view, probably to find a noisy vuvuzela or trumpet. Only the First Officer looks worried.

“Come on, man, now you can officially watch the results show – and log into DS Strictly forums without fear of discovery.” He’s still worried. What ails the man?

‘But, Captain, what about Otto? Does he go with us too?”

“Stupid question. Could you imagine this crew without its resident octopus?”


Nuff said. Now it’s party time!!!