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rules for cats |
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#1 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
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rules for cats
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering: 1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself. 3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat. ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests. |
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#2 |
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Nice one
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#3 |
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,137
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When your human is trimming the edge of the lawn with a pair of shears, wait until they are about to make a cut then leap out from your hiding place and pounce on the cutting end of the shears. Human's love the fun of seeing how close they come to chopping your paws off.
When your human is up a ladder (either painting or in the garden trimming hedges), climb up the ladder and try to sit on their knee. They like to feel needed. |
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#4 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 80
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Be very enthusiastic about any new cat-food until human has bulk-bought enough tins to last all year.
Then refuse to eat new food. |
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#5 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,830
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Quote:
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering: 1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself. 3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat. ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests. I love my cat. |
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#6 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 6,178
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Quote:
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering: 1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself. 3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat. ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests. ![]() ![]()
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#7 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,793
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Love this thread, it's give me a good laugh and oh so true ,lol
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#8 |
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Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 621
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Quote:
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot. |
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#9 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 11,583
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Love this thread. SOOOOO true!
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#10 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Sunny Side Of The Street
Posts: 40,099
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If he leaves the window open during mouse season, make sure you leave the head on the mouse mat and the body in the bathroom.
If you are lucky enough to find a frog, leave it on the stairs and wait for the screams. At 5 am wake your pet human up with loud miaowing from the front of the house. The human will not have his glasses on and will wonder what the brown thing is in your mouth. Promptly dump the brown thing on the ground next to your human's feet and then begin to smash it into the carpet. Your human will soon realise you have given him a delicious sparrow which he will refuse to eat and will have to tidy up. Bring a snake into the house via the cat flap and stink the house out with the vile gas that said snake emits when attacked. Slow worms and lizards look prettier without tails. Your human will disagree. |
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#11 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,130
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STAIRS.
Every cat knows that when the slave is making their way downstairs: it is compulsory to ensure you hamper them in every way in an effort to try to trip them up. Should this fail, the next mission is to wait until slave/owner is carrying hot liquids. Now is the time for kitty to play slalom between human's legs. This is to see who has the best sense of balance: cats or humans. 3AM Kittens are taught by mother cats to wait until all is deathly still in the small hours and humans are making loud noises, signalling they are sound asleep. This is the cue for cats to begin storming the house at 100mph, rushing up stairs like baby elephant, jumping up on bed, and using human chest as springboard to reach windowsill. This must be repeated for 30minutes until human is awake. Cat will then curl up in it's bed and go to sleep, knowing the human is wide awake to guard over them and protect them whilst they sleep. |
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#12 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 226,272
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Good thread , Better than reading a book.
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#13 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: On the Road
Posts: 85
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Quote:
3AM Kittens are taught by mother cats to wait until all is deathly still in the small hours and humans are making loud noises, signalling they are sound asleep. This is the cue for cats to begin storming the house at 100mph, rushing up stairs like baby elephant, jumping up on bed, and using human chest as springboard to reach windowsill. This must be repeated for 30minutes until human is awake. Cat will then curl up in it's bed and go to sleep, knowing the human is wide awake to guard over them and protect them whilst they sleep. Ever envision creating furry house shoes the same color as those kittens? lol.
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#14 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,130
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Quote:
Ever envision creating furry house shoes the same color as those kittens? lol.
![]() ![]() I'd call them kittens mittens and cat boots when they got older...... *groan*
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#15 |
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: The Mysterious East
Posts: 5,820
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Quote:
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
When discovered, look at your human with your best "what's all the fuss about?" expression. You should now receive your treat. Allow two minutes maximum: if you have not received a treat at the end of that period begin the Plaintive Miaowing. |
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#16 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: The Mysterious East
Posts: 5,820
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CAT CARRIERS Under no circumstances should you ever enter one of these without a struggle. It is acceptable to grow an additional four legs for the purpose of resisting any attempt to put you in one. Don't forget that, just like your normal set, the four additional feet are equipped with a full complement of claws.
CARDBOARD BOXES On the other paw... |
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#17 |
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: North West
Posts: 23,325
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I don't have the Cat Carriers problem, because I never use them.
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#18 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: On the Road
Posts: 85
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Quote:
CAT CARRIERS Under no circumstances should you ever enter one of these without a struggle. It is acceptable to grow an additional four legs for the purpose of resisting any attempt to put you in one. Don't forget that, just like your normal set, the four additional feet are equipped with a full complement of claws..
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#19 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Pembrokeshire.
Posts: 40,686
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Quote:
CAT CARRIERS Under no circumstances should you ever enter one of these without a struggle. It is acceptable to grow an additional four legs for the purpose of resisting any attempt to put you in one. Don't forget that, just like your normal set, the four additional feet are equipped with a full complement of claws.
CARDBOARD BOXES On the other paw... ![]() Had to take kitten to vet last night - huge problem getting him in the carrier both at home and at the vets. Left the carrier on the kitchen floor and blow me down - the little rascal was fast asleep in it today !! |
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#20 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Pembrokeshire.
Posts: 40,686
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HOUSEPLANTS:- regularly trim the leaves using claws and teeth, rake out any excess compost and if enough room in pot a good dose of cat manure should aid growth....
Note... ignore the cat grass that your owner has grown specially for you. |
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#21 |
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 215
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I have a question for cat owners. To be clear I DO NOT own a cat, or like cats, but Im hoping one of you can give me some advice as to how I stop them from crapping in my garden. I have heard there is a type of plant that dont like. I was planning to coat as much of the garden as possible in pepper but with the current weather it isnt really an option at the moment. Are there any known to work methods you can use to get them to relieve themselves on other peoples property?
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#22 |
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,294
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Quote:
I have a question for cat owners. To be clear I DO NOT own a cat, or like cats, but Im hoping one of you can give me some advice as to how I stop them from crapping in my garden. I have heard there is a type of plant that dont like. I was planning to coat as much of the garden as possible in pepper but with the current weather it isnt really an option at the moment. Are there any known to work methods you can use to get them to relieve themselves on other peoples property?
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#23 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 215
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Quote:
cats by law can poo where they want and the always cover it up.I think people go mad over cat poo but seem to think nothing when people do not pick up after their dogs what is far worse.
So if you have any useful tips I could use that would be helpful. And for the record I have cleaned up after every dog I have ever owned as I do not expect anyone to clear up after a pet I own! Im thinking of building a version of this if I dont find a cheaper option. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbkLjjlMV8 |
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#24 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: The Mysterious East
Posts: 5,820
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Quote:
Im thinking of building a version of this if I dont find a cheaper option.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbkLjjlMV8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNSlP...feature=relmfu |
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#25 |
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Forum Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Sunny Side Of The Street
Posts: 40,099
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Quote:
I have a question for cat owners. To be clear I DO NOT own a cat, or like cats, but Im hoping one of you can give me some advice as to how I stop them from crapping in my garden. I have heard there is a type of plant that dont like. I was planning to coat as much of the garden as possible in pepper but with the current weather it isnt really an option at the moment. Are there any known to work methods you can use to get them to relieve themselves on other peoples property?
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