*waves sheepishly*
Hello?? Can I come back in please?
I have been looking for the fire exit for this thread but can't seem to find it
Just wanted to come back on briefly to express how overwhelmed I have been by your love. I'm truly touched by the compassion and genuine concern that you've shown to me. I am very grateful and humbled by all the kind tweets and PM's I have received .. and will get round to replying to individuals when I can.
Just finished reading back through the thread and want to say how deeply sorry I am for causing such chaos and upset on here. I owe everyone a massive apology and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. You all mean more to me than you could ever know.. each day you help me through my troubles and sorrows .. and the fact that I found such incredible friendships over the internet, because of John and Josie brings that little bit of sunshine into my grey, cold, lonely life.
Yes, I do have some things going on in my life making me super stressed and constantly tearful.. I try to just get on with it, paint on a smile and keep plodding on .. but that's not always easy to do and I fail more often than I succeed, these days. It is all getting a bit much for me and I do struggle a LOT but it's life, eh? Mix that with a hormonal, stupidly over sensitive and stubborn as hell young woman (toxic combination, I know) and you have ME .. Rianne .. There are so many things I would confide in you all (with relief) as it may help you get a glimpse as to why I am at an emotional low right now .. but I can't share that on the thread; not because I don't want some of you knowing .. I just don't particularly want anyone who may lurk here to know the ins and outs of my personal and family life.
I beat myself up constantly – every single day of my life about anything and everything .. I've always given myself such a hard time since I was a little girl.. and I don't think that will ever change. Kay's right about me having selective reading – I only see the bad .. even at school when my teachers would praise my work highly and follow it up with some constructive criticism all I would hear was what I had done wrong... so then I would study and work my butt off to do better even if it meant going without sleep or food. So when I see that I have upset people I hate myself.. I already felt pretty crappy as it was but reading back the fall-out caused by me has had me in floods of tears. The huge, ugly atmosphere that followed (even when I wasn't here) was all my fault – 100%.. it was only me that was responsible for that .. and it was the last thing I ever wanted to have happen on here
I wasn't throwing a tantrum, I wasn't seeking attention when I said my goodbyes - I meant to leave. I WANTED to leave this thread behind because I'm so fearful of putting my foot in something or causing tensions or people feeling uncomfortable or that they want to leave .. so that does make me hesitant to return, I only have for now as so many people have asked. My biggest worry in life is (even more than my phobia of swans) is upsetting people .. especially people I have grown to care very much for.. and so I do worry that something I write could come across as offensive or that it will hurt someone's feelings. And I don't want to do that!
Seriously, I know I posted about being off-topic .. but I really, really, reaaaaaally do not have any problems with it. In the slightest .. I am so sorry that my original post (which was supposed to be more jokey than serious but that definitely didn't come over) and those that subsequently followed made some people feel like I was going off on one .. (I can understand why some would have read it that way having re-read it myself now) but it was truly truly NEVER posted in that spirit. I wish I hadn't said anything about it and had just kept my big mouth shut as then none of this would have ever happened
I'm sorry I wasn't in the mood to laugh at myself or laugh at anything (for that matter) the past few days .. I'm not lacking a sense of humour .. I just wasn't in that cheery place of laughter land, hopefully I can hop back on the express train soon as heaven knows, I could do with a hell of a hearty laugh! I don't think of myself as some heroic mediator or that I'm the one everyone ought to be in agreement with .. and if that is the kind of self-righteous vibe I'm giving off, I seriously have to rethink my writing style and tone.
On reflection of the posts, I don't believe the 'on-topic' posts were meant as digs or swipes at me. I know it was harmless banter but I understand why this was misinterpreted by my friend. I can also assure you all it was not Ferfs who gave me a heads up on what was perceived to be mocking. I always intended to read the comments back through, obviously.. but I made a conscious decision not to do so last night as I wasn't in the right state of mind and maybe yesterday I would have taken some of the posts completely the wrong way .. so I'm glad I waited until today.. I am prone to paranoia etc (won't bore you with details) .. so it wasn't that I was accusing the entire thread of having a laugh at my expense .. I can see that you weren't. But when I'm told something like that, it isn't that I automatically believed them or assumed this was the case but I retreat and then lash out (which is what I did on twitter with this tweet 'Thank YOU for the heads up that they are laughing at me! They'll be happy to know I won't be back then'
I'm not confrontational by nature (especially with those I care about) so I would never come on here all guns blazing, accusing or pointing the figure based upon a 'tip off' (of something that wasn't exactly the case) I can have an almighty rant, mind .. you've seen those but those are about things that anger, frustrate, disappoint me or are about people I do not care for. I don't expect anyone to understand how my head works because I'm still trying to figure this out for myself.. all I can do is say how sincerely sorry I am and hope that you know I have a good heart and my intentions were NOT malicious.
I am so so so so so sorry that lovely lovely lovely people like Wendy and Andrea etc have been upset thinking they upset me. And that others such as BB Basher, Loops, Dreamer etc.. in turn were made to feel uncomfortable, hurt or offended by me. I don't want ANYONE leaving or taking a break because I am the one to blame, I am the person who has been out of order here.. no matter what is going on with me I can't justify making people feel like this way. I feel horrible and totally ashamed. I hope those leaving will re-consider and I SWEAR I will never mention on/off topic-ness EVER EVER EVER again!! I don't want to intrude on the Sanatorium but hopefully they will see this message too.
Love you all so much x x x x x
I didn't think I looked that bad
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