My brothers and sisters, I come to you with a vision of prophecy. Lisa, resplendent in eight acres of bejewelled crimplene, will march on the spot while doing the hand motions to "The Wheels On The Bus" and making a face like a toddler being amused by a balloon. Beside her Robin, with the vein on his forehead being the only thing in time to the music, is going to do a complicated kick-flick routine in which every third kick digs directly into the shin of Riley, drawing blood by the end of the dance.
The judges, their eyes glazed with good cheer and their faces distended into terrifying rictus grins, will shriek their approval, declaring that Lisa Riley is the Queen of the Dance. Bruno, after twenty minutes of pelvic thrusts and alliterative puns on the word "Dingle", will present her with the diamond encrusted skull of Cyd Charisse and a goon squad in magnificent purple fatigues will demand that the audience bow before her, on pain of machine gunning.
Meanwhile, Denise Van Outen will be disqualified when her Cheeky Essex Patter circuit overloads and blows half of her skin-like coating off mid-dance, killing James. Dani will be spray-painted blue and subjected to 15 minutes of height jokes rather than perform her routine, Kimberley will collapse mid-Charleston as her 120-a-day habit finally tips her from "croaky voice" to "watermelon sized lung tumour" and Louis will perform an epic, uninterrupted 30 minute routine, including a victorious Step Up style dance-off against a 6 Million Dollar cyborg of Fred Astaire, a world-record breaking tap sequence, a sequence of spins so quick that it actually generates the electricity for the studio lights and tango'ing with Flavia so hard she spontaneously climaxes, before being dragged out and summarily executed because he didn't gurn like an oaf and his thumb was a femtometre out of place.
The judges, their eyes glazed with good cheer and their faces distended into terrifying rictus grins, will shriek their approval, declaring that Lisa Riley is the Queen of the Dance. Bruno, after twenty minutes of pelvic thrusts and alliterative puns on the word "Dingle", will present her with the diamond encrusted skull of Cyd Charisse and a goon squad in magnificent purple fatigues will demand that the audience bow before her, on pain of machine gunning.
Meanwhile, Denise Van Outen will be disqualified when her Cheeky Essex Patter circuit overloads and blows half of her skin-like coating off mid-dance, killing James. Dani will be spray-painted blue and subjected to 15 minutes of height jokes rather than perform her routine, Kimberley will collapse mid-Charleston as her 120-a-day habit finally tips her from "croaky voice" to "watermelon sized lung tumour" and Louis will perform an epic, uninterrupted 30 minute routine, including a victorious Step Up style dance-off against a 6 Million Dollar cyborg of Fred Astaire, a world-record breaking tap sequence, a sequence of spins so quick that it actually generates the electricity for the studio lights and tango'ing with Flavia so hard she spontaneously climaxes, before being dragged out and summarily executed because he didn't gurn like an oaf and his thumb was a femtometre out of place.
