This question came into my mind after reading the article below.

Secret Orders by Pets
http://therealowner.com/pets/secret-orders-by-pets/

When I was child, my family once had a dog. I think he will keep saying “Come on. Play with me.” What about yours?

My cat would say "I love you even more than you love me daddy"!

My pug would say "feed me. give me some of that. feed me. i'm going to sit on your head now."

My cat would say, pass me the phone I want to order a take-away.

That was slightly tongue in cheek (and hopeful) - I expect it would be more along the lines of "food please, I'll have a pouch, or on second thoughts, dry biscuits............but maybe on reflection I will have treats please"

My female cat Tiggi (very apt name) would say the same thing! My male cat Obe would declare his undying love for our dog, Millie. Millie would swear at Obe and tell him where to go and then ask for lots of cuddles from mummy and daddy and say thank you for taking her for lots of fun walks where she gets to hump boy dogs!

My mare is quite a grumpy thing so I would imagine that she would complain about working and I'd imagine that every other word would be a swear word! My gelding thinks that everything is edible so he would constantly be asking if he could eat that fence, brush, coat etc

"I don't want that muck in my bowl, I want what you're eating"
"How dare you move, I was enjoying sitting on your lap"
"That Cat from next door's in our Garden again!"

If your pet can talk, what thing you expect to hear?

"I want my ice cream treats every day of the week!"

Our dog is a border collie who often gives me looks that say 'You humans are so thick'. Failing that, she would certainly say 'Take me for a walk. Now.'

William would say:

I'm old and grumpy, I've got arthritus and I'm not really a house cat because I used to live in a shed.

What do you want? Cartwheels?

I'll purr when I damn well feel like it.

Half of your sofa is mine, as is your favourite chenille rug. Deal with it.

I know my food is good but yours looks better.

I don't care of you put Merlot in your ragu, I can handle booze. Gimme.

I know my behaviour is often unappropriate but I am a rescued stray. I had no role models. Love me or leave me.

Shadow (the elder statesman) would say "Leave me alone. Get that kitten off me. Is it safe to go downstairs or is that kitten going to jump on me. Life was so much easier before that kitten arrived."

Woody (klepto cat) would say "oh shiny, I like, I want, I steal, I hide"

Archie (kitten) "play with me, love me, feed me, play with me, play with me, I'm gonna bite you, I'm gonna scrap with Woody and I am gonna to launch myself off the table onto Shadow"

or "Gimme milk, gimme cat milk, gimme milk. NOW!"

or "what happens if I bite this?"

Come on, hurry out into the garden and check it for other cats. I am in a desperate hurry to lie in the sun and lick my bum and can't do it unless you are on lookout.

Feed me, Feed ME, FEED ME!

Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Why aren't you stroking me?

I want attention. I want attention. Don't touch me!

For goodness sakes, why don't you ever understand me?

Ahh, a nice huge bed just for me. How dare you get in? Ok. I will let you as long as you sleep in an awkward position so I can stretch out.

My cat would probably say, "OIII!! PAY ATTENTION!!...FEEEED MEEE...OIIII! YOOOOU!...I'm gonna do -insert annoying thing here- until you pay attention and feed meeee!.....please -insert cute face here-.."

and if any guys are around winding him up (for example, my boyfriend) he would probably say..."don't..just don't.....don't!...I said don't....*sighs* leave me alone.....RIGHT THATS IT!! GRRRRR!"...and would scratch and bite them (playfully) but it hurts apparently lol he never does it to me ...on the odd occasion he even attacks them for no reason lol he could just be in one of those moods...which I call a "mad half hour"

I thought this was rather appropriate to, so funny and cute

I like this one. I think this is universal cat speak.

Stop tickling my ears and **** off

My cat loves his ears tickled and stroked lol...I guess he's just weird.

