[Viridiana]

There is absolutely no excuse for a parent totally abandoning a child. No excuse.
Even parents that because of life circumstances decide it was best to give their child away, and sometimes it is needed and it is for the better, should try to maintain a relationship with their children.

I can understand your frustration OP, and you are totally in the right, but revenge is not an option. You have to rise above it or your reactions will put you at the the same level as him. You do not need him in your life.

[CRTHD]

OP do you even know for sure that this man is your father, or are you just taking your mum's word for it?

If he is your father, again do you know that he wanted nothing to do with you, or could it be the case that your mother has kept him away from you?

Before you hate someone (which by the way is a waste of energy) at least be sure that they are guilty of what you want to hate them for.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". Malachy McCourt

[Andrue]

Originally Posted by CRTHD

OP do you even know for sure that this man is your father, or are you just taking your mum's word for it?

Suggestion: Be very careful about asking your Mum that. Avoiding starting the question with 'Are you sure that...'

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by CRTHD

If he is your father, again do you know that he wanted nothing to do with you, or could it be the case that your mother has kept him away from you?

Unless the Father doesn't know he has a son. And there is nothing in the OP story to imply this. A parent cannot keep a child away from another parent, unless that parent simply gave up the fight. Why do a lot of parents are convinced that's a good excuse to abandon a child? It's quite revolting actually.

[jkwelly]

Originally Posted by Flossychick

Stories from one parent can sometime be a load of baloney. My friend thought his Father had abandoned him because he was a 5 timing cheating aggressive drunk. The truth came out many years later that is was the Mother who was all of the above and the Father tried everything to be a good husband and Father, but the Mother moved house many times and told a pack of lies to justify herself.

This is me as such, I would love to meet my son but he hates me so much because of all the lies, So the OP needs to hear both sides of the story first.

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by jkwelly

This is me as such, I would love to meet my son but he hates me so much because of all the lies, So the OP needs to hear both sides of the story first.

Did you try to contact him? To tell him your side?
You cannot force a person to believe you or even connect with you, but you certainly can help your head up high and say i did everything i could, the ball is on the other side now.

[jkwelly]

Originally Posted by Viridiana

Did you try to contact him? To tell him your side?
You cannot force a person to believe you or even connect with you, but you certainly can help your head up high and say i did everything i could, the ball is on the other side now.

Hi yes i did everything and more, TBH i think he is really been messed with head wise and is scared to find out the real truth as he would only have to ask his gran or any of my family and i know he has or can contact most of them to find out the real me, I'm not the person the mother painted me out to be, Thats why the OP should think twice as there are two sides to every story like this.

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by jkwelly

Hi yes i did everything and more, TBH i think he is really been messed with head wise and is scared to find out the real truth as he would only have to ask his gran or any of my family and i know he has or can contact most of them to find out the real me, I'm not the person the mother painted me out to be, Thats why the OP should think twice as there are two sides to every story like this.

That's where the difference lies. If you try to contact your son and for whatever reason he simply refuses to see you or even hear your side of the story, unfortunately you cannot do anything about it. He's the one that needs to make the next move.
In this case we have a totally absent father, it does not matter if his mother painted him as a villain or there is another side of the story, there is always another side of the story. But the reality will remain that he's totally absent and he clearly never bothered to contact his son. This fact is more enough to create a whole world of resentment.

[Chasing Shadows]

Originally Posted by Viridiana

There is absolutely no excuse for a parent totally abandoning a child. No excuse.

I have had no contact with my twin daughters - ever. I split with their mother before they were born, she found a new boyfriend before they were born, as far as the girls are concerned he is their dad. All three of us decided that it was best for the girls to go on believing this. And he is a fantastic, doting father to them. In my opinion, the father is the person who brings the children up - not somebody who slept with their mother nine months before they were born.

If their mum ever told them the truth (though fourteen years on she's not shown the slightest indication of doing this, and if she does I think it will break her boyfriend's heart, and possibly the girls' hearts as well) then of course I would get to know them and be the best kind of father I could be to them.

Is that any excuse in your opinion? Or am I one of these revolting people you are condemning in your posts?

[Pretinama]

Originally Posted by Freeman000

My father abandoned me before I was born - left my mum to bring me up on her own to get with another woman, with whom he is now married with a family of his own - a nice little middle class existence. I have yet to meet him, and presumably that's how he wants it. Over the past year or so (after discovering him and his family), I've gone through mixed emotions. At first, I desperately wanted to meet him and his family, but gradually, with more thought, I realise that I hate him and that I can never forgive him. How can it be right that he can father a child, reject him, and leave my mum to bring the child up on her own, without even as much as sending a birthday card. Where is the justice? As far as I know, his family knows nothing of my existence. I want to take revenge on him and make him feel how I feel, Is that so wrong? How do I go about it?

