Glass Topped Table's: When you see your owner spray liquid on these and wipe them, you will noticed a shine and dazzle that will intrigue you. Jump onto the table to investigate further - why not sniff your wet nose along the glass remembering to leave a little trail just so your human knows you've checked it.
rules for cats
2 of 3
Originally Posted by justmejustme:
“BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.”
“BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.”
Brilliant.
Don't you just love them???
Originally Posted by zela:
“Be very enthusiastic about any new cat-food until human has bulk-bought enough tins to last all year.
Then refuse to eat new food.”
“Be very enthusiastic about any new cat-food until human has bulk-bought enough tins to last all year.
Then refuse to eat new food.”
LOL - I fall for it every time.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Love this post, it is just like my cat!
I would also add:
"...meow and scratch at door frame until human has let you outside, then wait 1 minute until human has settled down in a comfy chair with their feet up, then meow and scratch loudly to be let back inside. Then meow to be let outside, and repeat ......"
Last edited by owlie81 : 19-02-2012 at 11:42
Love this post, it is just like my cat!
I would also add:
"...meow and scratch at door frame until human has let you outside, then wait 1 minute until human has settled down in a comfy chair with their feet up, then meow and scratch loudly to be let back inside. Then meow to be let outside, and repeat ......"
Last edited by owlie81 : 19-02-2012 at 11:42
Originally Posted by owlie81:
“DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Love this post, it is just like my cat!
I would also add:
"...meow and scratch at door frame until slave has let you outside, then wait 1 minute until slave has settled down in a comfy chair with their feet up, then meow and scratch loudly to be let back inside. Then meow to be let outside, and repeat ......"”
“DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Love this post, it is just like my cat!
I would also add:
"...meow and scratch at door frame until slave has let you outside, then wait 1 minute until slave has settled down in a comfy chair with their feet up, then meow and scratch loudly to be let back inside. Then meow to be let outside, and repeat ......"”
That's why I, and many cat owners, have a cat flap
. I also always keep internal doors slightly ajar. I have to warn visitors to not shut any doors in my house, the cats like to go where they want 
Another rule: never believe it when you hear of companies producing cat-flavoured dog food. This is a nasty rumour being spread on the Kittynet.
Originally Posted by MarellaK:
“That's why I, and many cat owners, have a cat flap. I also always keep internal doors slightly ajar. I have to warn visitors to not shut any doors in my house, the cats like to go where they want ”
“That's why I, and many cat owners, have a cat flap
. I also always keep internal doors slightly ajar. I have to warn visitors to not shut any doors in my house, the cats like to go where they want ”
Yes, just moved into a new house so will definitly have to fit a cat flap. ....and yes woe betide any closed doors in the house, lol
Originally Posted by MarellaK:
“That's why I, and many cat owners, have a cat flap. I also always keep internal doors slightly ajar.”
“That's why I, and many cat owners, have a cat flap
. I also always keep internal doors slightly ajar.”
"I'm trying to keep the heat in the room. I know you don't like shut doors, that's why I've left a gap big enough for you to get through. So why do you have to push it open all the way?"
"... and can't you at least push it back afterwards?"
And another tip to help around the house:
When your human has washed the floors, please try to vomit on at least one of them. Human's love doing housework and will be thrilled that they can get the mop and bucket out again. If you can't vomit then why not try dragging your cat food onto the floor, or knocking over a full coffee cup, either of these will do, but vomit is so much better.
When your human has washed the floors, please try to vomit on at least one of them. Human's love doing housework and will be thrilled that they can get the mop and bucket out again. If you can't vomit then why not try dragging your cat food onto the floor, or knocking over a full coffee cup, either of these will do, but vomit is so much better.
Originally Posted by owlie81:
“"...meow and scratch at door frame until human has let you outside, then wait 1 minute until human has settled down in a comfy chair with their feet up, then meow and scratch loudly to be let back inside. Then meow to be let outside, and repeat ......"”
“"...meow and scratch at door frame until human has let you outside, then wait 1 minute until human has settled down in a comfy chair with their feet up, then meow and scratch loudly to be let back inside. Then meow to be let outside, and repeat ......"”
Yep, mine had this down to an art form. Now I don't even bother closing doors.
Originally Posted by Branchette:
“STAIRS.
