Due to many things, I’m only just watching last weekend’s Strictly now. This is being typed as I watch it. Massive post ahead.
Pre-credits stuff is rather annoying and only a taste of the programme, I fear.
OMG what the crap is she wearing? Just no. I said Primark pet, not get Vernon to paint you in glue and chuck the grass clippings and some glitter over you. Is How To Look Good Naked still on? I hope not. Lulu’s exit did not send shockwaves anywhere other than her own thick skull. Oh good, they’re talking about Wemberley. Tell me ma, me ma etc. No I wouldn’t like to welcome back Len. Craig is a great head judge.
I was definitely not in a state of bliss when Bruce sang. I felt myself longing for my childhood. I had a lot of ear infections when I was little, leading to a build-up of fluid behind the eardrum, causing very poor hearing. That would have been lovely. Anyway, jiving. James has gone mini-Erin or something. Hmm. The only “person” James can be truly happy with: a smaller version of himself. Poor Ola. Actual jive felt not sharp enough. Man in the hat is very smiley this week. Len is pervy again. I don’t know whether I prefer grumpy/pervy/shouting at Craig or reading off bits of paper. I liked what Monkseal said was on the paper. What’s Bruno taken this week? I love Craig. I think I say that every week but I do. Six years? Oh dear.
Ooh, Bruce nearly pronounced Ola correctly. Yes, making people cry is an important part of dance. More Wemberley etc. How nicezzzzzzzz. He looks delighted at getting covered in sparkly snot though. Ew. The dance looks awkward. Bruce has lost the ability to say Ola. Bruno fancies Robbie as well as everyone else on his Ssssscooottttt list, and Ola hasn’t got the foggiest what he’s on about.
Yay, a training VT with actual training. Nice change. Not that the extra training time made much difference, sadly Audley still can’t dance. Lots of knicker-flashing there from Natalie, presumably to distract everyone from his inability. Also, her exclamation at the end sounds a bit drunk. Bruno doesn’t want to get punched. I like Audley, but no more LOL boxer will punch you LOL please kthnxbii. Is corpulent a word? MS Word recognises it so it must be. Not really a word to describe dancing though. If that was his best performance, I dread to think what training was like. Does Len have any paddles below six?
Yes, Harry does have a partner, but she’s rubbish so that’s why people don’t wait to cheer. Also McFly fangirls are scary. Half of McFly have come to the VT dressed as Greyson’s VT from when he did the paso. They aren’t as creepy though. I don’t think they should dance AT to Ramps’s salsa tune though. I miss Ramps. Harry does a pretty good AT though, although I am willing to be told it’s rubbish by an expert (that’s not you Len, you just don’t like Aliona). Craig does like his filth. Is Bruce doing a LOL Craig is gay LOL with that pink pill thing? Coz really, so over it. And Len, just retire now. Please. Before I get my uncle to do it for you. He could take Audley in a fight. (Not that he would unless Audley started it, but w/ev). Oh Christ, it’s Bruno’s turn. I’m scared. Stop perving Tess.
No I haven’t been looking forward to him Bruce. I’m sleep deprived and I don’t want to miss Russell (/sarcasm doesn’t translate well in writing) because Greyson’s zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz LOL a Kylie song for his VT LOL oh you are funny music people. Kylie’s had a lot of surgery. Why did Greyson try to kill Kristina at the end? Does he like the song too? Even the Ronan Keating version was better than that. I preferred Ramps’s. And Austin’s. Although, tbh, I could say that about most dances on any given Saturday. Shut up Len, Craig can pick on the thumb if he wants to. Oh he’s talkingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Seamless on that graphic problem there Tess, well done. Iplayer says insufficient bandwidth for me to keep watching now. He really can put anything to sleep. Once it’s working again, has something been cut from the iplayer version there?
Wotcha, Bruce? Oh dear. Hasn’t Holly already done the etiquette/rain in Spain VT? Now Chelsee must do it with added mental hat. Pasha is a better piano-mimer than Audley. This song is too high for the singer. I have cats at the window. Nice dance, shame about the hoppy bit. That means not a 10, Alesha. She lost her centre a while ago, Craig. It moved forward slightly.
Yes Bruce, we know you’re old. Take the hint and retire please. Robin is playing his inflatable guitar left-handed. This is not terribly relevant but I had to avoid listening while he was “singing”. Dance was meh. Why did they spend half of it stroking her shoes? Standing ovation? Come on crowd, have more pride. Bruce, the story was about a woman and her shoes, and how her GBF loves her shoes. It’s rather bland but absolutely fine for when children are watching. I think Robin just winked at Craig after his comments. Are they having a thing? Better than Harry’s, Len? Oh dear. Calm down Anita, nine is only a number. What is Robbie doing to Harry in the background? You’re not on the football pitch anymore; stop bashing his head.
Artem sad injury face. Aww. WTF was that shot of the shoes? I can’t help but be amused by Brendan in armour. That must have been nice for him, dancing with someone who isn’t Bloody Lulu. There’s something off-putting about Holly’s dress. I don’t know whether it’s half-curtain or what, but hmm. I love Craig. Again. Just needed saying. Oh God, someone give Bruno the downers now. Has he nicked Artem’s drugs? Because he’s clearly off his face, but that’s allowed. Brendan thinks it’s fantastic because there was no Bloody Lulu. I agree with him.
No Tess, you haven’t saved the best ’til last, because it’s Russell. He can sort of dance, but will never be the best. What’s on his face? It looks wrong. Why are there lots of Russells not quite hitting the same note? Dance, not the worst I’ve ever seen. Costume change, why? Random running and jumping at the end reminds me slightly of Chris Parker’s batman paso, except not, but kind of. It brought it to mind, anyway.
They nearly got Keep Dancing right. Well, half of them did anyway.
Results
That dance isn’t too bad but the band shouldn’t sing the Sandman bit. Tess’s dress is okay by her standards but her hair is rubbish to make up for it. Claudia’s hair appears to be afraid of what goes on in her head and is trying to escape it.
I liked Craig’s walk down the corridor better than Len’s. Craig is very quiet about who he’s perving on, unlike the rest of them. Now that Arlene isn’t on the panel, she spends her time watching a lot more cricket than she used to. Like all of Surrey’s games.
Iplayer’s gone a bit mad now and is jumping all over the place so I have no idea what’s happening.
Ooh, working again. Audley is in the bottom two again. This is clearly the most shocking thing to happen ever. It has stunned iplayer into not working again.
No, Greyson, if you talk I can’t zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Oops. Right, now what’s happening? No, wrong one. It’s Wembley Arena, not Wemberley Stadium.
I’ve never heard of Christina Perry. Is she famous? She looks slightly Alex-ish. Did she get that piano from Annie Lennox? Very spinny dance.
Len’s Lens. How I didn’t miss you last week. Len doesn’t even do his own camera shot thingy. Does Bruno think he’ll lure Harry sitting like that?
I think iplayer’s been at Artem’s pain meds, so I’m not bothering to finish this now, completely off its tree. But anyway. Thoughts for you.
Tell me ma me ma, we won’t be home for tea, we’re going to Wemberley, tell me ma me ma etc ad infinitum ad nauseum.
The only story-telling we had last year was a 12th century German play about the Antichrist we performed on April Fool's Day in the university chapel. Fun in its own way (I played the Synagogue...) but considerably less light-hearted.
BRENDAN ffs! 
I mean, come on, I'd fight you over Colin Farrell, but Brendan! 