Yes. It is wrong. And I think really you know that.

I never knew my dad either, similar situation to you other than I have no idea who he is. I figure my mom would tell me if there's a need but I have managed to get to my 40s without needing to know. Yes it'd be interesting on an intelectual level but to be honest, he has no relevance in my life other than being half of the baby equation.

You don't know necessarily what the situation was between you and your mom and to be honest, why should you even care anything about him? He isn't part of your life. Just enjoy being in the family you are and don't waste your time on trying to ruin someone else's life. Was your life "ruined" because he wasn't there or did your mom take care of you and look after you?

If you really want some closure or understand what happened it that relationship then discuss with your mom and maybe write him a letter. But revenge is just a silly thing to contemplate, in my opinion.

[benjamini]

One of my foster daughters was dumped by her birth mother years ago. No birthday cards no christmas cards, nothing. Not one enquiry. She recently contacted her daughter, now grown up wishing to have some sort of reconcilliation, communication etc. Foster daughter made it perfectly clear she wished no contact ever. Explained she had a life, family friends etc. The mum will just not accept this. Pestering and badgering her with emotional letters. Telling her about her step brothers, grandparents etc. Even suggested the girl was abnormal not wishing to be part of the mothers family. Maybe not wanting her birth mother in her life is a form of revenge. Maybe she is perfectly happy without her. All this to say, abandonment by a parent is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a child. The pain and damage goes very deep. OP, I would suggest caution re contacting your dad, as further rejection will be very painful. As another poster suggested, counselling may be the way forward.

[asdf1982]

I actually agree with the comments that there may be another side to the story so before taking revenge I would make sure this is exactly as it seems.

I was watching Jeremy Kyle one day (was made redundant and out of work) and this young lad had been told by his mother that his father took off and didnt want to know, then the father came out saying she didnt tell him that he was pregnant, she said OK i didnt tell you but you saw me in town one day and I had a bump, he said he didnt notice a bump. Then they did a DNA test it wasnt his father anyway

[Schadenfreud]

Originally Posted by Viridiana

There is absolutely no excuse for a parent totally abandoning a child. No excuse.
Even parents that because of life circumstances decide it was best to give their child away, and sometimes it is needed and it is for the better, should try to maintain a relationship with their children.

I can understand your frustration OP, and you are totally in the right, but revenge is not an option. You have to rise above it or your reactions will put you at the the same level as him. You do not need him in your life.

You're making as many assumptions as everyone else on here. You know diddly squat about the situation so how you can have such exactitude in your opinion is beyond me, sounds like you have an axe to grind tbh.

[benjamini]

Originally Posted by Schadenfreud

You're making as many assumptions as everyone else on here. You know diddly squat about the situation so how you can have such exactitude in your opinion is beyond me, sounds like you have an axe to grind tbh.

Think this is a bit harsh, she was responding to a post on an advice forum. Who knows what the truth is about the situation. Will we call all posters on here liars until they can prove what they are saying is true.
She gave her advice and voiced her opinion based on the info available. I agree with her regarding parents who abandon children and fail to maintain any contact with them.

[jjesso123]

My father left me when I was young, I will tell you you need to remember that there is always two sides to the story. I also blamed my father, however while he carries some of the blame in many ways he was forced out of my life.

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by Schadenfreud

You're making as many assumptions as everyone else on here. You know diddly squat about the situation so how you can have such exactitude in your opinion is beyond me, sounds like you have an axe to grind tbh.

What exactly are this assumptions? The OP said his father abandoned his mother and he never had contact with him. Last time i checked this was an advice forum. There is no excuse for a father be totally absent, sorry.

And talking about assumption, you are so off the mark it's becomes laughable. What axe may i have to grind? I Know my father pretty well thank you very much, actually we lived more than 18 years together in the same house if that's any comfort and now i'm happily married. Can say this is a subject close to my heart, I just find it revolting that absent parents always find some excuse to lose contact with their kids.

[Schadenfreud]

Originally Posted by benjamini

Think this is a bit harsh, she was responding to a post on an advice forum. Who knows what the truth is about the situation. Will we call all posters on here liars until they can prove what they are saying is true.
She gave her advice and voiced her opinion based on the info available. I agree with her regarding parents who abandon children and fail to maintain any contact with them.

There is absolutely no excuse for a parent totally abandoning a child. No excuse.