Every cat knows that when the slave is making their way downstairs: it is compulsory to ensure you hamper them in every way in an effort to try to trip them up.
Should this fail, the next mission is to wait until slave/owner is carrying hot liquids. Now is the time for kitty to play slalom between human's legs. This is to see who has the best sense of balance: cats or humans.
3AM
Kittens are taught by mother cats to wait until all is deathly still in the small hours and humans are making loud noises, signalling they are sound asleep. This is the cue for cats to begin storming the house at 100mph, rushing up stairs like baby elephant, jumping up on bed, and using human chest as springboard to reach windowsill. This must be repeated for 30minutes until human is awake. Cat will then curl up in it's bed and go to sleep, knowing the human is wide awake to guard over them and protect them whilst they sleep.”
“STAIRS.
Every cat knows that when the slave is making their way downstairs: it is compulsory to ensure you hamper them in every way in an effort to try to trip them up.
Should this fail, the next mission is to wait until slave/owner is carrying hot liquids. Now is the time for kitty to play slalom between human's legs. This is to see who has the best sense of balance: cats or humans.
3AM
Kittens are taught by mother cats to wait until all is deathly still in the small hours and humans are making loud noises, signalling they are sound asleep. This is the cue for cats to begin storming the house at 100mph, rushing up stairs like baby elephant, jumping up on bed, and using human chest as springboard to reach windowsill. This must be repeated for 30minutes until human is awake. Cat will then curl up in it's bed and go to sleep, knowing the human is wide awake to guard over them and protect them whilst they sleep.”
Re stairs my baby has to be carried downstairs every morning for breakfast!!! He goes all huffy otherwise.
Your Human may buy you a very expensive scratching post. This is for decoration only and under no circumstances should be used to exercise your claws. Instead, you should use the end of the sofa or a convenient table leg.
Humans Day Off?? - It may be the humans day off but it's not yours so sit by the bed meowing as loudly as possible to remind them they have a job to do in feeding you. If that doesn't work then jump on the bed and sit right next to their face this will mean that the first thing they see is your furry bum and they will jump out of bed. They don't get a lie in.
Exercising the Human - To keep your human pet exercised pretend you want to go out and sit by the front door then when they come to let you out run away, do this several times and they will have had their exercise
When Human gets home from work - Regardless of the fact that they have only just walked through the door from work, run around them and pester them for food. If they ignore you and go and get changed go and sit in the bedroom watching them whilst they are changing, this will make them uncomfortable and mean they will feed you to get you out of the way.
Human and their relationship - If your human is having a nice evening with the other human make sure you plonk yourself slap bang in the middle of them to stop them getting any closer, that way you get all the attention.
Human Late home or away - if the human is late home for whatever reason or has been away and they haven't made provisions for you to be fed or the people they have asked to feed you are those people you used to live with who smell of that fat cat that always ate your food, make them feel guilty by ignoring them all night. they will feel so guilty that they will spoil you rotten.
Exercising the Human - To keep your human pet exercised pretend you want to go out and sit by the front door then when they come to let you out run away, do this several times and they will have had their exercise
When Human gets home from work - Regardless of the fact that they have only just walked through the door from work, run around them and pester them for food. If they ignore you and go and get changed go and sit in the bedroom watching them whilst they are changing, this will make them uncomfortable and mean they will feed you to get you out of the way.
Human and their relationship - If your human is having a nice evening with the other human make sure you plonk yourself slap bang in the middle of them to stop them getting any closer, that way you get all the attention.
Human Late home or away - if the human is late home for whatever reason or has been away and they haven't made provisions for you to be fed or the people they have asked to feed you are those people you used to live with who smell of that fat cat that always ate your food, make them feel guilty by ignoring them all night. they will feel so guilty that they will spoil you rotten.
Also, always hang around the kitchen and living room playing with jewellery and empty cigarette packets. When you notice your human clean the litter tray head to the tray immediately and crap in it. Humans hate pooless litter trays.
If it's 3am and you are bored and do not have a mobile account and cannot contact your human.. Try pushing the kettle off the worktop. This will wake your human who will come down thinking they have burglars. Then you can enjoy watching them clean the 5 pints of water off the floor.
Originally Posted by justmejustme:
“BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.”
“BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.”
This is in our 'Laugh on the Loo' book from Next.