Pixie - You sod off. That's MY mummy. Where's my dinner? You expect me to go out in the rain? Piss off I'm asleep on your black wool coat. It's only dog hairs deal with it. It's mine. Merlin eff off and stop biting my back leg. Hurry up with the food for gawds sake. C'mon if you think you're hard enough (to great big dogs with great big teeth and jaws). Want to go in the car I'm not walking. Don't you dare go near Mummy or Merlin - They belong to me. Hurry up with the grub please. All bags are mine.

Merlin - Oh look sweeties. Is that for me? Like these nice shiny high heeled shoes very much. Does this make my bum look big? Don't make me go out it's dark. What was that noise? Did you hear that big scary noise? I'm scared of aeroplanes and helicopters even though I've lived 6 miles from an airport since Mummy and The Girl brought me home 5 years ago. I want to go to work with Saffy. Where's mummy gone? Pixie play with me. Are these beautiful lingerie sets for me? I do love a bit of satin and lace, even better if they are sparkley with a touch of animal print.

I know this is strange to many people but I do believe animals can understand and communicate with us on a basic level.

I guess you know of this more if you have pets.

recognising words is just the same for them than us - a word or tone pattern will equal to a certain thing.
Even our chickens each individually know there names and certain words.

The thinking that we are vastly superior and have emotions / feelings is wrong. I think its more deeply interwoven into all animals than we think and a evolutionary benefit to a lot of creatures.

"Oi, wake up. I'm done sleeping now"

"Feed me now please? No? How about now?"

"Lol i didn't want feeding actually, just wanted attention"

"Clean my shit up so i can do another one"

"The monster (hoover) is awake, run for your lives!"

My cat would also say all of these lol he doesn't like the hair dryer either or any noisy spray bottles.

" I love you but you're a complete and utter fruit loop, oh and stop singing all the god damn time!!...."

"Oh gawd here we go again....ok I'll let you hold me for 30 seconds then I'm off. Sigh...... OK that's enough, I'm jumping down - now leave me alone!"

"Why do you keep talking to me like I'm a little baby? I'm three and a half for gawd's sake"

"Give me food. NOW."

"No, not a stupid cuddle again - FOOD! NOW!!!"

"Not THAT food stupid - something ELSE."

"Sigh.....alright you can tickle my tummy if you must, but only for 5 seconds then I'm going to kick you, and if you still carry on I'll bite you. You've been warned."

"These humans are quite clever really, they understand every word I say! I just wish they were more obedient."

"For the twentieth time - turn off that rain and wind and let me out. NOW!"

Bagheera would say ... "you! feed me now! now just stand there until I'm ready to eay again. Oh and by the way... that dead birds head is for you"
Sascha would say .. "meprettypickmeupgivemecuddleswantcuddleswantcuddlesnowwhyhaven'tyoupicked meupyetI'mprettyIwantcuddlesPICKMEUP"
Gizmo would say ... "god dammit! I'm sleeping!"

Is it dinner time?

Scratch my neck please.

Thanks for the big cosy bed. Mmmmmmm. You can have the edge with your back hanging out in the cold if you like.

More please.

Welcome home. I've missed you.

I love you.

Open the door please. I can't be bothered with the flap today.

What's do you call that?! I'm not eating that. Oh but I will eat this....mmmmmmm human food.

Haha I got your toes! That's what get for poking your feet out the bed. Do it again! Do it again!

Is dinner time again yet?

I'm tired.

What are you up to? Oh is that dinner I smell.

Wake up!

The list goes on....

All animals (especially cats) speak a language called "LOLspeek" (click here to become initiated).

I imagine my cat Sphynx (click the link to see her) would say more or less constantly "were r teh noms? Noms nao!!!"

Her sister, Blaze, is less food orientated being a ninja action cat (I know from the pic she doesn't look like it, but she actually hangs upside down from door frames) but has a weakness for belly rubs so she'd probably be saying "Fear my leet ninja skills, nao i killz u! Oh, Belly rubz? K, i killz u l8r!"

By the way I'm not mad, but I do make up little stories about the cats for my mate's kids who always ask about my cats when they see me. I just hope LOLspeek doesn't fall foul of the txtspk rule