Sounds pretty certain to me, there's definitely no wriggle room in that statement. How does she know there's no excuse? How does she know he was abandoned?

Like I say, she's making assumptions and then denigrating the father for it. I hope she never gets on a jury.

[Schadenfreud]

Originally Posted by Viridiana

What exactly are this assumptions? The OP said his father abandoned his mother and he never had contact with him. Last time i checked this was an advice forum. There is no excuse for a father be totally absent, sorry.

You're assuming:

a. The OP is telling the truth.
b. The OP actually knows the truth.

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by Chasing Shadows

I have had no contact with my twin daughters - ever. I split with their mother before they were born, she found a new boyfriend before they were born, as far as the girls are concerned he is their dad. All three of us decided that it was best for the girls to go on believing this. And he is a fantastic, doting father to them. In my opinion, the father is the person who brings the children up - not somebody who slept with their mother nine months before they were born.

If their mum ever told them the truth (though fourteen years on she's not shown the slightest indication of doing this, and if she does I think it will break her boyfriend's heart, and possibly the girls' hearts as well) then of course I would get to know them and be the best kind of father I could be to them.

Is that any excuse in your opinion? Or am I one of these revolting people you are condemning in your posts?

I'm not going to comment on this. This is an advice forum not one where some anonymous person like me is going to pass judgement on an individual situation like yours. Make what you will of what i said before. But I do agree with you totally in one point, the real father is the person that is there for the child for better or for worse not the one that produced the sperm.

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by Schadenfreud

Sounds pretty certain to me, there's definitely no wriggle room in that statement. How does she know there's no excuse? How does she know he was abandoned?

Like I say, she's making assumptions and then denigrating the father for it. I hope she never gets on a jury.

The OP said the father abandoned the mother and never had contact with him. Where is the assumption here? It couldn't have been clear. In my opinion there is no excuse for that. An assumption starts when people say, well maybe he's not your father, maybe your mother is lying to you. Pretty simple stuff.

[YoungAtHeart]

I'm sorry you didn't have the father you wanted.

However, it could have been worse. You could have ended up with a father who stayed and abused you instead.

As the saying goes: there but the grace of God go I

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by Schadenfreud

You're assuming:

a. The OP is telling the truth.
b. The OP actually knows the truth.

So I'm making assumptions when I presume the OP is telling us the truth. He gave us a scenario and we have to give our opinion based on it. That's the whole idea of advice.

Well this is the whole idea of DS, we all assuming people are not trolls.

[Schadenfreud]

Originally Posted by Viridiana

The OP said the father abandoned the mother and never had contact with him. Where is the assumption here? It couldn't have been clear. In my opinion there is no excuse for that. An assumption starts when people say, well maybe he's not your father, maybe your mother is lying to you. Pretty simple stuff.

Originally Posted by Viridiana

There is absolutely no excuse for a parent totally abandoning a child. No excuse.

If, and I repeat IF what he's saying is true, and he hasn't misunderstood, or if his mother hasn't lied or embellished the facts, or any of a dozen other 'ifs' there could be. Then I'm sure that I and possibly many others could think of a few good reasons why the father may have good reason for not having had any contact.

See what I did there?

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by Schadenfreud

If, and I repeat IF what he's saying is true, and he hasn't misunderstood, or if his mother hasn't lied or embellished the facts, or any of a dozen other 'ifs' there could be. Then I'm sure that I and possibly many others could think of a few good reasons why the father may have good reason for not having had any contact.

See what I did there?

Those are assumptions. Ifs. That's not the scenario the OP presented. Stick with the facts. A father that totally abandons a child for me has absolutely no excuse. Maybe for you it has, and fair enough, it's your opinion. If the OP came up with a new thread and said, hey after all my father, fought for me in court like mad and then my mother just blindsided him and he has been looking for me to this day, he would not be a father that totally abandons his child. And my opinion of his father would be different. For now the answers the OP wants are related to the situation he presented.

[benjamini]

Originally Posted by Schadenfreud

If, and I repeat IF what he's saying is true, and he hasn't misunderstood, or if his mother hasn't lied or embellished the facts, or any of a dozen other 'ifs' there could be. Then I'm sure that I and possibly many others could think of a few good reasons why the father may have good reason for not having had any contact.

See what I did there?

One hundred IFs does not alter how angry and abandoned the OP feels.
Might I suggest its you who are making sweeping suggestions here.
1.He is possibly not telling the truth.......how have you come to this assumption???
2.He has possibly misunderstood ????
3. His mother has possibly lied or embelished the truth????
4.His father may have good reason not to have contact with him?????

Where in the opening post did you glean all this?
Hope you are never on a Jury either