Cats:
When going to the vet be as embarrassing as possible; scream and shout in your carry box like a caged monster whilst in the waiting area, and when in the surgery refuse to leave your box and wait to be dragged out.
Biting the vet is a good option to prove you are not a wuss.
As is peeing on the examining table.
When your 'staff' (owners/people that love/feed you) have gone to bed come on flop on them, they really love having a massive, hairy slug clawing their thighs at one end, and having an arse in their face at the other.
Bring your staff dead creatures as presents, the best time is the early hours of the morning, sing a song (loud and screechy is best) to rejoice this event.
You need to eat, you are a cat after all. It is perfectly acceptable on a Sunday morning to punch your staff in the face at 7.00 am to get breakfast.
On cold/stormy/fireworks nights stay out later than normal.
But most of all remember that the 'staff' you annoy and take advantage of, love you without question.
When going to the vet be as embarrassing as possible; scream and shout in your carry box like a caged monster whilst in the waiting area, and when in the surgery refuse to leave your box and wait to be dragged out.
Biting the vet is a good option to prove you are not a wuss.
As is peeing on the examining table.
When your 'staff' (owners/people that love/feed you) have gone to bed come on flop on them, they really love having a massive, hairy slug clawing their thighs at one end, and having an arse in their face at the other.
Bring your staff dead creatures as presents, the best time is the early hours of the morning, sing a song (loud and screechy is best) to rejoice this event.
You need to eat, you are a cat after all. It is perfectly acceptable on a Sunday morning to punch your staff in the face at 7.00 am to get breakfast.
On cold/stormy/fireworks nights stay out later than normal.
But most of all remember that the 'staff' you annoy and take advantage of, love you without question.
Originally Posted by Randysback:
“When you notice your human clean the litter tray head to the tray immediately and crap in it. Humans hate pooless litter trays.”
“When you notice your human clean the litter tray head to the tray immediately and crap in it. Humans hate pooless litter trays.”
When you notice your human relaxing in the bath head to the litter tray and crap in it. It adds to the relaxing ambiance.
When your human has company, head to the litter tray and crap in it. Humans love the smell of cat poo.
Originally Posted by justmejustme:
“BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.”
“BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.”
Love it you have brightened up a very boring day
When you want fuss indicate to human you want fuss then play hard to get when fuss is given like your not bothered.
Eat 12 sachets of new food in less than 2 days but ignore the same new food is brought (usually in bulk) When presented with it again, in fact look horrified to get it again
Sit by bowl, meow, look in bowl, look at human, meow, look at bowl. This is when he can seeim busy making lunch/dinner andhave told him to wait
Insist on fresh drinking water. I only recently discovered my cat drinking from my glass!
Must not sleep through on a weekend but get up at 6am and demand to ho out, then when out meow by bedroom window 5 mins later to come back in
Generally tart about like the owner and head of the house!
Eat 12 sachets of new food in less than 2 days but ignore the same new food is brought (usually in bulk) When presented with it again, in fact look horrified to get it again
Sit by bowl, meow, look in bowl, look at human, meow, look at bowl. This is when he can seeim busy making lunch/dinner andhave told him to wait
Insist on fresh drinking water. I only recently discovered my cat drinking from my glass!
Must not sleep through on a weekend but get up at 6am and demand to ho out, then when out meow by bedroom window 5 mins later to come back in
Generally tart about like the owner and head of the house!
Parttimer - something that worked a treat for my in-laws was to put fresh orange/citrus peel in the offending area. Cats can't stand it apparently as it gives off a citrussy cloud and will avoid it like the plague!! Worth a try maybe?
I am literally crying laughing whilst reading this out to the OH!!
Every line I read was just describing one of our two!!
Brilliant post!!
Every line I read was just describing one of our two!!
Brilliant post!!
Remember - when you`re being sick - head straight to the brand new cream carpet in the bedroom bypassing the old horrible patterned green carpet on the stairs ......
When your human is having "The Parents" over and has spent the last 2 hours cleaning the house, it is only fair that you do your share. So up-end your litter tray all over the freshly washed bathroom floor.
Hearing the expression "Oh Archie what have you done?" is proof of how delighted you have made your human.
(And on that note, I am off to clean the bathroom floor again)
Hearing the expression "Oh Archie what have you done?" is proof of how delighted you have made your human.
(And on that note, I am off to clean the bathroom floor again)
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